whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Then I'll provide proof (unless you are lying in this post of course): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/298178-so-where-single-men#post3631265 So "early 20s" apparently. Not 26 then. Even younger. When I was that age I was out having fun, not spending my time telling middle-age women what's what. Wow, some things never change. Does it really matter who's right and wrong? You go so far to prove a point. Also, it's against the rules to dig into people's past threads and post them on current ongoing threads. You know this as I DO recall you getting quite upset when someone did this to you, so why do this to MissBee? Does it really matter to you what her exact age is? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBee Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 The reason your age was brought up was because I stated you were likely too young to have experienced rekindled love. Which was correct. Even at 100, if I experience rekindled love, I will not think it a great thing if it results in an A. THAT was my point. There are women your age and older who probably feel the same. Your relationship with your Mm from what I recall ended when you were teens...I have grown way beyond teen romance and have no desire or interest in rekindling with some guy I made googley eyes with in the 8th grade. Not in my twenties and worse yet not later. I believe all relationships that end, end for a reason and every old ex that popped up has shown me how true that is. It is not impossible or wrong to rekindle...however, my sign that it is right would be he is coming to me single and available with the right circumstances. If he comes with a picture of his wife and kids and says he is happily married, I personally don't believe he is my long lost love and thus I MUST be with him As I said, I only find the stories of rekindled love, where the couple come together, transparently and in the open as inspiring and not ones where they are rekindled, in an A and one has some psychological problem that prevents him from acting honorably. I vow, should I experience rekindled love, I will only pursue it in an honest and authentic way and not by way of EMR. I think that's a good rule of thumb that will save me drama and will allow me not to settle 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBee Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 I still can't understand why a young girl like you would spend so much time on LS years after having been the OW? And that's alright if you don't understand... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I still can't understand why a young girl like you would spend so much time on LS years after having been the OW? Lighten up and please stop taking shots at Miss Bee. You are purposely needling her now. Why did you come back to LS after claiming how much you hated this place and the people here? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBee Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 wrong post Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Well I'm in my forties, have quite a bit of relationship experience, and I think MissBee is right on the money with most of her posts. Sometimes I read one of her posts and find myself wanting to jump up and shout "Hallelujah! Can I get an AMEN!!" Haha...MissBee is great and she's so articulate for her age. So many times I see her saying exactly what I want to say only better than I can say it. Maybe MissBee participates here because she thinks she has something of value to share with the other posters here, and I think she does. Her age and her experience gives her more credibility in some cases. I share many of her views, but as someone who hasn't been an OW, I can easily be dismissed as not knowing what I'm talking about because I haven't personally had the experience of being in an affair. Other posters might dismiss me because I'm older and they think I'm just some close minded old fashioned woman or something. So MissBee can reach some posters where maybe others can't because she is young and she does speak from experience. And I've seen her help other posters get right to the heart of the matter when they didn't even really know themselves what they were trying to say or ask. Rock On MissBee! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBee Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 Well I'm in my forties, have quite a bit of relationship experience, and I think MissBee is right on the money with most of her posts. Sometimes I read one of her posts and find myself wanting to jump up and shout "Hallelujah! Can I get an AMEN!!" Haha...MissBee is great and she's so articulate for her age. So many times I see her saying exactly what I want to say only better than I can say it. Maybe MissBee participates here because she thinks she has something of value to share with the other posters here, and I think she does. Her age and her experience gives her more credibility in some cases. I share many of her views, but as someone who hasn't been an OW, I can easily be dismissed as not knowing what I'm talking about because I haven't personally had the experience of being in an affair. Other posters might dismiss me because I'm older and they think I'm just some close minded old fashioned woman or something. So MissBee can reach some posters where maybe others can't because she is young and she does speak from experience. And I've seen her help other posters get right to the heart of the matter when they didn't even really know themselves what they were trying to say or ask. Rock On MissBee! Thanks alexandria! I appreciate that and feel the very same about a lot of your posts:) I have said tens of times in different threads why I post and if anyone cares to know, then they'll see. Why another posts here is their business frankly. The only