I'm currently not speaking to my mother

[SpiralOut]

I'm feeling very sad and strange about this.

 

I just can't bring myself to talk to her right now. I avoided her phone calls for a few weeks, speaking only with my father just to let them know I'm okay. She is very overprotective, despite the fact that I'm an adult and live in a different city. It's not as bad now that I'm too far away for her to do much. But lately I've been getting super pissed off at her.

 

While growing up she crossed boundaries with me sometimes. I'm angry about things she has done in the past that were just plain wrong. Such as asking me (when I was 21 years old) where I would be sleeping when I went away to visit a male friend. Then she gossiped to my grandmother, my aunt, and my brother about whether or not she thought I'd be sleeping with this guy or not. I called her out on it and she just went silent and never apologized.

 

She still does it, crossing boundaries. The breaking point came today when she called. I decided to answer instead of ignore it. The first thing she asked me was about how I am getting my back treated (I had mentioned it to my father, who then told her). The first thing she thought to ask me was "is your doctor a boy or a girl?"

 

Now I should explain that whenever she finds out about someone new in my life, whether it's a roommate, someone I hung out with, etc, the first thing she wants to know is whether it's a man or a woman. Then if it's a man, she'll get worried. Then start warning me to be careful. Blah blah.

 

I am a grown woman now. It is completely unacceptable for her to show so much interest in who my doctor is. It's fine to ask if I like him or not. But do not ask me is he a boy or a girl. There is no reason whatsoever to ask another adult a question like that about their doctor.

 

I don't know how to talk to her about it because in the past whenever I would try to confront her about things her standard response would be "I'm your mother and I know what's best for you."

 

She thinks she can speak to me however she wants, as if she owns me or something.

 

Needless to say our phone call ended with us angrily saying goodbye. I did not answer her question. I feel no desire to try and talk to her about anything. I cannot remember a single time when she has apologized to me for something. It somehow has always been me apologizing to her, usually for calling her a bitch whenever I got angry and tried to stand up for myself against her. But I never would get an apology back even when she would act nasty towards me.

 

She's kind of like a frenemy.

 

Just writing this to vent, I guess. It feels strange to feel like I just walked away from a source of support. She's also getting older, so I feel some guilt about possibly hurting her. But this needs to be done. She needs to speak to me like I'm an adult.

Edited July 8, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Oh and I also found out that she had invited my aunt and grandmother up for mother's day. And my grandmother had been asking about me, wondering why I wasn't there because she wanted to see me.

 

Instead of telling her the truth - that I had not been invited - my mother told her that I was too busy and couldn't make it.

 

My mother told me all of this on the phone. Like she felt guilty, or something, and wanted me to agree with her? WTF? My grandmother is getting older and she is in poor health. I don't get to see her often. I would have loved to have seen her. I'm not so upset about not being invited, as I am about the fact that she was dishonest about my reasons for not going. She made it look like it was me who didn't want to go.

[Teacher121]

Speaking as an older seasoned mother who had a VERY controlling mother.......get over it.

 

You are obviously not a parent yet, and well making conversation about your doctor is something I would ask just to make conversation.

 

I moved across country from my parents and would give anything now to have those years spent so far away back again.

 

I just recently moved my very elderly parents here to help them. My mother still drives me insane, but I'm a mother of two young adults now so I guess I get it now.

 

Be patient. I know you were venting as all children do, but don't stay mad long, time is so precious. She loves you and is interested in what's going on with you. As far as the sleeping with some do like I did and just say......." yeah mom, I sleep with all the guys, right?"

 

Take a break from her, but understand from a moms perspective.......she loves you regardless and forever!

[SpiralOut]

I am not planning to ignore her forever, just to be clear.

 

I'm not really sure how my not being a mother yet makes it okay for my mother to cross boundaries with me. It doesn't. It's not okay for her to act that way. There is so much more to this story that I'm not saying.

 

But I understand what you're trying to say.

Edited July 8, 2012 by SpiralOut

[Teacher121]

When you one day become a parent you will soooooo get crossing what you think are boundaries.

