Lowered Expectations vs. Settling

[MissBee]

In another thread there is a discussion about APs negotiating early on whether or not the MP will leave the spouse and how that could be beneficial in not wasting time and lessening hurt and drama for the OW/OM especially.

 

One interesting response was from an OW who wanted the MM to leave, it was discussed, he couldn't, but says he will eventually do so. She says she doesn't believe it but as time goes by the hurt of that diminishes and lowered expectations mean less hurt.

 

I certainly understand that; however, what is the difference between lowered expectations and settling?

 

For former and current OW...did you ever get to a point where you simply realized no change would be made, so you just transformed your initial expectations and desires?

 

Did lowered expectations really amount in less pain for you or were you just unable to lower your expectations and the hurt so opted out?

[alexandria35]

Hmm...I'm not an OW but I think the lowered expectations thing can happen in any unhealthy relationship. I spent some years with an emotionally disturbed man and I'm amazed at how just how low I let the bar fall when it came to accepting bad behavior from him. He would go into crazy rages at me, scream at me and call me the foulest names, and it would happen over the most absurd stuff. Like I wasn't paying close enough attention when he was talking to me or I mentioned a past relationship. At first I was totally horrified that someone who claimed to care about me could actually be so hateful to me. He would also claim to be horrified and he would deliver heartfelt apologies and promise to never let it happen again. I walked out of the relationship a few times but I always came back and each time I came back with lower expectations. Over time I was a lot less horrified by his behavior and he was a lot less apologetic, finally telling me that this was just who he was and if I truly loved him I would accept all of him even his abusive nasty side.

 

Did my lowered expectations lessen the pain? I would have to say no although perhaps it did numb the pain somewhat. I guess lowering my expectations helped me accept the situation in the short term but in the long term it hurt my self esteem and cost me my self respect. Had I walked out on that relationship early on and stayed out I would have mourned the loss but I also would have been a lot less damaged. The fact that I stayed with this abusive man and allowed unacceptable things to happen added so many more layers to recovering, because not only did he hurt me and disrespect me, I did too. I participated in my own abuse by lowering my expectations and accepting it. This is a very hard thing to get over.

[Fitz]

I have less hope that Neo will leave his wife but in no way are my expectations lowered. I still want and ask for the same as always. I am merely more realistic and able to view the situation more clearly and understand how complicated it is.

 

No man has ever met my expectations on a partner like Neo. I never imagined there existed a man who so closely fit them as he does.

 

I haven't settled as settling would be living without Neo in my life. To me it is more important to be with the man I love than in what shape and form it is.

 

Really, I think this is about how you view life and what is important in life. The journey or the goal? The relationship or getting married?

 

Those who become bitter tend to focus on the end result rather than the relationship itself. Hence the talk about settling. They are not getting what they want: the goal.

 

How old are you and your MM? And his betrayed spouse?

[MissBee]

 

Really, I think this is about how you view life and what is important in life. The journey or the goal? The relationship or getting married?

 

Those who become bitter tend to focus on the end result rather than the relationship itself. Hence the talk about settling. They are not getting what they want: the goal.

 

How you view life and what is important is indeed reflective of the conflict you do or don't experience and how you feel about lowering your expectations.

 

However, I disagree about the concept of journeys and goals.

 

Not everyone wants to marry; I wasn't thinking about that in my A or any other relationship at the time. However, being in the A, I had to compromise a lot, that had nothing to do with the goal of marriage. What I wanted was an out in the open normal relationship and I had to forfeit that.It was mostly one-sided compromise...i.e me compromising, not him. He got to have life as he knew it and me...and I got to lower my expectations. Various large and small barriers because it was an A tarred the journey. It was impossible to simply enjoy "the journey" as the journey is a sum total of the whole reality of the situation. Although some have the ability to compartmentalize their own feelings and I have even seen people who only about 10% of the relationship is good, they cling to that 10% and ignore the 90%. That is a form of lowering expectations, enjoying only the good aspects of the journey; and perhaps some may see it as seeing the glass half (or 1/10th full lol). I see why someone would do it...but I'm not sure if I can agree that just because someone decides to do that, it's really a good thing to do and it's not settling.

 

I think we've already had a discussion on settling and at the time I didn't quite get what you considered to be the definition of settling. Not in your situation specifically, but if asked just generally, what the definition is, what would be the criteria for that? For me,and what I know it to mean, the things you say fit. However, I'm not clear on what you'd label settling or what check boxes need to be ticked in your definition.

