I'm currently not speaking to my mother

[Teacher121]

I had an uncle B too! He just recently passed, in march, but he was my dads oldest brother, was a judge, just a great man, loved him dearly!

 

I see a little more of you're perspective by your description of your family situation.

 

The difference with my brother was that my parents did not have money, and he cleaned their clocks with his wants. He wanted the job he has, he wanted the career and my parents did all they could to help him. So for me........it's difficult that he's so durn crappy to my parents when I watched him bleed them.

 

They wanted good for us both. They sacrificed for us both. It's hard to listen to him blubber about the fact that mom didn't cook or do laundry. She was busy working to provide all those things he demanded, and I mean demanded. I was there, I watched it.

 

In your uncles situation, if I had been forced to do something I didn't want to do, I would have excused myself politely and moved on as he did.

 

My brother spent every summer at interlochen which is an expensive music camp because he loved music. He eventually ended up in the arts doing lighting design with his masters from Yale. Traveled all over the world, and has money to BURN. My parents spent every penny on us, and my brother wouldn't help me move them here. He stated if he helped monetarily he would be paid back. My dad said fine, but he did hand him a stack, and I mean STACK of checks that he kept of money he had given him for years.....

 

All I know is that there are things I could be angry and bitter about, but I'm so grateful to still have my parents and to be able to see them now on a daily basis. It still hurts my mom that my brother is so hateful to them.

 

We had a knock down drag out last year over the move. He didn't talk to me until uncle B's funeral in march. He's on marriage #3 and I don't think it's going to well. My brother stated he was angry at my mom and dad because they didn't save more money for retirement. That's when I blew a fuse with him because I watched him drain them with all these things he HAD to have. I was a senior in college when he graduated from Yale. I went to his apt. In NYC and then to his place at Yale. I was dumb founded by what he had. I asked him how he could afford all this living and stuff........his response was.........ask for twice as much as you need then you get what you want. I could never be that way, too selfish.

 

He's my brother, I love him despite his flaws. He cut them out because he should have had different parents. He told me he's ashamed of them. How do you respond to that?

 

I just don't like to see people cut themselves off from family for any reason at all. My traditional comment is why can't we all just get along? I hope you tell mom how you're feeling, and just take a break from her for awhile. To me, there's just no replacement for mom!

[MuscleCarFan]

I'm sorry to hear that. I do realize that things could be worse.

 

She has stage 4 brain cancer and feels she has done NO WRONGS in her life. >_<

[pink_sugar]

She has stage 4 brain cancer and feels she has done NO WRONGS in her life. >_<

 

In regards to this, she disowned her own son after taking something the wrong way ON FACEBOOK. She was seriously obsessed with FB and even told us one time she uses it to "keep track of us" yet she hardly sees us in person dispite living 3 miles away. I mean to disown your child over something you didn't like on facebook is petty. I do blame it on the stepfather though since he is offended over the color of the sky.

[SpiralOut]

Teacher 121,

 

 

What.the.Hell?

 

Hi there, Spiral.

 

 

 

It seems in this case that it isn't just the boundary being crossed that is the issue. It seems as though no one cares about how it makes you feel that is the more important part.

 

You mother has a very personal agenda. The agenda itself and the feelings behind it are probably not the issue. You probably agree that getting pregnant early and without proper supports in place is not the best idea. You also realize that her fixation on this has next to nothing to do with her level if trust in you, although it really, really feels that way. You probably feel like she just has her fingers in everything and couldn't she just leave it the Hell alone.

 

She probably can't. Not easily, anyways. She's probably about that fixated on it. My mother gets like that too.

 

I really empathize with you not being validated for your feelings of being violated, and that's the more important piece here. If your mom would make an effort to curb it instead of defend her actions and questioning, you'd probably be able to feel okay about the relationship with her.

Exactly. I am upset that she can't acknowledge doing anything wrong. She doesn't make any effort to understand how I feel. She just doesn't want to hear it. I wish we could talk things through. I want to feel like she understands me, instead of just thinking to herself that she's the mother therefore she knows best.

