Long message

[Jean]

Hi All,

 

I have a relationship plus alpha prblem, which I want to get some advice about. I am an alien with a temporary working visa in USA and I have pursued obtaining a green card with my attorney's help. But for some complicated reason I am going to drop the process, even though it is not what I want to do.

 

I met my boyfriend while I was pursuing my green card. When we first started dating, I could competely separate my green card issue from my relationship. But now the situation is different because the only way that I can live here as long as I want to is to marry him. And it seems to me that it is the best solution for everyone. I love him very much and he loves me very much, too. I never knew that I would meet a man the way he loves me. He is everything that I ever dreamed about a man.

 

We have talked about getting married some day. But it is still up in the air and I know we will not marry soon enough for me even though we decide to do it eventually. My visa will get expired in three years and I will have to go back to my country unless we get married before its expiration. I did not tell him that I am planning to give up the green card process yet. So he think we have plenty time to develop our relationship as far as it goes.

 

Recently I have noticed that I am very cranky and easily upset for some unrational reason. Of course that will make him feel bad and lead to arguments. I realized that I am subconsciously angry with him for not proposing me now, so I can live with him here forever. I know it is so unfair for him to marry me only because of this gren card issue. Also I am afraid that I deluded myself to believe that I love him so much out of desperation. As for me, it is more important whom I live with rather than where I live. I do not want to make a mistake by begging him to marry me now. I want to do right thing for him and for myself.

 

First I tried to see through his eyes what is the ideal situation. He got out of long bad marriage still recently and just began to relax and be able to enjoy a single life again. Also he has pretty young children at sensitive ages. Anything drastic will be bad for both him and his children. This is long awaited peaceful time. As long as his girlfriend does not screw things up with some unrational motivation, it is perfect.

 

As for me I can not afford to be his ideal girlfriend. I am in a desperate situation of running out of time and being in love at the same time. I become easily unrational. It is not easy to figure out what I truly want. I began to dream about breakup. Let him go and let me go. Let him explore some other relationship and find a better girlfriend for him. As for me, what would I like to do here before my time runs up here? I would like to just have fun and make the most out of the time rented to me here. I may want to have some casual relationship with couple of men. I definitely want to have some kind of relationship with him maybe as friends.

 

But the more I have thought about it, the more I realize that I would not be able to do it. It will be so hurting t see him going out with somebody else. How can I go to sleep without his kiss and hugging? Tears are gathered in my eyes even to think about it.

 

Maybe the other option is to keep this relationship, believing that the good will come out of it eventually. But what if it does not? I came to USA, not really for my carrer nor for pursuit of a relationship. I hat to go away anywhere just not to kill myself. I had been in a lng relationship with a man, who took my heart, squeezed it up to the last drop of blood and then threw back to me. I had to run away from everything, which reminded me of him. It will be absolutely the worst thing that can happen to me if I go back to my country because my relationship did not work. I should not have been involved with anyone. That was a mistake. But it is too late to feel sorry for it. I have to do something about this situation. Otherwise our relationship will go sour and we may not even have good memory out of it. But before I talk to him, I would like to borrow some wisdom from everybody. Thank you.

[Tony T]

You can't change reality. You met this guy at the wrong time. He has recently gotten out of a bad relationship and needs time to heal. I'm actually surprised he is dating so soon.

 

I really don't think the pressure of getting a green card should enter into the process of finding someone to spend the rest of your life with. Finding a mate takes time, thought, getting to know the person, etc. without the kind of pressure you are under.

 

Just pretend that you are a U.S. citizen and carry on as such. When your visa expires, you can go back to your country and get another visa if you are in a relationship. Meanwhile, talk to your guy and try to get some idea of how he is thinking. If you find there is no hope ever for marriage, move on. I really don't think he is ready to make any of those kinds of decisions right now anyway. He needs time.

 

Hang in there with him and enjoy the relationship as it is while you are here. It does sound like you are in love with him. If the feelings are mutual, he will eventually ask you to marry him. If they are not, you just move on and do what you have to do to get your life in order.

 

The mistake you made was getting involved with someone who just recently got out of a relationship. Consider this a lesson and see if you can save things now. If not, you have learned and you can move on.

 

There is nothing you can change about the reality you are in. You have the freedom to stay with him or leave. The choice is yours.

[Mitch]

"My visa will get expired in three years and I will have to go back to my country unless we get married before its expiration. I did not tell him that I am planning to give up the green card process yet."

Three years is a long time.

 

Talk to him about this. Treat it as an issue the two of you can face together. And it is because it's affecting you in a big way from the sounds of it.

 

Because that's what successful couples tend to spend a great deal of time on. Tackling problems together.

 

And strangely, I strongly suspect that if you think bringing it up will be a problem and do not mention it, it WILL become one because it will haunt you day in and day out, affecting you in ways that he will notice if the two of you are close. It sounds like it *IS* affecting you in tangible ways already.

 

Talk to the guy. It's one thing if you were going to be deported tomorrow. But three years!? That's a very different story.

 

Plus, if I was him, I would wonder why the *hell* my girlfriend didn't mention what she felt was a major problem, and something that could potentially remove her from my life someday!

 

In summary, talk to him about it. Ask for his help and tackle it together.

 

And if he is mad about it (I really really doubt this will happen) show him this post and blame the bonehead on the internet. That would be me.

 

If this message is not understandable to you, I would be happy to write it again if you would like me to.

 

English is about as sensible as our miserable immigration laws! And as a native speaker, there are usually a great deal of idioms in my English, as pointed out to me by a friend from China.

 

Good luck with all this.