 

I think one can have realistic and unrealistic expectations. I didn't and still don't believe that it is unrealistic to expect to have a relationship without a built-in glass ceiling.

 

I do see a difference between modifying unrealistic or outlandish expectations versus lowering your expectations, not because you realized they were unreasonable, but because someone else, not you, isn't budging on their stance. That is the main problem I have. The fact that often MM aren't the one doing any compromise. They have an OW willing to take them in ANY form and shape...yet surprisingly enough, they wouldn't do the same. You wanted him to leave, he didn't and wouldn't budge about it and you've expressed he probably never will...no matter what you want..so you had to be the one to change what you wanted and lower your expectations. Not him. That's what's off to me. I can't be in a relationship where I feel like if I want to be in it, I need to do the twisting and compromise because my partner won't. Their fears and desires to stay put are more important than mine, so I need to accept and lower my expectations to cater to their fears. Doesn't seem equitable at all and seems to seat that person in a position of power where they know that they never have to give up anything, as if they say they can't or won't, the other person will simply decide that it's alright and they have a lowered expectation now anyway.

Edited July 8, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I haven't changed what I wanted. I haven't lowered my expectations. I haven't stopped believing that he very well may get a divorce one day. I don't recognize what you are stating about me, so I would prefer you don't state things about my relationship but let me do it instead.

 

Settling is a personal experience. If you do not feel you settled, nobody else can say you did. If the other person was in your situation, it may very well have meant he/she would have settled, and therefore I believe people often mistakenly believe it means others settled because they are presuming what is true for them is true for others.

 

In your case there was a lot of one-sided compromise. I'm sorry for that. That is not true in my case.

 

Trinity I don't want this thread to be about you or your relationship. I don't care about your relationship in any personal way, except a general discussion is being had, that was sparked by something you said in reference to it, and since this is a forum, we are all free to comment on what people have made public. But so that it is clear:

 

You said you wanted this:

 

Both Neo and I made clear from the beginning where we stood. Him that his intention was to stay married and faithful, me that my intention was a regular relationship with no wife on the sidelines.

 

You said he couldn't do it:

 

Yes, I am an OW. Neo is my MM. I told him from the beginning I wanted him to make a decision and choose between his wife and I and he agreed to do so. Turns out it was harder than he thought to do so. He tried many times to choose his marriage but was unable to let me go. Now he chooses me but is unable to let the marriage go. I say "marriage" because being married to her includes so much more than just her being his wife.

 

You said you're not positive you believe he ever will and you've said it plenty of times. You also said you don't expect it anymore and the pain is less as you have less hope for that---the thing you originally wanted:

 

He says he will eventually leave her but not positive I believe that. I stay as long as the pleasure outweighs the pain. Actually the pain diminishes as the years go. Perhaps it is as easy as the less hope you have the less pain you suffer.

 

I can read and comprehend very well and haven't contrived anything out of thin air. If you choose to back track and say you didn't mean what you said...so be it...but the point is, I took it from what you actually said and not anything I made up. So if you do not recognize your own words...I have nothing to do with that and have not stated things about your relationship which you yourself didn't say.

[MissBee]

Perhaps another thread and discussion should be had on what compromises were made by the MP vs. the OP in the A.

 

As compromise in a healthy relationship is two-fold and the matter of lowered expectations seems to go hand in hand with compromise...but not mutual compromises it seems, but much one-sided compromise.

[Silly_Girl]

 

For former and current OW...did you ever get to a point where you simply realized no change would be made, so you just transformed your initial expectations and desires?

 

Did lowered expectations really amount in less pain for you or were you just unable to lower your expectations and the hurt so opted out?

 

I absolutely did not lower my expectations. In month 3-4 I knew it was something potentially life-changing and asked him to choose whether he wanted a future with me. He said he did but it was many more months before anything fundamentally changed. I hurt bad at times. Knowing I couldn't share him led to my issuing ultimatums and us breaking up (more than once) as a result. Even when I felt losing him would kill me I went that route because sharing him indefinitely drove me mental. And I had to 'share' less than most OW. They had no sex, no joint hobbies, no kidding on lips, no intimacy. He was all mine from the start, in that way, but I wanted 'the dream' and once we were together properly it was as amazing as I hoped and I felt vindicated for my demands

[MissBee]

I absolutely did not lower my expectations. In month 3-4 I knew it was something potentially life-changing and asked him to choose whether he wanted a future with me. He said he did but it was many more months before anything fundamentally changed. I hurt bad at times. Knowing I couldn't share him led to my issuing ultimatums and us breaking up (more than once) as a result. Even when I felt losing him would kill me I went that route because sharing him indefinitely drove me mental. And I had to 'share' less than most OW. They had no sex, no joint hobbies, no kidding on lips, no intimacy. He was all mine from the start, in that way, but I wanted 'the dream' and once we were together properly it was as amazing as I hoped and I felt vindicated for my demands

 

That's great. It seems like your guy compromised as well, so that you didn't have to end up simply altering what you wanted for his sake.

