pretty_petal Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 My longterm bf and i are in love (!) and have lead a very healthy and loving relationship. In my eyes he has always been perfect - until now. He got a knew computer game 2 months ago that could be played on the internet with loads of other people. I became aware that the game meant alot to him on occasions. For example: we would have just done something intimate and he would say 'wow now i really feel like killing some people on *game name*'. So off he would go to play his game. Then his friends got the game aswell so they all could play together. My bf has always phoned me more frequently than i phone him as he is less independent. So he would phone me and play his game. he would ignore me 80% of the time cos he was concentrating on the game or would be speaking to his friends over the internet as you can wen u play. so i was like why bother calling me? i mean if the game was more important than me... When i called him the conversation went as follows: Me: hey! Him: hey H: u alrite? M: yup, u? H: i'm good. i'm really sorry but i have to go cos the electromagnetic energy node (or woteva) is about to be taken. M: oh. ok. H: see you soon. bye --------- ok. why bother phoning him? i tried but his game was too important to speak to me. fine. Yesturday was his birthday. I couldn't see him all day so i felt terrible and called him as soon as i could. He answered the phone, i said happy birthday and he said 'i'm afraid i have to go. i'm watching a film'. seriously... the film was more important than me. he couldn't pause the film to speak to me - no way. he couldn't miss a few minutes for me - charming. I phoned him back later and the conversation was definately worth my while calling him. He came to the phone and said hey. but then he said 'i'm sorry but i'm going to have to get back to my friends' why were they not able to be alone for 5 minutes. thats all i wanted. 5 f***ing minutes. argh *breathe*. My mum said that maybe hes lost interest in me? Oh - and he nevers texts me any more. we always used to text good night or just randomly. he nevers texts back. i checked with him if he has money on his cell. and he said he does. why has he stopped contact? please help me with what to do. i'm going to talk with him when i see him saturday. but i'm not texting or phoning as i'm the only one making an effort. if he phones should i answer? Oh - and when i'm with him hes the sweetest person, still perfect. its just his new habits i can't stand. Please can i have some input in any form. Don't just read this and move on. petal x Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Have you tried playing the game with him? Maybe it's something you two can do together?? If not....have that talk with him and if he doesn't see anything wrong with it maybe you should consider ending the relationship and looking for someone who you've got more in common with. Either way Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pretty_petal Posted July 6, 2004 Author Share Posted July 6, 2004 ok i think u missed the point. i am unhappy at his reactions to me trying to talk with him. The way everything is more important than me. we have very much in common, he is my best friend and we have a wonderful relationship - this is the only problem and in 15 months we have never argued. thank you anyway, i don't intend to play this game, its just not me Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 He is clearly taking you for granted. If you want to save this relationship, NO CONTACT! DON'T CALL HIM! DON'T CALL HIM! DON'T CALL HIM! Even if his mom is in the hospital, DON'T CALL HIM!!!! Well, if his mom is in the hospital you can call but only if she's dying. DO YOU UNDERSTAND!? You may want to talk to him, but he clearly doesn't want to talk to you. You are making yourself too available. The only way to get his attention, is to not call. And no, don't answer the phone when he calls. If he's too busy to talk when YOU want to talk, then he just doesn't get to talk to you. Don't go over to his house either. Don't contact him for a week. You can answer the phone once in a while when he calls, but be sure to have something that you MUST do right that minute; "I'm watching a DVD, so I can't talk right now." or, "I'm in the middle of dinner, so I have to go." Don't say, "Lemme call you back" because then when you deliberately don't call back, he'll know it's revenge. Find something else to do. Find a favorite TV program that is "more important" than him. I'm suprised he hasn't dumped you yet. This is CLEARLY the first step to a break up. I always did the desperate calling thing, and got blown off, or no answer, then the guy suddenly became too busy to see me, then BAM, I can't reach him by phone, or at his house, or ANYTHING. After a day of desperate calling, I reach him, only to get dumped. I've dated some real pricks But when I met my husband, I'd had it with the things being more important than me crap. I told him to call me at 9 p.m. If he hadn't called by 9:05, I took my phone off the hook, and he didn't get to talk to me that night. I didn't want to be bothered before 9, because I had things to do....like enjoy watching the soap operas I'd taped earlier. You'd