Effects of an affair on your extended family

[frozensprouts]

Another question for betrayed spouses or repentant wayward spouses...

 

Background...

 

when my mom and dad found out my husband was cheating, it really hit them hard, especially my dad. Part of the reason was because he was worried about what it could do to our children, but hearing how much it devastated me really hot home with him...

 

before my mom and dad got either my brother or me,my dad went through a very rough patch and he handled it really poorly , and one of the things he did was to have a very brief affair. He confessed it to my mom, and they worked through it, but i don't think it ever really sunk in to him just how much he had hurt her...

I don't think he really realized it until he saw how much my husband's cheating was hurting me...

 

Did anyone else find something similar in those who found out about their spouses ( or your infidelity)... If you were the wayward spouse, do you feel that you really understand just how much you hurt your betrayed spouse?

 

( sorry for starting so many threads..it's just that reading the stories on here bring a lot of questions to my mind...sorry if Im asking too many questions:laugh:)

[GLDheart]

Going through what I went through I needed to talk. ALOT. My friends, my family, they all got to hear what my ex did. It was all about me just unloading this awful emotional burden... but a weird thing happened along the way.

 

As the dust settled. I could literally see in the eyes of my family and friends those of them that had also dealt with infidelity. The way they act about it tells all. It has shed some light on the age old mysteries of THIER relationships.

 

Sometimes I even feel a touch of guilt like I saw something I wasn't supposed to see.

[BetrayedH]

I am the eldest of four brothers. All of us are married. Our parents are divorced. To be brief, my brothers' marriages are all fairly rocky. My W and I were viewed as the ones that had it together. We were the example of a happy and healthy marriage with good communication and conflict resolution skills. We frequently counseled them on how to have a happy marriage. When we failed in such dramatic fashion I clearly saw them wonder, if this can happen to them (meaning my W and I), how the hell will we ever make it. It was really disheartening to see how it impacted my extended family. This last week, I took my kids ou of state for a family vacation with my side of the family. To saythe least, it was bizarre to be the single Dad of two kids while my brothers all still have nuclear families. They have no idea what to say to me.

 

It also became clear to me that one of my brothers had cheated on his wife. My radar is up and it's mostly obvious by the things that are left unsaid. At times, I want to punch him in the face. His lifestyle is big city, fast-paced, expensive cars...clearly an entitlement situation. My SIL is a good wife and mother and doesn't deserve that crap.

 

Sigh.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I might be in the minority but I have not told my parents. My mom has what I suspect to be an "attachment disorder". Her coldness has grown colder as she ages (now in her 70's). This has been a point of friction within my family and in-laws for decades.

 

The weekend that I planned to tell my parents about the affair, my dad had an unexpected double-bypass heart surgery. My dad was laid up in the hospital in post-op. My mom nonchalantly told me, "Well, it was 4 o'clock and there was nothing that I could do to help, so I came home." That's when I decided that she could not handle the sensitivity of the situation.

 

My wife's family knows about the affair. The in-laws have been supportive. However recently on a visit my FIL was riding with me and asked if I had heard the satire song "The day that my wife met my girlfriend". If not for my young daughter in the back seat, I would've asked my FIL "WTF are you thinking asking me this?!" It's apparent that the levity of the situation has not set in with my FIL. This is the same guy that responded to the revelation of his daughter's adultery with "We all make mistakes." Guess what? My wife is the first born.

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

If you ask me, no one likes a cheater even if you are the father or FIL. The extra collateral damage is done when the cheater does a poor job of repenting and making amends for what they've done. My sister is one of the most caring and loving people I know, and she has grown to actually dislike my W as our "recovery" drags on and on because of my W's blatant pride and cruelty toward me and my family. If she would have owned up to everything, and done it quickly and consistently, I think a marriage can overcome infidelity, but when you do it kicking and screaming and a dirty look on your face, it just doesn't go well. Understatement.

[Summer Breeze]

Issues like the affairs my xSOs had were never shared with family, only friends. I don't share details about my love life with my family.

 

I'm with you. I told his family when I was moving out. They lived so they could see the moving van. I told them what happened and that they should not punish his OW turned GF for what their son/brother did.

 

I didn't tell my family till well after the D. They would always have a common bond in my child and I did not want any vibes around that made it worse. I bore the brunt of it. They blamed me for letting the M die and that was fine. When the time was right I told them and everything was far enough along it caused some outrage and anger but not nearly as if I'd shared when I was going through the worst of it.

