how can she be so cold and heartless?

[ilikeapplepie]

Both early 20s, together for 6 months, knew each other for many years.

 

She pursued me, I stringed her along for a while, got her interest levels sky high, gave her a challenge, and eventually made her my girl.

 

I knew she was special, but I knew she had made alot of "mistakes" in her past which made me jealous, actually it made me feel SICK, and it caused alot of arguments and I had no trust for her, but she's a nice girl, wouldnt hurt a fly, not bitchy, down to earth and wears her heart on her sleeve, and I feel inlove with her.

 

The last 2 months were bad, we argued ALOT, we broke up but got back together she said she knows we can be happy and she isnt going to throw it away without fighting for us.

 

After we got back together, I just wasnt feeling the same love from her as she used to show me, her efforts became minimal and it caused more problems, I said its over in anger, and she took that and made it real, she said she thinks we are never going to be happy, shes loves me and cares about me but we don't seem right for each other, we are not making each other happy and its over for real..

 

I'm inlove with her.. so I took it bad, as you can imagine, 1 week of phone calls, texting, talking, meeting, trying to talk her round, she had turned completely cold and wasn't going to budge, she said I need to stop contacting her because we are not going to be able to move on, I basically ended the contact on a "**** you" and that was it.

 

It's been 4 weeks no contact, NOTHING, it's like I never existed to her, we planned a life together, she even said when we broke up "I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you", she told me she loved me, but why wont she fight??? why hasnt she contacted me.. I think she truly is moving on by the looks of things, from what you have read does this sound like its really over?

 

I think shes "cold and heartless" because we "apparently" loved each other, she knows I love her, she said she loves me, we were going to make a life together, and now she has threw it all away after a petty argument and shown no sign of contact or interest since we started no contact... COLD

Edited July 8, 2012 by ilikeapplepie

[Alban]

wait more... she will give you a call or a text message you believe me

[GeeziG]

Your situation sounds a lot like mine we also dated for six months in which she told me she would never leave fight for us etc. All of a sudden bam!!! She turns into this totally different person and I'm just as clueless as you are now my friend it's only been a week of NC for me but it feels like years. ...the thing about females is once there mind is made and set on something it's pretty hard to change even if they know they are wrong they will still swear they are right so the best advice I can give is to be patient and hope that something makes her realize what you too shared was real! I know you wanna know if she's thinkin of you etc believe me I do too but only time will tell...

[carhill]

Here's one potential reason:

'She pursued me, I stringed her along for a while, got her interest levels sky high, gave her a challenge, and eventually made her my girl.'

 

Doesn't exactly give one warm and fuzzy feelings....

 

That said, IME, having been around the block a few times, there's no rhyme or reason. Once they go dead, bury the body and move on.

[ilikeapplepie]

Here's one potential reason:

'She pursued me, I stringed her along for a while, got her interest levels sky high, gave her a challenge, and eventually made her my girl.'

 

Doesn't exactly give one warm and fuzzy feelings....

 

That was just the very start of the relationship,, the first month of talking/hanging out/lust-sex/flirting etc, after that I made her my girl and we we're officially together for 5 months after.

[carhill]

Yes, I understand that. The mindset is a part of your personality. It's not a box which gets shoved to the back shelf when its purpose is finished. There's nothing wrong with it intrinsically but I'm putting it up for comparison to what you're experiencing now. It landed you this fish and now the it's gone cold. Is there a connection? Did you attract a certain kind of woman with that box? Possible.

 

You were throwing out the 'how' question so I posted up one potential from life experience.

[Tree_Salmon]

That was just the very start of the relationship,, the first month of talking/hanging out/lust-sex/flirting etc, after that I made her my girl and we we're officially together for 5 months after.

 

Five months is nothing, its also too early to be having issues like these. Consider yourself very lucky. You're too young to be taking people back.

 

She's not the one. move on. I know its the last thing you want to hear but I've been there many times. Don't waste that time in your life.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry to hear of the demise of a relationship where you were in love. At the best of times relationships can still be tough or confusing.

