I'm currently not speaking to my mother

[bluegreen]

I keep blinking at your posts because its like am seeing my own words and toughts all trough it ...

[SpiralOut]

She has also laughed at me right in my face. I can understand laughing when someone says something funny,but she is the only one who finds something funny. My father and brother aren't laughing or even smiling, and neither am I. She just laughs at me, doesn't even try to cover it up.

 

To the person who told me I should not call my mother a bitch . . . . you're wrong. She's a bitch. I'm not sorry at all for telling her so. I was a teenager, it's normal for teenagers to do that. Obviously I'm old enough that I can't do that anymore, but I'm glad that I did it back then. It means that I wasn't a complete doormat.

Edited February 4, 2013 by SpiralOut

[Sugarkane]

I cant blame you if you want to cut them off. I hate how society and some posters on here, think you should never cut off a toxic parent. Why is it always ok to be a nutjob just because youre a parent?

[Nyla]

Some parents think that they can treat their adult children however they feel.

You are a human being and your feelings are important too. Don't talk to your family if they are toxic. It hurts but your happiness is important and you don't deserve to be treated unfairly.

 

I am the family scapegoat because I am honest about the dysfunction and abuse in my family of origin. I stand up for myself and I let it be known that I will not tolerate abuse. My family thinks that I am rude and disrespectful just because I give back whatever they dish out. They think I am just supposed to be meek and silent when they are emotionally and physically abusive.

 

All of my siblings and my father are afraid of my narcissistic mother, so they carry news about me and do whatever she says. If I have an argument with my mother, she contacts my extended family along with my brothers and drags them into the conflict. I don't trust any of them so I stay away.

 

My mom tries to be close to me now, but I stay away to protect myself. She beat me mercilessly as a child and screamed insults into my face for years, until I finally had a nervous breakdown. Now that I am older and stronger, I just won't let my mother into my life. She moans about how I don't answer the phone when she calls or have her in my home, but I realize that I am an adult now and I don't have to have negative influences in my life.

 

I told you my story so that you know that you are not alone. PM me if you need to talk and remember to live your truth. You deserve to be treated with respect too!

[SpiralOut]

Going back to the "she's jealous" idea . . . that might be true to a certain extent.

 

For example, she'll compliment me on a shirt that I just bought. I'll say oh thank you I got it from that new shop that opened up. She responds by saying "I can't shop there."

 

(ummm okay. I didn't say that you should shop there....)

 

Or I'll sit down to play some piano when I visit and she'll walk by and say something along the lines of "I'm not very good at that, it's harder for me than it is for you."

 

(okay well if you want to get better at it, sit down and play. you're the one who has a piano sitting there not being used. I don't have one...)

 

I try to talk about plants - which I spend a HUGE amount of my time/energy towards - and sometimes that will go okay but usually it just ends with her talking about how she kills all her plants. So I try to stay away from that topic.

 

Basically I can't talk to her about anything that I do unless she is good at it too. Yet it's okay for her to talk for 20 minutes about the various things that she buys that are quite expensive when she knows I don't have a house and therefore have no reason to ever go shopping for specialty curtains or whatever. But I nod along and try to act interested.

 

She also gives me tons of crap for my sleeping habits even though she has admitted that she used to sleep in late like me. So she of all people should understand that's the way I am instead of being a bitch about it. She literally laughs at me whenever I mention that I am meeting someone for breakfast in the morning. Last time that happened I asked her to explain why she was laughing. Then I told her that I had no problem waking up early for breakfast last time I was up visiting, so I don't see what's the big deal about me going for breakfast again. That shut her up.

 

And she has criticized my friend's life choices right in front of me. Every single time I visit, without fail, she will talk about her friend's daughter and how much she disapproves of her life choices. Seriously, who the hell are you to judge her. I used to try and stand up for her because I used to be friends with her when we were younger but next time, I think I will just stay quiet. What's the point of reasoning with someone who is determined to look down on someone.

[Nyla]

You cannot reason with dysfunction, so stop trying to get your mom to like you.

 

Make your own family of people you choose to have in your life.

