No Contact for the Last Time

[UmbrellaBoy]

I've been dealing with a guy for over two years now. The problem is, three months after we met, although we were becoming really good friends and clicking really well...he started dating another friend of his. Part of it was just because our friendship was long distance, whereas this other friend was closer by.

 

Still, he and I carried on a sort of emotional affair which progressed to physical affection when I went to visit once last spring. That was unacceptable, I thought, to think he could have both like that, so I cut him off after that trip, and he came crawling back two weeks promising things would be different...but then he let his "official" lover move in a month later (apparently he couldn't put the breaks on that plan fast enough).

 

I blew up and cut him off again, of course, but realizing that this probably wasn't going to "trump" a live-in lover this time...I then made the (rash? bold?) move of packing up my things and moving to be near him in another country as a last ditch gesture.

 

We didn't talk for six weeks, but when I arrived, he initiated contact again and thus began a series of "negotiations" lasting three months that culminated in a final no-contact on my part that led to him finally dumping the other this past December.

 

However, in the months that followed their break-up, things got pretty messy. I knew I couldn't expect a relationship right away, that things were complicated by the ex, that it was all too emotionally compromised. There was a lot of bad blood, and the dust needed to settle.

 

So I waited. Lately, things have really felt like they were warming up again, this time with no complication of another relationship. However, this guy still would always pull away for awhile after seeing me if things were warming up, and blew hot and cold, sometimes seeming to be into spending more time with his bros than always giving it to me.

 

For a variety of reasons I felt it was now or never in terms of a commitment. The ex was out of the way definitively, things were warm between us, but he seemed content to continue in ambivalent ambiguity. So, I just stop texting, delete him from Facebook, etc etc.

 

The next day I get a message from a mutual friend on FB telling me that my guy contacted him, said he loved me, was sick and dizzy from being cut off, didn't know what to do, didn't want to lose me, felt empty without me...but he was just scared of commitment, basically, because he feels like after all this drama and all we've been through, the relationship would be so high-stakes. Our mutual friend basically told him, after talking with me, "Yeah, if you can't make a commitment, he wants nothing to do with you, you've been stringing him along."

 

I sent my guy a very curt message saying I'd heard his excuses before and please do NOT burden my friends by trying to talk "through" them like that. He texted back merely "ok," and that's the last I've heard of him.

 

We past each other on the street a couple days ago, however. I walked right past him, staring straight through him as if he didn't exist. He faltered as if he was going to say something, but I walked past.

 

I haven't heard from him, though mutual friends say he has posted some weird things on his facebook about the anxiety associated with important decisions and why it's so hard for him to make them.

 

It's one week today since I went no contact, and 6 days since I sent him that last message telling him not to go whining to my friends and try to talk "through" them.

 

I'm content with moving on. But it's also hard because I know he may come crawling back, and so I feel like part of me is still hoping or waiting or expecting. If it never happens, I'm sure that will fade gradually, and I'm fine with that. But I really don't know what to expect right now. I don't want to stir the pot anymore by, say, dropping off a box of all the things he gave me which could look like seeking attention.

 

I just don't know what to expect anymore.

[Alban]

I've been dealing with a guy for over two years now. The problem is, three months after we met, although we were becoming really good friends and clicking really well...he started dating another friend of his. Part of it was just because our friendship was long distance, whereas this other friend was closer by.

 

Still, he and I carried on a sort of emotional affair which progressed to physical affection when I went to visit once last spring. That was unacceptable, I thought, to think he could have both like that, so I cut him off after that trip, and he came crawling back two weeks promising things would be different...but then he let his "official" lover move in a month later (apparently he couldn't put the breaks on that plan fast enough).

 

I blew up and cut him off again, of course, but realizing that this probably wasn't going to "trump" a live-in lover this time...I then made the (rash? bold?) move of packing up my things and moving to be near him in another country as a last ditch gesture.

 

We didn't talk for six weeks, but when I arrived, he initiated contact again and thus began a series of "negotiations" lasting three months that culminated in a final no-contact on my part that led to him finally dumping the other this past December.

 

However, in the months that followed their break-up, things got pretty messy. I knew I couldn't expect a relationship right away, that things were complicated by the ex, that it was all too emotionally compromised. There was a lot of bad blood, and the dust needed to settle.

 

So I waited. Lately, things have really felt like they were warming up again, this time with no complication of another relationship. However, this guy still would always pull away for awhile after seeing me if things were warming up, and blew hot and cold, sometimes seeming to be into spending more time with his bros than always giving it to me.

 

For a variety of reasons I felt it was now or never in terms of a commitment. The ex was out of the way definitively, things were warm between us, but he seemed content to continue in ambivalent ambiguity. So, I just stop texting, delete him from Facebook, etc etc.

