Compromises

[MissBee]

All relationships involve compromise we know.

 

What are some of the compromises you and your AP have made in your relationship?

 

Do you feel like you both equally compromise or do you feel one of you has to compromise more than the other?

 

Do you feel you compromise more/less/differently than in non-A relationships?

 

Have you ever felt like they're getting a better deal than you are from the situation OR do you feel like they do all they can to keep you happy and satisfied?

Thanks guys!

[Mount]

At the VERY FIRST DAY that me and the MM started to be involved, I told him that the situation is me lose-lose, he's win-win, and the A is destructive at my end. But of course he wooed me with love....blah...blah...

 

Anyway I guess I am not really buying thus is not qualified to be the OW:laugh:

[Ladydrib]

All relationships involve compromise we know.

 

What are some of the compromises you and your AP have made in your relationship?

 

Do you feel like you both equally compromise or do you feel one of you has to compromise more than the other?

 

Do you feel you compromise more/less/differently than in non-A relationships?

 

Have you ever felt like they're getting a better deal than you are from the situation OR do you feel like they do all they can to keep you happy and satisfied?

Thanks guys!

 

I absolutely compromised beyond my standards. I did this with a known significant risk, believing in love. My compromise was throwing away my morals and beliefs about commitment. I allowed this to happen because of timing. My marriage was suffering and love was available. I knew it was premature (I.e. I should resolve my marriage first) but did not want to pass up love and figured if it was ending that it would be okay to overlap time a bit. But I made an assumption based on my circumstances and the MMs words that he was in the same position. I still believe that is true but for what ever reason(s) he is not there yet. This mismatch of being ready (I am/he's not) raises doubts as to whether he will ever be or not. Perhaps we are not in the same position, and he'll never be able to leave. I was willing to gamble with my heart in the name of love when we were on the same page, but now that we are not, I have removed myself from the situation. I'm no longer willing to compromise unless I see some action on his part that he feels and intends to do the same. This is terribly hard, and I will never compromise my beliefs in this way again for anyone or anything. I do see that he did some hoop jumping to be together. Even when it was only us spending time together. I think he valued our conversation and companionship every bit as much as our intimacy. But he never let up on the fear of change. I saw him risking more and more and he stopped worrying about getting caught and in general cared less about protecting his marriage as time went on. I my never know if he was just a slow mover and given enough time if he would have found the courage to leave, or if he just needed me to stop enabling him, allowing him to have both. I hope this will work. Putting a stop to the compromise and stating clearly that if he ever wants to be with me again, it will only happen the right way. I guess time will tell. He has come back saying how much he misses and loves me. I did finally respond, simply saying "really?" "then tell your wife" and I've not spoken another word. I still wish I knew what he thinks, can he leave. He's though about it in detail a lot. Wants to. But he's so stuck.

[MissBee]

I absolutely compromised beyond my standards. I did this with a known significant risk, believing in love. My compromise was throwing away my morals and beliefs about commitment. I allowed this to happen because of timing. My marriage was suffering and love was available. I knew it was premature (I.e. I should resolve my marriage first) but did not want to pass up love and figured if it was ending that it would be okay to overlap time a bit. But I made an assumption based on my circumstances and the MMs words that he was in the same position. I still believe that is true but for what ever reason(s) he is not there yet. This mismatch of being ready (I am/he's not) raises doubts as to whether he will ever be or not. Perhaps we are not in the same position, and he'll never be able to leave. I was willing to gamble with my heart in the name of love when we were on the same page, but now that we are not, I have removed myself from the situation. I'm no longer willing to compromise unless I see some action on his part that he feels and intends to do the same. This is terribly hard, and I will never compromise my beliefs in this way again for anyone or anything. I do see that he did some hoop jumping to be together. Even when it was only us spending time together. I think he valued our conversation and companionship every bit as much as our intimacy. But he never let up on the fear of change. I saw him risking more and more and he stopped worrying about getting caught and in general cared less about protecting his marriage as time went on. I my never know if he was just a slow mover and given enough time if he would have found the courage to leave, or if he just needed me to stop enabling him, allowing him to have both. I hope this will work. Putting a stop to the compromise and stating clearly that if he ever wants to be with me again, it will only happen the right way. I guess time will tell. He has come back saying how much he misses and loves me. I did finally respond, simply saying "really?" "then tell your wife" and I've not spoken another word. I still wish I knew what he thinks, can he leave. He's though about it in detail a lot. Wants to. But he's so stuck.

