I'm currently not speaking to my mother

[turnera]

There's nothing at all wrong with being an introvert, unless it keeps you from doing what you want to do.

[Nyla]

Thanks turnera. I like reading your responses because they're always insightful . . . funny thing is that I googled "introspection" and found a lot of articles talking about how bad it is to do too much of it. Sort of makes me wonder if those people are just making up excuses for not doing it.

 

I am almost finished reading the book Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking. I am having a very strong emotional reaction to it. It is filled with evidence that nothing is wrong with a person for being introverted or sensitive. There is even a chapter talking about ways in which quiet children are undermined by their own parents, and ways in which they SHOULD be treated so they don't grow up thinking that something is wrong with them.

 

I think my mother is part of the reason I grew up thinking something is wrong with me. She never said it explicitly, but she would say weird things to me sometimes about me.

 

She never accepted me for who I am. She still doesn't. Probably never will.

 

I know that not feeling loved or accepted by your mother must be painful. It is a very daunting task to have self love when we are not loved by our mothers. It can be done though.

 

Another book you can read is The Introvert Advantage.

[SpiralOut]

Thanks Nyla for the book suggestion. I'll probably check it out eventually.

 

I just spent the weekend with my family. I'm leaving tomorrow morning and so far my mother has not made rude comments about my introversion, made inappropriate jokes about people with aspergers, or insulted any of my former classmates or former friends. She normally does all of those things. I was fully prepared to call her out on it, but turns out I didn't need to.

 

The only thing she did was interrupt my conversations with my brother to let us know how boring she thinks it is. Well, if you think it's boring, start a conversation with your husband who is sitting right beside you. I don't see my brother often and plants/gardening/botony is something we have in common, so just suck it up when we talk about that stuff. I don't interrupt and complain when she talks endlessly about people or things I don't care about - and she does that A LOT. I don't know why she feels the need to go on and on about how "boring" she thinks my conversations are. She was actually explaining to my brother, right in front of me, how she "thinks that is just so boring!" I'm wondering if she wanted him to agree with her! Instead, he explained to her WHY I am interested in this stuff. She changed her tune pretty quickly. She suddenly acted as if she understood what he meant! Oh geez. I also corrected her a few times whenever she said "that's boring." I just said "it's boring to you, you mean." "it doesn't interest you, that's what you mean."

 

Okay at this point I am basically just venting. It really annoys me that she expects other people to only discuss subjects that SHE finds interesting. I'm sick of sitting through her MANY conversations that are utterly uninteresting to me, yet as soon as I try and discuss something I care about she tells me she doesn't care about that, doesn't understand that, or finds it boring. Well I don't care about your stupid shopping trip but I still listened to you go on and on about it. I still don't completely understand why she acts that way.

 

I got into an argument with her about something that I thought she was being ignorant about. I'm not sure if I went too far or not. I indirectly called her a smartass (because she was being one) and she got offended about that but oh well.

[SpiralOut]

I forgot to mention something. She told all of us that if she could do it all again, she would have raised me and my brother as Buddhists.

 

I said to her, "you told me that you regretted not raising me to be Catholic." Because she had, and it had really offended me that she'd said that. Without missing a beat she said "oh yeah but I've changed my mind."

 

 

Wow. I just called her out on something inappropriate she had said to me and she didn't even see anything wrong with it. I guess for some reason she thinks it is okay to tell her children that she regrets the way she has raised them.

 

She spent a lot of time talking to herself while I was there. I'm actually starting to worry about her. Something's really not right and I don't think it's likely she'll change. It bothers me.

[turnera]

Wow. I just called her out on something inappropriate she had said to me and she didn't even see anything wrong with it. I guess for some reason she thinks it is okay to tell her children that she regrets the way she has raised them.

I just don't get why this stuff messes with you so much. So what if she regrets how she raised you. Do you think that's a dis at you? I didn't read it that way - more that SHE had regrets about HER life. Maybe there's not as much in what she says as you think, and you're just too raw to see that.