better believe that when he called at 9, I got his undivided attention. Once I fell in love with him, if he hadn't called by 9:05, I knew that he had fallen asleep (he had to be in to work by 3a.m.) so I'd call and let the phone ring 2 times. If I didn't get a call back in one minute, my phone went off the hook, and I'd usually have voice mails from him around 11. He bought me 3 doz red roses, because he hurt my feelings once. He wrote me love letters, telling me that he wished he hadn't fallen asleep so he'd get to talk to me. This same guy bought me a 1 1/2 carat engagement ring Playing hard to get works wonders. Even now that I'm married, if I sit and watch the movies he wants to watch, he doesn't treat me as good, as when I do my own thing. Just yesterday, he was watching Godfather, and I HATE crap like that. Rather than sit through it, so I could be with him, I went to another room, and read a magazine. He came to get me, and asked why I was in there, and I told him that I wasn't going to watch crap, so he changed the movie, so I'd spend time with HIM. You are a good girlfriend, and I'm a good wife. Sometimes, our men start taking us for granted, and when that happens, we have to find our own thing to do, so they will have to chase us! Your guy is running right now, because you are doing the chasing. If you turn and run, then he'll start chasing Our grandparents knew best: NEVER CALL THE GUY. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 alright so if you don't want to play this game since "it's not you" and you're not willing to try and do so just to be able to do something with him...maybe you should let him call you. If you say everything else is perfect then let me come and find you, sounds like he is kind of unavailable and yes maybe he has lost interest in you or else has forgotten how interesting you are compared to his game. If your relationship is good on every other level maybe you should discuss him taking time for his game a certain amount of time a day and a certain amount of time for you and him. I would make it clear you don't like the way he's putting you on the back burner just to play some video game that is a fantasy game where as you are an actual real life person needing his attention. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 I agree with Monday. If he's rude to you on the phone, you must stop calling him. Period. Let him call you and then be busy the for a few days when he does call. Let him wonder what you're doing, and who you're with etc. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Originally posted by HoldOn I agree with Monday. If he's rude to you on the phone, you must stop calling him. Period. Let him call you and then be busy the for a few days when he does call. Let him wonder what you're doing, and who you're with etc. Exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pretty_petal Posted July 7, 2004 Author Share Posted July 7, 2004 hey everybody, thanks for your help so far! I haven't made contact with him - even tho i wanted to. He didn't make contact at all yesturday but then this morning i got a message saying he loves me and he bought me a present. Still i didn't reply cos he never replys to my texts. I appreciate that he made the effort though. If he calls me i will do as you suggest and find something i HAVE to do right now. that made me smile for some reason! I don't want revenge or anything stupid. And i will talk to him in person about this issue as i don't want the relationship to end ..... just yet. joking - i never want it to. but he doesn't know that. i reckon it would scare him. argh sorry, sidetracked ok, he hasn't asked yet, but last weekend he said he wants to see me this coming weekend. Is this too soon to see him? should i be busy? cos i can't see him all next week. Thank you, petal x Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 Good work in not contacting him! I know it's hard! If he asks you to hang out this weekend.... Well, it's up to you. Why don't you make plans with one of your girlfriends for this weekend. If he asks you to do something, then you just won't be available. But make sure to tell him that you're so SORRY that you couldn't hang out. This guys needs some serious training! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pretty_petal Posted July 7, 2004 Author Share Posted July 7, 2004 heh ur telling me he needs training!! Seriously, we've been together 15 months and have seen each other most days except when we've been on holidays which have all been without each other. He has always called me. I rarely call him. I think he is taking me for granted too, i don't think he would hurt me on prupose. thank you x Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 OK, well, then maybe he just needs a refresher course on his training. He's probably just a good guy who is taking you for granted. The trick is to pull away a little, rather than try to smother him and find out why. Just let him alone for a couple days... Link to post Share on other sites