 

I resonate with the bolded. I didn't know of his status as taken initially and when I did find out, I was already attached and figured I couldn't stand to lose him and what we had, so sharing was better than nothing at all. That however couldn't last forever, as sharing drove me mental as well, and it was as I said, the feeling of a glass ceiling. Like you, certain logistics didn't make it as obvious that I was sharing, unlike in some situations, but like the glass ceiling, it's not obvious, but you feel there is some barrier and that feeling would always rear its head each time I tried to look on the bright side.

 

It also became obvious to me that he wasn't budging, so I had to walk or talk myself into a new desire.I tried to, but my inner truth barometer didn't allow me to be at peace at all. While your guy eventually took the plunge and valued you enough to do so...I knew had I waited for that day, I'd be a woman who accepted more and more (or less and less )..he on the other hand would be the major winner. Never giving in or giving up anything with me by his side smh.

[MissBee]

I agree that compromises in a healthy relationship are two-fold and am so happy that that is the case in my and Neo's relationship. I think a mistake often made is to consider all EMRs unhealthy and all marriages healthy. It depends on the individuals in them. I consider myself very lucky to have a partner like Neo. LadyGrey on the other hand, if I may use you as an example, seems to have been very unlucky in this sense. Was that true about you as well, MissBee? Did your xCM (I believe he was not married) not measure up to your expectations on a man? Would it have been settling if you had stayed with him regardless of whether or not he was committed to someone else?

 

Perhaps this is also key: Does the man meet your expectations or are you settling for a less than worthy man?

 

I don't think anyone considers all marriages healthy. However, I do think most EMRS are unhealthy, and those that aren't usually end soon and graduate to an out in the open scenario, as most well-adjusted people cannot carry on that way forever. EMRS, esp with one person who has psychological issues that prevent them from leaving, cannot be healthy...as obviously that person is in an A and a M because of their inability to psychologically cope. How can that be healthy? I don't think one can separate what it takes to lie and deceive and pretend for years and years or what keeps you stuck for years and years from the emotional health of the individuals in it and thus the relationship as a unit.

 

As for me, my dissatisfaction had nothing to do with my expectations of a man, he (at the time, not now) had what I wanted in a man, that's why I was with him. However, the relationship's barriers and nature was not what I wanted. I do not believe that just because a man is someone you're possibly compatible with, that you must date him at all cost, even when the situation is not the best. So at the time HE was what i wanted, but wouldn't suffer that situation for that sake.

 

Today, years later, I realize a man who chooses an EMR is not a man that has the qualities I want. A man who lies and deceives or who has psychological issues that prevent him from leaving, is not someone I would consider myself lucky to be with. That's just my standard. I felt at the time that my AP didn't have serious flaws, it was just "the situation". Now, I know he has serious flaws too hence the situation. So now he's not the kind of man I want and I was able to see that clearly with growth as my criteria for a man is a lot different now. I also believe love that is worthy of pursuing comes with the right circumstances or at least the willingness and effort of both people to make it right, like SG's guy did for example.

 

If I had stayed all those years I would have been settling. I was in another relationship after that that showed me what I was missing. My exAP could only do so because of the situation. With my new guy, first off that feeling of the elephant ion the room wasn't there. I was able to be around my new boyfriend's family and child, I could be at his house or he mine at any time of day or night, we would pop in and visit his mom on occasion when we were in the neighborhood, everyone in every situation knew about us, and I could plan a future. It was a lot more freeing and I felt a lot more loved and legitimate than with my exAP. There was more security. for example, if I got pregnant for some reason with my exAP's baby, that would have been such a dramatic and stressful situation because it was an A. However, with my regular bf, there was no such thought. I knew we had the room to grow and take it to that level if we wanted to...we didn't but the point was, knowing there was NO BARRIER should we decide that was incredibly freeing.