[SpiralOut]

You cannot reason with dysfunction, so stop trying to get your mom to like you.

 

Make your own family of people you choose to have in your life.

 

I didn't even realize I was trying to get my mother to like me, but maybe that's what's happening.

 

It feels like she does not like me.

 

But she does things to try to make me like her, like for example she'll randomly send me things in the mail that she thinks I might like.

 

I don't know. It's like we are two people who don't like each other and can't get along but we try to anyway and just fail miserably.

[Nyla]

Maybe you can be civil to your mother if cutting her off is too difficult for you.

 

That is what I do with my mom. I can hug her when she hugs me and talk about mindless subjects, but I cannot be her best friend the way she would like us to be. I am just not comfortable with that.

 

Giving birth to a child does not give a mother the right to be abusive or trample all over boundaries.

 

I believe that respect should always be given to parents, but if they are disrespectful to their adult children, all bets are off.

 

I once had an aunt who told me that "Parents can talk however they want. You're the kid. You HAVE TO put up with it. I cuss my boys and we're still friends." I told her that since my parents no longer look after me, they are not entitled to treat me like I am garbage.

[Radu]

 

I believe that respect should always be given to parents, but if they are disrespectful to their adult children, all bets are off.

 

I once had an aunt who told me that "Parents can talk however they want. You're the kid. You HAVE TO put up with it. I cuss my boys and we're still friends." I told her that since my parents no longer look after me, they are not entitled to treat me like I am garbage.

 

That attitude is one of entitlement in my book.

At some point all children need to understand that their parents are not perfect, and have the confidence to vocalize their wrong.

It's part of what finally cuts the ombilical cord.

 

Parents who do not accept this i suspect are those who did not want kids, but little avatars of themselves.

[SpiralOut]

I have an appointment with a therapist in two weeks. I will be writing a list of things from this thread that happened between myself and my mother, and I'll bring the list with me to the appointment. I want a professional to tell me what is going on. It has helped me a lot to get support from everyone on this thread. It helps me to feel like I am not crazy. Growing up, all my friends knew my mother was "crazy" (their words, not mine) but I never spoke to them about anything she was doing to me. It feels good to get this out of my system finally.

 

Some of my issues might have come from the way my mother treated me. I want someone to help me sort through it. At this point I don't even know if I want to cut her off or not. She called me last week and I ignored the phone. I haven't called back. I haven't even listened to the voicemail she left me. If she weren't still married to my father, I would have cut her off by now. I am just worried that cutting her off might complicate things between my father and myself. I mean what am I going to do for holidays now? Just hang out by myself? I guess that's better than going to dinner at her house, but I want to see my father and brother for holidays.

[Nyla]

I have an appointment with a therapist in two weeks. I will be writing a list of things from this thread that happened between myself and my mother, and I'll bring the list with me to the appointment. I want a professional to tell me what is going on. It has helped me a lot to get support from everyone on this thread. It helps me to feel like I am not crazy. Growing up, all my friends knew my mother was "crazy" (their words, not mine) but I never spoke to them about anything she was doing to me. It feels good to get this out of my system finally.

 

Some of my issues might have come from the way my mother treated me. I want someone to help me sort through it. At this point I don't even know if I want to cut her off or not. She called me last week and I ignored the phone. I haven't called back. I haven't even listened to the voicemail she left me. If she weren't still married to my father, I would have cut her off by now. I am just worried that cutting her off might complicate things between my father and myself. I mean what am I going to do for holidays now? Just hang out by myself? I guess that's better than going to dinner at her house, but I want to see my father and brother for holidays.

 

On holidays, you can have dinner with your chosen family-your friends and a partner when you have one. My husband and I like to enjoy Christmas by ourselves. My FOO was not at my wedding. It makes me sad but I know I need to protect myself.

 

Would your mother try to keep you away from the rest of your family if you stopped talking to her? If so, this is something that narcissists do in order to keep everything focused on them.

[SpiralOut]

Nyla: Yeah I guess so except I don't really HAVE anyone else I consider to be family. Maybe I could go visit my aunts/uncles/cousins or something instead.