Author pretty_petal Posted July 7, 2004 Author Share Posted July 7, 2004 by 'heh ur telling me he needs training' i was agreeing with you completely - not being rude. sorry just realised that it could have been taken in a rude way. i was agreeing ... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 Oh good, I thought you were disagreeing about the training. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pretty_petal Posted July 8, 2004 Author Share Posted July 8, 2004 he phoned today but i was out so he left a message. he was saying he wanted to catch me on my lunch break. shows how much he knows - i wasn't even doing that thing today. Anyhow, he said he loves me so much n can't wait to see me. I miss him too. but before we get close again i'll tell him about being taken for granted. i think i will meet him, or should i? Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I personally don't think you should have a "talk" with him. I think you should let your actions speak for you. You've been dating him a while right? You could go out with him this weekend, but not spend the whole weekend with him. Make him set up a specific time to pick you up like a whole day in advance. And plan a real date. The trick is to get involved in your own life, stop calling him and put other things above him like he does to you! Only love those you love you. You can give him the exact same respect and love that he gives to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pretty_petal Posted July 8, 2004 Author Share Posted July 8, 2004 but that sounds like retalliation. i don't want to retaliate or treat him like he has me. i just want to say whats wrong so he stops doing it and we can get on again. If i don't say anything he will keep doing it - he probably won't get the hint i'm not talking to him - and this will hurt me. As of september i won't see he as often as i do now and so it could become more of an issue. i think its better to just say something along the lines of 'i wouldn't normally fuss, but seeing as i won't see you so often as of september i am gonna. I feel i am being taken for granted *give examples*'. hes very sensitive and hes quite into having conversations like that so it should be easy. should be... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 It's not retaliation, it's just treating people with the same respect that they treat you. But I see what you're saying. I guess a talk would be alright, but do it when he's in a good mood, not right before bed or right when he gets home or something. Keep it short and positive. "I'm feeling a little nervous because we'll be apart soon and I'm feeling that your game is more important than me." Make "I" statement instead of "you" statements and don't accuse him while you talk. I think this should work! You know, I have had a bf for 7 months and I hardly ever call him because I hate bad phone conversations. I wait for him to call me and the convos are always better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pretty_petal Posted July 8, 2004 Author Share Posted July 8, 2004 this not talking to him thing works wonders - he called and i answered not knowing it was him. so i kinda had to speak to him. But he kept saying how much he loves me and how hes missed me so much. he has bought me presents for when he sees me and is taking me out to eat - great results. i'll still speak to him bout it- and i'll keep that idea of 'I' not 'you' in my head - sounds a good idea!! thanks, you've helped alot! x Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I am so glad it's working! Guys need a little breathing space to realize how much they loooove you. Link to post Share on other sites
nips5050 Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 I just read all these posts and I have to say thanks....I'm dealing with the same thing and I appreciate your feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 You're getting him back, and you're going to give him a reason to retreat again ! If you ignore him, then finally go out with him, and tell him, "You're taking me for granted" he's going to say to himself, "OH, I GET IT! She was ignoring me, to get back at me. Who does she think she is? Forget her, I'm playing Playstation." NO NO NO. Let him realize it on his own. Men rarely get it. Heck, women rarely get it. I have a problem with my husband, and I'll talk to him about it until I'm blue in the face. He never gets it. So I start avoiding him, then suddenly ~he gets it~ You can't get through to men with talking...or at least all of the women that I know can't. You just have to leave them alone. He already knows that you are wanting time with him, he just doesn't care. It's easier for him to play plastation, and ignore your problems, then to acknowledge them, and work on it. So you have to pull away. By pulling away, you are silently saying, "I'm not taking this from you, either you quit taking me for granted, or I'll find something else to do." They think you're bluffing....until you don't call for an entire day. Then, he'll call you up, and you don't answer, and he gets scared. Then, he'll call you up, and you DO answer, and he GETS IT. He's going to stop taking you for granted, and everyone is happy. If you say it out loud though, he has to acknowledge that he needs you, otherwise, he wouldn't have come running. Let him think he's got you fooled. don't tell him. Side note: Once you get married, you'll realize that telling a man what hurts you doesn't work. I've