 

So six months.....

 

Then you ended contact on a **** you and used "it's over" out of being angry and trying to get her to cave.

 

I'm sorry, who's cold?

 

People only know you by your behaviour, not the feelings you keep inside.

 

Six months is not a long time. If you are waving those things around as your true colours by that point: buddy, you failed the audition.

 

She ain't being cold, you asked for it's over. She's being nice and giving you EXACTLY what you requested. It won't get any easier with the next girl unless she speaks "passive aggressive."

 

I honestly, humbly, truly suggest that you look into styles of communication:

 

1. Aggressive

2. Passive

3. Passive-aggressive

4. Assertive.

 

Next time someone is cold, maybe ask: what is my part in getting here? Did I have one?

[ilikeapplepie]

Yes, I understand that. The mindset is a part of your personality. It's not a box which gets shoved to the back shelf when its purpose is finished. There's nothing wrong with it intrinsically but I'm putting it up for comparison to what you're experiencing now. It landed you this fish and now the it's gone cold. Is there a connection? Did you attract a certain kind of woman with that box? Possible.

 

You were throwing out the 'how' question so I posted up one potential from life experience.

 

I understand what you're saying, but I couldn't really hold a discussion about it because I'm no love doctor or expert on certain types of women and what attracts them or makes them go cold.. I just know that I've lost the only girl I've ever felt real love for..

[carhill]

Yep, been there, done that, many times. Sucks. The good news is, you'll feel love for someone else in a new and completely different way and be able to use all the great lessons you've learned from this relationship to hopefully have an even healthier and longer lasting one in the future.

 

My only advice regarding the specifics of the breakup is to learn to avoid taking women's words literally. There's a lot of other stuff going on in the background, often far prior to the literal 'gone cold' stuff. I call it 'steering', an expert guiding of events. Reflection will help understand these processes better.

 

Things are going to change a lot in the next decade for you. I hope you enjoy it thoroughly. This one might come back to life, or might not. Do what you do and let life happen. Good luck.

[GeeziG]

Damn you are getting great feedback can you guys help me hey loveshackers,I just wanted to start a post to get some insight on if every relationship i've been in for the past few years ends because of me, and if so what are somethings that i could change to prevent this in future relationships...I'll start by saying that my past few relationships have ended the same identical way and in the same amount of time only lasting a breif 6 months. ..although I am fairly young being 22 years of age i have always been very mature when it comes to relationships knowing exactly what i want and expect out of my partner. I am a very hard loving individual and always put the girl i've chosen to be with first in my life. I am very consisten in the way i love and if i start to show it in one way i will continue. .. i've been told that i have a natural sense of how to love nd treat the person i am with and i take a lot of pride in it and have been told not to change, however it always leaves me alone in the end.At the start of each relationship i go in with a lot of confidence knowing that most guys are not like me and that the female that i have comitted to will soon see this and appreciate how much thought and care i put into the relationship we have embarked on. ..all feelings seem mutual then, but somewhere between the start and the end i start to feel less confident and insecure about the relationship i have decied to be in..mainly because i start to realize that the female that i am with maybe not be as comitted or serious about the relationship as i would like her to be. ..maybe it has to do with immaturity and age on there part, but they always claim to be sooo in love and soo serious about the relationship we have nd i believe that, but there actions dont seem to match there words in certian circumstances... For instance in my most recent relationship of six month which was a LDR i had to literally beg my EX to stop talking to her EX'S (which happen to be three different guys) because i just didn't feel like that was something you go into a new relationship doing if you are really trying to be serious anyway. ..or the fact that she could never make me as important as her family and friends i felt more like an option than a proritiy and like any mature person would do i approached her about it and she basically told me i would never be as important to her as them...she would also do things like call me and tell me two guys told me i was sexy as **** today?! like is that really something you tell your signficant other? maybe i am insecure, but i feel like her actions contributed to me being even more insecure about the realtionship i was in with her... she ended up moving to the same city as me but broke up with me two days before she got here...saying that she couldnt meet my standrds she wasnt ready to be committed and that i should learn to trust my girlfriend in everything that she does... she blamed the whole breakup on me and this is the same words of an ex prior to her...so is it really me? What am i doing wrong...Also i saw my most recent EX the day she arrived here and one of the first things she said was this is my first night here and if i wanted to go out tonite you would have a problem with it...like really?! considering we have been long distance for six months and the enitre time all we have been talkin bout is spending time together seeing each other etc... who wouldnt?She also said she felt like she was losing herself so maybe the relationship was really just to serious for here, but like i said once again for the longest time all the way up until the breakup this is what she supposedly wanted... All my EX'S seem to realize what they had once its over and done too i just dont understandI guess im just venting and searching for answers any replys will be really helpful thank you. guys elborate on mine plz