 

I know, I know, I use to say the same thing before I was a mother myself.

 

You just don't get it until you have a child. Somewhere along the way everything softens and you realize that mom is human and makes mistakes. They all do the best they can with what they have.

[SpiralOut]

Yes but when your kids try to assert their boundaries, do you show respect for that?

 

My main issue is that I have tried to assert boundaries with her before and she didn't seem to care. Upon telling her how certain things made me feel, she didn't apologize, showed no concern for my feelings. She just brushed me off.

 

I can understand accidentally crossing a line. We all do it. I just feel extremely worried that she won't understand or respect me when I try and draw one again. She never really cared in the past - and I'm talking about when I was in my early 20s, not some 8 year old kid.

 

I understand that she cares about me. But I don't feel respected. She is the only person in my family who treats me that way. I don't know how to talk to her without her getting all defensive and insisting that she did nothing wrong.

[Teacher121]

How old are you?

 

Need to know so I can perhaps help.

[SpiralOut]

I'm 28.

 

If it helps at all to mention this, I think she has some regrets in her life. She has this fixation with pregnancy. She is very concerned about making sure I do not get pregnant unless I'm in a good position of doing so (have a good job, a good husband).

 

It makes me feel violated. I won't even go into all the details of all the things she has said to me. I know she means well, but seriously. I am a serious person. I am responsible. I have always been career and education focused. So she has nothing to worry about. I have done NOTHING to earn her distrust. And she knows I hate it when she makes certain comments to me but she just keeps doing it anyway.

 

She does not trust me to make good choices within my own life.

 

To me, sex is private. It is something that stays between myself and my partner. My choice of birth control is a private choice. A medical choice. My relationships are my business. My uterus is my business. My state of pregnancy or non-pregnancy is not to be discussed unless I bring it up. She needs to back off.

 

I was probably a mistake that she had.

 

Oh, and I don't see why it matters anyway whether she approves of my life or not. I hate it that she makes her expectations of me so obvious. I've been doing everything she seems to think a young person should do with their life and look at me. I'm miserable! She has never had to live by herself and go it alone like I've been doing. She understands nothing.

Edited July 8, 2012 by SpiralOut

[Teacher121]

Could she just want more for you than what she had? Maybe she really thinks she's trying to help. Possibly it is because of mistakes she's made and wants more for you because she loves you so!!!

 

My mom never went to college, she married at 18, had my brother at 22. My mom admits to me now how jealous she was of me at times because I went to college, I'm self supporting, have raised two great kids without much help from anyone but good friends. My mom can still be bitter and resentful at times, but I do understand it more now have young adults in my home. My daughter is 16 and we butt heads 8-10 times a day. Mothers and daughters do this, and at some point you realize that she honestly does these things out of love.

 

I'm sure she does NOT feel you are a mistake, only that she doesn't want you to tame a road she perhaps drove down.....I hope this makes sense to you.

 

I just want you to see the flip side of this. You have a mom at wants to be a part of your life when so many don't have their moms at all.

 

Try to blow off these things that bother you and focus on what you have with her that's good.

 

I missed why you didn't go for mothers day. If you live close enough why didn't you just go? You don't need an invitation, she's your mother. But I missed that part.......

 

Ok I went and reread.

 

I'm thinking your mom said that because she didn't know what to say. If you wanted to see your mom on mothers day why didn't you call her and tell her you were just coming. It sounds like she was covering for you. I didn't hear that she told you not to come. On a day like mothers day, honey, you just GO!

 

I send my kids to both grandmas on mothers day, and they just call and say, were coming........I sent them to their dads on fathers day and they were back in ten minutes. Daughter baked him cookies and they weren't even asked into the house. These are his only children and he could care less about them. It is what it is you know?

 

So, why didn't you go? Did she tell you not to come?

[MuscleCarFan]

Your mom sounds annoying, not someone I would stop speaking to.

 

My mom is toxic and I barely speak to her as it is. Among the things she has done:

 

*She kicked me out because the dog who recently had surgery needed to be watched.