 

I think it happened that way naturally because I stayed with what I always said---cheat on me and I'm gone. To me there wasn't another opetion so I just did it.

[Spark1111]

I thought I was divorcing, so yes, I told trusted (not all) family members and a few discreet friends because I needed support and so did my children.

 

I was amazed at who had experienced infidelity in the family (his) and how it was swept right under the rug. So when my SIL becomes unreasonably angry at her H about where the pot is stored after kitchen clean-up, you cannot tell me it is unrelated to his affair.

 

I had another SIL tell me she wouldn't want to know details and then proceeded to tell me, in excrutiating detail, an incident of her H flirting with a female co-worker prior to marriage. Unbelievable, no?

 

My brother told me of a low point in his marriage where he began to develop an emotional attachment to a woman who had problems (Ahhh...another damsel in distress) but when his wife found out about it, they spoke and he ended all contact with her.

 

I believe few marriages are unaffected by the threat of attraction for another.

 

All are thrilled we are happily reconciled because we were the couple that everyone perceived this could never happen to.

 

Ironic, no?

[woinlove]

Issues like the affairs my xSOs had were never shared with family, only friends. I don't share details about my love life with my family.

 

I think it may be yet a cultural difference. To us it is very strange to involve extended family in these matters unless they accidentally find out.

 

I'm with you. I told his family when I was moving out. They lived so they could see the moving van. I told them what happened and that they should not punish his OW turned GF for what their son/brother did.

 

I didn't tell my family till well after the D. They would always have a common bond in my child and I did not want any vibes around that made it worse. I bore the brunt of it. They blamed me for letting the M die and that was fine. When the time was right I told them and everything was far enough along it caused some outrage and anger but not nearly as if I'd shared when I was going through the worst of it.

 

I think it happened that way naturally because I stayed with what I always said---cheat on me and I'm gone. To me there wasn't another opetion so I just did it.

 

Sorry, fp, if this is adding to a thread-jump,but since there are already multiple posts on telling vs not telling -- I don't think the BS/WS should feel compelled to keep the secret from their families. If they are a close family, they will sense things are wrong in any case. Some may not say anything out of shame, duty, privacy, or cultural expectations, but personally, I prefer open and honest communication with family who are close enough to sense something is wrong. Yes, sometimes there will be fallout, and I've witnessed it myself. But, at least family are then responding to reality and not reacting to a false persona being presented to them.

[frozensprouts]

I didn't want to tell my parents, but my dad had called right at the worst possible time and he knew something was wrong- so I told him.

 

He and my mom were very supportive of me ( as were my two sister's in law, who told my husband to smarten the h@ll up- he told them about it, not me) and my husband as well. Once they saw we were serriously trying to reconcile, they let him know that they were still angry with him, but they were glad we were working things out and that they would be there for both of us if and when we needed them.

 

Like I've said before, I don't think my dad fully realized how hurtful and affair can be until he saw it through me, and even though my mom had forgiven him long ago ( I didn't even know about it until he told me- he told me because he was hoping I could see that it is possible to move past one), it still hurt her, and it still bothers her a bit even today.

 

Mind you, today they are definitely "best friends" and love each other very much- it's funny to watch the two of them joke around- like when they are doing dishes- he'll tease her, she'll pretend to swat him with the dishtowel, and they'll both end up laughing and sharing a hug ( they're in their 70's and have been married for over 50 years)

[woinlove]

I didn't want to tell my parents, but my dad had called right at the worst possible time and he knew something was wrong- so I told him.

 

He and my mom were very supportive of me ( as were my two sister's in law, who told my husband to smarten the h@ll up- he told them about it, not me) and my husband as well. Once they saw we were serriously trying to reconcile, they let him know that they were still angry with him, but they were glad we were working things out and that they would be there for both of us if and when we needed them.

 

Like I've said before, I don't think my dad fully realized how hurtful and affair can be until he saw it through me, and even though my mom had forgiven him long ago ( I didn't even know about it until he told me- he told me because he was hoping I could see that it is possible to move past one), it still hurt her, and it still bothers her a bit even today.

