Cheating girlfriend - time to let her go?

[WittyName]

Hi All - I first want to thank all of you for the community you've created here. This is a much more helpful website than many of you probably realize. This is my first post here (been lurking for a couple months) - any advice would obviously be appreciated.

 

In the interest of time, I'm going to keep this as short as humanly possible. I've actually re-written this post a couple times now because it just keeps getting too long. In a nutshell, here's the story. Thank you for reading.

 

My girlfriend (Sarah) and started dating in high school and have been "together" for 10 years now. Things have been on and off a couple times, and our most recent break up has lasted over a full year with very little communication. There have been times when I've thought that I would never talk to her again. She has cheated on me in the past - something which took a long time to get over and tore me up inside. Recently I met someone else (Brooke) and we dated for 3-4 months. Everything was great, but whenever I was with her I was comparing her to my past relationship, and was just never content knowing Sarah was out there and it MAY still work out for us. So, the new relationship with Brooke ended up fizzling out and I tried things out with Sarah again, telling myself that if I didn't give it one more shot I would always wonder "what could have been" (cheesy I know). We got back together, after a LONG time apart, and things were great. Lines of communication were open, we talked about the cheating in the past, we opened up with each other on things we'd never discussed, and everything was perfect.

 

Until now. I've just found out (had a gut feeling and dug a little deeper) that she has cheated on me again, after only a couple weeks of being back together. I confronted her with this, packed up all her things, and told her to get out. So here's where it gets confusing. She responded completely differently than what I expected. She started sobbing uncontrollably and apologizing like crazy. She asked if there was ANYTHING she could do to have me take her back. She admitted she had a huge problem and needed help if she was ever going to be happy - something I've never heard her admit (and something she's denied for a long time). She offered to go to counseling with me and try to change into the person she wants to be - again, something she would have never agreed to in the past (this is a HUGE step for her as she’s terrified of counseling). This response was the polar opposite of the typical passive aggressive cheater’s response she had last time – turning everything around on me, making excuses, and basically talking herself into feeling better about what she’d done.

 

So now I'm sitting between a rock and a hard place. I'm still head over heels in love with Sarah - always have been and always will be. But, I also realize the significance of what she's done to me in the past, and know that pursuing anything with her in the future opens me up to another huge risk. On the other hand, I started talking to Brooke again, and realize I have some residual feelings there as well. I know I’ll never love Brooke like I’ve loved and still love Sarah, but she’s a much more stable person and has a lot more to offer a relationship. She’s honest, loving, caring, thoughtful, etc. – all the things I’d look for in a girl. However, there’s just not that inexplicable fire that is there when I see Sarah (even after 10 years). I’m not nearly as physically attracted to Brooke, and am not sure if this will change over time. It’s not fair of me to “test the waters” with her again, as she deserves much more than this, so I’m trying to decide which way to go. Do I go through the challenge of re-establishing a trusting relationship with Sarah, the girl that still makes me nervous when I see her after a night apart – knowing that I’m risking my happiness with a girl that MAY not love me back 10 years down the road? Or do I go with the logical choice – the girl that is honest, funny, and a perfect personality match for me, but doesn’t make my heart beat faster when I see her?

 

Thanks for any advice – I’m sorry for the long read.

 

Scott

[Smoov]

How many times does this girl need to break your heart before you realise that she does not have one ounce of respect for you ?

 

Do you honestly think that she could change after she has cheated on you several times ?...........WAKE UP !!!

 

 

Do I go through the challenge of re-establishing a trusting relationship with Sarah

 

LOL you have more chance of winning the lottery.

 

She started sobbing uncontrollably and apologizing like crazy. She asked if there was ANYTHING she could do to have me take her back. She admitted she had a huge problem and needed help if she was ever going to be happy - something I've never heard her admit (and something she's denied for a long time). She offered to go to counseling with me and try to change into the person she wants to be - again, something she would have never agreed to in the past (this is a HUGE step for her as she’s terrified of counseling). This response was the polar opposite of the typical passive aggressive cheater’s response she had last time – turning everything around on me, making excuses, and basically talking herself into feeling better about what she’d done.

 

You think that just because she makes a few admissions about her actions that its justification for you to take her back ? She should be apologising like crazy, that is the very least thing that she could do.