 

I'm most certain I can find a man who loves me, doesn't have anyone else on the sideline, doesn't have another life and who will have me as the Queen of his Castle and Heart. I had it before and it was worlds more fulfilling than the A dynamic. Anything less, anything that involves him or me lying or hiding or me lessening my pain by altering my perceptrion...I can't do it.

Edited July 8, 2012 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

Bolded above is key: compromising your own belief system. I believe, LadyGrey, we had a discussion about this during your relationship and I warned you about that. Compromising your own belief system is something you should avoid. It leads to no good.

 

MissBee, was that true for you as well? Did you compromise your own belief system?

 

The thing that you don't see, you HAVE compromised your position and you HAVE settled. You chose to stay with a MM who isn't ever leaving his wife. It's been 6-7 years. He is happily married, living life with wife and 5 kids.

 

It really is perspective. What one thinks is settling, someone else won't. Personally, I think you've changed your views on what YOU believe is settling and lowered your own bar to justify to yourself what you are doing isn't settling.

 

What happens if he tells you his wife is pregnant again? Never say never.

 

Would you stay? Would you end it?

[MissBee]

Did your xCM lie about his status initially? That says a lot. *shaking my head*

 

First thing Neo did was send me a photo of himself with his wife and all of his kids plus tell me he was "happily married".

 

Not sure how that is anymore noble...

 

A married man admitting he is happily married and sending pics of his wife and kids while cheating is not any better than one who doesn't. Frankly, as the OW, had he sent me a pic of his wife and kids that would have made me run the other way. Were he upfront about that from day one, I would have NEVER allowed myself to be involved. Not sure how anyone can have a pic of the man's wife and kids and then proceed with the A. That is disturbing to me...but each person has their deal breaker I suppose.

 

As for my AP, what happened was that when we initially met briefly he mentioned he had a gf. i was not interested in him and didn't know him well and that was that. I had no diea they had a child and it was a LTR. When he initially started talking to me more romantically, which happened some months latger when i kind of forgot about him, I assumed he must be single, as why else would he do that? Especially since he wasn't married, it was easier for me to assume his relationship ended, as bf/gf setups do. He made me none the wiser and I think he though I knew they hadn't broken up. He is still sneaky and a liar though.

 

MM who lie about their status or those who admit it are both problematic. Ow who know upfront and engage and those who didn't but stayed are also problematic, maybe one more than the other.

[whichwayisup]

She would have to be Virgin Mary. No sex and already post menopause.

 

I thought they had kids all under the ages of 14.

 

I'll give you the menopause one, but you cannot be 100 percent sure about the sex thing unless you have video recorders set up in their bedroom.

[whichwayisup]

By the way, he's not happily married and he does not have 5 kids. Please refrain from speaking of that which you do not know.

If he isn't happily married then why isn't he divorcing? People who are truly unhappy in their marriages, divorce. He chooses to stay married. All I have to go on is what you've said on previous threads since you don't create threads.

[whichwayisup]

I'll say it again: Please refrain from stating facts about anyone's relationship except your own. The risk is very high you got it wrong.

 

OK, done. Though you need to do the same too, when you offer advice and thoughts to other people youtend to say things that you claim to remember or assume about them. This goes both ways.

 

Anyway, sorry to thread jack, Miss Bee. I'll be good now..

[MissBee]

The thing that you don't see, you HAVE compromised your position and you HAVE settled. You chose to stay with a MM who isn't ever leaving his wife. It's been 6-7 years. He is happily married, living life with wife and 5 kids.

 

It really is perspective. What one thinks is settling, someone else won't. Personally, I think you've changed your views on what YOU believe is settling and lowered your own bar to justify to yourself what you are doing isn't settling.

What happens if he tells you his wife is pregnant again? Never say never.

 

Would you stay? Would you end it?

 

I agree. This is powerful. But I think one won't or is unable to see and admit it while doing it. Only on the other side is it possible to see.

 

I mentioned my friend who has been with a MM for 4 years. She wants to get married and have babies and wants him to divorce. Basically, it's been 4 years and he is no closer to divorce and you know what she has done, she has brought up being his 'second wife"...it would be hilarious were it not so sad. She never woke up wanting to be a second wife or an OW...yet she is in the situation, and because HE is NOT budging, she is the one contorting to now offer herself to polygamy. Mind you, he is not a polygamist lol, so this would be bigamy! I feel bad for her, as fto her, it seems logical and like a great compromise...but I and our other friends see that she has simply lowered the bar to this point of absurdity, so that she can have him at all cost.

