Should I feel guilty? Cheating or not?

[willemd]

Hi There,

 

My dilemma relates to online flirting. And im probably just being a paranoid person but I feel incredibly guilty for some reason. I started dating this girl that I was good friends with before. After about 1.5 months in, an old girl I used to date starting talking to me on AOL messenger. At first it was plutonic and then she started talking to me about her boyfriend troubles, and then soon she started hinting she had an interest in me. Keeping in mind the girl that I was dating, we were not a couple at the time and we had agreed on that. We also agreed that if did have serious feelings for someone else or if we thought something physical/sexual might happen with someone else that we would tell eachother before it happened.

 

I will admit that I did flirt/sexual remarks/innuendo's with this other girl, because we had dated before and I did have a slight interest, and we did talk about hanging out maybe in the summertime because we were both at different schools miles away and nothing could happen until then if it ever was going too. We flirted for a week and then the girl I was dating broke up with me because she clearly wanted a solid commitment from me. I told her that I understood why she broke up with me and that I do have feelings for her, but I just was not ready for a relationship at that time. Later the same day she wanted to get backtogether with me and agreed to just keep dating me. I agreed to hang out with the girl that I flirted with but I said only as friends. I went to her house strictly with plutonic intentions, we watched some comedy movies with her brother and a mutual friend of ours, I then proceeded to leave she tried to kiss me, I dodged the kiss because I knew in my head I didn't want to kiss anyone except the girl I was dating. After that I never saw the girl again, I knew I wanted to be with the girl I was dating. And we became a couple a week or so later.

 

That incident happened about 5 months ago, and I am totally in love with my girlfriend and my question is should I tell my girlfriend what happened? Also did I cheat? Should I feel guilty? Because it wasn't serious and nothing ever happened other than words on the computer and it happened while we weren't a couple. Things are perfect now and I don't wanna spoil them by bringing up the past. And my girlfriend is a jealous person so I imagine her reaction will be irrational.

 

Thanks for any help or advice!

[tattoomytoe]

why rock the boat when it is not needed? that is my view, and it was only the computer.

[Olivia_19742004]

You didn't do anything in my opinion. I don't think there is anything wrong with flirting when you're in a relationship. It's healthy to want some affirmation from other people that you're attractive/desirable.

[willemd]

Thanks!

 

Do you think I cheated though? or have reason to feel guilty?

I know what you mean I don't think I should say anything either... I'm just afraid if it ever did get back to her well she would overreact im sure.

[tattoomytoe]

no, i think you were flirting..plusss it was someone you had dated, so you could kinda get away with typing more to this chick.

 

it is up to you whether or not you wanna tell your girl, it sounds like it would only blow up in your face, so i would not if i were you.

 

and if you cannot get over this guilt...thn maybe tell her....it is really your xcall.

[willemd]

Yeah I don't think im going to say anything...but put yourself in my girlfriends position. If you found this out like 6 months after it happened that I flirted with some girl while we werent a couple and things are perfect now would you end things?

[Olivia_19742004]

If I were really immature and incapable of having a relationship as an adult I might be so inclined to end the relationship.

 

You weren't a couple and you only flirted! Good lord she doesn't own you body, mind, heart and soul!

[willemd]

Thanks you guys!

I'm very paranoid and even more so I guess in this situation because I don't wanna lose her to something so insignificant. I have one last question...to the girl I flirted with, do you think I should appologize to her, because in a way I did kinda lead her on? It's been 5 months, and well things are fine now, we've talked even about my present girlfriend and she invited me to her house parties, and talked in person and things seem normal. But there was never any formal closure to what happened, it just sorta dissolved. Should I appologize or just forget it?

[Olivia_19742004]

Flirting is not that serious. I flirt with my friends, my coworkers, my husband's friends. It's just flirting. It's a way of communicating. You didn't lead anyone on with flirting.

 

You're starting to sound as obsessive as you make your girlfriend sound. Relax. Ex. Telling someone they have a nice ass doesn't mean you're interested in anything more than seeing their nice ass.

[WittyName]

First, you did nothing wrong - as stated above, she doesn't own your thoughts too! My opinion is that by telling her you're making it seem like something, when most people would think nothing of that in the first place. In my experience, this opens up a can of worms over nothing that could have been avoided. Now, if something did happen, and you guys met, kissed, and continued to chat or whatever, then I'd think it may be something you need to admit. For now, I don't see any good that could come from telling her about it, and nothing wrong that you would need to "admit" in the first place.

 

Don't apologize to the other girl. People flirt every day - what fun would life be if no one smiled at each other, made comments, innuendos, etc? She's smart enough to know what's going on, and apologizing would, again, indicate you did something wrong - which you didn't. She probably thinks nothing of it and misses talking to you - that's about it. Apologizing may even make the situation worse - she may think you used her in some way if you feel guilty enough about it to apologize.

 

As far as I can tell - you're a happy man!

[Soon to be ex]

Lately, with all due respect to the 'correct forum' hopefullyso, I am at crosswords, ooops, roads. I care about my man, and to the point, even tho he is obsecively shy/quiet, which I have realized that is umm part of his personality I despise, no not really. He has suddenly again put his wall up and now wants to call it quits. Again, 100th time! Ok that cliche' of his is now no longer accepted but acknowledged by me anyways, I am exhausted by his ongoing dismay. I have responded now to the point that nothing will consume me more than 'this attitude'. Altho, realisticly, I am sooo eager to kiss and jump his bone! WTF! But on a constant basis, this attitude of his is soooo wearing that it breaks down, not the desire, but the appeal!

 

Now then I have moved closer to more ideal situations yet, I miss the touch and sincerety of the basic foundation of what my heart and yearning truly lead me to what I truly desire.

 

Just maybe ILL GET SOME peace too.

[Samson]

Good lord she doesn't own you body, mind, heart and soul!

 

Olivia, You mean they aren't married?

 

Willemd: Good thing your aren't married, because if you were, this thread would be filled with accusations that you had made a foul, and should be given the 10 yard penalty for having an "emotional affair."

 

Instead you are merely "flirting," which according to the married Olivia (my kinda of girl), is perfectly OK. She is, of course, correct. Adults should be able to have adult conversations without looking over our shoulders for the "moral Taliban."

[willemd]

Yeah I suppose it was just flirting I guess I just think it was more because the girl I was flirting with we used to date, and I guess we were both talking more openly and freely if you know what I mean.