*Called me mentally ill when kicking me out

*Told me via email that she had brain cancer

*I have to see her via appt (ridiculous IMO)

*Told me she felt more motherly to my friends than me

 

And a whole a bunch of other crap my wife, pink_sugar, has mentioned here.

[amaysngrace]

If she asks you something personal that you don't want to answer just answer her with a question..."is your doctor a boy or a girl?".."why does it matter?"

 

Eventually you'll have open communication.

[denise_xo]

I understand you very well. I've also had to cut parents out of my life at various intervals. Sometimes people are just toxic and you need to set your boundaries to maintain your own health.

[SpiralOut]

 

 

So, why didn't you go? Did she tell you not to come?

My family doesn't do things the same way your family does. And it takes me 6 hours to visit my parents; it doesn't make sense for me to decide at the last minute that I'm going to hop over for a visit. Anyway I am more upset that she made excuses to my grandmother for why I didn't visit instead of just telling her the truth that I wasn't invited. She wasn't covering for me. She was covering her own ass.

 

Your mom sounds annoying, not someone I would stop speaking to.

 

My mom is toxic and I barely speak to her as it is.

I'm sorry to hear that. I do realize that things could be worse.

 

If she asks you something personal that you don't want to answer just answer her with a question..."is your doctor a boy or a girl?".."why does it matter?"

 

Eventually you'll have open communication.

Yeah that's what I need to start doing. I find it very difficult to not react with anger when she asks me intrusive things. My current method of getting angry at her isn't working since she just doesn't seem to care.

 

I understand you very well. I've also had to cut parents out of my life at various intervals. Sometimes people are just toxic and you need to set your boundaries to maintain your own health.

Thank you for understanding. I need space from her right now while I figure out how to set up boundaries.

[SpiralOut]

 

 

Try to blow off these things that bother you and focus on what you have with her that's good.

 

 

Why are you taking my mother's side? I have told you repeatedly that my mother does not care about my feelings when I try and speak with her. She blows me off.

 

I feel like you are advising me to be a doormat. Why?

[whichwayisup]

Oh and I also found out that she had invited my aunt and grandmother up for mother's day. And my grandmother had been asking about me, wondering why I wasn't there because she wanted to see me.

 

Instead of telling her the truth - that I had not been invited - my mother told her that I was too busy and couldn't make it.

 

My mother told me all of this on the phone. Like she felt guilty, or something, and wanted me to agree with her? WTF? My grandmother is getting older and she is in poor health. I don't get to see her often. I would have loved to have seen her. I'm not so upset about not being invited, as I am about the fact that she was dishonest about my reasons for not going. She made it look like it was me who didn't want to go.

 

You should call your grandmother and talk to her, let her know that you weren't invited and that you and your mom aren't getting along too well right now. I'm sure your grandmother knows her daughter and wouldn't be surprised to hear some things about her. Also, you can have your own one on one relationship with your grandma..Go see her on your own, it could be fun.

[whichwayisup]

Your mom is a control freak and has tons of issues that have nothing to do with you.

My suggestion is write her a letter and let her know that you DO love her and care for her and you'd like to have a better relationship with her but until she starts treating you with respect and makes an effort to stop nosing in your life so much, this is how things have to be.

 

You are a grown woman and have your own life. She has to let go and allow you to live your life how you want to and back off at times. She won't change completely but she certainly can make efforts to keep her mouth shut at times.

[Teacher121]

Well, I'm not taking your mothers side but honestly it pains me to hear you are cutting her out of your life.

 

 

As for mothers day, you made no effort to see her, she defended you and herself. I do not believe she is intentionally trying to hurt you. Maybe I feel that because my mother is similar and I see it differently now at I'm an older seasoned mom myself.

 

Everyone has faults. Perhaps you two are not getting along because you are similar? I don't know really.

 

What I do know is this.........time here with family is short lived. Take the high road and don't take everything so personal.

