Stephen13 Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Please read my original post for the full story. My ex girlfriend broke up with me over a text message and all I have heard from her since was to exchange apartment keys. We dated for a year and we had planned a future together, I know she wanted to get married to me but I was hesitant to commit at this point in our lives (I'm still undergrad at Uni). I know this girl truly loved me while we were going out and we had great communication. Maybe that is why she decided to break up over text and went NC because she knows if we talked we could resolve the issues that caused our breakup. Any advice on what to do if she is ignoring me? I have already tried to apologize. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Backstory You've done your part. Let it go. No relationship ends well, absent those where one partner dies, but even those are full of grief. As another poster suggested, perhaps she has done you a favor. You're young. There will be many more potentials in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stephen13 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Share Posted July 8, 2012 Backstory You've done your part. Let it go. No relationship ends well, absent those where one partner dies, but even those are full of grief. As another poster suggested, perhaps she has done you a favor. You're young. There will be many more potentials in your life. Thanks. I realize of course that I can date others, but I know we had something special and so does she- we commented on it regularly. I just cannot imagine never hearing from her again after spending every day with her for over a year. Do you usually hear from them at some point? Link to post Share on other sites
Tree_Salmon Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Thanks. I realize of course that I can date others, but I know we had something special and so does she- we commented on it regularly. I just cannot imagine never hearing from her again after spending every day with her for over a year. Do you usually hear from them at some point? We all feel the same way about the "special one" we lost. But you cant force someone to care about you the way we cared about them. Pick up your balls and move on. The second you truly do she'll come back and try to get you. Hopefully you'll be smarter and let her go then. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Do you usually hear from them at some point? Depends; IME, having been married and LTR, the only person I've ever heard from post-ending has been my exW and that's generally when she wants a favor, couching it in a warm fuzzy blanket of something. So, healthy and equitable communication? This data point is a negative. And I like it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stephen13 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 We all feel the same way about the "special one" we lost. But you cant force someone to care about you the way we cared about them. Pick up your balls and move on. The second you truly do she'll come back and try to get you. Hopefully you'll be smarter and let her go then. So the advice is to move on and then when I do she will contact me? I have heard of this happening quite regularly. Anyone know why it is that only after we stop caring that they come back? Link to post Share on other sites
AlexanderJames Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Do you usually hear from them at some point? Will always be different depending on the person I assume. People say between 6 - 12 months for the dumper to contact the dumpee. I think this is because the fun and novelty of being single and partying wears off and the thought of revisiting a relationship that has already been built once before is a lot less scary than the thought of finding something new. It's been somewhat true for me. Of my big 3 heartaches heres the score: 1 year relationship - dumpee - heard from her at 5 months, then again at 4 years. 7 month relationship - dumpee - heard from her at 6 months, then again at 12 months, then again at 18 months 6 month relationship - dumper - I contacted her at 6 months. By contact I mean making an effort to get the dumpee back, and expressing regret for leaving and still having feelings etc. There was the occasional catch up chat and I miss you messages here and there in between all of that. So from my experience it looks like it's somewhat true.. In both dumpee and dumper circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I would give it a little bit of time, like a couple weeks, a month, and then try to set up a time to talk to her to get an answer to the "why". The why, but I wouldn't expect a reconciliation. I am not going to say just move along, but I would prepare myself for the worst and not the best, that could be a "second break up", a second blow, if she doesn't answer. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexanderJames Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I would give it a little bit of time, like a couple weeks, a month, and then try to set up a time to talk to her to get an answer to the "why". The why, but I wouldn't expect a reconciliation. I am not going to say just move along, but I would prepare myself for the worst and not the best, that could be a "second break up", a second blow, if she doesn't answer. Good advice, if you go seeking closure you have to mentally prepare yourself for hearing lots of things that you really dont want to hear. Expect the worst, because there's a good chance that's what you're going to get, especially at a few weeks to a month when feelings are still up in the air. Seeking closure is a good means to an end, leaving no questions unanswered does help to move on. But 9 times out of 10 it's a case of being hurt even more. But its that kick in the guts that's usually the push in the direction we need. I actually cannot stress how important that piece of advice is, from personal experience. My "Second break up" was infinitely worse than the initial breakup. It wasnt until I went seeking closure and put my heart on the line expecting the best and being served with the worst that I actually came and found this forum. The break up caused a bit of stress and lonliness. The second break up turned my world upside down and then tore it to shreds. Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Good advice, if you go seeking closure you have to mentally prepare yourself for hearing lots of things that you really dont want to hear. Expect the worst, because there's a good chance that's what you're going to get, especially at a few weeks to a month when feelings are still up in the air. Seeking closure is a good means to an end, leaving no questions unanswered does help to move on. But 9 times out of 10 it's a case of being hurt even more. But its that kick in the guts that's usually the push in the direction we need. I actually cannot stress how important that piece of advice is, from personal experience. My "Second break up" was infinitely worse than the initial breakup. It wasnt until I went seeking closure and put my heart on the line expecting the best and being served with the worst that I actually came and found this forum. The break up caused a bit of stress and lonliness. The second break up turned my world upside down and then tore it to shreds. Oh yeah, absolutely. Sometimes it's like we need to get a good kick in the arse to be able to move on. Or the pain draws us to more pain maybe, who knows? Usually I would say I know you're hurting right now but it will pass (it does), but there is something about his post that makes me want to say, try and get the answer. Weird I know. