I'm currently not speaking to my mother

[SpiralOut]

She is coming up this weekend so we'll see how that goes.

 

I am shocked by the way she makes everything about herself. It is so bad that when I try to connect with her, nothing works. She doesn't recognize what I am trying to say or what I am trying to do. I spent most of the conversation talking about her. Then I mentioned how tired I felt from biking 40km and all she had to say was how she feels too tired to do that. WTF?! She doesn't even have a bike!! Is that seriously ALL she had to say? Unbelievable. I didn't say anything. I gave up and ended the conversation.

 

I am appalled. Being able to see this clearly helps me to not take things so personally, but at the same time I am shocked. It is impossible to form any sort of meaningful, real connection with her. I am shocked and confused about how she could hold herself so distant from her own daughter. It seems strange to me.

[SpiralOut]

duplicate post

 

I wanted to edit out the part about being distant from her daughter. Maybe she is like that with everyone and I never noticed. Perhaps she acts that way with her own friends and they overlook it because they know she means well. I don't think she means harm to anyone, she is just too wrapped up in herself to see the effect she has on others.

 

It's still odd to me though. It's like trying to have a relationship with a wall.

Edited May 29, 2014 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I somehow got along with her today when she came up to visit. I tried to see her for who she is and accept it, instead of expecting or wanting something different and getting mad about it when she didn't do what I think a mother should do. It still hurts that she doesn't care more about me, but she is who she is.

 

Don't think she insulted me, or if she tried to I didn't notice it. I kept things light and didn't share anything personal. She opened up, and I can see that she's a bit lonely.

 

I am almost through the book "Will I ever be good enough?". It took several months to follow one of the steps. I'm moving onto the final step now.

[SpiralOut]

Come to think of it, she did make a few rude comments yesterday. I corrected her and forgot about them.

 

Today we went for breakfast and she jumped on my back again about my sleep habits. It doesn't make any sense because

 

a) it's none of her business

b) It is okay for an adult to sleep however they want so long as it doesn't interfere with their job or other important things.

c) I often wake up early and she knows that but she continues to insist that I can't do it.

d) it doesn't matter how people sleep. who the hell cares??

 

In the car on our way to breakfast this morning:

Father: So did you have a good sleep SpiralOut? (I ran a race yesterday and he knew how tired I had been)

Me: Yeah I did thanks

Mother: But you didn't get to sleep in long enough! *laughs*

Me: Uhhh. Actually I've been awake since 7am (two hours earlier)

Mother: *mocking* Right. Just like you always do!!

 

At this point I realized that she doesn't see me for who I am. She is living in the past and insisting that I am the same person now that I was 10 years ago. I pretended to not understand.

 

Me: Why do you make fun of me so much for my sleep habits? I don't get it.

Mother: Oh! Sorry.

Me: I just don't understand it.

Father: Your mother is regressing backwards 20 years because you used to sleep in late when you were younger.

Mother: You used to sleep in until 1:00 in the afternoon when you were a teenager!

Me: I don't do that anymore.......

Mother: You used to sleep in until 1pm.

Me: I don't do that anymore.

 

We will see if she jumps on my back about that next time I see her. I don't understand why she cares so much about something that doesn't matter. She needs to get off my back.

 

She also compared herself to me a few times and explained why she is not the same way or why she can't do the same thing. Some of the stuff she said sounded quite childish. I just sat there and didn't say anything.

[SpiralOut]

It just occurred to me that my mother can be manipulative. It's hard to explain, but she just is. She likes to give people "hints" and she likes to give unsolicited advice, some of which is very bad. Her advice is bad in the sense that is shows that she doesn't understand other people's feelings AT ALL. It really makes me wonder what her true intentions are.

 

 

Another thing. I totally see where, in my childhood, I got the idea that nothing I do is good enough. This example might sound insignificant, but....

 

on the phone this week, I mentioned that I've been eating baked potatoes. She couldn't believe it. She said " Oh. Really?? I never pictured you eating a baked potato before!" Umm. okay? She then went on to tell me what she thinks I should do with potatoes INSTEAD of baking them. She gave me all sorts of advice about how to cook potatoes.

 

I just said "yep" and "uh huh" to all of it. I was a bit baffled. I feel happy with my choices. I didn't want advice. None of the advice she gave me was any good. It doesn't work for my lifestyle. She doesn't get that. But for some reason she doesn't want me to eat baked potatoes anymore? Or something? I don't know.

 

She always does that. Whenever I mention something I'm doing or am planning to do, she'll give me advice about what I should do instead. As a little kid, I interpreted that as "your idea isn't as good as mine. Don't do that. Do what I say instead." As an adult, I can step back and see it as her way of trying to be nice or to connect. She wants to help me even though I don't need any, but okay. It's annoying, but I guess her intentions are good. I just need to be more firm with her next time. I should clearly state "thanks for your advice, but I'm actually really happy with my decision."