[SpiralOut]

I just don't get why this stuff messes with you so much. So what if she regrets how she raised you. Do you think that's a dis at you? I didn't read it that way - more that SHE had regrets about HER life. Maybe there's not as much in what she says as you think, and you're just too raw to see that.

 

Well yeah, it feels like it's a "dis" at me. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if I felt like she accepted me already. To me this feels like yet more evidence that she doesn't like the way I turned out.

 

I wish she would say something more like "I should have respected your privacy" or "I shouldn't have been so hard on you" or "I wish I would have apologized to you when I was wrong." Instead, all she cares about is religion??

[turnera]

So what this is really about is your lack of self worth. IIWY, I'd forget about her and just focus on learning to love yourself more. Go to therapy, get some workbooks and do the homework, focus on that. Once you love yourself, you won't be able to care less what she thinks of you.

[SpiralOut]

So what this is really about is your lack of self worth. IIWY, I'd forget about her and just focus on learning to love yourself more. Go to therapy, get some workbooks and do the homework, focus on that. Once you love yourself, you won't be able to care less what she thinks of you.

 

 

I've been trying to fix my confidence for a couple of years now. Done the counselling, self-help books, am now on medication. And I still have a lack of self worth. I don't know what else to do. I thought that I was getting better. Seeing her makes me feel like I haven't made any progress at all.

[SpiralOut]

Now that I think of it, those are two subjects that are touchy for me. I am very touchy about religion. Only recently have I come to an understanding of it. I'm insecure about the path I have started to take because there is a lot of prejudice towards it. I haven't told anyone IRL about what I'm doing.

 

The whole "that's boring" incident bothered me because I take that subject very seriously. I am planning to start working in that field, maybe even go to graduate school if I need to. She doesn't know that, so I guess I can't really get mad at her for talking badly about it. It still hurt though to have her thinking so little of something that means a lot to me. I have plans to spend most of my summer gardening and doing tree planting and farming as a volunteer. I teach myself things in my spare time. I think that's something to be admired. Kinda surprised me that she'd have nothing positive to say about it.

 

But you're right. I shouldn't care what she thinks. Once I have more confidence, I won't care what she thinks anymore.

[turnera]

Have you tried a workbook, that has actual homework to do? I remember having one once. It really does take consistent, active action to change perceptions and feelings. Just reading a book won't do it. (BTDT) You have to literally change your habits, to see results.

 

https://www.google.com/#q=workbooks+for+self+esteem&hl=en&source=univ&tbm=shop&tbo=u&sa=X&ei=_ZRdUaLdF_GI2gXP_YHQCQ&ved=0CFEQsxg&bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&bvm=bv.44770516,d.b2I&fp=3c65ab070b84e3b6&biw=1613&bih=814

[SpiralOut]

Have you tried a workbook, that has actual homework to do? I remember having one once. It really does take consistent, active action to change perceptions and feelings. Just reading a book won't do it. (BTDT) You have to literally change your habits, to see results.

 

https://www.google.com/#q=workbooks+for+self+esteem&hl=en&source=univ&tbm=shop&tbo=u&sa=X&ei=_ZRdUaLdF_GI2gXP_YHQCQ&ved=0CFEQsxg&bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&bvm=bv.44770516,d.b2I&fp=3c65ab070b84e3b6&biw=1613&bih=814

 

No I haven't. I just ordered one now. I feel so embarrassed by all the books on my floor. I have so many self-help ones and now look, I'm buying another one! Oh well it is set to arrive next week. Hopefully it will help.

[turnera]

Good luck! And let us know if it works.

[SpiralOut]

We get along okay on the phone but not in person. I'm noticing this now. I think that's the only reason we are still in contact at all. I don't know what it is that aggravates her when she's around me. My father makes fun of her a lot. Is she trying to pass that off onto me so she doesn't have to deal with it? Or does she just feel intimidated by me? Trying to impress other people around us? Why is she nice to me on the phone but then so nasty in person?

 

I will be calling her on Mother's Day. After that I won't talk to her for a while as I continue to work on my self-esteem.