people one probably needs to question are those who claim to hate LS, see LS as this type of negative way or that type and always say they are never returning...yet ride the LS train day in and out. That is more curious I think. Anyway, your post is great. It's great that all ages, stages, writing styles and experiences are represented. I've always said that I know my posts aren't going to mean something to every single person, but who it's meant for, will read it and find value. Likewise, everyone's posts aren't meant for me, but those that were, I have always been drawn to the posts and they've helped me a great deal. I was on LS before and never came to this section at all...but obviously something shifted in my life that made me find a home here. I love LS and will continue to post so long as I'm growing and learning about myself and relationships. If I outgrow it then I'll no longer be here...until then...you'll be seeing me often 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Well while we are passing the compliments out, I'd like to say that you described much better than me how I feel about MissBee's posts too and.........I'd also like to say that when I read your posts, I think DAMN, she said what I was thinking much more eloquently than I. Aww..thanks LadyGrey, I'm a big fan of yours too ya know. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 ( not being an other woman, I hope it's okay if I share an observation) one of the ways of settling that I have seen on here that i always find very sad is when someone changes who they are , and not for the better,at a very fundamental level. You see people who say " i nevr thought i would be the other man/woman" and seem so very unhappy, yet they are willing to endure that unhappiness because it's what they must do in order to have "their love" in their lives... They no longer seem happy with who they are, when before the affair, they were... I have often wondered if any relationship is worth losing yourself for? ( I know, I know, there are some who think that my view doesn't apply to them...but it does to some) Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBee Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 ( not being an other woman, I hope it's okay if I share an observation) one of the ways of settling that I have seen on here that i always find very sad is when someone changes who they are , and not for the better,at a very fundamental level. You see people who say " i nevr thought i would be the other man/woman" and seem so very unhappy, yet they are willing to endure that unhappiness because it's what they must do in order to have "their love" in their lives... They no longer seem happy with who they are, when before the affair, they were... I have often wondered if any relationship is worth losing yourself for? ( I know, I know, there are some who think that my view doesn't apply to them...but it does to some) IMO, no. If my relationship isn't making me the best me, and this is also friendships and familial relations, then I have no use for it. I have had to distance myself from "friends" too because I realized I had to play roles I wasn't completely comfortable with. I can tell the difference between a good kind of stretching and challenging that a healthy versus unhealthy friendship brings. I've learned that recently with romantic relationships too. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Silly girl, you were able to turn it around and end up with him? How did this happen? Was it breaking up with him that made him chose? How long were you together? Ultimately the crunch happened when we had split up because he was not doing the things he had promised (moving in to the rented place he'd arranged, telling his wife it was over for good - she knew about me but was working on the premise he'd come to his senses) so I went away, licked my wounds and started casually dating someone else. It had been just over a year since we met. He moved out pretty much instantly at that point. However, I didn't go that route to elicit specific behaviour from him. I did what I did because it was best for me. I never viewed it as a tactic, it was simply me trying to get on with my life and move past the heartbreak. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I have a friend who I think is in the process of transitioning into the lower expectations mind set, unfortunately. It's a bit puzzling to me because she's always been very strong in relationship and never taken any BS before (to the point where I have often thought in the past that she was occasionally a bit harsh on her partners), but she has now been a side dish for quite some time and has faulted on a lot of her own 'deadlines' for walking out. While there has apparently been some movement (him told the wife he wants a D, has been looking for new place to live), there isn't much of real consequence, and they are still 'hiding'. It frustrates me that she has gradually 'climatised' to the situation. I guess the longer you're in it for, the more you feel you have to lose, or something? But at this point I just can't help feeling she's just enabling him to stay in that marriage - at the end of the day, he doesn't have to leave to also have her. It's painful to watch from the sidelines. Link to post Share on other sites