[carhill]

Take that post, break it into readable paragraphs and start a new thread.

[ilikeapplepie]

Next time someone is cold, maybe ask: what is my part in getting here? Did I have one?

 

Our 6 month relationship was like a 6 year relationship, thats one of the things we used to throw around in arguments, "it's like we've been married for 30 years!!!".

 

I understand what I did wrong, I wrote everything down and I whole-heartedly understand what I was doing wrong, I explained it to her but she was convinced that too much water had already passed and it's never going to change..

 

She IS being cold, because I can sit here and think of what we shared besides the problems and arguing, if you have ever been in love you know what I'm talking about.. just the amazing experiences of being with a girl you love, and genuinely feeling it when she shows the love back... the problems can be fixed, people can change and I was definitely willing to change, if I knew things would turn out like this beforehand, there problems would have never existed... and if she wasn't being cold, and really did love me like she said then she would see this too.

[ilikeapplepie]

Yep, been there, done that, many times. Sucks. The good news is, you'll feel love for someone else in a new and completely different way and be able to use all the great lessons you've learned from this relationship to hopefully have an even healthier and longer lasting one in the future.

 

My only advice regarding the specifics of the breakup is to learn to avoid taking women's words literally. There's a lot of other stuff going on in the background, often far prior to the literal 'gone cold' stuff. I call it 'steering', an expert guiding of events. Reflection will help understand these processes better.

 

Things are going to change a lot in the next decade for you. I hope you enjoy it thoroughly. This one might come back to life, or might not. Do what you do and let life happen. Good luck.

 

Thanks, can not fault what you've just said, spoonful of truth and reality, and the middle paragraph is true I understand that believe me I've had enough time alone to sit and think and reflect in major DETAIL... not that I fully understand all of these processes, I just mean.. after reflecting back on my relationship I am certainly aware that these "processes" exist.. if you get what I mean, if I did understand them I might not be in this situation in the first place.

Edited July 8, 2012 by ilikeapplepie

[Chi townD]

And another reason why she turned off and became so cold towards you is because she checked out of the relationship long before it ended, she just didn't pull the trigger yet. But when she did, she was able to walk away without a second thought because she already mourned the loss of the relationship while she was still with you.

 

Unfortunately, it hit you like a ton of bricks. That's why you're not on the same page. Really, you need to stay in NC heal and move on. One thing I know about women is that they are the most stubborn creatures on the planet and it's REALLY hard to change their minds once they've decided on something.

[AlexanderJames]

Lots of harsh feedback here How about some friendly advice.

 

Learn from how you acted and what the given result is. Everone on here is going to hate me for saying this and I dont want to give you false hope but this forum is full of echoes. There's an unwritten guidline that everyone ends up pursuing on here involving walking away, burying the past, NC and all of that. Yes all of that stuff works. But it's turning the world of dating into a zombified board game with specific instructions and outcomes. What ever happened to LOVE? And fighting for what you believe in?

