I'm currently not speaking to my mother

[StarGazerGirl]

When you sign in click the "remember me" box and you shouldn't get bumped out during your post.

 

Thank you! That was very helpful.

[SpiralOut]

I went home for Easter weekend and had a good time. There were no incidents.

 

My mom and I have different ways of expressing our feelings. My way is by listening to people, being discreet, showing empathy, being someone they can talk to and trust. My mother's way is by picking up small gifts if something reminds her of me. Even though I wish I could talk to her on a deeper level, that's not going to happen, so I've decided to try and do things "her way" more often... I mean I seriously doubt that she notices all the listening I do. So I brought her a small gift, and she liked it. I did that back at thanksgiving also. I'm not sure if it is making a difference or not, but I figure it can't hurt to try and "speak her language" more often, if that makes any sense.

 

 

I realize what I've shared doesn't exactly relate much to the rest of the thread... I guess I've just been searching a long time for a candid, in-depth discussion on the topic and this one filled the need.

 

I'll jot down some things that are similar...

 

 

➳ Mom and Dad are still together

➳ Dad is an enabler

➳ I've always had a decent relationship with Dad despite now seeing him in a new light ( enabler ), that relationship is now strained.

➳ I've always been strong-willed and noticed 'something' was off in my family.

➳ I questioned, heavily, if I was on the autism spectrum as an attempt to understand myself better.

➳ My mom said once "that's why you are the way you are" which instilled in me the thought that 'I' was, somehow, wrong.

➳ I'm very quiet and introverted

➳ I push people away

➳ My mom uses triangulation against me with other family members

➳ I place a huge value on honesty in all forms

➳ I don't hate my mom and I want to find a way to have a healthy relationship with her.

➳ I'm open to see things from many angles ie. The power on Now♥, etc.

➳ I often perceive that others don't like me

➳ I love gardening, plants, growing food / nature - it's a passion

 

I, however, am not on my own. I dream of moving away from my family ( at least for a while ) and away from this huge city ( where I don't feel I belong ) and starting my own life in a small town with a Tiny House ( on a foundation, not on wheels ) of my own. But, I don't drive, I fear driving. I tried twice and I failed twice for my license.

 

I'm glad this thread has been helpful to you. I don't have much advice to give except don't give up. Therapy can take a while to start making a difference.

[turnera]

Love Languages are very important. For three decades, my husband gave me perfume, clothes, and jewelry - things that HE wanted to get. I gave him tools so he would fix up the house, which is what I wanted. Neither of us was happy with the gifts. When I finally learned about Love Languages, I started giving him clothes and cologne and jewelry, and he was in heaven. And our DD was old enough to pressure him to get me stuff she knew I wanted, like a BBQ grill or a weedeater. We've been much happier lately.

[SpiralOut]

I had a dream last night about my mother.

 

In the dream, my mother is telling me what she thinks I am doing wrong, that I don't know how to take care of myself, stuff like that. We are in our old house where I grew up. She goes downstairs and I follow her, yelling at her that she's a bitch. She ignores me as usual. Then I realize that yelling at her is a mistake. I find my father and tell him that I had just had a fight with my mother. I explain exactly what happened. I don't think he likes what I tell him, but he doesn't say anything. Then I find my mother. She is in her bedroom. I walk up to her and tell her that what she had said about me isn't true. I tell her why not. I then tell her that she's the one who can't do anything by herself because she has never been alone. I've lived alone for over 5 years and worked to support myself. She has never done that. I know what I'm doing, she doesn't. She doesn't say anything back, but she doesn't ignore me either. She listens. She looks shocked that I am saying these things. In this dream, I don't care how she reacts. It makes me feel better to just say it how it is. Then I wake up.

 

Upon waking, I realized a few things

 

1) While my mother would never bluntly tell me what she thinks I should do or what is wrong with me, the fact of the matter is that she hints at it. Over the years she talks to me (in a subtle way) as if I don't know how to look out for myself. This has always irritated me. Her words in the dream represent the message behind all of her hints and funny comments and her attitude/treatment of me.

 

2) Part of the problem has been my own silence. In the dream, I spoke up. In my real, waking life, I've been more outspoken. For example, my friend's husband made a sexist joke about her behind her back last weekend. I asked him "what makes you think I won't tell her what you said?" When she came back, I told her what he said right in front of him. He looked shocked. Lol. It was awesome. I've also spoken up more with my mother, as I've mentioned in previous posts. She got away with things because I kept it a secret. Speaking up gives me more power and control over a situation. Certain people are more likely to behave around me if they know I won't keep their crap a secret from everyone else.

 

3) I think the confrontation with my mother, in the dream, represents her voice/message that I have internalized. I'm yelling at the voice in my head, the one that tells me I'm not good enough.

 

Oh, and my parents came to visit last weekend. It went really well. If she made any jabs, I didn't notice them, or didn't take it personally. She ate a muffin I had made and acted surprised at how good it tasted. My father responded with "Well of course it tastes good! I knew that SpiralOut made them, so I knew they would taste good." I hadn't registered her comment as an insult, but I appreciated him standing up for me.

 

Overall I feel much better. I am still in therapy, mostly so I can deal with my anger issues. Some of the anger ties back to the way my mother treated me in childhood. I sometimes don't even know why I get angry about certain things; there must be more stuff that I've repressed. It will take me a while to work through it.

Edited May 29, 2016 by SpiralOut

[turnera]

Excellent progress. This is how change happens. Step by step. Dream by dream. Realization by realization. Speaking up by speaking up. I'm really proud of you.

[SpiralOut]

Thanks, turnera. I'm glad that you've been responding to this thread. It really helped me just knowing that someone gets it.

 

I just have one more update. I'm starting to appreciate my mother's better qualities. She will probably always frustrate me, but I know that she cares about me in her own way. We have a unique relationship. She actually started to follow my blog and regularly comment on it, which I think is bringing us a bit closer together. It probably helps that she has gotten into meditation and other things to help with her anxiety.

 

I think that my upbringing has helped me to feel compassion for other people. It might have messed me up, but it also made me who I am.

[Springsummer]

God...I don't speak with my mother either...from now on...again.

 

I envy some people who have a good relationship with their parents.

 

I just can't manage.

[turnera]

Thanks, turnera. I'm glad that you've been responding to this thread. It really helped me just knowing that someone gets it.

 

I just have one more update. I'm starting to appreciate my mother's better qualities. She will probably always frustrate me, but I know that she cares about me in her own way. We have a unique relationship. She actually started to follow my blog and regularly comment on it, which I think is bringing us a bit closer together. It probably helps that she has gotten into meditation and other things to help with her anxiety.

 

I think that my upbringing has helped me to feel compassion for other people. It might have messed me up, but it also made me who I am.

What a wonderful update! You're a good person who is learning as you go. I remember going through my 'enlightening' periods where I started to see things more clearly, from 40,000 feet above in the air, just like you're doing now. Good stuff. Seeing the different 'layers' of our parents is key, isn't it?