I'm currently not speaking to my mother

[loveislife11]

Love and honor your mother by requesting that she provide you with privacy and respect. If your are Christian and she doesn't listen to you then get the clergy and church involved. If what you are telling us is the truth then her actions are not out of "LOVE", but some sort of busy-body gossip that should have better things to do than mettle in your life.

 

She may be trying to help you straighten out though if you are a "wild" child and get you to realize the truth of errors. The gossip however is very unloving and cruel.

 

The main option is moving far away and telling her that you are going to dissolve communication from her if she doesn't show you love. Sometimes the only way to separate ourselves from bad scenarios if we aren't the ones creating them is to walk away and leave completely and hopefully find a loving community if we are initially acting in love.

 

Heck you might be called/pulled for a greater reason that you don't understand to another locale where your gifts are needed. Sometimes the enemy heavily encamps and we either have to find a way to overcome the enemy that is roaring around us like a lion; seeking whom it can devour or else pray for those you have to get away from.

 

Again love and honor your mother, but understand not by your own understanding, but by the grace of GOD and his son JESUS.

[SpiralOut]

I'm visiting with my family this weekend. I made more effort to talk with my mother. She really does take everything and make it all about herself. Sometimes I don't know if she is even listening to the things that people say to her.

 

She was acting just fine with me until tonight when she blurted out something rude. I made a comment about me possibly doing easter dinner one year and she said, "but you wouldn't be very good at coordinating things to cook because you would still be sleeping at 10am." This was in reference to the fact that I'm a night owl and I sleep in late.

 

My first thought was, "that doesn't make any sense. What does my sleep schedule have to do with my ability to cook for 4 people?"

Then I thought, "she doesn't want to admit that I can do it."

Finally I thought, "I don't feel like trying to reason with her."

 

Out loud I said, "Mmmmm. No. I'm good at cooking."

 

There was a long silence. Then she said "I know you're good at cooking." At that point my dad and brother jumped into the conversation, which became all about her. I don't even know what that was about, but I'm proud of myself for not reacting.

 

I don't know if she even knows what she sounds like. She admitted that others have commented on the stuff that comes out of her mouth sometimes. lol. She just can't help it I guess.

Edited April 21, 2014 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I've got to admit it, I'm feeling tripped up by this. I hate it when she says something rude, then turns around and acts confused and surprised when I act offended. She doesn't understand how she comes across and she acts as if I misinterpreted her. I KNOW that she wasn't just making a light-hearted joke, because earlier that day I had overheard her complaining about me. Her comment was passive-aggressive.

 

It's good that I didn't react emotionally. I think she became a bit defensive, actually. Still, it's not good that I'm feeling tripped up by it. That woman . . . sometimes I wonder if she gaslights me without even knowing that she's doing it.

[turnera]

Actually, I'm really proud of you. You reacted like an adult, not a daughter, and you kept your silence while she waited for you to apologize, and you DIDN'T!

 

Keep doing these little things and you will slowly teach her to respect you as an adult. Good job!

[turnera]

I wonder if she gaslights me without even knowing that she's doing it.

Of course she does. And she wouldn't even recognize it if you tried to explain it.

 

That's why there's no point trying. The only thing you can control is YOU. And by changing YOUR dance, she has no hope but to change hers.

[SpiralOut]

Actually, I'm really proud of you. You reacted like an adult, not a daughter, and you kept your silence while she waited for you to apologize, and you DIDN'T!

 

Keep doing these little things and you will slowly teach her to respect you as an adult. Good job!

 

She was waiting for me to apologize?? What the hell would I apologize for? Lol. I wasn't even expecting a response from her. I thought the conversation was over.

 

That just makes it even more funny.

[turnera]

That's what the silence was for. She was waiting for you to climb back into your 'role' of obedient daughter who kisses her ass. You didn't. (but your dad and brother sure did!) Great lesson for her to learn.

 

And I'm glad you're getting to where you find it funny. That's important!

[SpiralOut]

Well okay but I still don't understand what she expected me to say exactly. I did not say or do anything wrong. She did. She owed me an apology. Did she think that I wronged her because I made her feel bad by making her realize that she wasn't being very nice? Or did she think that she did nothing wrong, and that it was rude of me to disagree with her? Either way is really messed up. Maybe it is better if I don't understand her thought process.