 

The truth though is she is not that much in denial. She does say she isn't happy...but I think she tries to hold out hope and when she proposes such solutions it makes her feel better for a while. Last year, she said she wanted to be planning her wedding this year (which was a bit nuts since he wasn't any closer to be divorced last year, so I don't know why she thought that). This year is halfway gone and of course, no wedding is in the works. Now she pretends as if she never said this and she doesn't want it...but she does. She wants babies and the works and her MM is 20 years her senior, not divorcing and she's getting older too. I hope she stops bargaining eventually though.

[Mount]

LadyGrey, you are so right. Over the past 50 days Affair with my MM, during the first two weeks I was trying to convince myself that I choose to be his mistress so I was ok with having him so little time. Then during last few weeks, I CAN'T DO IT anymore. I am not saying I am a big shot, a queen...etc, but I was so unsatified with being a little thing of his.

 

In conclusion, I guess I am not a material of being OW.:confused::confused: I am pretty, size 0~2, not rich as Paris Hilton but financially comfortable, well educated, as much as I love him deeply, I just love myself more (sth from Sex and City...?). That is why I had to let him go. Glad so far he has not trying to contact me either, the MM is very intelligent as well (maybe too smart, which is also one of reasons I fell in love with him). So this time is the done deal.

 

I like the analogy you are using MissBee, (the glass ceiling). This particularly apply to affairs but so many times ow/om are in denial about that in the beginning.

 

I look back to the time when I knew I was the ow and one way that I tried to cope was lowering my expectations, pretending that I could handle it, denial about how much it was hurting me at times and denial about how wrong it all was. There were many key points in time that I should have walked and every time I didn't, it was another blow, so I compromised what I truly wanted with him and worse I compromised my own belief system while stupidly having faith in a man who did not deserve it and who illustrated by his non actions that he wasn't a man of his word. I recall there came a point where even his words didn't indicate that he would do what he had told me earlier that he would do (leave) and I just stuffed it down, denial, sticking my head in the sand.

 

 

I also have found that when someone knows you have lowered your expectations, they know that you don't think much of yourself and they will take full advantage of it.

[MissBee]

I cried for a week, thinking I could not have him. What I didn't realize was that this was rekindled love and that a force too strong to stop had already taken hold of our lives. If you have not experienced rekindled love, MissBee, and I doubt you have since I believe you are only 26?, you have no way of understanding how overwhelmingly powerful these emotions are. It was and is absolutely wonderful.

 

Trinity, lol, it's funny..you don't want anyone bringing up remembered facts about your situation, as they will get it wrong, yet, you feel free to bring up erroneous remembered "facts" about me.

 

Anyway, as I already stated, I believe that true love comes with the right circumstances OR the people will find a way to make it right. The end. I do not believe in some force that you have to succumb to at all cost just to have some man in any form or shape. That is perversion IMHO.I have heard of rekindled love...and these people rekindle by leaving their current unfulfilling scenarios and unite with their former lover to create a new life...not have a deceitful affair or where one person wants one thing, they can't give it so they simply make-do. Those are the stories that make people go awwwww how sweet! Rekindled secret As that go on for ages hardly ever elicit the same response.

 

If that is wonderful for you...then by all means. But for me, if I'm gonna believe in forces of love, I prefer to believe in the forces that make the lovers move mountains, not the forces that hide and resurrect ongoing EMRS.

Edited July 8, 2012 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

I usually share my own experience which unfortunately makes a lot of threads start to pivot around me.

 

Yet you assume and make comments on and about other people's situations too.

[whichwayisup]

I agree. This is powerful. But I think one won't or is unable to see and admit it while doing it. Only on the other side is it possible to see.

 

I mentioned my friend who has been with a MM for 4 years. She wants to get married and have babies and wants him to divorce. Basically, it's been 4 years and he is no closer to divorce and you know what she has done, she has brought up being his 'second wife"...it would be hilarious were it not so sad. She never woke up wanting to be a second wife or an OW...yet she is in the situation, and because HE is NOT budging, she is the one contorting to now offer herself to polygamy. Mind you, he is not a polygamist lol, so this would be bigamy! I feel bad for her, as fto her, it seems logical and like a great compromise...but I and our other friends see that she has simply lowered the bar to this point of absurdity, so that she can have him at all cost.