 

Except for her meddling in the relationship with grandma. I would so spell out that she is not to lie on your behalf EVER. that's totally out of line.

Thank you for agreeing with me on that. I am now wondering how many other times she may have done that.

 

 

I think a lot of the posters here may not be able to see that she is nagging the **** out of you for no apparent reason. You didn't present it like that lol.

Yeah she does that. Trying to explain how much she nags me would take up pages and pages!

 

Some of the advice you've gotten in this thread is to ignore your own feelings and understand your mother's. You've probably been told that your whole life. Kind of like "don't worry be happy." Well that advice doesn't work. The guy who sang that song committed suicide even.

Yeah. That's what I was taught. When I was living at home between semesters from college she was really nasty to me. I was doing shiftwork, so wasn't home often. I tried to have dinner with them when possible. When I was able to, I would ask her to tell me when they're eating so I could join them. She would deliberately not tell me. They would eat without me. I don't think my father was aware of it otherwise he would have come and gotten me. He acts as a referree between us. Normally he takes her side but she was so nasty to me that summer with her sarcasm and comments to me that he had to actually defend me against her. I was defending myself already but of course she was ignoring me like usual. I never moved back home again after that even though she wanted me to. She was really pissed off at me too for deciding to never go back.

 

I would write your mother a very strong letter about feeling invalidated and how you don't want to hear her defend her actions about invalidating your feelings.

Yeah I should put that in there. This is going to be hard. But I'll do it.

 

 

 

My favorite part of this thread was "get over it."

That has to be the most useless phrase in human history.

And how, exactly, does one instantly do that?

Is there a "get over it in 5 minutes or less" manual online?

One's life-altering trauma is causing another some sort of inconvenience?

Should we tell holocaust survivors: come on! It was decades ago! Quit whining!

(not that I am saying your situation is ANYTHING compared to that, I am just illustrating that no one person's grief is on anyone else's timetable.)

 

Best of luck.

Thank you for saying that. I really don't like being told to get over something. It's the same thing as telling me my feelings don't matter so just shut up. Well, I'm not listening to that crap anymore. My feelings matter just as much as anyone else's.

[SpiralOut]

She has stage 4 brain cancer and feels she has done NO WRONGS in her life. >_<

 

In regards to this, she disowned her own son after taking something the wrong way ON FACEBOOK. She was seriously obsessed with FB and even told us one time she uses it to "keep track of us" yet she hardly sees us in person dispite living 3 miles away. I mean to disown your child over something you didn't like on facebook is petty. I do blame it on the stepfather though since he is offended over the color of the sky.

 

Umm....what?? I hope you were being facetious with your last sentence?

[MuscleCarFan]

 

 

 

Umm....what?? I hope you were being facetious with your last sentence?

 

He gets offended over the stupidest things hence why he and I never get along.

[SpiralOut]

He gets offended over the stupidest things hence why he and I never get along.

 

Ahh yes I have the pleasure of working with someone like that. It's irritating.

 

It sounds like he and your mother encourage each other with their bad habits.

Edited July 9, 2012 by SpiralOut

[wow04]

Spiral, I completely understand where you are coming from. I didn't talk to my mom for 2 years. I started talking to her again after my dad passed away. I learned that life is too short.

 

My mom butts into my business all the time. The thing is now I don't answer. I change the subject. She talks to my brothers about me all the time. It doesn't matter. That is who she is. When she starts to talk about my brothers to me I just say Mom, I don't want to hear it. It took about 5 years of me doing this before she stopped getting mad about it.

 

I know my mom loves me. I have learned to accept her the way she is. Only you can decide what is best for you.

[darkmoon]

your mom must realize that her "knowing best" as she says can only be true up to a point; qualified experts, in any subject that is, know best, anybody else who claims so much knowledge, as a default, can only be talking out of their ass or even enjoy sabotage - she's not a qualified expert!