 

So now I'm sitting between a rock and a hard place

 

NO, quite the contrary, your decision about this situation should be quite clear cut. Let me put it into perspective for you:

 

This Sarah girl has cheated on you numerous times, it is blatantly obvious from her actions that she does not love you, nor does she have any respect for you, the only reason your so head over heels for her is because she is a challange, which is the most fundamental concept of attraction........you always want, what you can't have.

 

Maybe Brooke doesn't make your heart flutter everytime you see her, but atleast you can be assured that she has some amount of respect for you and actually cares about your feelings.

 

so in conclusion

 

WAKE UP !!!

 

Another shot with Sarah will only lead to further heartache...........mark my words

[dudesomewhere]

one of my presentyly favorite movies is Along Came Polly...have you seen it? No? Go watch it...good story to pass along here. If so did you not learn anything from it? (so go watch it )

 

A girl with the perfect personality is what should set your heart aflutter...but it seems you are into superficial stuff. Doesn't really sound like you love yourself all that much partner.

 

Seriously, the story in Along Came Polly should make it clear to many people

[WittyName]

Alright, alright - I'm awake . I hear you - loud and clear. Honestly, I'm not blind to any of this, and agree with everything you've said - I say the same thing to myself on a regular basis. The problem is that I really do believe she doesn't mean the things she's done. I don't think she's done it out of disrespect for me, rather I think she has a problem herself that she needs to deal with. In other words, I think she'd do this kind of thing to anyone she dated - it's not necessarily that she has no respect for me and doesn't care about me (and this isn't pride speaking - I'm man enough to admit rejection if that's the case). This isn't an excuse for her, and I realize how ridiculous this sounds that I'm trying to justify being cheated on twice. We've been through so much together, and I care so much about her, that I just have a hard time seeing her hurt, and know that without me there's little chance she'll ever change or be happy. It's such a hard situation to explain, but perspetives like yours are definitely the things I need to see - 3rd party advice is quite eye opening I must say.

 

You're probably right though - the chances of her coming around are slim - though it's still a chance. I guess this is what I'm holding on to. So am I really that far out of line? Is it truly hopeless and should I just move on? It's not necessarily only that it's a challenge. I'm sure this is part of it, but everything I've felt was there far before things turned bad. My feelings are not a product of the situation.

 

Again - thanks for the words.

[WittyName]

Originally posted by dudesomewhere

one of my presentyly favorite movies is Along Came Polly...have you seen it? No? Go watch it...good story to pass along here. If so did you not learn anything from it? (so go watch it )

 

A girl with the perfect personality is what should set your heart aflutter...but it seems you are into superficial stuff. Doesn't really sound like you love yourself all that much partner.

 

Seriously, the story in Along Came Polly should make it clear to many people

 

I haven't - but I will. Then again, if I was dating Jennifer Aniston, things would be much easier for me too . Just kidding - honestly, I'm really not into "superficial stuff." I know it sounds like that, and through a forum you have to go with what strikes you first from written words, but this isn't the case at all. In fact, Brooke is an incredibly beautiful woman - so much so that I have no idea what the hell she sees in me (obviously she's far from superficial as well ). It's something deeper about the attraction - I just don't feel the same way when I'm with her.

 

Honestly, 3 years ago, I didn't love myself at all. I was insecure, dependant, and in a bad place. This is probably the reason I took Sarah back in the first place. Today I'm a much stronger, confident, and level headed person. I realize I'm worth more than how Sarah's treated me, but also wonder if I swallow my pride again and fight through this, if it will be far more rewarding than any future relationship I may find myself a part of.

 

Thank you!

[Fritz]

We've been through so much together, and I care so much about her, that I just have a hard time seeing her hurt, and know that without me there's little chance she'll ever change or be happy.

 

Whoa.. what you been smoking bud? I want some. That sounds pretty arrogant, that you're her only hope in life. While you can help her change, she's the one that ultimately has to make that change, not you. The fact that you're worrying about what she might do 10 years down the road to me says you don't trust she'll change. If you think its worth the risk, go for it and help her and work on your relationship. Just go by her actions and not just her words though.