[turnera]

I know that when my H is rude or mean to me, I immediately feel like being rude or mean to my DD22. I try not to, but I see it happening. It's a subconscious thing to take the hurt away, and pass it onto someone who cannot hurt you.

 

Maybe try to see things from her point of view. IS she hurting? Is she lonely? Miserable?

[SpiralOut]

I don't think she's happy. For many, many years now she has openly criticized my grown cousins, her friends' grown children, former classmates of mine. She RANTS about them. She repeats the exact same thing over and over and over. So far she hasn't outright insulted my friends, but she shook her head and said "that's too bad" when they got pregnant and she found out about it. I'm pretty sure that happy people don't talk that way about others.

 

I think that she must be lonely because she sometimes overshares information with me. It makes me wonder what is she telling me this for instead of her friends (she does have friends). One of her friends has MS. She has told me before why she would never get a divorce, leading me to believe that she must have thought about it. My father has constantly put her down. While growing up, I assumed she didn't mind it, since she never told him off. She never cries or acts hurt. She never stood up for herself against him. She never stood up to other people either and he used to get angry with her about that, telling her that she needs to tell others off. I'm starting to wonder now if maybe it does really bother her but she just hides it.

 

I am very good at pretending to not care. I get that from her. Sometimes that can be a strength. Sometimes its not though.

 

The way she has stuck her nose in my business and harassed me about things has made me harden myself off to her. We have never had that great of a relationship. I haven't forgiven her. She's not stupid; she knows that I don't like talking to her. We hardly speak to each other anymore when I visit. It must be hard for her to have a daughter who doesn't like her. She must know that she did it to herself. And whenever she looks at me, she sees her own parenting mistakes because I have picked up on her worst qualities - passive aggressiveness, social awkwardness, bad attitude towards certain things. Many a time have I left the room and overheard her complaining about me, to which my father would reply "she got that from you. You taught her that."

 

When I was younger she used to tell me if I ever got pregnant she would support my choice to have an abortion. At first I appreciated it, but she repeated herself so many times that I felt badgered by her. It pissed me off. Looking back on it, I'm wondering if she secretely WANTED me to get pregnant and lose the baby as some sort of sick way of living through me.

 

I really don't like looking at this from her point of view. It makes me feel sad. And I still don't know what to do about it. We never confront each other about anything. We act passive-aggressive towards each other, then act as if nothing happened even though both of us still harbour resentments. That's the way it has always been. We never apologize to each other.

Edited May 11, 2013 by SpiralOut

[whichwayisup]

Maybe it's time to confront her Spiral. Being passive with one another solves nothing. You two feed off of each other and nothing is going to change unless you change the dynamic.

 

Decide if it's worth really trying to fix things with your mom, if so, then drag her to family counseling and make a go of a healthier mom/daughter relationship. If not, then learn how to fight off her being picky, nosy and passive. Ignore her and don't let things escalate to the point it upsets you.

 

My mom was just diagnosed with cancer (it is curable, though this won't be an easy thing for her or any of us in the upcoming months) and I tell ya, the stupid crap she and I would bicker over, her control issues (aka her baggage) and other stuff, just isn't worth fighting over, or really getting that upset about. Your mom is who she is, you are who you are. Somehow find a middle ground, meet half way and work together to get along better, if possible and if the desire is there.

 

Life is short.

[SpiralOut]

It might be worth it. I don't know how to even broach the subject of family counselling. "hey mom, I'm thinking of visiting town this weekend. lets go to family counselling while I'm visiting"? I don't know. I just feel weird about being the one to make a confrontation. It makes me feel like I'm the parent. Maybe I could talk to someone else in my family to get their advice on how to talk to her?

 

There is some triangulation happening. My father (and sometimes my brother) has acted as a referee between us ever since I can remember. The reason I don't bother to confront her anymore is because she refuses to listen to me. She only listens to him. It's infuriating. The only time she ever admits to doing anything wrong to me is if he steps in and TELLS her. Doesn't matter if I already told her first. I'm sick and tired of the way she never takes me seriously.