 

Actually now that I think of it . . . the next day I had a delayed reaction. I doubted myself. That's what you saw in my post where I felt like I had been "tripped up." I began to wonder if she had just meant it as a joke, and that I was overreacting to it because my self-esteem is low or something. I wondered if I looked silly for misunderstanding her.

 

THAT must be the reaction she wanted out of me. To realize that she meant no harm even though she obviously did. To immediately forgive, to not stand up for myself, to not expect an apology because she never owes me one because she never does anything wrong. She wanted me to realize that I was the one who did something wrong, even though I didn't.

 

Holy ****.

Edited April 24, 2014 by SpiralOut

[turnera]

Yes, it is messed up, and yes, she wanted to punish you. But it is her reality. People have been letting her get away with it her whole life. You're probably the first person who hasn't rushed to kiss her ass in her life. You gave her something to think about. But most likely, she's just thinking what an ungrateful witch you are, lol.

 

She won't change. But you CAN teach her how to treat you.

 

Have you read much about passive aggressiveness? It's a real eye-opener.

[SpiralOut]

Yes, it is messed up, and yes, she wanted to punish you. But it is her reality. People have been letting her get away with it her whole life. You're probably the first person who hasn't rushed to kiss her ass in her life. You gave her something to think about. But most likely, she's just thinking what an ungrateful witch you are, lol.

 

She won't change. But you CAN teach her how to treat you.

 

Have you read much about passive aggressiveness? It's a real eye-opener.

 

Punish me for what?? For saying that I am a good cook? Or was her comment her way of punishing me for something else entirely? I can think of a few things that might have annoyed her earlier that weekend, like disagreeing with her when she said things that were factually wrong, and agreeing with her when she insulted herself. Lol. Okay maybe that last one was a bit rude, but it was funny. I don't think I deserve "punishment" for that. Give me a break.

 

Yes I am familiar with passive-aggressiveness. I have it myself, unfortunately, and have been trying to stop doing it. Normally when my mother acts passive-aggressive, I am able to figure out why. Now, I am just clueless. I have no clue of what her problem is.

 

ETA: Okay wait. I think I've almost got it. When she made her comment, and let the silence stretch out, was she expecting me to understand that she was angry, and to understand why? I was supposed to figure out for myself why she was upset, then apologize for it?

Edited April 25, 2014 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I would like a second opinion on this.

 

My parents want to visit me next month to watch me do a race. This is my first race, and I'm doing it with some girls I'm still getting to know. It is very important to me. I think it is just the thing I need to boost my confidence.

 

As much as I would like to see family at the finish line, I don't want my mother there. My father and brother would be fine, but not her. I don't trust her. How do I know she won't slip in a backwards compliment? An outright insult? How do I know she won't embarass me by speaking to me as though I am 5 in front of my new friends? The more I think of it the more anxious I feel.

 

Should I tell them to not come after all? They keep trying to make me tell them when I want to see them that day, even though I don't know if I'm going out with the girls after or what is happening. I wanted to keep the whole thing spontaneous, easy-going. I feel stressed out they keep trying to nail down a plan, when I made these plans LONG before they decided to visit. I feel stressed out and guilty. I cannot handle negativity that day. Even if she behaves herself, I don't want to spend the whole day feeling worried that she won't. I don't want her around me right now.

 

I don't want to hurt my father's feelings, but I just might have to call him and explain to him that I cannot be around his wife right now. I don't trust her. Should I tell him that until I feel I can trust her, that I will have to limit the types of contact I have with them? It makes me feel horrible to do that, but I don't know if I can handle seeing her....

[jellybean89]

I admit to not reading the entire thread, especially since it was started almost 2 years ago.

 

The posts of yours I read (from the first page and also from the last page) show me a daughter who doesn't understand that her mother is human and has faults. You seem to have such high expectations of her that it really doesn't matter what she does, you will find fault.

 

The comment about cooking easter...I actually would have said something the same as it is hard to think about someone who sleeps most of the morning/mid-morning away to be able to pull off an easter meal (which in my family usually takes place about 2 pm).

 

You have to learn to accept her faults. You have to learn to stop expecting her to become a totally different person than she is.