Edited February 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Nyla]

I've made my own network of family; three women who I've known from four to 21 years. I also have my loving husband who is a reward for all that I have suffered and a handful of extended family members. Work on making your own family and cultivate the ability to enjoy your own company.

[boaaaar]

Some parents think that they can treat their adult children however they feel.

Adult children with this kind of parents should just play the one-upmanship game. One misstep mister parent ? ok, banned for 3 months. Another misstep after the first ban expired ? another 6 months. Wanna play again ? a whole year. Still don't get it ? 2 years. Parent tries to bypass the ban by forcing communications or dispute the duration of the ban ? 4 years. Again ? 8 years etc. Some imbeciles don't understand anything else than one-upmanship, so better doing this than the wild goose chase for communication/respect/boundariesblabla.

[Nyla]

Nyla: Yeah I guess so except I don't really HAVE anyone else I consider to be family. Maybe I could go visit my aunts/uncles/cousins or something instead.

 

I have very few aunts/uncles/cousins that I trust. Except for one dearly departed aunt, I don't trust any of my aunts or cousins on my mother's side. They love to gossip and defend my mother when she is abusive.

 

Make sure that the aunts/cousins/uncles are not carrying news back to your mother.

 

Do you have any friends? Try working on cultivating closer relationships with them.

[SpiralOut]

Nyla: Don't worry, I'm pretty sure everyone in my family knows how my mother is. Whenever they tell her about something, they go out of their way to tell her "don't tell anyone about this please." They know she is a gossip. Of course, she ignores them and tells me exactly what they said.

 

I'm very lucky to have a wonderful aunt and uncle (on my father's side). They have always treated me with respect and I trust them to use discretion. My aunt has had some similar problems as me when she was younger, so I feel like she gets me. Even though I hardly see her I feel like she is more of what a mother should be . . .

 

I'm pretty sure that my mother has resented me the whole time she was raising me. Maybe even now she is still resentful. I did a google search of mothers resenting their daughters and I found this:

 

"They look for the flaws they never came to terms with in their daughters and they lash out at their daughters as a surrogate for their own inabilities to overcome whatever flaw has bothered them all these years."

 

This explains perfectly what is happening. I'm guessing it's really not normal for a mother to act the way mine does. It's just hard coming to grips with the fact that this is not normal. It's like she subtly brainwashed me into thinking that I suck, all the while pretending that she thinks I'm wonderful. She raised me up and put me down at the same time, trying to make me feel good but not TOO good.

 

This is dysfunctional, isn't it? It makes me feel angry. I feel like I've been mind-f&cked most of my life.

[SpiralOut]

I just got off the phone with her. She talked for a long time about what she's been doing for her health. She has never outright told me what's going on with her. I'm pretty sure it's some form of anxiety. Her doctor told her that her body is constantly in a "fight or flight" mode. And she's had problems with her sleep for a long, long time. I just assumed she was going to all of these specialists because she has always been obsessed with having good health. Something must be really wrong. If you ask me, part of her stress might be in her head. As in, maybe she should talk to someone. And I don't mean to be rude when I say that, I mean I bloody signed myself up for a psychiatrist appointment. I wonder if my anxiety is genetic.

 

Anyway, I feel bad now for saying all these things about her. That doesn't mean that everything she did is okay. I don't know if I even forgive her just yet. But whatever she did, I really don't think that she did it maliciously. Oh yeah, and she also continued to give me some advice on things that she assumed I would like to do. I think maybe she still overidentifies with me, forgetting that I'm not the same person. Ah well. I still don't know what to do but at least I don't feel so angry anymore.

[SWAN808]

hi - I just read the first post and was surprised by the immediate advice of 'get over it' I just would like to say - your mum sounds like a nightmare and that she has some sort of issues with men. I think you are justified in being annoyed by her behaviour-and you have given quite a mature appraisal of it. It must be very tricky dealing with someone with behaviour like that. I just read the immediate posts and it would not surprise me that she has anxiety issues.

[SWAN808]

 

This is dysfunctional, isn't it? It makes me feel angry. I feel like I've been mind-f&cked most of my life.