 

if she is alienating you (not even trying to meet you half way) which she must know is painful process, then you are dealing with a hard-nosed person, mothers don't always like a pretty daughter, it happened to me and maybe happening to you now

[pink_sugar]

This is like my mom when I tell her I am an adult and don't want to hear her criticism of my clothes. She says that she cares about the way I dress because I'm her daughter and basically if she didn't care she wouldn't tell me, kind of crap.

[SpiralOut]

 

My mom butts into my business all the time. The thing is now I don't answer. I change the subject. She talks to my brothers about me all the time. It doesn't matter. That is who she is. When she starts to talk about my brothers to me I just say Mom, I don't want to hear it. It took about 5 years of me doing this before she stopped getting mad about it.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one. My mother gossips to me about my cousins (her sisters kids). It makes me wonder what she says to her sister about me and my brother. And why does she put them down anyway? Is this some screwed up competition between herself and her sister that she has in her head regarding whose kids are the best? I never used to imagine she did it but I am now realizing that members of my family probably know all sorts of things about me that is none of their business to know.

 

I have always instinctively kept certain things from her without knowing why. Now I know why: I don't trust her. I never completely have.

 

your mom must realize that her "knowing best" as she says can only be true up to a point; qualified experts, in any subject that is, know best, anybody else who claims so much knowledge, as a default, can only be talking out of their ass or even enjoy sabotage - she's not a qualified expert!

 

if she is alienating you (not even trying to meet you half way) which she must know is painful process, then you are dealing with a hard-nosed person, mothers don't always like a pretty daughter, it happened to me and maybe happening to you now

Now that you mention it, yes she has alienated me in the past. Not as much since I moved away. Are you suggesting she's jealous?

 

I don't want to talk to her on the phone. I don't want her calling me. Should I put that into my letter? I just can't stand the idea of it right now.

 

Next time I visit my hometown I'll be staying with a friend. I can't stay at my parent's place. And I'll be renting a car so I don't need anyone to pick me up from the bus station.

[SpiralOut]

And there's something weird going on between her and my father and my brother. I can't remember the details of this but my father is helping my brother financially. I'm pretty sure it was my mother who told me that. And she never said "we're helping him." It was "he's helping him." I think she went for a period of time without knowing about it. It actually sort of bothers me that she would tell me that anyway.

 

And she's made comments to me about how she would never get a divorce because it's too much work. The subject just came up randomly. It makes me wonder why she would say that. She must have been thinking about it. Why? Does this mean she's unhappy in her marriage but doesn't want to go through the trouble of ending it? That's the impression I get. Why the hell would she say something like that to me anyway?

 

Okay I need to stop posting in here. I'm getting upset.

 

I have a counselling appointment in two weeks. I'll probably hash out some of this when I'm there. That should be fun.

Edited July 10, 2012 by SpiralOut

[louise_23]

sigh.

 

i think you need to learn how to accept and move on. shes frustrating, yes. but there are alot worse parents out there that you couldve had instead.

 

they do seem like petty reasons to be annoyed but i can understand that small things all add up into one big problem.

 

have you tried calmy speaking to her IN PERSON about this? all you have to say is that you appreciate her concern but she must let you live your own life. thats it. it doesnt need to be an argument.

 

side note but you should never call your mother a bitch. she is annoying, yes. she is overbearing, yes. but you only have one of her and one day you will reflect on exactly what you said to her and every bad time the two of you ever had. and you will regret it so so much. i know i am preaching but you dont realise how true this is until its too late.

 

just make peace with her. its really not worth the aggrevation.

 

is it possible you have other things in your life that are stressing you out and mom is just the icing on the cake?

[SpiralOut]

 

have you tried calmy speaking to her IN PERSON about this? all you have to say is that you appreciate her concern but she must let you live your own life. thats it. it doesnt need to be an argument.

Yes I have tried that. She does not listen. That's the issue here, that she doesn't listen.