Ducky23 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I have a friend who I think is in the process of transitioning into the lower expectations mind set, unfortunately. It's a bit puzzling to me because she's always been very strong in relationship and never taken any BS before (to the point where I have often thought in the past that she was occasionally a bit harsh on her partners), but she has now been a side dish for quite some time and has faulted on a lot of her own 'deadlines' for walking out. While there has apparently been some movement (him told the wife he wants a D, has been looking for new place to live), there isn't much of real consequence, and they are still 'hiding'. It frustrates me that she has gradually 'climatised' to the situation. I guess the longer you're in it for, the more you feel you have to lose, or something? But at this point I just can't help feeling she's just enabling him to stay in that marriage - at the end of the day, he doesn't have to leave to also have her. It's painful to watch from the sidelines. I would like to, very first, thank you for this post. You said she was, before, very strong in relationships and didn't take any BS. That was me. I always had the upper hand in all relationships. Yes, even up to perhaps harshness in some situations, because I was never wiling to roll over and play dead. But after finding this forum I've realized that this is not my first time being the OW. when I was 14, I fell in love with a man who was 36 at the time. And HARD! he was the center of my existence after I lost my first love, and even though there could be nothing between us at that point because of the horrible age difference, when I turned 18 we did, in fact, become involved. He was my mentor from a young age and he continues to be someone I go to in search of advice. He always knew me better than I knew myself and he taught me a lot. But I was an OW with him as well. For about a year and a half, I was his "main" girl, he's been with me through all of my pregnancies and he was at one point my best friend. He's now in his 40's, he has changed his views on life and relationships. And he has asked me to come back to be another OW in his string of women, and I have told him quite frankly "no". He always said he wouldn't be with me because he would hurt me. We were never in a true R of any sort, but it was physical and emotional on both our parts. I acclimated to the situation over years and never thought I'd be willing to have a "sidepiece" of my own, but he did indeed become that for me as well. In my A with MM, I found I also became acclimated to the situation in baby steps. He didn't make me feel submissive in the same way the Other Guy ^^^ up there did, but I did find that I had a deep respect and love for him. Which made me want to submit. To do whatever it was that made him happy, to be the OW because he asked me to stick around and "wait it out". A recent conversation with my old mentor made me realize that I always was, indeed, a power seeker. I never let a man/woman have an upper hand in a R because that was MY spot. I was willing to compromise in some areas as long as it didn't "hurt"(?) my standing in the R. At some point I learned about compromise and did a 180. I became completely submissive and let go of my ego for the betterment of the men I was "serving". Because they were stronger than me, I found myself in awe of them, and I felt humbled to be accepted by them on such a "deep" level. I would do anything to keep that status up. Because of who they were and who I felt I was. Perhaps this is the case for your friend? Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) ...but I did find that I had a deep respect and love for him. Which made me want to submit. To do whatever it was that made him happy... Exactly, I think this is precisely when the sh** hits the fan for many people, both in and out of affair situations. It's a dangerous place to be, where you somehow lose the capacity to reality check. Perhaps this is the case for your friend? Interesting perspective you had there. I really don't know. I'm not quite sure what he is offering that is so special to her. She has previously had three-four long term relationships that seemed very stable at the time, without a whole lot of drama. She later went through a long FWB phase, where she seemed to be quite on top of things (in the sense that she never got emotionally involved, and it was men, rather than her, who did the classic fall for your FWB mistake). I'm going to ask her and test out your perspective Edited July 9, 2012 by denise_xo Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Ultimately the crunch happened when we had split up because he was not doing the things he had promised (moving in to the rented place he'd arranged, telling his wife it was over for good - she knew about me but was working on the premise he'd come to his senses) so I went away, licked my wounds and started casually dating someone else. It had been just over a year since we met. He moved out pretty much instantly at that point. However, I didn't go that route to elicit specific behaviour from him. I did what I did because it was best for me. I never viewed it as a tactic, it was simply me trying to get on with my life and move past the heartbreak. I definitely did not end it to try and win him. I ended it for similar reasons to you. It was unhealthy and destroying me. Hence the anger/love mix. But of course if breaking up does happen to bring us together, I'd be thrilled. But the affair is over. Forever. No matter what. Thanks for sharing your story. :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 To avoid a number of suspensions from a thread gone sideways, I'm going to close it and remind members that they should be addressing the content of the starting post. With regards to 'dredging up the past', such posting of past content, from a moderation standpoint, is to clarify statements by the thread starter regarding the topic at hand. With regard to the apparent discussion, had the thread starter identified themselves contrary to how presented in the past, then a past posting clarifying that position could be offered *without editorial commentary*. That's moderation policy. I'm in a good mood this morning so will just press the 'close' button. My moods are subject to change at any time. Thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
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