 

My brother spent 15 years in therapy because of our mom. I have since told him, save your money and 'get over it'. He never had children and has no clue what it's like at times. Parents do the best they can with what they got, end of story. Despite that they love you unconditionally whether you want to believe it or not.

 

Being independent is fine. When she calls answer what you want and leave the rest. You being upset is giving her the control over you. When you can let it go in one ear and out the other you have come to a good place. Had to do that myself years ago.

 

I'm taking care of my parents now, she 78 and he's 82. She's still just as controlling and down right mean at times, but she's who she is and that's still my mother. My brother wouldn't lift a finger for them and that's fine, his choice, but I know someday he will regret not having them around.(sooner than not because they are both very I'll at this point and I'm running myself ragged taking care of them and my two young adults).

 

I regret the time I lost with them in the last twenty years, by being across the country from them. If I could get it back I would in an instant. I moved them here a year ago because of failing health. It's been a long road, and mind you, the things my mother has done and said to me have been horrible. She called my brother three years ago and told him I was stealing money from their bank account. Well, no such thing was going on at all, but I was humiliated by my brother completely. My mom insists now she never said that, but I know better. Thing is, I could have been mad and cut them off, but I realize now that these are small things in the big picture. My mom may crap all over me, I'm not a door mat, I just don't let it get to me. Why? Because it makes no difference, she's old and I'm her only daughter.

 

I didn't mean to drag on about this, sorry. It's just I think I really know the position you're in because I have lived it at length. You cannot change her, you must change yourself so you can just deal with her. When you do that, you might find that's she's not so bad and you can be friends. I'm like pollyanna though, I just think that people should find the good in others and shrug off the bad, if you love someone that is...........

[SpiralOut]

Well, I'm not taking your mothers side but honestly it pains me to hear you are cutting her out of your life.

 

Ummm so far in this thread you have done nothing but explain to me her point of view. That IS taking her side.

 

 

As for mothers day, you made no effort to see her, she defended you and herself. I do not believe she is intentionally trying to hurt you. Maybe I feel that because my mother is similar and I see it differently now at I'm an older seasoned mom myself.

She made no effort to include me. In my family it is considered extremely rude to invite ourselves to events. I wasn't invited. I didn't go.

 

I understand that you are an older seasoned mom, but my family is not the same as your family.

 

Everyone has faults. Perhaps you two are not getting along because you are similar? I don't know really.

 

You don't know why we don't get along? I've explained it in detail in this thread. She doesn't respect my boundaries or care how I feel. People who love each other show respect and care how the other person feels.

 

What I do know is this.........time here with family is short lived. Take the high road and don't take everything so personal.

Maybe you should take your own advice. You've been taking everything in this thread personally even though it's not about you. Somehow I get the feeling you aren't talking about me and my mother, you are talking about someone else now.

 

My brother spent 15 years in therapy because of our mom. I have since told him, save your money and 'get over it'. He never had children and has no clue what it's like at times. Parents do the best they can with what they got, end of story. Despite that they love you unconditionally whether you want to believe it or not.

I cannot believe you are taking your mother's side over your brother. He has been damaged because of her, so much so that he needed therapy, and you told him to just get over it?? He never had children, so his feelings don't matter??

 

Did she ever apologize to him? Does she care how he feels??

 

Do YOU care how he feels?

 

I'm starting to understand why you defend your mother (and mine) so strongly.....

[Teacher121]

15years spent on what? Hashing out how he made hotdogs for dinner?

 

You would think after 5 years of therapy that maybe it's time to get over it?

 

I have listened to him babble his poor me story about his childhood and mom.....blah blah blah.

 

Selfish people are just that......self centered and selfish, all about me.

 

No, I really thought I could help you see a mothers perspective.

 

Read all you want into whatever.

 

Cut yourself out from your mom, I do not care if you do or not now. I see your mind is made up and you were only looking for validation that you think your right and she's wrong.

 

Whatever.........

 

I still say she wants to be a part of your life and you are taking what she does the wrong way.

 

I'm done.