 

I find it sad that you don't know anything about her childhood. It shows you have no interest in her, how she grew up, etc. Many older women grew up in a totally different 'world' where they were lesser than their spouses... (you made snide comments about her not talking to someone at a cashier window) they let their spouse take the lead and didn't handle dealing with stuff like that. A friends mom had no idea that when a bill comes in the mail, they include a return envelope (she found this out after her spouse died). She was taken care of in every way and when her husband died, she had to learn all these "normal" daily things that we all take for granted. Her husband handled everything and her life was taking care of the house and the children. That's it.

 

Instead of having your defenses up all the time, stop being ready to jump at her when she opens her mouth. Remember she was raised in a different era, and since you have no idea what her childhood was like, she may have issues that tainted her for life and she is scared for you. You don't know much about your parents marriage. Going to your dad to complain about "his wife" is wrong. Many men do not place their children above their spouse; that is more of a female thing. His priority is his wife and her well being. My own father would walk on glass for my mom. While my dad loves his children very much; he didn't grow a baby in his belly for 9+ months, he didn't give birth and many men don't have anywhere near the same bond as women do. I believe this is easily proven when a child moves out of the family home - the mom is normally the one falling apart and crying and the dad is dancing and ready to have his wife's full attention back.

 

The fact that your parents want to watch you run your first race is awesome. They care enough to travel to see you do that. You can let them know "hey just so you know, after the race, I probably will be hanging out with the girls I am running with so if you are coming to watch the race, that's great ..... but I probably will not be around after the race to hang out with you guys". Set the boundaries and expectations.

 

I would also suggest counseling for you to deal with your mom issues. Harboring this much hate against your mom isn't healthy for you at all. You are going to alienate your dad and brother if you can't figure out how to deal with the anger you have for your mother.

[SpiralOut]

I admit to not reading the entire thread, especially since it was started almost 2 years ago.

 

 

 

Thanks for your advice.

Edited April 27, 2014 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

In a way, dealing with my narcissistic mother has been good for me. I am now able to recognize her traits in other people. I am grateful to the people on LS who have shown support and understanding. If it weren't for these forums and the help I received on here, I might not have ever woken up.

 

I am proud of myself for the progress I have made.

[Tayla]

Lol. Okay maybe that last one was a bit rude, but it was funny. I don't think I deserve "punishment" for that. Give me a break

 

I find that comment rather insightfull. Perhaps that is your mothers attitude when she makes snarky comments too. Just a thought to consider.

 

Will say that responding to her in an even tone factual way seems to work wonders! Even when someone's goal is to insult my character i find a way to agree. Example: "gee that outfit makes you look fat"! I respond with, hey your right, i do have some blubber , and next week when the stock market soars on whale blubber i"m gonna sell it! Til then its my investment:).

[SpiralOut]

I find that comment rather insightfull. Perhaps that is your mothers attitude when she makes snarky comments too. Just a thought to consider.

 

Will say that responding to her in an even tone factual way seems to work wonders! Even when someone's goal is to insult my character i find a way to agree. Example: "gee that outfit makes you look fat"! I respond with, hey your right, i do have some blubber , and next week when the stock market soars on whale blubber i"m gonna sell it! Til then its my investment:).

 

It is possible that she thinks that way. I've mentioned before that I have some of her less desirable traits.

 

How do you suggest dealing with her anxious behaviours? She repeats herself frequently. It's extremely irritating. The only reason I agreed with her self-insult was because she kept saying it over and over and I wanted her to stop it. I had no malicious intent towards her, although looking back on it I can see how it may have come across as insensitive. Should I have just said something like "I heard you the first time" or "you don't need to keep saying that"? Or should I have just ignored it?

 

Are the repetitions an insecurity thing? She told me three times in a row that she used to drink Smirnoff ice, then she told me repeatedly that she eats lots of fruit. I try my best to ignore it, but it strikes me as very odd. I don't really understand it.

Edited April 27, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Tayla]

Hmmmm... Good question to ask. I can only express what has worked in my past job field. Some of the patients had repetitive talk and behaviors that needed modified. May i suggest a show stopper?? Carry a pad an pen. When your mother goes into her repetitious soliliquay, write it done ( this does two things, gives you time to respond and... Drum roll please, satisfies or irritates the talker). The bottom line is they will know you heard them and felt their banter was sooo important that you simply had to write it down. Then in the future when they go off on the same topic, you can say - hmmm let me check my book, i think i recall you mentioning that back in (insert date-time). Be consistent despite their reaction. At some point she"ll cave in and some lightbulb will come on. Remain even tone when reciting ,the key is to not be sarcastic or belittling. It takes a toll though in getting thru....