 

I feel you ladydrib. I completely do.

 

I especially like the part about assuming the person feels the same or is in the same position but then you find out they may not be as in it as you are or aren't as willing as you are. It's always disappointing when you find out...but it allows you to assess things realistically.

 

You will indeed see about whether or not he was all hot air or not.

[BetrayedH]

Neo for sure does all he can to keep me happy and satisfied. And I love it!

 

Forgive me as I am not too familiar with your backstory. I gather that you are an OW with a MM.

 

I am not trying to judge but to understand. In another thread you seemed to be taking the position that you were not compromising or settling but yet you made clear to your MM in the beginning (and still seem to maintain) that you want a R that is unencumbered by him having a wife. Yet, he stays with his wife. How is this not compromising or settling? Do you have a mutually-agreed upon deadline date? How is he doing everything possible to keep you satisfied if he is failing to satify you on this? I didn't want to t/j the other thread but considering this one seems to be about compromise and you seem to be very happy in your EMR, how do you reconcile this discrepancy? Just trying to understand.

[Mount]

Same doubt as BetrayedH, "trinity1", are you in some kind of self-denial, if I may ask?

 

Forgive me as I am not too familiar with your backstory. I gather that you are an OW with a MM.

 

I am not trying to judge but to understand. In another thread you seemed to be taking the position that you were not compromising or settling but yet you made clear to your MM in the beginning (and still seem to maintain) that you want a R that is unencumbered by him having a wife. Yet, he stays with his wife. How is this not compromising or settling? Do you have a mutually-agreed upon deadline date? How is he doing everything possible to keep you satisfied if he is failing to satify you on this? I didn't want to t/j the other thread but considering this one seems to be about compromise and you seem to be very happy in your EMR, how do you reconcile this discrepancy? Just trying to understand.

[MissBee]

Same doubt as BetrayedH, "trinity1", are you in some kind of self-denial, if I may ask?

 

I had to laugh at this...not to make fun, but you asked so politely and I think if someone were in some kind of denial or delusional state, they'd not be able to suspend it for a minute to say: " Why, yes, I am in self-denial". Imagining someone doing that gave me the giggles

[Ducky23]

All relationships involve compromise we know.

 

What are some of the compromises you and your AP have made in your relationship?

 

Do you feel like you both equally compromise or do you feel one of you has to compromise more than the other?

 

Do you feel you compromise more/less/differently than in non-A relationships?

 

Have you ever felt like they're getting a better deal than you are from the situation OR do you feel like they do all they can to keep you happy and satisfied?

Thanks guys!

 

Oh man.. I know that in the past couple of weeks I've pretty much spilled my whole entire story here. About all of the compromising of my morals and the horrible things that MM and I did. And everybody was SHOCKED. The point that I've gotten to in my own healing and self-discovery, is that I now am starting to understand WHY the shock. It never hit me sooner because of this exact issue: compromise.