 

but it sounds like you are going to be ok. You have spotted the dysfunction and can slowly start to do the work to heal it. You sound like an intelligent person but you might need a bit of help from a specialist to work through the wounds and understand how you have been affected. Try to be with an understanding boyfriend and be open with him, and limit your exposure to your mum. Try to find trustworthy parties to talk it through with. Im not sure complete cutoff of her would be the answer because even to a 28 year old - that is a harsh act on yourself (not so worried about her)...unfortunately we all need our parents deeply even if they are less than ideal...

[skyneel]

About my opinion you should talk with your mother. otherwise you can face many family problem.

[SpiralOut]

hi - I just read the first post and was surprised by the immediate advice of 'get over it' I just would like to say - your mum sounds like a nightmare and that she has some sort of issues with men. I think you are justified in being annoyed by her behaviour-and you have given quite a mature appraisal of it. It must be very tricky dealing with someone with behaviour like that. I just read the immediate posts and it would not surprise me that she has anxiety issues.

 

Yeah. It's troubling that she's had issues like that for so long and hasn't resolved them. I think she may also have issues with herself. She puts me down for being introverted, yet she is quite socially awkward herself. It took me a long time to notice it, but it was very apparant last time I visited.

 

but it sounds like you are going to be ok. You have spotted the dysfunction and can slowly start to do the work to heal it. You sound like an intelligent person but you might need a bit of help from a specialist to work through the wounds and understand how you have been affected. Try to be with an understanding boyfriend and be open with him, and limit your exposure to your mum. Try to find trustworthy parties to talk it through with. Im not sure complete cutoff of her would be the answer because even to a 28 year old - that is a harsh act on yourself (not so worried about her)...unfortunately we all need our parents deeply even if they are less than ideal...

 

Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

[turnera]

Addressing mental issues is a lot harder than addressing physiological issues. And the treatment, if one attempts it, is SO slow.

[SpiralOut]

I am remembering other things she did while I was growing up. If I was in the washroom with the door open just putting on makeup or brushing my teeth, she would let herself in and go to the washroom in front of me. It always bothered me. I remember telling her I didn't like it but she did not care. She would just do what she wanted anyway. I always wondered WTF was wrong with her for doing that. We had two bathrooms in the house, she could have used the other one. As I grew older I would just stop what I was doing and leave.

 

I still can't understand why she just refused to accept any boundaries I tried to put in place. That must have messed me up. I tried discussing it with the psychiatrist that I went to last week but he didn't listen. He's the wrong person to talk to about it. I guess I'll just try and sort this out myself.

 

Another thing. Whenever she says she loves me, I don't believe her. She doesn't respect me. She makes jabs at me. Then tries to make me like her by giving me things. That's not love.

 

 

Addressing mental issues is a lot harder than addressing physiological issues. And the treatment, if one attempts it, is SO slow.

 

Yeah that's true. I've seen lots of people blame their depression/anxiety on something physical instead of admitting it is something mental. Even I took a long time to come to grips with my issues.... so I can understand that. It's just frustrating to stand by and watch.

Edited March 10, 2013 by SpiralOut

[turnera]

My daughter's graduating this semester with a BS in psychology. She tells me that introspection is the #1 key to happiness. Elevating yourself above the rabble, so to speak, and becoming 'aware' of you, your life, other people, possibilities, and ways to make things better. That puts you miles ahead of everyone else who just trudges through this life.

[SpiralOut]

Thanks turnera. I like reading your responses because they're always insightful . . . funny thing is that I googled "introspection" and found a lot of articles talking about how bad it is to do too much of it. Sort of makes me wonder if those people are just making up excuses for not doing it.

 

I am almost finished reading the book Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking. I am having a very strong emotional reaction to it. It is filled with evidence that nothing is wrong with a person for being introverted or sensitive. There is even a chapter talking about ways in which quiet children are undermined by their own parents, and ways in which they SHOULD be treated so they don't grow up thinking that something is wrong with them.

 

I think my mother is part of the reason I grew up thinking something is wrong with me. She never said it explicitly, but she would say weird things to me sometimes about me.

 

She never accepted me for who I am. She still doesn't. Probably never will.