[SpiralOut]

I see your mind is made up and you were only looking for validation that you think your right and she's wrong.

 

 

Yup. I'm glad that you finally understand that.

 

Although I did ask for some advice on how to talk to her without her getting all defensive and refusing to listen to me. But I didn't receive a response to that.

[SpiralOut]

You should call your grandmother and talk to her, let her know that you weren't invited and that you and your mom aren't getting along too well right now. I'm sure your grandmother knows her daughter and wouldn't be surprised to hear some things about her. Also, you can have your own one on one relationship with your grandma..Go see her on your own, it could be fun.

 

Yeah I was actually thinking that I should call her. I am planning to visit some people after the end of the summer and she is on my list. I would like to become closer with her.

 

Your mom is a control freak and has tons of issues that have nothing to do with you.

My suggestion is write her a letter and let her know that you DO love her and care for her and you'd like to have a better relationship with her but until she starts treating you with respect and makes an effort to stop nosing in your life so much, this is how things have to be.

 

You are a grown woman and have your own life. She has to let go and allow you to live your life how you want to and back off at times. She won't change completely but she certainly can make efforts to keep her mouth shut at times.

 

That's a good idea. I don't think I can talk to her on the phone without losing my temper. I will write her a letter. Thank you

Edited July 8, 2012 by SpiralOut

[pink_sugar]

Oh and I also found out that she had invited my aunt and grandmother up for mother's day. And my grandmother had been asking about me, wondering why I wasn't there because she wanted to see me.

 

Instead of telling her the truth - that I had not been invited - my mother told her that I was too busy and couldn't make it.

 

My mother told me all of this on the phone. Like she felt guilty, or something, and wanted me to agree with her? WTF? My grandmother is getting older and she is in poor health. I don't get to see her often. I would have loved to have seen her. I'm not so upset about not being invited, as I am about the fact that she was dishonest about my reasons for not going. She made it look like it was me who didn't want to go.

.

 

My mother was like that when I got a boyfriend at 16, but I was a minor at the time so I cannot really complain. However, I am 23 now and she is always complaining about what I wear and how it's too provacative or whatever. She doesn't get the point that I don't want to hear about how my shorts are too short and my tops are too low when they are not. It makes me not want to visit her anymore if she cannot keep her thoughts to herself. I wear what's comfortable for 110 degree whether. Your mom actually sounds like my husbands mom who never invites him to any family events and then blames it on her lack of maternal instinct!

[Teacher121]

I need to clarify your comment about my brother being damaged by our mother.

 

If mom pushing him to go to college, paying for it and now he has degrees from UM and Yale paid for by them, then walking on them when they were recovering from two mortgages on their home for his million dollar a year job..........yeah, he was so damaged. They devoted their lives to helping us both, he repays them with some crap in therapy for 15 years because mom wasn't freaking June cleaver with dinner on the table every night.

 

He doesn't speak to her now and she's dying.

 

Selfish people are just that, selfish.

 

Makes no sense to me what so ever, life is too short to waste it on petty crap.

[dreamingoftigers]

Teacher 121,

 

 

What.the.Hell?

 

Hi there, Spiral.

 

My parents are boundary-crusades too.

 

It's been.....a struggle.

 

I am also a mother. I realize where sone mothers believe that that now gives them a golden ticket to do to they please because they feel the way that they feel. I do not ascribe to that.

 

I don't look at my own child's experience and think "oh well, that sucks, you'll survive, I'm human."

 

Part of being human is compassion and empathy.

 

I have a lot if compassion for my child, even more so when I do make z mistake, in which case I have to gave some compassion for myself.

 

My background was very abusive. The most abusive thing about it was that the abuse and the feelings I have about it were denied. In fact my family rarely admits to any of the truth (my mother has become more open about this recently however).

 

It seems in this case that it isn't just the boundary being crossed that is the issue. It seems as though no one cares about how it makes you feel that is the more important part.