 

I am now writing her a letter to see if that will work.

 

just make peace with her. its really not worth the aggrevation.

 

is it possible you have other things in your life that are stressing you out and mom is just the icing on the cake?

 

Not really. I think I've just been standing up against so many people in my life lately that I finally clued in to the fact that my own mother is someone I need to stand up to also.

 

And for the record, I think the aggravation is well worth it. Just sitting back and putting up with something upsetting, without trying to do something, is a mistake that far too many women make.

[SpiralOut]

I want to delete this post but don't know how.

 

Anyway I'll update after I've written the letter. I'm very nervous about sending it.

Edited July 11, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I am on speaking terms with my mother again.

 

It is strained. But we talk. I didn't feel comfortable writing a letter so I didn't. It might be best to just have very firm boundaries in place from now on when I talk to her.

 

She came up with my dad to visit me this past weekend. She asked a few questions that were none of her business. I handled it well, I think. I gave her a hint and she would drop the subject.

 

I think part of the reason I was afraid of dealing with this is because of my past dealings with other people. Over the past few years so many people have been disrespectful to me. I responded assertively to those people and they didn't stop their behaviour. They didn't listen. Didn't change. Didn't understand. Didn't care. I'm not talking one or two people. I am talking many, many people. It honestly makes me feel exhausted with standing up to them and makes me wonder if I'm the one being unrealistic. I don't think so though because everyone else I've spoken to about different events have told me that I had every right to be upset.

 

But my mother is actually intelligent enough to understand social cues, unlike certain other people. She responds to me much better when I stay calm. Things still don't feel 100% fixed. I was cordial with her. Not very friendly. And I'm cutting back on how often I talk to her on the phone.

Edited August 2, 2012 by SpiralOut

[staples 29]

At OP, I know how you feel. I come from a culture where society thinks your parents own you. So you can't marry someone your parents don't approve of; do anything your parents don't like; dress how they think is appropriate; as long as you live under their roof. I live in a different country from my parents and I am now employed and almost self sufficient. Recently I have been thinking about it and I know I'll never be happy with the path my parents expect me to follow. Maybe I can fall into it but I just want to live in the present and explore different things. I am doing it now and I am happy but it weighs me down when I remember I could never be myself properly around my parents, especially my dad.

 

I have gotten to the point where if it comes down to it, I will choose myself over my parents (as it should be) and I almost want that time to pass already so I relieve myself of the impending anxiety. I feel horrible but I know I can deal with being estranged from my father as long as it is ok but it sucks to realise he doesn't actually know who I am. Sigh

[MuscleCarFan]

I tried to contact my mother today to ask how she is doing since she has brain cancer. No response to either my email or text message.

[pink_sugar]

I tried to contact my mother today to ask how she is doing since she has brain cancer. No response to either my email or text message.

 

His mom has been doing this off and on for YEARS! Makes it look like she wants to connect and then withdraw suddenly. Apparently disowned him over facebook comments nearly a year ago, but still sends out health update emails to him. So when he inquires how she is doing, she doesn't respond. She wants contact on her own terms only and it's always been that way. I've told him repeatedly to let her go and move on. They've never made an effort to be a part of his life (her and the stepfather) and never going to.

[Janesays]

The posts here where people insist she should just 'get over it' and 'you only have one mother' and 'you'll understand when you have children' REALLY REALLY drive me nuts.

 

Why can't people recognize that Mothers aren't infallible? Sometimes they CAN be wrong. And just because they popped a child out of their womb doesn't give them the free pass to treat that child any way they wish despite the damage it can cause.

 

Some Mothers are abusive. Physically. Sexually. And even EMOTIONALLY. People think as long as Mommy dearest isn't hitting you or raping you, she's just doing the best that she can! Well, emotional abuse is just as bad as the other two. In fact, it's often worse.

 

Not saying OP's mom is abusive. Only OP can answer that. What I'm saying is that it is totally damaging to take the stance that the woman is automatically right just because she's the Mother.