During the A, I never truly felt that I was compromising through the R. He made up all of the excuses to come stay with me overnight, to get rid of her for the weekend so we would have the place to ourselves, for all of the random gifts he showered upon me, ect. He told me "I am yours. I belong to you. In every way that matters." he told me, his heart, mind, body, soul, everything belonged to me. And he did everything in his power to prove it. Except end his M. He went so far as to take time off work one day, left work early, to drive me 100 miles simply because I was bored and wanted to go shopping. Another time, our anniversaries (eerily) fall on the same day. Married the same day, 3 years apart. He left her with her mom all day until well after midnight. To spend the day with me. We've overnighted across the state, taking mini-vacations where we could, 95% of all expenses paid by him. He deliberately refused to spend time with W, turning down all of her ideas for dates, time away, "them" time, whatever. Because he was trying to prove that I was what he wanted and he simply needed "a little more time". I compromised my own morals and beliefs A LOT throughout the A. Starting with being an AP to begin with. But it never felt, to me, like I was compromising. Because my needs were being met. He was fully supportive of me, we had a very open line of communication, he lavished love and gifts upon me, treated me like royalty. And I never thought about the cost to me. In the end, it still seemed (seems?) as though he put more effort into the A than I did. But it became horrible for me as I saw what I was losing. Myself. I compromised everywhere I could without realizing that i was doing it. It got to the point, one day I waited 6 hours. Drove 50 miles out of my way, and waited 6 hours with literally nothing to do, just for the chance to MAYBE see him. For me, 5 minutes was enough. I just wanted a kiss and to hear him say "I love you sweetheart" before I went home. He wasn't happy with that, he wanted at least 2 hours for it to be worth it. I cried the whole way home. 120 miles. That was when I realized that I had compromised my morals. My beliefs. My heart. My family, my happiness, my character, my everything. To be with a man who has been married for 9 years. Together for 12.

[Summer Breeze]

All relationships involve compromise we know.

 

What are some of the compromises you and your AP have made in your relationship?

The one compromise I made was to limit future possibilities. I knew he wasn't leaving and I accepted it. When I wanted a future and couldn't compromise anymore then I ended it.

 

Do you feel like you both equally compromise or do you feel one of you has to compromise more than the other?

I think he probably compromised more than I did in many ways. I kept my life going and worked him in around me. Sometimes I don't quite know how he kept up with what I 'demanded' and his M.

 

Do you feel you compromise more/less/differently than in non-A relationships?

I didn't no. I set my boundaries and expectations at the beginning and didn't move from them. I accepted his limitations and didn't ask him to rethink them till the day I gave him a chance. Then I ended it.

 

Have you ever felt like they're getting a better deal than you are from the situation OR do you feel like they do all they can to keep you happy and satisfied?

He did more than I would have expected to keep me happy. I spent more and better time with him than I have some single men I've dated. He was jealous because my life carried on and he knew I wasn't going to stop. Once he started a talk about me not dating and I told him once his divorce was final I'd be happy to.

 

Thanks guys!

 

 

My response are not in bold.

[BetrayedH]

There are two people in a relationship. I am giving him the space and time he needs. One of the issues is he still has young children whom he wants to live with. That requires time. There are other things too he needs to come to terms with. I see him moving towards me all the time.

 

Meanwhile he is the best SO ever. Does everything to keep me happy and satisfied. I couldn't wish for a better man! I never thought there existed a man so compatible with me. He does everything in his power to ensure I do not feel like the OW, but indeed a regular SO. And much of it is he is just such a nice and considerate man. I don't expect that to change ever.

 

Actually I think that's a fair explanation. Every relationship requires some sacrifice, compromise, or settling (depending on what term you prefer). I still don't agree with infidelity in any case but I can see that perhaps in yours, you find the sacrifices you make to be worth it, much as happens in any other relationship. I don't think I could voluntarily share my SO with anyone but to each their own. I just feel terrible for his BW. She deserves to make her own life choices, too. But, I digress from the topic at hand. Thanks for the honest response.

[cocorico]

All relationships involve compromise we know.

 

What are some of the compromises you and your AP have made in your relationship?

 

Do you feel like you both equally compromise or do you feel one of you has to compromise more than the other?

 

Do you feel you compromise more/less/differently than in non-A relationships?

 

Have you ever felt like they're getting a better deal than you are from the situation OR do you feel like they do all they can to keep you happy and satisfied?