Edited June 27, 2014 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Never mind, I pretty much know what to do.

 

What I need to work on the most is myself. I have caught myself doing a few of her behaviours. It's not good. But at least I'm becoming aware of it so I can make changes.

Edited June 27, 2014 by SpiralOut

[turnera]

meh, the more you recognize in her, the easier it is to avoid it and ignore it.

 

Her giving you 'other' ways to eat potatoes is a way to invalidate you. YOUR choices for potatoes couldn't possibly be as good as HER ways, don't you know...

 

You're getting stronger.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

Why don't you stop being around her? If she's that horrible, just cut her off. You have some serious mother issues... You're old enough to do your own thing in life, life is too short to be around someone who makes you so unhappy.

 

Is there anything you like about her?

 

I've had to cut people out of my life. It hurt but I did it. My father, my sister, my twin brother. I didn't like the way they treated me, I stopped seeing them; problem solved. Just because you had the misfortune to be born into that family, doesn't mean you have to drag them along in your life just because they're related to you.

[SpiralOut]

meh, the more you recognize in her, the easier it is to avoid it and ignore it.

 

Her giving you 'other' ways to eat potatoes is a way to invalidate you. YOUR choices for potatoes couldn't possibly be as good as HER ways, don't you know...

 

You're getting stronger.

 

Yeah I guess it's a good sign that I felt flabbergasted instead of insulted. I just don't understand why she wants me to eat potatoes her way? It's such a small thing. Why can't she just let me have something that's mine? I've always held this vague feeling that most of my activities and things aren't mine, they are hers.

 

I think that I did the right thing in getting some distance from her and giving myself what I need. Seems like growing up most of my stuff came from her. I was never "allowed" (for lack of a better term) to form my own identity.

 

It is hard to feel angry when I see that she doesn't know what she's doing. I don't think she gets it.

 

Why don't you stop being around her? If she's that horrible, just cut her off. You have some serious mother issues... You're old enough to do your own thing in life, life is too short to be around someone who makes you so unhappy.

 

Is there anything you like about her?

 

I've had to cut people out of my life. It hurt but I did it. My father, my sister, my twin brother. I didn't like the way they treated me, I stopped seeing them; problem solved. Just because you had the misfortune to be born into that family, doesn't mean you have to drag them along in your life just because they're related to you.

 

I think it is more important for me to come to terms with who she is and learn how to deal with her, which I can't do if I cut her off. While I totally understand why other people choose to cut out family members, I don't think that's the right thing for me to do.

 

She does have good qualities. She completed her teaching degree while raising us, then when she couldn't get a full-time position right away she kept applying and didn't give up until she got one. It took her years. She is persistent and determined.

 

She's not a bad person at heart; she's a very messed up woman who took things out on me.I don't think she understands what she even did. The only way for me to get through my anger and undo the damage she caused is by learning to feel compassion for her. She did many things that weren't right. At the same time, I don't think she chooses to be this way. If she had any idea of the way that she has invalidated me and hurt me over the years, I think that she would be horrified. Unfortunately, she's not likely to ever admit to it. I don't think she can handle the truth.

 

I will never have the type of relationship that I want with her. She's not capable of it. But I feel sorry for her and I don't want her to have a daughter who hates her, nor do I want to be hateful.

[SpiralOut]

I have thought about it some more and decided that she must be competing with me inside her head. It's the only thing that makes sense.

[spiderowl]

I can imagine how it makes you feel. I know that asking things about treatment for illness and suchlike is something a mother is likely to do. Mothers are concerned for your health and up until you are independent, they've had to take on such duties - taking you to doc and so forth, trying to make sure you get the best treatment by the best doctors. But, I get the feeling you don't think that is why she is asking, so it bothers you.

 

Given your mum's focus on whether associates are male or female and her worry about pregnancy, this could be coming from some issue she had in the past or a terrible fear of hers about assault, pregnancy, abortion or childbirth. It's causing her to focus on this. It isn't pleasant though because the underlying message heard might be that you are not to be trusted with men. Her fear might be that men are untrustworthy and she may have experienced something that caused her to feel this way.

 

Have you tried asking her why she asks the sex of your associates?

 

The other incidents where she has apparently lied seem more worrying, if you are sure they are not due to misunderstandings. I think you are right to draw lines about what you'll tell her, but understanding why certain things bug her might help you too.

Edited July 3, 2014 by spiderowl

[SpiralOut]

 

Have you tried asking her why she asks the sex of your associates?

 

The other incidents where she has apparently lied seem more worrying, if you are sure they are not due to misunderstandings. I think you are right to draw lines about what you'll tell her, but understanding why certain things bug her might help you too.

 

Yes I have. She told me she was "just making small talk."