[turnera]

How do you suggest dealing with her anxious behaviours?

SpiralOut, this isn't about your mom. It's about you.

 

Get therapy, learn to love yourself, and, amazingly, all this crap about your mom will fall by the wayside. The wisest people don't have to prove anything, don't get swayed by what other people do, let it slide off their shoulders. In fact, the wisest people respond to rudeness or mental issues with compassion. "You look fat today, daughter?" "Oh, do you really think so, mom? Thanks for letting me know."

 

You do that enough, and she'll either stop baiting you since it no longer works or you'll stop hearing the baiting and see the poor, unhappy person that your mom is, and you'll feel love and pity for her. Either way, you'll be at peace.

[SpiralOut]

SpiralOut, this isn't about your mom. It's about you.

 

Get therapy, learn to love yourself, and, amazingly, all this crap about your mom will fall by the wayside. The wisest people don't have to prove anything, don't get swayed by what other people do, let it slide off their shoulders. In fact, the wisest people respond to rudeness or mental issues with compassion. "You look fat today, daughter?" "Oh, do you really think so, mom? Thanks for letting me know."

 

You do that enough, and she'll either stop baiting you since it no longer works or you'll stop hearing the baiting and see the poor, unhappy person that your mom is, and you'll feel love and pity for her. Either way, you'll be at peace.

Well that's what I keep trying to do but nothing is working. I guess that's why I get so tripped up. Here I am analyzing what I might have done wrong to trigger her behaviour, when really, if she loved herself, she wouldn't have taken it the wrong way and acted out passive-aggressively against me in the first place. I am sitting here blaming myself for her behaviour.... I shouldn't be doing that.

 

 

I'll keep trying.

[turnera]

analyzing what I might have done wrong

 

This right here is the crux of your problem.

 

You haven't done anything wrong, but being brought up by a dysfunctional woman has resulted in you having no self esteem. Which means the first thing you rush to is to blame yourself.

 

Work on that. Do you have a self esteem workbook like this? You can only change these feelings with consistent, slow and steady, dedicated work to change your mind's wiring. It's tough but it can be done.

[SpiralOut]

This right here is the crux of your problem.

 

You haven't done anything wrong, but being brought up by a dysfunctional woman has resulted in you having no self esteem. Which means the first thing you rush to is to blame yourself.

 

Work on that. Do you have a self esteem workbook like this? You can only change these feelings with consistent, slow and steady, dedicated work to change your mind's wiring. It's tough but it can be done.

 

 

 

I don't have an actual workbook. I have a regular book with exercises at the end of the chapter I'm supposed to do. I've been writing out answers in a notebook, feeling good about it and telling myself I will finish it all, then it goes back in the drawer and I forget about it. I can't seem to focus on it. Maybe a workbook would help me to focus more.

[turnera]

Put a reminder in your phone calendar every couple days.

[SpiralOut]

^^ As if I didn't even think of that. Some part of my brain is trying to sabotage me. Anyway, I spent about two hours with it last night so that's good.

[SpiralOut]

I realized something last night. My parents - both of them, but moreso my mother - have gone out of their way to explain to me the sacrifices they have made in their lives in order to raise me. They made it very clear that children cost money and that they don't get to go out as much as they'd like because when you have kids you need to stay home and look after them. They also complain (even to this day) about how they did not get to travel while raising me. This is a point that has been repeated by both my mother and father, regularly, ever since I was little. My mother also made it clear that she hated spending her own money on me.

 

The message I took from this was:

"I'm in the way. I'm an inconvenience. I don't deserve anything. Being a parent is horrible. Having children ruins your life. I ruined my parents life just by being born. Having a family is the worst thing a person could do. They resent me."

 

I didn't think of that on a conscious level, but the message was there. I didn't ask for much, I felt uncomfortable when they bought me things. I hung back a lot. Whenever I approached anyone, I always worried that I was bothering them. I don't know if they said these things to my brother or not. Maybe they had him on purpose then I was the child who came along and ruined all their plans. That's their problem though. I didn't ask to be born.

[turnera]

Those things are usually best handled in therapy.