 

 

Of course, the old saying applies here: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[WittyName]

Originally posted by Fritz

Whoa.. what you been smoking bud? I want some. That sounds pretty arrogant, that you're her only hope in life. While you can help her change, she's the one that ultimately has to make that change, not you. The fact that you're worrying about what she might do 10 years down the road to me says you don't trust she'll change. If you think its worth the risk, go for it and help her and work on your relationship. Just go by her actions and not just her words though.

 

 

Of course, the old saying applies here: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Thanks for the reply. Sorry about that sentence - that didn't come out right and I didn't mean it like that at all. I'm sure she'll change eventually, as she'll have to if she ever wants anything other than one night stands. I just think it would be easier for her to do if she had someone by her side during the whole process. Without that, I fear she'll just continue to put it off and won't deal with it until the absolute last minute. I'm legitimately worried about her and want her to be happy too. Despite everything that's happened, there's still a lot of history there and I care about her happiness - that's all I was implying. Sorry for the misunderstanding - I guess I should read these a little better before hitting "submit" eh?

[Smoov]

The problem is that I really do believe she doesn't mean the things she's done. I don't think she's done it out of disrespect for me, rather I think she has a problem herself that she needs to deal with. In other words, I think she'd do this kind of thing to anyone she dated

 

She doesn't mean the things she's done ? If you truly believe this, you are in need of some professional help.....OF COURSE SHE MEANS IT, WHY WOULD SHE DO IT ?

 

For once you are right.....she does have a problem.......SO RECOGNISE IT AND MOVE ON !!!

 

If she would do this with anyone she's dated, then obviously you are just another guy to her.....nothing more.

 

it's not necessarily that she has no respect for me and doesn't care about me

 

Does contradiction come naturally to you ? IF SHE TRULY LOVED, CARED AND RESPECTED YOU SHE WOULDN'T CHEAT ON YOU..............IT REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE.

[Smoov]

We've been through so much together, and I care so much about her, that I just have a hard time seeing her hurt, and know that without me there's little chance she'll ever change or be happy.

 

Trust me if you're the one thing in life that truly makes her happy......she would be holding on to you for dear life and not CHEAT ON YOU !!!

 

If there is something in this world that makes her happy............sorry to break it, IT AIN'T YOU !!!

[Smoov]

Honestly, 3 years ago, I didn't love myself at all. I was insecure, dependant, and in a bad place. This is probably the reason I took Sarah back in the first place. Today I'm a much stronger, confident, and level headed person.

 

To be brutally honest with you, i don't think much has changed, if you truly were a stronger more condfident person, you would have had the balls to put sarah in her place.

 

I realize I'm worth more than how Sarah's treated me, but also wonder if I swallow my pride again and fight through this, if it will be far more rewarding than any future relationship I may find myself a part of.

 

Its not a matter of pride bud, its about self respect....something which you have ZERO of.

 

Another crack with Sarah will not be more rewarding, its quite the opposite. ANY relationship other than one with Sarah will be far more rewarding. This girl isn't going to change anytime soon and your kidding yourself if you think that you are going to be the one who is going to change her.

[untrusting]

if she loved you she wouldnt have cheated, she is not the girl for you. move on , you sound like a nice guy, there are gilrs out there that will treat you right and whom you will love in a diffferent and special way. she is not the be all end all. take a chance and you will be much happier, you have invested too much in someone who is merely addicted to you, its not love, you are her backup.

[neptoon]

Witty,

 

I came from a time where I went through a series of abusive relationships and some of them did involve partners who've cheated on me and I took them back. Since then, I learned a number of very important lessons that changed me as a person. What I'm about to say might sound harsh but I know from personal experience.

 

You're not passionate about Brooke right now because she does not reflect who you feel you are. You're attracted to the ones who will hurt you because you don't feel good about yourself.

 

Speaking as a woman, infidelity is a CHOICE. Her saying that she has a problem -- I know more women than I can count who use this as an excuse only when they've been found out. The cheating women laugh about it and share stories about the methods they use to lie to men when they're around each other (you know that saying about birds of the same feather?). I've heard countless conversations such as this one. Some women use it as a form of abuse and control when they feel they can dominate the man -- it makes women feel powerful to be able to bring down the guy's world.

 

I say she made a choice in being unfaithful because it was calculated -- it is not like pollen landing on a flower where she has no control over where the wind blows the pollen. She actively courted another man. She actively found the time to see him behind your back. This takes active effort. She actively concocted credible lies to tell you. All of these things take a lot of time and effort to plan and think about.