 

I don't think she knows why she does things. I don't think I'm likely to get a straight, honest answer from her unless I poke and probe and interrogate her until it comes out. I think she has repressed practically everything.

 

I find it difficult to accept that my mother is still very much a child emotionally. It makes me feel sad and angry and (bad as this sounds), a little embarrassed. I've held much resentment towards her for the way she has ignored my feelings and tried to make me feel small. I had no mother growing up, emotionally speaking. She shared other people's secrets with me - as if I were her mother or her best friend - and it left me with nobody I could trust. Even at a young age I knew that I could not trust her. That said, for those reasons, I find it difficult to try and understand her feelings. She sure as hell never did that for me.

 

Thank god I woke up. I feel like I've spent my life in this drug-induced stupor where her behaviour was normal to me and I had no clue that she was dumping her own problems onto me.

[Theory816]

You are an adult and need to be treated like so. But because you let her cross so many boundaries before, its only natural that she crosses them more so now. In the end shes your mom and she cares for you. Either ignore the bad things she says or call her out on it when you feel she is definitely wrong. You don't want to end up arguing with her making you look like an a$$ also. People who deserve respect gives respect. A parent is someone who you cannot just outright ignore even though sometimes it feels like you want to because of the way they hurt you. But they are somebody that problems should be worked out with. Because if they pass away you will be burden with guilt.

Edited July 8, 2014 by Theory816

[Theory816]

I found this really good poem that I thought would be appropriate here.

 

RATIONAL JACK

 

Dear Mom,

 

I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something for a while now. I don’t know how else to start so let me just cut right to the chase:

 

I hate so many things about you Mom. I really do. I hate the fact that you feel entitled to criticize everyone in your life because they have chosen a different path from you. I hate your intolerance. I hate your inability to control your anger. I hate feeling sorry for you. I hate it when you do your best to make me feel guilty about the decisions I have made in my life and the kind of person I want to be. I hate it when you scream and yell things that are intended to hurt me. I hate your hypocrisy.

 

All my life, I’ve been walking on eggshells. I’ve been patient. I’ve swallowed insults. I’ve apologized unnecessarily in order to assuage your insecurities. I’ve spoken quietly, even as a crescendo of screams and accusations rained down on me and other people I love.

 

But no longer. From now on you will respect my opinions and decisions. You will talk to me in a calm, rational manner. You will accept me for who I am.

 

You will do all of these things or you will lose your only son.

 

 

 

IRRATIONAL JACK

 

Dear Mom,

 

**** you, you manipulative, angry bitch!

 

You think just because you are my mother you are entitled to TREAT me like ****? Let me let you in on a little secret you LONELY, pathetic excuse for a human being…you are NOTHING. Let me repeat that: YOU. ARE. NOTHING! The saddest/funniest thing is that you have only yourself to blame. All your screaming and yelling, all your self-righteous bitterness, all your indignant intolerance has driven away your entire family. Including your only son.

 

Tell me? Does the thought that I will soon be traveling all over the world with nothing but the clothes on my back confuse you? Does the fact that I no longer give a **** about money, status or expensive “things” make you go bat ****? If so, GOOD. That makes me happy.

 

I have only one thing left to say to you:

 

Go **** yourself.

[SpiralOut]

I think that she might have tried to insult me last night. I'm not totally sure.

 

We were on the phone. We always discuss neutral topics like food and cooking. I mentioned some of the things I've done this summer, like grown my own basil and tomatoes and then made bruschetta with it. I do lots of other things like that.

 

Her: Well, aren't you just a little Suzy Homemaker!

Me: I try.

Her: .......

 

I still can't always tell when she's trying to throw a jab at me. I think that might have been one. If so, it sure didn't work. Lol.

[TigerLilly78]

Op I can relate my own mother was quite a trouble maker in our small family she was verbally mentally and at times when I was a kid physically abusive so I can def relate to being disrespected. Its not right but another thing I can tell you is no matter how bossy she was when shes gone you will miss her.

 

Mines gone 3 years now and what I wouldn't give to talk to her one more time I moved far away as well to distance myself from it all and while I was gone she passed away suddenly. I never got that chance to really try to repair the relationship as adults.

 

So don't talk to her if you must but just remember the people in our lives can be gone in a heartbeat and you do not get a second chance at that point...

[turnera]

My mom did that. She loved me like crazy, but she couldn't help saying things like 'oh, you're going to wear THAT to the party.' Thud.

 

The best defense is to agree with her. Takes the wind out of her sails. Yep! You're right, mom, I AM Suzy Homemaker now, and damn proud of it! Thanks for noticing. If you do it enough, she might melt and start to see she can let go of that need.

[SpiralOut]

I will try doing that more.

 

I still resent her.

[turnera]

Took me 40 years to stop resenting. It's just something that comes with age and experience.