Thanks guys!

 

No compromises from my side, but there were several from his side. But then, being M was his problem not mine, so making the compromises was his to deal with too.

 

I don't compromise in Rs generally, and the A was no different.

[MissBee]

No compromises from my side, but there were several from his side. But then, being M was his problem not mine, so making the compromises was his to deal with too.

 

I don't compromise in Rs generally, and the A was no different.

 

How is it possible to never have to compromise?

 

Or are you the person who is the one who most never budges, while the other has to be the one to do the bending?

 

Can you give an example of a couple of the many compromises your MM had to make? I kind of wanted people to say concrete examples, because it's easier to see what someone means by a compromise when they do so.

[cocorico]

How is it possible to never have to compromise?

 

Or are you the person who is the one who most never budges, while the other has to be the one to do the bending?

 

Can you give an example of a couple of the many compromises your MM had to make? I kind of wanted people to say concrete examples, because it's easier to see what someone means by a compromise when they do so.

 

I don't see things like deciding which restaurant to eat at, or which music to listen to, as compromise. Those are minor issues and IMO swings and roundabouts - you choose today, I'll choose tomorrow. We agree on most of that kind of stuff anyway.

 

To me compromise is about bigger stuff, like how you bring up kids or whether you celebrate Christmas and frankly if something is important to me like my values then I'm sticking by them and I'd choose my values above a R anyday. Some would not have a R with someone that compromised my values and I would never have an R with someone who did not share my values especially on the important stuff. So no, I don't compromise but no I don't expect the other person to do "all the bending". I want a partner not a slave, but I want someone whose values align with mine. I could never love or even shag someone who voted Tory or who cheated on their taxes, for example.

 

I said he made several compromises, not "many" by which I meant things like he compromised his values by having an A, it's not against my values so I did not compromise on that. He also made compromises such as choosing to spend holidays with me instead of playing happy families, by being more open than he might have chosen with his colleagues about his private life by including me as his partner openly in professional contexts, etc. but those were due to his situation and so those were his to manage and not mine to worry about.

[jwi71]

I said he made several compromises, not "many" by which I meant things like he compromised his values by having an A, it's not against my values so I did not compromise on that. He also made compromises such as choosing to spend holidays with me instead of playing happy families, by being more open than he might have chosen with his colleagues about his private life by including me as his partner openly in professional contexts, etc. but those were due to his situation and so those were his to manage and not mine to worry about.

 

Just curious....

 

As an A is not outside your value system, would you cheat on your MM?

 

Have you directly told him such?

 

I say MM - but maybe its H or SO at this point - no idea what your current "Status" with "him" is....

[MissBee]

@cocorico I understand what you're saying, and I'm not going to get seriously involved with a person with whom I have to compromise my primary values. However, for the sheer fact that two people, no matter how similar, will differ at some point in time about things, especially as we grow and change...I find it miraculous that one can be in any kind of relationship: romantic, friendship or familial and never have to compromise.

 

Thanks for clarifying on MM's compromises; although I'm not certain why you're always saying "that's his problem not mine". It seems like a completely strange thing to focus on and I'm not criticizing you btw, as other OW have also said it, so every time I see it I wonder why it's done and how can an attitude of "That's your problem, not mine dude" be a good attitude to have about someone you're in a relationship with.

 

In any case: if cheating doesn't compromise your values, but they violated his, I'm not sure that you can also claim that you don't date people who don't share your values. As he didn't share your values about infidelity, so had to do all the bending in this instance.

 

Does it feel out of sync to know that someone had to compromise their values to be with you? This is a genuine question. As for me, I would feel uncomfortable with them doing that. I'd feel like at some point, they'd resent me or hate themselves for it and I wouldn't want that. A good relationship in my mind is where we both allow each other to be our best selves, and I don't see my partner compromising his values for me, even if they are values I don't share, as me leading him towards his best self. I guess what I don't get is: how can you not be okay with a relationship that compromises your values, but okay with your partner being with you when it compromises theirs.