 

She claims that she's "lost control" of her own life, blaming it on a problem. As a woman, I see that men hit on me all the time and I KNOW how to keep them at bay and I know how to say NO. The truth is, her only "problem" is that she does accept responsibility for her actions. I don't care what she claims to be the root of her problems -- history of abuse, rape, etc. I don't care. We all encounter obstacles in our lives and we are adaptable creatures capable of overcoming those problems and becoming stronger. She chooses not to. She chooses to use excuses. I can tell you how the rest of her life is going to be: in middle age, she will become reliant on prescription medication to fix all her "problems" -- she fits exactly the profile of that demographic of women in society. F*ck that!

 

What a disgusting woman. Don't you dare believe a word of the BS coming out of Sarah's lying, rancid mouth.

 

There are approximately 3 billion women in the world. You do the math. Are you telling me that Sarah makes your self esteem so great that you believe that the only women in the world are the two before your eyes? Looks to me like Sarah is exploiting this because she picks up on your fear about being alone and figures she can do anything and you will never leave. Look at this -- everyone here is telling you the obvious and you're here defending this piece of garbage's "honor", saying how she made you feel so good? Exactly how did she make you feel good the first time she cheated on you? It nullifies the entire "good" experience with her because you know that she's very good at lying.

 

And how are you so sure that she'll change? I know many women like this who continue down this same path with a series of husbands and lovers.

 

Be alone for a while and grow some self-respect -- if you go running back to Brooke now, you will never gain that self-respect back because you're doing to Brooke what Sarah is doing to you.

 

And for godssake, cut Sarah off. Don't be friends with her, don't talk to her...nothing. As long as you speak to this woman, you will always be reduced to nothing -- in her eyes and in the eyes of the society around you. And if you ever think about marrying this woman -- everyone around you will know that she cheats on you. Stuff like this circulates in social circles like wildfire. No one will respect you for staying with her.

 

Only when you gain respect for yourself that the world around you can start respecting you.

[dudesomewhere]

that was awesome.

 

it takes a helluva woman to differentiate herself from that which she is not so that she doesn't defend her sex like that, at least not blindly . Man...that really did give me a rush reading that...woohaw

[WittyName]

Thanks for the replies, all. Honestly, I'm trying not to make excuses and am instead trying to keep an open mind and evaluate this as objectively as possible from an outside point of view, so I appreciate the advice. That's what I asked for in the first place, and I wouldn't ask if I couldn't handle all opinions from every side.

 

Neptoon, thank you for your response - I appreciate you taking the time to put your thoughts down for all of us to read. I'm sure many will benefit greatly from your words as I have. All of this has given me quite a bit to think about and your words, while indeed harsh, are not without reason.

 

This truly is a great community.

[HoldOn]

WittyName,

 

You asked for help in making a choice. You said that your choices are 1.) Sarah who cheated on you, but you're obsessed with or 2.) Brooke, who is a stable person, but you're not as attracted to.

 

I think you need to open your mind to more choices! How about 3.) Be alone and work on your self esteem until you realize that you deserve to be treated well. 4.) Find a girl who turns you on and is NOT totally crazy!

 

Actually, I think you should spend some time alone. In your free time, you can make a list of all the things that your perfect woman would have. Let me help you start:

1.) Good looks.

2.) Sanity.

3.) Fidelity.

 

See! It's not too hard.

[WittyName]

Thanks HoldOn,

 

Agreed - why I didn't even think about 3 and 4 I have no idea - I guess that shows my tunnel vision right now. When you put it like that, sure doesn't seem as hard as it really is !

[neptoon]

Sorry for being so harsh before, Witty -- people like Sarah really piss me off because I've encountered men who were like that -- men who've reduced me to nothing and made me forget my self worth. I could blame it on a lot of things (how my mother treated me during childhood, I got picked on and bullied when I was a kid, etc. ) but at the end of the day, it's my life and I could do with it as I choose. Do you know what it's like to hear words like "You'll never find anyone who'll treat me as good as I did"? There was a guy that kept me on the line for 4 years while he cheated on me over and over again. I stood for it because I believed I loved him and I compared several guys I dated after him to this guy. After that, I was with a series of men who used me and did similar things to me. One even threw me into a glass coffee table.