[SpiralOut]

I'll be attending a family event in two weeks. It is my mother's side of the family. Last time I saw them was about 9 years ago. That was the time I walked in on my mother gossiping to them about my sex life. I told her that I had heard what she'd said about me. Then I sat down with them and read the paper as if nothing was wrong. She did not apologize. Nobody said anything. They felt uncomfortable and I knew it. I WANTED them to feel uncomfortable. I sat there in order to force them to stop talking about me. No way in hell was I going to walk away and allow her to continue on with that bull****.

 

What the hell sort of mother gossips about her 21 year old daughters sex life? That's extremely immature. She was acting like a teenager talking **** about the class slut, except that I'm not even that. What an idiot.

 

So anyway I am nervous about this family event. I fully expect her to say something rude about me, either right in front of me or while I am out of the room. She'll just go off on her "jealous teenager" mode and talk **** about her own daughter to everyone, I bet you anything.

 

If I catch her doing anything like that I will call her out in front of everyone.

[SpiralOut]

My mother is a jealous woman. She talks **** about young women all the time. There are a few she will praise. She will tell me how much she admires them. The remaining 90%, she will make nice little remarks about their jobs and how poorly she thinks they are living their lives. She talks badly about my childhood friends, her friends children, my cousins. Oh and of course ME!!

 

What a miserable woman she is.

 

I'm nervous about seeing her this weekend. If I catch her talking crap about me again I don't know what I'll do. I will most likely confront her.

[SpiralOut]

She acted fine with me this weekend. Maybe because she was too busy complaining about my cousin's wife.

 

 

I finally ended up saying to her

"you're treating her like she's an idiot," and

"the attitude that you have towards her is coming across."

 

 

Surprisingly, she didn't seem too mad at me for saying that.

 

 

This morning I made the mistake of trying to share something about my life with her. She took everything I said and made a statement about herself in response. I ignored everything she said and continued on as if she were paying attention and acting interested. If she wants to make it about herself, she can do it by herself. I'm not helping her by paying attention to it. So we were both talking to each other but not having the same conversation. At the end of the conversation, she acted surprised at something I said.

 

 

me: "yeah so I got an A in that class."

her: " you did????"

 

 

Sigh. When will I learn to stop trying?

Edited August 24, 2014 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I am still mad at her for having her head up her ass. It's like she's not even engaged with reality. I would almost rather get an insult from her, since at least way she is interacting with me. When she sits there talking about herself the way that she does, I may as well go talk to the wall. She doesn't pay attention to anything I say, nor does she care, and if I were to call her out on it, she would deny it.

 

She really must have a disorder. I felt skeptical about that before, despite so many people telling me that. Now, I've seen enough evidence that I can say she's not all there.

 

She also has this obsession with catching "abnormal" children early. She's a teacher and that is her specialty. I've noticed she goes overboard. She sees everything as a sign. There were kids there and when she found out the two year old acts hyper a lot, she said that she hopes she doesn't have "problems" later on! My cousin looked at her for a long time before saying "I'm sure she'll grow out of it."

 

I'm also pissed off that she complained so much about our relative being a horrible mother (in her opinion) even though.... well, just look at the way she treated me in the past, and even now.

 

I don't know if seeing her is good for me. It leaves me feeling angry for days afterwards. On the other hand, it's good for me to see how she is so that I don't take things so personally. My god, you should have seen how she spoken to the younger (23 year old) woman there. She used a baby voice with her!!

 

Oh while I'm ranting I may as well mention that she stared at me with her mouth hanging open for no reason. All I did was say hello to my aunt, and my mother gaped at me as if I were a circus monkey who had just performed a trick. I ignored it completely, but I mean, really?

 

I'm pretty sure my mother thinks I'm retarded.

Edited August 28, 2014 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Thanksgiving is coming up.

 

 

I will have to try and strike a balance between not sharing too much of myself with her (since she makes everything about herself and doesn't truly care about what I say) while at the same time not just sitting there quietly.

 

 

My other family members all get to have a "turn" where they talk about what's new with them or what is going on at the moment. As soon as I try and say anything, my mother jumps into it, makes it about herself, pulls the conversation away from me. Several times she has outwardly complained about how "boring" she thinks my conversations are. She ruins every conversation. It always ends up with the three of us trying to politely correct her, stand up for me, and basically make her shut up.

 

 

I really wish that I could act like myself in my family and not worry about her randomly out of nowhere telling a nasty story about me or saying something rude. That's fine if she's not interested in something, but why does she have to act so childish about it?

 

 

She doesn't even know what I do for a living, which is weird because she's obsessed with what type of job other people have. My aunt and cousin have shown more interest in my work than her. She ONLY knows what I do because they asked me to explain it, and she was sitting there. And she STILL interrupted me in order to blurt out her opinion.

 

 

She needs to shut up.

[Lovemesomehim]

Hope everything works out for you