told my husband over and over and over again the things he does that hurts me. He doesn't change...men don't change. You can look forward to your boyfriend doing this for the rest of the time you are with him. He'll withdrawl, so you'll withdrawl, and he'll come running, and you'll take him back. Men don't change. Talking to him isn't going to fix this, or make him stop it. It's subconcious, and he can't go around the rest of his life, saying to himself, "Am I ignoring petal?" "Am I taking petal for granted?" Talking to him about it isn't going to serve any purpose, except to make you come off as a whiny needy baby, and annoy him, and make you feel better, because this is all his fault. Just back off, like you have been doing, don't tell him what the problem is, and let him realize that he'd better be chasing you, because you're running. Actions speak louder than words in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pretty_petal Posted July 12, 2004 Author Share Posted July 12, 2004 ok i didn't talk to him in the end ... there was never a 'right' time to do it. Also i figured i'll just seem distant n mention it when he does it in future - rather than have a go n him not remember what he did wrong. Anyhow... new problem. This is crazy - i've been with this guy 15 months and we've never had a single problem. Now theres 2 in the space of two weeks. sorry guys - gonna vent a bit. On his bday - when he ignored me, i had sent him a text in the morning, he never replied. Then it turns out his ex gf text him too and he replied... and he put 'i hope i can see you soon x'. I asked him why he wanted to see her n why she was more important than me. he said 'because shes a friend of mine!? What the hell do u want to hear?' that hurt me for a start. n i can't see why he wants to meet this girl. oh and they talk about sex, she gives him sex tips and he talks to her about my very personal problems... which i share with him and him only. So i'm a bit screwed up about this whole thing. i personnaly think and ex is an ex for a reason - if he still wanted to be with her he would and not me... right? but why does he want to meet her??? He text me today n apologised for being rude. I'm still hurt he has these private conversations with her and privately wants to meet up with her. what is he missing from our relationship?? Maybe i'm being insanely jealous. I feel like small parts of me keep dieing. thanks... sorry i keep bothering you people, u have been very good to me!! petal x Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Monday is totally right. Prettypetal, sorry to hear that your bf is acting worse than I originally thought. Ex-gfs are icky. Especially if he talks to her and NOT to you. Follow Monday's advice and withdraw from this guy until he starts paying attention to you. Words don't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pretty_petal Posted July 13, 2004 Author Share Posted July 13, 2004 I don't want to talk to him after this. I'm actually angry he talks to her about so much n tells her he wants to see her soon whilst ignoring me completely. For once i am actually angry with him, and hurt... i cried myself to sleep last night, properly crying my eyes out. thats not like me at all. He is hurting me so much, still he doesn't bother to call or text - not that i'd speak to him. This weekend i know he'd like to see me but i'm organising to go out and see my friends, n not inviting him. He spends time with his friends afterall. But the problem with not seeing him is that i'm worried he'll say we aren't getting on, think i'm not trying hard enough and that i'm taking HIM for granted. He won't get why i'm ignoring him. Before i always thought i couldn't live without him and that we would never break up. but now, after the past few weeks i'm not sure i care either way. I love him and he *supposedly* loves me. We do get on great when we see one another and when we do actually talk on the phone we talk for hours, n i don't mean i talk at him. WE talk. So i wouldn't like to end 'us' cos of those times. but at the moment he hurts me so much and makes me cry - which is a big thing for me - and i could really live without that. argh. i'm so screwed up. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 pretty petal, I am sorry you are so sad. Sadly, you can only control your action and not his. If he cares about you, he'll worry why you're not paying attention to him. He won't get angry. If he gets angry, then he doesn't care that much about YOU. He just cares about himself and how you treat HIM. Don't worry about what he'll think. Please release yourself from this worry because: 1.) He isn't worried about his treatment of you. 2.) You deserve to have a good time. 3.) He doesn't own you, you have your own life. IMHO, this relationship is not going anywhere at the moment. You need a lot more care and attention than this. If he can't give it, please love yourself and don't accept his half-assed attempt at a relationship. I am so glad that you've got plans without him this weekend. Try to have fun! P.S. If he love you, he'll come to his senses after you ignore him for a while and beg for you to come back! Link to post Share on other sites
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