 

We dont know you mate, and we dont know your EX. We dont know how either of you think, feel, or what you both want out of life. If she truly is "The only girl you've ever loved" and you feel so strongly for her why not fight for her. Cause at the end of the day you're going to hurt if you dont fight for her.. Why not fight for what you love and give it one last shot. At least if it doesnt work you can live knowing you fought for what you loved. Even if it got you no where.

 

Disregard "Shifting powers" "Ego boosts" "Looking weak" and all of the other no-go's you hear about. Fight for your girl mate, show her how much she means to you, you might get the cold shoulder at first, and you might never get passed that. But if you're going to have her again its sure as F*** not going to happen if you give up and walk away. This is a make or break moment in your life mate. So go out and earn what you desire.

 

And if it doesnt work out for you, and you're left for dead THEN come here and post a thread saying how much you hurt and asking advice about how to move on

Rest assured we're all here for you either way mate.

[ilikeapplepie]

Lots of harsh feedback here How about some friendly advice.

 

Learn from how you acted and what the given result is. Everone on here is going to hate me for saying this and I dont want to give you false hope but this forum is full of echoes. There's an unwritten guidline that everyone ends up pursuing on here involving walking away, burying the past, NC and all of that. Yes all of that stuff works. But it's turning the world of dating into a zombified board game with specific instructions and outcomes. What ever happened to LOVE? And fighting for what you believe in?

 

We dont know you mate, and we dont know your EX. We dont know how either of you think, feel, or what you both want out of life. If she truly is "The only girl you've ever loved" and you feel so strongly for her why not fight for her. Cause at the end of the day you're going to hurt if you dont fight for her.. Why not fight for what you love and give it one last shot. At least if it doesnt work you can live knowing you fought for what you loved. Even if it got you no where.

 

Disregard "Shifting powers" "Ego boosts" "Looking weak" and all of the other no-go's you hear about. Fight for your girl mate, show her how much she means to you, you might get the cold shoulder at first, and you might never get passed that. But if you're going to have her again its sure as F*** not going to happen if you give up and walk away. This is a make or break moment in your life mate. So go out and earn what you desire.

 

And if it doesnt work out for you, and you're left for dead THEN come here and post a thread saying how much you hurt and asking advice about how to move on

Rest assured we're all here for you either way mate.

 

Thanks.

 

But I don't feel much inspired by your words, and I'm glad I don't.. here's why...

 

I feel that I've already shown my weakness, pleaded with her to understand how much I do love her, and regardless she still walked away, I don't think I would be satisfied now if I got her back by any other way than her coming back to me by her own free will..

 

I've learned 2 things from her.. Love and Heartbreak, first I learned love and I thought no feeling would ever be stronger... than came heartbreak and the feeling of that overpowered love by a long-shot because that was my feeling of love being ripped to pieces...

 

At first the heartbreak was RAW, I hit rock bottom and couldn't see past it, over the past 4 weeks the raw hurt turned into a smoother.. dull "longing" hurt, which isn't as overwhelming as the raw feeling of day 1,2,3,4,5,6,7...

 

If I break no contact now, and try to fight for her again, I put myself at risk of going back to day one, I love her, but the feeling of heartbreak is stronger than the feeling of love... I have to consider myself.. my job, my life and my sheer sanity itself.. I know the feeling I had 4 weeks ago was an inch away of destroying my life, I read lots of advice and tips for coping which got me through it, I won't go back there for ANYTHING.

[AlexanderJames]

Well there you go then

As long as you're doing what you want and what makes you happy. Good on you for knowing where you want to go. I wasnt trying to be inspirational I was more or less shining a different light on the situation. Like saying you dont HAVE to do what everyone on here tells you. Some things in life are meant to be discovered on our own.

 

Love and heartache go hand in hand mate. The pain of a hearbreak is only determined by the strength of the love beforehand.. The greater the love the greater the loss..

But you're right if you dont think its worth putting your heart on the line then dont do it. Just do what's best for you.