 

I dealt with that my whole life. My Mother set my hair on fire. My Mother stabbed me with a steak knife. My Mother would scream at me for hours into the wee hours of the night and if I started dozing off, she'd smack me awake so she could scream at me some more. My Mother starved me. My Mother made me eat my one vomit. My Mother is a BAD PERSON.

 

Yet....yet....MY WHOLE LIFE I've been dealing with people who automatically take her side because she's a MOM. And Lord knows, Mothers NEVER do the wrong thing. I can't even start to explain the abuse I've suffered at her hands without people cutting me off, saying, "Moms all do the best they can!"

 

BS!

 

I haven't spoke or seen that woman for 18 years and I'm constantly judged for not 'forgiving her.' Well, she hasn't apologized! She's the Mom! She knows best, right? Even when she was smashing plates over my hands because I didn't wash the dishes clean enough.

 

Sometimes Mother's are bad people and bad influences in our lives. They deserve to be cut out.

 

That's not OUR fault. It's THEIRS.

 

OP, if your Mom is making your life miserable, don't speak to her. And don't let a single person here shame you for it. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who make you feel bad about yourself. Family or no.

Edited August 24, 2012 by Janesays

[pink_sugar]

I wholeheartedly agree, Janesays. My husband and I have very toxic parents. My dad was acting like it's on my H's end to make amends with his mother who's never been there for him. Despite living a few miles away, she would only see him a few times out of the year for major holidays. That's it, not to mention she disowned him a few times over a dog and now over facebook posts. Now that she's had cancer, my dad thinks he should be flocking to her side. His stepfather is just as bad and goes along with the mother, never keeping my H informed on her health or anything. My H has tried and tried to have a relationship with her, only to be smacked in the face repeatedly. In my opinion, she deserves nothing from him now and he owes her nothing. If she wants to pass not trying to make amends with her son, she has to live with herself for it.

[It's Just Me]

The posts here where people insist she should just 'get over it' and 'you only have one mother' and 'you'll understand when you have children' REALLY REALLY drive me nuts.

 

Why can't people recognize that Mothers aren't infallible? Sometimes they CAN be wrong. And just because they popped a child out of their womb doesn't give them the free pass to treat that child any way they wish despite the damage it can cause.

 

Some Mothers are abusive. Physically. Sexually. And even EMOTIONALLY. People think as long as Mommy dearest isn't hitting you or raping you, she's just doing the best that she can! Well, emotional abuse is just as bad as the other two. In fact, it's often worse.

 

Not saying OP's mom is abusive. Only OP can answer that. What I'm saying is that it is totally damaging to take the stance that the woman is automatically right just because she's the Mother.

 

I dealt with that my whole life. My Mother set my hair on fire. My Mother stabbed me with a steak knife. My Mother would scream at me for hours into the wee hours of the night and if I started dozing off, she'd smack me awake so she could scream at me some more. My Mother starved me. My Mother made me eat my one vomit. My Mother is a BAD PERSON.

 

Yet....yet....MY WHOLE LIFE I've been dealing with people who automatically take her side because she's a MOM. And Lord knows, Mothers NEVER do the wrong thing. I can't even start to explain the abuse I've suffered at her hands without people cutting me off, saying, "Moms all do the best they can!"

 

BS!

 

I haven't spoke or seen that woman for 18 years and I'm constantly judged for not 'forgiving her.' Well, she hasn't apologized! She's the Mom! She knows best, right? Even when she was smashing plates over my hands because I didn't wash the dishes clean enough.

 

Sometimes Mother's are bad people and bad influences in our lives. They deserve to be cut out.

 

That's not OUR fault. It's THEIRS.

 

OP, if your Mom is making your life miserable, don't speak to her. And don't let a single person here shame you for it. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who make you feel bad about yourself. Family or no.

