Dating? a woman who has had bad relationships and now fears I'll be the same, tips?

[Netprophet]

I came across this board looking for some sort of advice on the subject, so I'll ask here and see what I get.

 

I've been dating a 30 yr old woman for about 2 months now that has had her share of bad men in her life, from an abusive spouse, to a controlling boyfriend, to another who when she thought she was in love, decided to walk out on her because some other guy said that he had been with her.

 

She's spent the last 2 years single, and now we are getting close, to the point of intimacy and yet, when she and I are seperate and talking on the phone (she calls me nightly, even if we'd been out that same evening) she doubts the relationship. She wants to hold herself back, saying that if it is too good, she'll just end up even more hurt when it ends like the rest.

 

I am very patient, and take things at her pace, I like her a great deal and enjoy all that she is ready to offer at her own pace; however, I'm leery of letting things go to far. I don't want her to think I'm pushy, or have her second guess something she's done with me, this happened once before when we went from cuddling to kissing and petting.

 

Anyone had this experience, or any women who have been on her side of the fence have any advice, as I said, I like this woman and want to have everything work out well.

 

Just in case someone asks, I'm 33 myself, an EMT and Radio Technician.

 

Thanks for any help.

[StartingAgain]

She isn't ready for a relationship. She hasn't dealt with the bad relationships in her past and doesn't yet understand that she was the one who allowed herself to get into these relationship in the first place. She needs to get some therapy, since her reluctance is a indication that she is still grappling with issues. They are her issues, so don't make them yours.

 

Whenever a woman says to me that they have come away from a lot of relationships deeply hurt, that those other men abused her, tried to control her, etc. Red flags go up. This is because I have heard so many women say they were abused, controlled and manipulated, when it is quite obvious that they don't have a clue about what these worlds really mean. It is so common right now for women to say that their ex-husbands abused them. Abuse has become the darling poor-pitiful-me excuse. It illicits a lot of sympathy. Abuse is claimed by women at a rate many times the actualized rate of spousal abuse. Often it means that she couldn't get her way 100% of the time. My ex told our MT that I was abusive. The MT immediately told her that she couldn't be more wrong; that I wasn't abusive, only pissed off. Moreover, I had a right to be pissed off, since I was enduring her having an affair and trying for months to find some way to reach her, and all I had got for my efforts was a long list my inadequacies that justified her infidelity. If anyone was the victim of abuse in our relationship, it was me. The MT told her to give up on the abuse card; she wouldn't be allowed to play it there. Anyway, after putting up with this for a year, I was awarded with divorce papers. She's now living with her OM and has told all our friends that the reaqson she left me is because I was abusive and trying to take control of her life. I know women who've been in real abusive relationships. What they had to endure is beyond comprehension. They really get pissed off when they hear women use spousal abuse as an excuse to end their marriage.

 

I don't know if this is the case with your woman or not; she may really have been abused. But if she keeps getting into abusive relationships, she is the one with the problem, and blaming it all on the past men in her life is never going to fix it. If she can't trust you, then there's nothing you can do to change that. She has to change herself first. I'd go easy with this one for awhile.

[Netprophet]

Actually, that is one thing I can clarify, she was abused, physically and verbally by her former husband, an issue that still does haunt her. Mostly when she has to drop their children off at his house and he has to be sure to scream at her once they get out of sight (but not hearing, something that she gets to deal with on top of other things, questions from the kids)

 

As for therapy, she's doing that, I've done my best to keep the kid gloves on, but still she is gunshy to use a good word for it. It sometimes makes me feel like I've been lumped inot a group called MEN, and that we are all the same. I guess, time will be the only answer, but hearing from others who have been there helps.

 

Slow and easy, whens more than a race I guess.

[techguy]

I have been visiting this site for a while now, but never posted. When I saw your post I had to reply. I have to agree with StartingAgain. If a women tells you that she’s had bad relationships and that’s why she’s gun shy it’s an indication of bigger problems to come. I was just recently in your situation. My girlfriend had an abusive husband, and very bad boyfriends before. Things that included rape (by husband & boyfriends), drug abuse, alcoholism, cheating, you get the picture. We dated for a year, and things were great. Better than I could’ve hoped for. Then it all came crashing down. She started to withdraw, sometimes days would go by and I wouldn’t hear from her. She wouldn’t talk to me, she kept telling me that she was overwhelmed by the relationship. That she was scared because it was too good to believe. She would tell me that it was her past scars that were doing this, and begged me to ride it out. I stayed for another 3 months hoping things would get better. But it didn’t. I finally left 2 weeks ago. The breaking point came in a one two punch. The first blow was when one of her former drug buddies (although she left that life style long ago, she still kept in contact with them) gave her some coke. She took it home, but didn’t use it. I know it’s still there in her bedroom and I figure it’s just a matter of time. The second blow came 3 days later, when she went out of state to visit her family for the weekend. For four days I didn’t hear from her and she didn’t return my calls.

 

Your girl has a long road ahead of her. She needs to work out in therapy all her issues, be comfortable with herself and come to trust her decision making process. Right now she doesn’t trust her judgement, and no matter how good you are to her she will always wonder if you’re just like the others. It may work out for you guys, but the odds are against it. I wish you lots of luck.

[Netprophet]

Single again, had a long talk with the erm, ex-girlfriend.

 

She feels she can't trust herself around me, and that she is abandoning herself to be with me, herself being someone who spends their time alone and uninvolved, so she can't get hurt again. And she can't trust me either, because she knows I'm just going to put her through a wall or beat her up, her words and thoughts, not mine.

 

Honesty is a relationship is important, even when it hurts, I can only say, ah well, I tried...she wants to just be a friend, which is ok, but any guy in that spot knows what it feels like to be on the other couch, when last week you were both on the love seat...

 

But, were it not for the advice, I'd not have decided to tackle the issue with her directly and we'd end up in worse shape down the road, thanks guys.

 

Now if I could just cheer myself up, maybe I need a new video game, someone told me there was one you got to play a superhero in, today, I feel as bad as I did 9/13/01, after my first 2 days at the WTC, like I just can't win, ah well, maybe after she spends more time working on her issues she'll be able to get past em, she's a good woman and deserves to do more than hide in her bedroom from reality.

 

Thanks again for the advice, I'll kick around here and see if there's anyone else I can make feel better, always helps me do the same.