 

Mind you, today they are definitely "best friends" and love each other very much- it's funny to watch the two of them joke around- like when they are doing dishes- he'll tease her, she'll pretend to swat him with the dishtowel, and they'll both end up laughing and sharing a hug ( they're in their 70's and have been married for over 50 years)

 

That is touching - things are out in the open, everyone is dealing with reality, and they have found forgiveness and togetherness.

[beenburned]

My H has definately had a huge awakening in dealing with our D's first and second H's cheating and leaving her for their OW!

 

First H left her with all the bills, maxed out credit cards, car loan, and the morgage.(they had no children)

 

Second H cheated for half of their marriage with 2 different OW. He spent lots of marital money buying them jewelry, cars, and a beach timeshare condo. The divorce is ongoing with first court appearance this coming Thursday! He also had not been paying any child support.

 

I will update later, as I will be in court with D.

[Summer Breeze]

Sorry, fp, if this is adding to a thread-jump,but since there are already multiple posts on telling vs not telling -- I don't think the BS/WS should feel compelled to keep the secret from their families. If they are a close family, they will sense things are wrong in any case. Some may not say anything out of shame, duty, privacy, or cultural expectations, but personally, I prefer open and honest communication with family who are close enough to sense something is wrong. Yes, sometimes there will be fallout, and I've witnessed it myself. But, at least family are then responding to reality and not reacting to a false persona being presented to them.

 

I don't feel they should be compelled to tell the family or to not tell the family. It's a highly personal and subjective call. You make it sound as though you might feel I wasn't being open and honest in my communication. I told my kids about sex but they didn't need to know exactly how their dad and I did it. You sometimes are in a position where you feel it's best to filter and there can be a whole lot of reasons why. My communication with my family was very open and honest as far as what I wanted them to know. They were reacting to what I wanted them to know and it was not a false persona being presented to them. What I gather from your view is that if they don't have 100% of the truth they can't be reacting correctly? I don't understand that. If something is deeply personal and I have reasons to keep details to myself I expect them to react to exactly what I've given them for information. You're almost making it sound like I lied to them and that is not the case. If it were, then we'd all be out running around telling everyone under the sun our business so we're sure not to hide anything.

 

I apologize if I misunderstood or took it too literally but I did take what you said personally. I didn't see any value to getting my parents and my xH at each others throats when I knew we still had a young child we all loved and there would be times we would all have to be together. We're all different. I had a friend who was a little more detached from the situation and it was sensible and comfortable to talk to her.

[woinlove]

I don't feel they should be compelled to tell the family or to not tell the family. It's a highly personal and subjective call. You make it sound as though you might feel I wasn't being open and honest in my communication. I told my kids about sex but they didn't need to know exactly how their dad and I did it. You sometimes are in a position where you feel it's best to filter and there can be a whole lot of reasons why. My communication with my family was very open and honest as far as what I wanted them to know. They were reacting to what I wanted them to know and it was not a false persona being presented to them. What I gather from your view is that if they don't have 100% of the truth they can't be reacting correctly? I don't understand that. If something is deeply personal and I have reasons to keep details to myself I expect them to react to exactly what I've given them for information. You're almost making it sound like I lied to them and that is not the case. If it were, then we'd all be out running around telling everyone under the sun our business so we're sure not to hide anything.

 

I apologize if I misunderstood or took it too literally but I did take what you said personally. I didn't see any value to getting my parents and my xH at each others throats when I knew we still had a young child we all loved and there would be times we would all have to be together. We're all different. I had a friend who was a little more detached from the situation and it was sensible and comfortable to talk to her.

 

The way I see it is the OP is very clearly asking about the effects of infidelity on extended family in the case where the extended family does know. Trinity, and then you, posted about how you would not, or did not, let extended family know. Since this wasn't what the OP had asked, it struck me that there was an implication that you thought it was better not to let the extended family know and so I offered a different perspective on this, since I always strive for openness and truth with those I am closest to. That's just me and I didn't mean to imply anything right or wrong about your own situation. Probably easy to develop misunderstandings since I didn't want to get too far into this discussion and take frozensprout's thread off track. I'd be happy to contribute to a thread on who one should or shouldn't tell about an affair and why, if anyone was inclined to start one.

 

I really didn't mean anything directed at yours (or Trinity's) personal situation, but was mainly trying to reinforce the OP topic (of extended family knowing) and giving my own predisposition toward openness with those I am close to. From what you write, I can see you strove to handle the situation in the way you thought was best for your family and took a heavy burden on yourself in doing so.