 

Would you say that's the only way to fix things? Counselling? I guess it must be since I don't trust her to actually listen to anything I say.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her that you are unhappy with your dynamic with her and let her know some changes have to be made. Don't just make an appt. and expect her to go.. talk about it with her, that you are willing to fix things so you can be closer and have a better and more mature relationship as mom/daughter.

[SpiralOut]

Tell her that you are unhappy with your dynamic with her and let her know some changes have to be made. Don't just make an appt. and expect her to go.. talk about it with her, that you are willing to fix things so you can be closer and have a better and more mature relationship as mom/daughter.

 

Haha. Don't worry, I wouldn't have just made an appointment and expected her to go. Even I know that's silly. It just boggles my mind, the idea of actually having that conversation with her, even though I know it needs to be done. I need time to think about all of this. It's nerve-wracking.

[turnera]

The best advice I can give you is to start thinking of yourself - or reminding yourself - that you're now an adult, too. Start looking at her like another adult (like you), and two adults can talk about things. It helps you pull back and see her as a person, not just your mom (with all that baggage); it helps you feel more equal to her. And that will help you talk to her.

[SpiralOut]

I think it's BECAUSE I see myself as another adult, as an equal to her, that I've been feeling so angry with her. I can't believe she dumped her baggage on me the entire time I was growing up. Part of me still blames her for my self-esteem issues and difficulty in being assertive. These issues have made my life hell. I can't stand the idea of being made to apologize to her.

 

I think that's partly why I'm scared of talking to her. I'm worried it will turn into this conversation where I end up apologizing to her and she doesn't say sorry for anything, then we hang up, and then I realize what just happened. I used to have this "friend" that this would happen with all the time. Whenever I confronted her she would turn it all around on me and trick me into doing all the apologizing.

[bluegreen]

I wonder will they always be able make us feel small and vulnerable even if we ignore them stood up to them more or less took control of our lives.

not talk to them or set firm boundaries when they "play" nice we feel this way like a child again.

 

Why is that

 

 

PS: Of course their nice ALWAYS has some catch

[SpiralOut]

I realize that she has always treated me as if I am naïve and don't know anything and can't deal with bad people if I meet them. But if I am that way, SHE is the one who made me that way. Growing up, she ignored the word no when I told it to her. When I expressed my anger, she would say "I don't care" and walk away from me. If my father overheard me yelling at her he would say "don't talk to her that way" and that was the end of it. So I wasn't allowed to be mad at her or think she did anything wrong. It taught me to not bother arguing with people because what's the point, they won't listen to me anyway and it's wrong of me to disagree. She was always right and I was always wrong because she is the mother. That whole "I'm right because I am the mother" thing teaches a child to be naïve because it also teaches them things like "the policeman is good no matter what, because he's a policeman." THAT sort of thinking. She taught me that.

 

But then she acted hysterical about not wanting me to get raped, not even trusting me "not to get into cars with strangers" (she told me this at age 16!!) and worried I will get kidnapped. She constantly saw me and treated me as if I were a victim. But she is the one who taught me that it's wrong to say no, that I need to turn the other cheek, that if someone says they are right it means they are right. The other person is always right. If someone shames me or scolds me, it is because I did something wrong. There is no possibility that they are in the wrong. There were times when she made me cry right in front of her and she never apologized.

 

She taught me to be naïve then panicked and hovered over me. I don't know how to even feel about this anymore. I feel as though she treated me like a thing, not a person my whole life. I was something for her to have and to treat as she liked and I just had to deal with it. Then she would do nice things to try and make me like her. That's probably why I freak out when people try to be nice to me by paying for things or giving me things.

Edited July 13, 2013 by SpiralOut

[turnera]

I suggest you invest in a self defense course, the kind that you take for several months.

[SpiralOut]

I suggest you invest in a self defense course, the kind that you take for several months.

 

You mean assertiveness training? Or do you mean physical punching and kicking self defense course?