 

Then I stepped back. It was really difficult at first. I feared being alone for the rest of my life and I was only 22 then. Instead of revolving my life around them, I re-directed my focus to finding a good steady job, and learning more skills so I can get better jobs. When I started doing that, everyone around me began treating me differently. I began to make more money and became more emotionally and financially independent.

 

And then I met a man who absolutely took my breath away and he was nothing like the guy I would've sworn was the love of my life when I was 18. He changed my whole definition of what love was and it changed my definition of what I wanted in a partner. It was nothing like I would've ever even imagined when I was with the man who repeated cheated on me. It took me several years to repair the damage he did to me. I ran into him two years ago in a subway station on the way to work, after I had changed and he still tried to reel me back in, telling me I looked great. I just laughed and got on the subway and waved him goodbye as the subway pulled out of the station. It felt SO good to do that. It took about 5 years of not talking to that man at all to move on. It changed my life for the better.

 

I wish you to change your life for the better. It's not a matter of just changing your love life. It's a matter of changing yourself as a person.

 

I feel that Sarah is doing you a disservice because she is stopping you from finding love that's beyond words and makes you look at the universe with absolute wonder. You WILL find someone who will take your breath away only if you can move on now. She is exhibiting things that are characteristic of emotional and psychological abuse and you are experiencing a normal reaction to it...in more technical terms, it's called the "Stockholm Syndrome". Do not confuse this for love. We are stereotyped into thinking that only men can abuse women and the pop culture makes us think that the reverse cannot be true but women can also abuse men. This is an example of the type of abuse a woman can inflict on a man.

 

A man will beat a woman many times and she will always go back to him. He will cry and claim he has a "problem". She will go back and no matter how much he apologizes, he will hit her again and again. Battered women also think that they can change their partners. Sarah is abusing you emotionally and she will do it again and again. It follows the same pattern of behavior. Society often dismisses this as abuse because it's coming from a woman. But, in truth, it's no different than physical abuse that women face because it can have the same psychological outcome (Stockholm Syndrome).

 

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breaths away." Remember that...she is taking you from the moments that define what life and love are really about.

[Fritz]

Well said neptoon.

[HoldOn]

Hey, no problem, Witty.

 

That's why you're on this forum, so you can get an outside view of your problems.

 

Regardless, please stay strong...And think about staying single for a while.

[BOUDREAUX]

:( :( :( :( :o :confused:

 

I have the biggest problem with getting jelous when a guy says something to my girlfriend or like today my girlfriend got a phone call from some guy that she had met along time ago. Hey said hey baby whats up and she said hey i havent talked to you in a long time, well im with my boyfriend and we just left the mall. He said oh well why dont you come over to my house later after yall split, and she said no i dont think my boyfriend would like that very much. and yada yada. Anyways i got so mad that i just blew up and was just like blown away. I cant believe that some guys are so disrespectiful and then he would still say that after she said ''I just left the mall with my boyfriend.''

 

I really need some advice from girls and guys on how to deal with something like that and just jelousy period. I mean you know what to do to deal with it but why is it so hard?

 

Someody please help me out and give me some advice and if you have any problems i would love to help you out to. I have been through alot and have had alot of expierence in dating but not in a bad way.

 

PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS

PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS

PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS

PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS

[HoldOn]

You should really start a new post if you have a new question,,, but... I'll give you my two cents.

 

Man, you need to CALM down! Jeez. This guy doesn't even know you and he's just trying to push your buttons, and look how well it worked. He sure got a reaction out of you.

 

Also, I am sure this reaction is quite UNattractive to your girlfriend. She can't control what other people do around her. Guys are just jerks. Women have to deal with it every day with guys whistling etc...

 

You sound VERY VERY angry, I hope you would never hurt your girlfriend, because you sound a little off the wall.

 

Has your gf ever done anything to make you think that she would cheat on you? You need to constantly remind yourself that she has earned your trust and that she loves you. I have advised other people to have a mantra in their head to repeat when they feel insecure. like "My gf loves me, she would never hurt me and I trust her." Whatever you want it to be.

 

But most of all, I think you could use some professional help. I think you should see a therapist to talk about why you are so insecure and angry.