 

Amen to that, sister. I cut all contact with mine many years ago, when I realized that she was just a mean bitch (and not just to me). Shared DNA does not give anyone the automatic license to be forgiven for cruelty (emotional, or otherwise) under the protective umbrella of "I'm your mother and I'm doing the best that I can." Sorry, but you're actually a clueless loser with a drinking problem who thinks everything is about you, and it's the rest of the world that's facked up.

 

No longer my problem. And I am glad.

[bluegreen]

Hello,

 

I see your situation. I guess you should try a lot harder to be patient with your mother. No matter what she does, maybe she really is just worried for you. Calling her a bitch may hurt really bad. Just imagine the struggles she's been through when she conceived you, when she delivered you, and then when you came to this world. Try to be considerate to your mom. As you said she's getting older. You'll never know when are you going to be separated eternally.

 

 

 

Jessica White

15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

Join me on Facebook now!

 

 

 

OMG NOT ANOTHER ONE !!!

what is a matter with people like this are they deaf blind plain stupid

( sorry moderators ) do they think that if their world was nice pink and cozy that it just gasp ..... its not possible for everyone else s to be ?

 

People like this honestly make me howl if you can't find yourself in my shoes never have been in such a situation have no freaking clue how does it feel to be in one WHY are you even opening your mouth about it ?

 

 

Where is that banging on a wall smiley emotion when girl needs one ...

[SpiralOut]

Thanks bluegreen. I think it's a popular belief that being a mother automatically entitles you to being respected regardless of how much or how little respect you show to your own children. It's an entitlement issue.

 

I am going home for a few days next week. I am very nervous. I don't even really want to go, but I want to see a couple of my friends in town, and I want to see my dad whom I'm really close to.

 

My mother is worse when I visit them because I guess she thinks she can say whatever she wants when she's on her own turf. One of my friends has offered to let me stay with her. I'm not going to because I think doing that may worsen the relationship with my parents, but if things get bad I will go to her place.

 

The past few times I went home, my mother said something that really bothered me. It is a story she tells, over and over and over again. It's the story about how when I was younger, other adults were concerned about me. They were worried I had some sort of mental or social development problem, and they talked about me. But then they decided that nothing was wrong with me, I'm just different. At the end of the story my mother shrugs, as if she doesn't get it at all, and says "well I guess that's just the way you are."

 

It makes me feel like **** to hear her say that. My dad and brother will be sitting there and neither one of them says a single word whenever she does that.

 

Just thinking about it makes me feel really upset. I don't even want to visit. I haven't even bought my bus ticket home yet, nor have I told them that I'm coming up, because I am thinking of not going. Should I talk to her about this before I visit? I don't know. I'm sorry but it just seems wrong to me, to say something like that to your child. It felt like she was telling me "you act like a screwed up person but you aren't I guess."

 

[strongnrelaxed]

I am very lucky to have stumbled into this thread. I was looking for some perspective on my own situation and I found it.

 

My mother is not abusive, but she is needy. When I say that, I mean "desperately and pathologically insecure and self-centered" needy. She seems incapable of seeing anything other than her own feelings and perspectives for any longer than a few minutes at a time. It is a remarkable thing to watch.

 

She lived with me for five years after my father died. We set up a nice separate apartment in our house for her and she seemed very happy. But after a few months she started speaking to me as if I were her father. He was abusive with her from what she tells me. It just spiraled down hill from there.

 

She is a recovering alcoholic and drug (prescription pills) addict and wound up overdosing on pain pills in front of her grandchildren (all of them were over for the weekend) and the list of fun goes on.

 

Now she lives with my sister in NC and I refuse to speak to her. Not to punish her or be mean, I just don't have the juice to listen to her talk about herself incessantly. I paid my dues and now it is my sister's turn.

 

Both of my sisters have sent me nasty emails and creepy voicemails and I have ignored them too. I think they see their behavior as perfectly normal and I do not want another generation (my children) to be infected by this.

 

Thanks to the OP for putting this out there.