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexanderJames Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I'm with you on that one Samilia. After a meaningful relationship with such open communication and future plans it seems so out of place and out of character that it would come to such an abrupt end through just a txt message. Is it something you want to know? Perhaps not. But if it's something you NEED to know then I think you should give yourself some time to get prepared and give both of you space to settle your thoughts then bite the bullet and get the answers you seek. If you pursue closure I'd like to hear the outcome. And We're all here to support you regardless of what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stephen13 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 I'm with you on that one Samilia. After a meaningful relationship with such open communication and future plans it seems so out of place and out of character that it would come to such an abrupt end through just a txt message. Is it something you want to know? Perhaps not. But if it's something you NEED to know then I think you should give yourself some time to get prepared and give both of you space to settle your thoughts then bite the bullet and get the answers you seek. If you pursue closure I'd like to hear the outcome. And We're all here to support you regardless of what happens. I do want closure absolutely. I did yell at her and say that I didn't love her the night of the big fight, but to have no contact or communication with me since 2 months seems a little extreme. I plan on getting some closure by talking to her father about it since it was he who I insulted. I plan on apologizing to him and explaining my reasoning for saying what I did to his daughter. I hope he will at least respect me for having the courage to attempt this. Wish me luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I do want closure absolutely. I did yell at her and say that I didn't love her the night of the big fight, but to have no contact or communication with me since 2 months seems a little extreme. I plan on getting some closure by talking to her father about it since it was he who I insulted. I plan on apologizing to him and explaining my reasoning for saying what I did to his daughter. I hope he will at least respect me for having the courage to attempt this. Wish me luck. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tree_Salmon Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 So the advice is to move on and then when I do she will contact me? I have heard of this happening quite regularly. Anyone know why it is that only after we stop caring that they come back? Because they can smell it. Or maybe because time passes quickly when you're enjoying life and she realizes allot of time has passed without you making any attempt to contact her. It's one big mind game but no love can come of it. When you finally move on you wont care if she texts you or not. And this is true for "soul mates" and all. sometimes you just have to respect yourself enough to let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stephen13 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Because they can smell it. Or maybe because time passes quickly when you're enjoying life and she realizes allot of time has passed without you making any attempt to contact her. It's one big mind game but no love can come of it. When you finally move on you wont care if she texts you or not. And this is true for "soul mates" and all. sometimes you just have to respect yourself enough to let it go. I do hold out hope that she will come back but also I realize that I don't want to waste any more time pining for her. It has been two months and despite texting and emailing occasionally to let her know I care and miss her, I have heard nothing from her. I have wasted it in the sense that I have been waiting for her to contact me, but I have learned so much about myself and what I need to improve for my next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stephen13 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Will always be different depending on the person I assume. People say between 6 - 12 months for the dumper to contact the dumpee. I think this is because the fun and novelty of being single and partying wears off and the thought of revisiting a relationship that has already been built once before is a lot less scary than the thought of finding something new. It's been somewhat true for me. Of my big 3 heartaches heres the score: 1 year relationship - dumpee - heard from her at 5 months, then again at 4 years. 7 month relationship - dumpee - heard from her at 6 months, then again at 12 months, then again at 18 months 6 month relationship - dumper - I contacted her at 6 months. By contact I mean making an effort to get the dumpee back, and expressing regret for leaving and still having feelings etc. There was the occasional catch up chat and I miss you messages here and there in between all of that. So from my experience it looks like it's somewhat true.. In both dumpee and dumper circumstances. When you say you heard from them what do you mean? How did they initiate contact and what was said? Were they just breadcrumbs or did some genuinely want to try for reconciliation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stephen13 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Will always be different depending on the person I assume. People say between 6 - 12 months for the dumper to contact the dumpee. I think this is because the fun and novelty of being single and partying wears off and the thought of revisiting a relationship that has already been built once before is a lot less scary than the thought of finding something new. It's been somewhat true for me. Of my big 3 heartaches heres the score: 1 year relationship - dumpee - heard from her at 5 months, then again at 4 years. 7 month relationship - dumpee - heard from her at 6 months, then again at 12 months, then again at 18 months 6 month relationship - dumper - I contacted her at 6 months. By contact I mean making an effort to get the dumpee back, and expressing regret for leaving and still having feelings etc. There was the occasional catch up chat and I miss you messages here and there in between all of that. So from my experience it looks like it's somewhat true.. In both dumpee and dumper circumstances. So at each of these intervals-5 months, 6 months and 6 months the dumper expressed an interest in reconciliation? Or contact just as a means to talk? Link to post Share on other sites
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