 

You mother has a very personal agenda. The agenda itself and the feelings behind it are probably not the issue. You probably agree that getting pregnant early and without proper supports in place is not the best idea. You also realize that her fixation on this has next to nothing to do with her level if trust in you, although it really, really feels that way. You probably feel like she just has her fingers in everything and couldn't she just leave it the Hell alone.

 

She probably can't. Not easily, anyways. She's probably about that fixated on it. My mother gets like that too.

 

I really empathize with you not being validated for your feelings of being violated, and that's the more important piece here. If your mom would make an effort to curb it instead of defend her actions and questioning, you'd probably be able to feel okay about the relationship with her.

 

Except for her meddling in the relationship with grandma. I would so spell out that she is not to lie on your behalf EVER. that's totally out of line.

 

And contrary to popular belief, smothering is just as damaging as being abandoning. It is just like being too close to the Sun, or too far away.

 

Most people that have been too far away from the Sun their whole lives can't relate to how you would complain about "some extra warmth."

 

Unfortunately sometimes the only way to set really solid boundaries with someone is to step back from them awhile.

 

I think a lot of the posters here may not be able to see that she is nagging the **** out of you for no apparent reason. You didn't present it like that lol.

 

Some of the advice you've gotten in this thread is to ignore your own feelings and understand your mother's. You've probably been told that your whole life. Kind of like "don't worry be happy." Well that advice doesn't work. The guy who sang that song committed suicide even.

 

I would write your mother a very strong letter about feeling invalidated and how you don't want to hear her defend her actions about invalidating your feelings.

 

Sometimes moms think "I'm your mother, I care, therefore what I do is caring and what I say goes." a lot of spouses think that way too and they end up with divorces because of their inflexibility.

 

My favorite part of this thread was "get over it."

That has to be the most useless phrase in human history.

And how, exactly, does one instantly do that?

Is there a "get over it in 5 minutes or less" manual online?

One's life-altering trauma is causing another some sort of inconvenience?

Should we tell holocaust survivors: come on! It was decades ago! Quit whining!

(not that I am saying your situation is ANYTHING compared to that, I am just illustrating that no one person's grief is on anyone else's timetable.)

 

Best of luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

I need to clarify your comment about my brother being damaged by our mother.

 

If mom pushing him to go to college, paying for it and now he has degrees from UM and Yale paid for by them, then walking on them when they were recovering from two mortgages on their home for his million dollar a year job..........yeah, he was so damaged. They devoted their lives to helping us both, he repays them with some crap in therapy for 15 years because mom wasn't freaking June cleaver with dinner on the table every night.

 

He doesn't speak to her now and she's dying.

 

Selfish people are just that, selfish.

 

Makes no sense to me what so ever, life is too short to waste it on petty

 

crap.

 

My Uncle B went through the same thing with his family.

 

They loaded him up with cash, pushed him to be this, be that and sent him to the best schools because he was their star.

 

My grandfather was a VP at an oil company that we all have heard of. No small player either. Before that he owned a chain of gas stations.

 

My uncle was successful. He did what was asked of him and became wealthy.

 

He no longer speaks to the family. I don't blame him.

 

What if he was pushed and pulled to do something that most people in a different crowd would consider important that he was uncomfortable with?

 

Like a religion? What if he was made to be the best most faithful cult leader and follow in his father's footsteps? He would have wealth etc. But he wouldn't be living a life if his choice. He would be living as the extension of his parents. How unfair.

 

Then having the shame of others calling him "ungrateful" would be too much.

 

My grandparents severely damaged all of their children by not respecting their feelings and decisions while throwing money at them in bulk.

 

My uncle g hasnt worked in 30+ years.

 

My aunt broke free a long time ago, paid for her own education and became a teacher. She was shunned for a time. She has had two very dysfunctional marriages and quite the alcohol problem. She got remarried two years ago, over 100 people came to her reception everyone got her either booze or a plant. EVERYONE.

 

My mother has 3 degrees and uses none. She's completely relationally messed. Boundaries are just another word in the dictionary and she can't do a thing for herself. Not a thing. Can't even make a grilled cheese sandwich. Or fry bacon.