 

The next day I get a message from a mutual friend on FB telling me that my guy contacted him, said he loved me, was sick and dizzy from being cut off, didn't know what to do, didn't want to lose me, felt empty without me...but he was just scared of commitment, basically, because he feels like after all this drama and all we've been through, the relationship would be so high-stakes. Our mutual friend basically told him, after talking with me, "Yeah, if you can't make a commitment, he wants nothing to do with you, you've been stringing him along."

 

I sent my guy a very curt message saying I'd heard his excuses before and please do NOT burden my friends by trying to talk "through" them like that. He texted back merely "ok," and that's the last I've heard of him.

 

We past each other on the street a couple days ago, however. I walked right past him, staring straight through him as if he didn't exist. He faltered as if he was going to say something, but I walked past.

 

I haven't heard from him, though mutual friends say he has posted some weird things on his facebook about the anxiety associated with important decisions and why it's so hard for him to make them.

 

It's one week today since I went no contact, and 6 days since I sent him that last message telling him not to go whining to my friends and try to talk "through" them.

 

I'm content with moving on. But it's also hard because I know he may come crawling back, and so I feel like part of me is still hoping or waiting or expecting. If it never happens, I'm sure that will fade gradually, and I'm fine with that. But I really don't know what to expect right now. I don't want to stir the pot anymore by, say, dropping off a box of all the things he gave me which could look like seeking attention.

 

I just don't know what to expect anymore.

 

So you basically maked him to dumb his GF and after that just throwing him away ?

Wise decision I guess ..

[UmbrellaBoy]

Well, that's exactly it. It's like...he goes THAT far (a very difficult thing to do when the ex was live-in, remember) and then...chokes at the finish line and can't seem to bring himself to seal the deal with me?? No thanks. He's seriously confused and needs to figure out what he wants. You break up with someone for me, but then don't follow-through and actually, you know, start a relationship with me?? I understand needing some time after the break-up to heal and move on but...c'mon. That was 7 months ago now.

[stillafool]

I think he's still hung up on his ex who was living with him. If your friends were correct in him saying he loved you and all - why didn't he want a relationship with you? That part just doesn't add up.

[UmbrellaBoy]

Well, a bit of an update:

 

I've still been totally NC. It's almost two weeks, and seeing him on the street was a week ago.

 

He's continued talking to our mutual friend, who passed me this information about the night I passed him on the street (he apparently mentioned the incident too):

 

He said he had been hoping he would bump into me that night. Just...a feeling he had. Then, he even prayed to God to let him see me if we were meant to be together. Then it actually happened! He was shocked, and was about to run after me right then and there, but then was frozen by the look on my face, how I just walked by with contempt as if he didn't exist, and so he faltered in insecurity, and later tried to make the excuse to himself that the "sign" that he had asked for was just a coincidence (though, in the whole year I've lived here, we've never run into each other in public before).

 

Although oddly, I also was taking a walk at a similar time last night, and saw him again waiting at a light across the street. I think he saw me. But I kept walking. On my way back, we passed again, this time on opposite sides of the street, him again waiting for the light (did he double-back around to pass me again?) Again I think he saw me, but again I kept walking.

 

I just don't know what to make of it. He prays to see me if we're meant to be together, and then actually sees me! Furthermore, he said he prayed that even though he also said he was hoping we'd run into each other. Put together, don't those two things sort of imply that he was hoping for a "Yes" answer from the universe? And yet, when it happens, he crumples and still makes an excuse.

 

Nevertheless, it makes it sound like he still has major feelings and was/is at least considering coming around. But I just don't know why it's so difficult or how long it will take or if it will ultimately ever happen. I mean, if a clear "sign" doesn't convince him, what will?

Edited July 13, 2012 by UmbrellaBoy

[UmbrellaBoy]

Well, no contact was broken today.

 

The mutual "friend" who had been passing me some of the information about my guy...broke down in guilt today and confessed that because of his own jealousy and envy and resentment of me (he has/used to have feelings too for me) that he had been sort of...misrepresenting things between us. He had revealed only half-truths to me, and had said downright NASTY things to my guy about me, discouraging him from getting back in contact right when it seemed (based on the transcripts I was now provided) like he was getting really close to coming around and finally making a commitment.

 

I messaged my guy today telling him this, saying that there should be full disclosure, no operating under biased information, and no more talking "through" this untrustworthy mediator. I also said I wish I had heard some of the sweet things he said directly from him, and that I had no hard feelings.

 

Later we did get to texting more. Mainly about the untrustworthiness of this mutual friend, but he also slipped in a few "friendly" comments, and said he'd text me more tomorrow regarding what I had said about knowing everything now about what he said.

 

Of course, two and a half weeks have passed since he said it. Maybe since then, he's calmed down from the shock of the initial cut-off and is going to try to revoke or deny the feelings he confessed. I don't know. But I'm at peace with whatever now.