[freestyle]

I'd like to point out that extended family, and friends, and ESPECIALLY children-

 

Can be affected by an affair, even if they DON'T know about it.

 

 

My SO is one example of this.

His father was a serial cheater.

He'd already been caught in an affair , before my SO was born.

My SO didn't learn about this until he was in his twenties, his older brother told him.

 

So, growing up, there was a HUGE feeling of tension in his home--his father was rarely home, his mom was miserable---there was a whole herd of elephants in the room.............

 

And my SO internalized it as being HIS fault, for years. (which is a normal reaction for a child)

Edited July 10, 2012 by freestyle

[Steadfast]

...my W and I were viewed as the ones that had it together. We were the example of a happy and healthy marriage with good communication and conflict resolution skills. We frequently counseled them on how to have a happy marriage. When we failed in such dramatic fashion I clearly saw them wonder, if this can happen to them (meaning my W and I), how the hell will we ever make it. It was really disheartening to see how it impacted my extended family.

 

I've been chewing on this paragraph for days. It ran through my heart like a knife because I experienced the same thing...the exact same situation.

 

Four-years on, the loss of family and 'heritage' (for lack of a better word) is what continues to haunt me. The pain from her cheating and lying is but a distant memory, but the shattered family remains shattered. In many ways I contributed to the shattering as I would not -then or now- accept living with someone I could not trust, and who had no intention of changing.

 

So we make the best of it, right? What other choice is there?

 

Interesting...I have since come to realize what others saw in our marriage and what drew them towards us wasn't "us"...but me. Since the divorce, many of the people who approached "us" for advice now come to me. Not her. It has developed slowly, but is stronger than before. I didn't see it, but my ex was never genuine. I only thought she was because I loved her.

 

Two lives Kidd. The one we planned and the one we have. Stay strong.

[Summer Breeze]

The way I see it is the OP is very clearly asking about the effects of infidelity on extended family in the case where the extended family does know. Trinity, and then you, posted about how you would not, or did not, let extended family know. Since this wasn't what the OP had asked, it struck me that there was an implication that you thought it was better not to let the extended family know and so I offered a different perspective on this, since I always strive for openness and truth with those I am closest to. That's just me and I didn't mean to imply anything right or wrong about your own situation. Probably easy to develop misunderstandings since I didn't want to get too far into this discussion and take frozensprout's thread off track. I'd be happy to contribute to a thread on who one should or shouldn't tell about an affair and why, if anyone was inclined to start one.

 

I really didn't mean anything directed at yours (or Trinity's) personal situation, but was mainly trying to reinforce the OP topic (of extended family knowing) and giving my own predisposition toward openness with those I am close to. From what you write, I can see you strove to handle the situation in the way you thought was best for your family and took a heavy burden on yourself in doing so.

 

 

I'm with ya. Even though I didn't tell them straight off I did tell them and it did have an effect on them, it just wasn't immediate and to a degree I controlled (defused) some of the emotion. I never even considered it not being a response to the original point in the OP, just different.

 

Sorry about that misunderstanding.

[Summer Breeze]

I've been chewing on this paragraph for days. It ran through my heart like a knife because I experienced the same thing...the exact same situation.

 

Four-years on, the loss of family and 'heritage' (for lack of a better word) is what continues to haunt me. The pain from her cheating and lying is but a distant memory, but the shattered family remains shattered. In many ways I contributed to the shattering as I would not -then or now- accept living with someone I could not trust, and who had no intention of changing.

 

So we make the best of it, right? What other choice is there?

 

Interesting...I have since come to realize what others saw in our marriage and what drew them towards us wasn't "us"...but me. Since the divorce, many of the people who approached "us" for advice now come to me. Not her. It has developed slowly, but is stronger than before. I didn't see it, but my ex was never genuine. I only thought she was because I loved her.

 

Two lives Kidd. The one we planned and the one we have. Stay strong.

 

 

This could be me. Except I don't write very well! The feelings and loss mirror mine exactly. Even to the friends and family who still seek me out for social times and personal issues.

 

The bolded is so true in every aspect. A friend always said we plan and God plots.

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

I've been chewing on this paragraph for days. It ran through my heart like a knife because I experienced the same thing...the exact same situation.