 

I've broken NC and decided to give things another crack with my ex. Might be hopeless but it might turn out to be worth it too. Just a matter of playing your cards carefully and remaining in a safe position and expecting the worse. Not setting yourself up to fall. I dont intend to put my heart on the line or risk getting hurt. But I am giving her the tools to rebuild a relationship with me should she chose it.

[AlexanderJames]

I feel that I've already shown my weakness, pleaded with her to understand how much I do love her, and regardless she still walked away, .

 

And I wouldnt think too much into this. So she didnt take you back straight away. Words are powerful things, they play on the mind. It hasnt been heaps long for the two of you to be apart..

 

I didnt join this forum because of a breakup. I Dumped my ex. She pleaded with me to take her back, showed me how much she loved me and "regardless, I still walked away"

 

In time I realised I messed up and tried to get her back and it wasnt until she rejected me coming back that I joined up. I hurt cause I left it too late and lost out on something amazing... Feelings change mate. What you and her feel today might not be the same tomorrow..

 

You can fight for her in ways that dont make it look like you're fighting.

Dont write it all off unless your 100% certain you want to. You can make her miss you and want to come back in time. If you play it right. Whether or not you chose to accept it if she does is up to you though..

[ilikeapplepie]

And I wouldnt think too much into this. So she didnt take you back straight away. Words are powerful things, they play on the mind. It hasnt been heaps long for the two of you to be apart..

 

I didnt join this forum because of a breakup. I Dumped my ex. She pleaded with me to take her back, showed me how much she loved me and "regardless, I still walked away"

 

In time I realised I messed up and tried to get her back and it wasnt until she rejected me coming back that I joined up. I hurt cause I left it too late and lost out on something amazing... Feelings change mate. What you and her feel today might not be the same tomorrow..

 

You can fight for her in ways that dont make it look like you're fighting.

Dont write it all off unless your 100% certain you want to. You can make her miss you and want to come back in time. If you play it right. Whether or not you chose to accept it if she does is up to you though..

 

Exactly, I have done the pleading, regardless she still walked away, and now I'm hoping that in time she will reflect on what we had and want me back, and I think that is the only way I would ever be satisfied, actively fighting for her at this point is not only putting my life/sanity at risk again... but I would not be satisfied if I did manage to get her back like that, at this point the only thing which would make it work is if she realised that she wants me...

 

That's my point of it all, is she really moving on, after 4 weeks of no contact is she getting over me/already over me, or will I get a knock on the door today/tomorrow/next week/next month? I wish I knew the answer.

 

But I think no contact is win/win when it comes down to it, because in my situation I already have no choice but to let time take it's course, if she contacts me and asks to fix things then that would be amazing, if she doesn't then I'm already on my way to moving on 4 weeks into no contact.. those are the only 2 outcomes of my situation, there is nothing I can actively do.

Edited July 9, 2012 by ilikeapplepie

[AlexanderJames]

Sounds like you've got your head in the right place mate.

 

Like so many people on here say, yourself included. If she comes back great, if not youre already moving on. Just do whats best for you, be selfish for now and let the good things come to you.

 

If you feel NC is necessary then it probably is, its a big step to take. In which case it's always a win win. As long as you stay in control. With the right mindset, and by keeping calm and in control you'll find hapiness. One way or another.

 

Good luck.

[ilikeapplepie]

On 7/9/2012 at 12:10 AM, carhill said:

Yep, been there, done that, many times. Sucks. The good news is, you'll feel love for someone else in a new and completely different way and be able to use all the great lessons you've learned from this relationship to hopefully have an even healthier and longer lasting one in the future.

 

My only advice regarding the specifics of the breakup is to learn to avoid taking women's words literally. There's a lot of other stuff going on in the background, often far prior to the literal 'gone cold' stuff. I call it 'steering', an expert guiding of events. Reflection will help understand these processes better.

 

Things are going to change a lot in the next decade for you. I hope you enjoy it thoroughly. This one might come back to life, or might not. Do what you do and let life happen. Good luck.