 

The truth though is she is not that much in denial. She does say she isn't happy...but I think she tries to hold out hope and when she proposes such solutions it makes her feel better for a while. Last year, she said she wanted to be planning her wedding this year (which was a bit nuts since he wasn't any closer to be divorced last year, so I don't know why she thought that). This year is halfway gone and of course, no wedding is in the works. Now she pretends as if she never said this and she doesn't want it...but she does. She wants babies and the works and her MM is 20 years her senior, not divorcing and she's getting older too. I hope she stops bargaining eventually though.

 

It's hard for people to see their own situations for what it is. When one is so close to it, they can't be objective.. Ha, that's why it's easier to give advice than to take it.

[MissBee]

LadyGrey, you are so right. Over the past 50 days Affair with my MM, during the first two weeks I was trying to convince myself that I choose to be his mistress so I was ok with having him so little time. Then during last few weeks, I CAN'T DO IT anymore. I am not saying I am a big shot, a queen...etc, but I was so unsatified with being a little thing of his.

 

In conclusion, I guess I am not a material of being OW.:confused::confused: I am pretty, size 0~2, not rich as Paris Hilton but financially comfortable, well educated, as much as I love him deeply, I just love myself more (sth from Sex and City...?). That is why I had to let him go. Glad so far he has not trying to contact me either, the MM is very intelligent as well (maybe too smart, which is also one of reasons I fell in love with him). So this time is the done deal.

 

Mount, I'm so proud of you...and why can't you be a Queen?? . I know I treat my man like a king and so have noooo guilt about expecting a man who treats me the same. You shouldn't either. You shouldn't talk yourself out of good treatment and having what you need and want. You shouldn't feel like asking for an out in the open relationship that you can build on is only for queens and the fortunate...it's for everyone! Every woman wants to be important to her man and feel like the Queen of his metaphorical castle.

 

I'm glad you love yourself more. i think it is a perverted love where one person allows the other to have all THEY want and what is convenient for THEM...but it is not reciprocated. You want a man who meets your needs and you his. Not where he kinda meets your needs and if not, you should just change your needs. Baloney!

 

Good luck to you in your healing

[whichwayisup]

but I was so unsatified with being a little thing of his.

 

Mount, you have a healthy attitude and it's good you see things for what it is. Feelings of love, feelings of care.. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter because the guy is married. It IS settling to have an affair with a married person, especially if you want more than what he has to offer. Good for you for finding your new pathway.

[MissBee]

Yet you assume and make comments on and about other people's situations too.

 

To act like people should never ever bring up anything you ever said before is silly. It's best we keep our feet out of our mouths. We're a community, for better or for worst, and though online and anonymous, overtime we've learned people's stories. Sometimes we may not have every detail right, but good thing we can always go back to their memorialized words and see it. To act like people should never recall facts about you is ludicrous...we ALL do it. We all have to build up some picture about someone and their situation from what they say. If you're gonna ask it not be done... the least you could do is not do it yourself. And if you also do it, then it's best we leave it alone and realize we all do it and not bother making scenes about asking others not to.

[MissBee]

I wasn't unlucky, I made some bad choices that set the wheel in motion because I assumed as so many ow do, that his temporary lack of values/morals was a one time thing and was particular to his situation. I believed what he told me, not knowing that he was a pathological liar.............BUT it still all comes back to me for taking that 1st step without heeding the yellow flags that were there in regards to him.

 

I love that distinction...luck versus choice.

 

It's a poignant distinction that comes into play a lot in relationship dealings.

[Mount]

Thanks. Maybe I just have too much ego :o:o . In conclusion I guess I am not a material for being OW, or mistress type of person.

 

 

Mount, you have a healthy attitude and it's good you see things for what it is. Feelings of love, feelings of care.. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter because the guy is married. It IS settling to have an affair with a married person, especially if you want more than what he has to offer. Good for you for finding your new pathway.

[beachbabe82]

I feel sad for so many OW who are still waiting and hoping . I knew for me I could never settle - and yep, I believe there are so many who settle, but will state that they aren't. I want him physically in my life, not at the other end of a computer or another continent away. Nope, for me it's in person. Who wants to live a life miles away from the one they claim to love? That isn't life - that's coexisting. Many OW with long distance affairs say they are the main one when in reality, since the Mm is still with the wide, she is the main one living life with him - experiencing a rainbow, a beautiful sunny day, watching a storm roll in, etc. that's life - that's living - to me.