 

Four-years on, the loss of family and 'heritage' (for lack of a better word) is what continues to haunt me. The pain from her cheating and lying is but a distant memory, but the shattered family remains shattered. In many ways I contributed to the shattering as I would not -then or now- accept living with someone I could not trust, and who had no intention of changing.

 

So we make the best of it, right? What wother choice is there?

 

Interesting...I have since come to realize what others saw in our marriage and what drew them towards us wasn't "us"...but me. Since the divorce, many of the people who approached "us" for advice now come to me. Not her. It has developed slowly, but is stronger than before. I didn't see it, but my ex was never genuine. I only thought she was because I loved her.

 

Two lives Kidd. The one we planned and the one we have. Stay strong.

 

I'm sorry, steadfast, I realize this is slightly off topic, but I don't have PM privileges yet. How long did you try to make the best of it or work it out before the divorce? I think I'd be better off personally, but I'm deathly afraid of what a divorce will do to my kids.

 

 

As for the post...I think it shatters relationships on every level. Some you tell can handle it better than others as far as walking through the grief, etc. infidelity is just a disaster that ripples out way farther than people would expect. I hate that this is happening to so many people! Can we stop it?!

[GLDheart]

I'll admit it did cross my mind NOT to tell anyone... to just shoulder the burden alone. A piece of me (for a short time) even blamed myself for her "need to cheat".

 

But, then I said "Naw... I'm done covering for her." In the time I was with her, I downplayed her drinking. I covered her expenses of Booze and Smoking. One Night a few years back, I even talked the cops out of giving her a "Driving Under the Influence" when she was driving wasted out of her mind. This time, screw her rep, she was on her own.

 

I'm glad I shared what happened to me. It was like unloading a huge weight to the many people supporting me. It's like the old expression: "Many hands make light the burden."

[Benedictatu]

Another question for betrayed spouses or repentant wayward spouses...

 

Background...

 

when my mom and dad found out my husband was cheating, it really hit them hard, especially my dad. Part of the reason was because he was worried about what it could do to our children, but hearing how much it devastated me really hot home with him...

 

before my mom and dad got either my brother or me,my dad went through a very rough patch and he handled it really poorly , and one of the things he did was to have a very brief affair. He confessed it to my mom, and they worked through it, but i don't think it ever really sunk in to him just how much he had hurt her...

I don't think he really realized it until he saw how much my husband's cheating was hurting me...

 

Did anyone else find something similar in those who found out about their spouses ( or your infidelity)... If you were the wayward spouse, do you feel that you really understand just how much you hurt your betrayed spouse?

 

( sorry for starting so many threads..it's just that reading the stories on here bring a lot of questions to my mind...sorry if Im asking too many questions:laugh:)

 

My extended family would have taken his side. My parents are passed but they always loved him more than me. And my sister when she heard about him cheating and leaving me said what goes around comes around. She was not at all sympathetic and told me it was my own fault because I had signalled that infidelity was acceptable to me by having my own affair.

[Steadfast]

I'm sorry, steadfast, I realize this is slightly off topic, but I don't have PM privileges yet. How long did you try to make the best of it or work it out before the divorce? I think I'd be better off personally, but I'm deathly afraid of what a divorce will do to my kids.

 

I filed four months after D-Day. It was final in just under a year.

 

The six weeks following her confession I made the mistake of being nice. Desperately looking for a solution. The harder I tried, the worse it was. When she moved out it devastated the kids and me. We knew she'd never come back, and she didn't. That kicked-off a cycle where she'd approach when I backed off, and backed-off when I did. Two and a half months after she left I got eyewitness proof her affair(s) were continuing, so I filed.

 

Your kids will be hurt, but divorce or no divorce everyone needs to learn how to handle crisis. You'll need to love them through it. This is my story. My situation. I'd advise you not to take anything from it but how one person handled his wayward spouse. The positives outweigh the negatives, but only because I committed to making life better. It's still really hard.

 

The divorce was filed, paid for, and carried out by me. She never asked for it. It's disturbing to know she wanted to keep me handy (and suffering) just in case. She refused to help make the pain go away, so I went away from the pain. I felt a tremendous relief when the divorce was final. My wife wasn't cheating on me anymore, because I didn't have a wife! After that, she was just another person out there having sex. I wasn't involved.

 

I do hope you can resolve and reconcile. Then again, if your wife has been unfaithful you have every right to divorce her. Do what's best for you.