I just found myself in an old email and stumbled upon this account, memories and emotions instantly flooded back to me.

You were right, things did change in the last decade.

I've been with somebody else for the most of it, I have a beautiful daughter, I began a career and it's actually quite successful.

 

I haven't spoken to my ex since 2012 - not a word, I think we've locked eyes in passing... twice? in the last 9 years.

But you know something? I don't think I've ever gone 2 months without thinking about her, I'm a totally - totally - TOTALLY different person now, and like they say time is a healer but s***... something has just always stuck with me, I think I did truly love that girl, even typing "did" feels odd, I don't want to / can't exactly say - I "do", but "did" doesn't quite feel right either.

9 years later, crazy.

Edited August 17, 2021 by ilikeapplepie

[salmagund1]

9 hours ago, ilikeapplepie said:

I just found myself in an old email and stumbled upon this account, memories and emotions instantly flooded back to me.

You were right, things did change in the last decade.

I've been with somebody else for the most of it, I have a beautiful daughter, I began a career and it's actually quite successful.

 

I haven't spoken to my ex since 2012 - not a word, I think we've locked eyes in passing... twice? in the last 9 years.

But you know something? I don't think I've ever gone 2 months without thinking about her, I'm a totally - totally - TOTALLY different person now, and like they say time is a healer but s***... something has just always stuck with me, I think I did truly love that girl, even typing "did" feels odd, I don't want to / can't exactly say - I "do", but "did" doesn't quite feel right either.

9 years later, crazy.

I broke up with a girl in about 2012 as well.   We had the best relationship I've ever been in, but I f***ed it up...well...no I should say we f***ed it up I guess.

I still think about her as the clichéd "one that got away,"    

I would still go back in time to fix it if I could...

 

[mark clemson]

Bottom line is that you are young and life is long. You may be hurting now, but the person you are hurting for is NOT all that you think she is. She may be a fine woman and a fine person, but making her into more than THAT is primarily a trick of your brain.

Humans are in general serial monogamists - this means that the vast majority of relationships end. Sustained LTRs take both maturity and "work". Reality is that, as 2 months of arguing showed, you are NOT nearly as compatible as you think you are. She's not heartless, she just figured that out. While her final words may be stirring up a bit of drama, that's all they are doing. There are people that are into that, for whatever reasons.

While it may be easier said than done, IMO your best and most healthy course is to accept that this SHOULD be over, learn from the relationship, and move on.

Edited August 17, 2021 by mark clemson

[ilikeapplepie]

14 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Bottom line is that you are young and life is long. You may be hurting now, but the person you are hurting for is NOT all that you think she is. She may be a fine woman and a fine person, but making her into more than THAT is primarily a trick of your brain.

Humans are in general serial monogamists - this means that the vast majority of relationships end. Sustained LTRs take both maturity and "work". Reality is that, as 2 months of arguing showed, you are NOT nearly as compatible as you think you are. She's not heartless, she just figured that out. While her final words may be stirring up a bit of drama, that's all they are doing. There are people that are into that, for whatever reasons.

While it may be easier said than done, IMO your best and most healthy course is to accept that this SHOULD be over, learn from the relationship, and move on.

Hi Mark, I think you might have missed what's happened here.

I returned to this thread (2012) after 9 years (2021) - as can be seen from my last response, just shared some thoughts on how much life did change but also that it never did completely fade to indifference like I expected and hoped it would.

I've now been in a "new" relationship for 8 years and we even have a daughter together, but I think after 9 years I've accepted that the one from this thread will probably always be a big part of my emotions.

I've got no interest in the science of it, I haven't learn s*** in truth, all I know is that my other breakups were easy, I also think my current (and first actual LTR) would also be easier - if this was to end, but the one from this thread is the hardest thing I've ever had to experience - and after 9 years if I stop and think about it then - yeah - I definitely still feel it.

Edited August 18, 2021 by ilikeapplepie