 

Is the rationale: That's his problem, not mine. As long as I don't have to be the one to compromise my values, that's what matters. If he wants to, great for him. (?)

Edited July 9, 2012 by MissBee

[East7]

Missbee,

sorry my responses may seem too simplistic but the compromises with my xMW had ALL to do with the A itself and not with our "relationship" - I don't want to call it a relationship, because the A was never a relationship in my standards even when I was fully involved:

 

All relationships involve compromise we know.

 

What are some of the compromises you and your AP have made in your relationship?

 

- I made the compromise to share her with her H and she made the compromise to lie to him.

 

Do you feel like you both equally compromise or do you feel one of you has to compromise more than the other?

 

- Which is the harder : to share someone or to have a main dish and a second one ?

 

Do you feel you compromise more/less/differently than in non-A relationships?

 

- Yes ! Apples and oranges. I had a LTR before xMW, the conflicts were different as in my LTR there was just two of us and no triangle. With xMW there were too many frustrations which lead to fighting and ALL of them were related to the A-situation itself and not to our tastes, opinions or whatever can make a normal couple fight.

 

Have you ever felt like they're getting a better deal than you are from the situation OR do you feel like they do all they can to keep you happy and satisfied?

 

- Oh she got the better deal ! All along. It was all about her, where she wanted, when she wanted. What she did for me vs. what I did or would have done for her, is like comparing crumbs to a big pie.

 

[/b]

Thanks guys!

[MissBee]

Missbee,

sorry my responses may seem too simplistic but the compromises with my xMW had ALL to do with the A itself and not with our "relationship" - I don't want to call it a relationship, because the A was never a relationship in my standards even when I was fully involved:

 

Thanks for your responses East!

[woinlove]

East, the responses you gave all make a lot of sense to me.

 

cocorico, I also don't understand how you can say you would never have an R with someone who didn't share your values but you also say having an A was against MM's values but not against yours. Doesn't sound like you shared values with him. And doesn't it bother you that the person you have an R with has to compromise his values to have an R with you. To love someone is usually to want to bring out the best in them, not compromising their values.

[mercy]

I'd feel like at some point, they'd resent me or hate themselves for it and I wouldn't want that.

 

 

This is exactly what happened with my h and his affair. He ended up hating her and despising himself. I couldn't figure out why she was so shocked at the outcome. She seemed so proud she'd shagged him and all he felt was shame. To this day years later she is his worst mistake.

[MissBee]

This is exactly what happened with my h and his affair. He ended up hating her and despising himself. I couldn't figure out why she was so shocked at the outcome. She seemed so proud she'd shagged him and all he felt was shame. To this day years later she is his worst mistake.

 

When my ex and I were together (normal relationship), I realized that I compromised some of my values. I did however draw the line at certain things, upon much conflict. I didn't feel comfortable with certain things but it's almost like when you hold your nose to consume some horrible drink quickly; I'd try not to think about it and just think about doing it "for him". After our relationship ended, I realized how much of a match we were NOT! I realized were we such a great match, I wouldn't have had to to feel that way and wouldn't have had to do so much bending. I also held a lot of resentment for him and shame/anger at myself for going there.

 

So yes, now I know that compromising my values to be with someone is not fulfilling. While the relationship is in its heyday you may feel bad but not as badly, but it's especially when times get rocky or it ends, where you feel the full force. No matter who you're with, we're always alone in our heads. I realized that I had to make choices that were authentic to me, so only comfortable thoughts would be swirling around in my head, in the privacy of my own mind.

[angie2443]

No matter who you're with, we're always alone in our heads. I realized that I had to make choices that were authentic to me, so only comfortable thoughts would be swirling around in my head, in the privacy of my own mind.

 

These are very wise words!

[cocorico]

Just curious....

 

As an A is not outside your value system, would you cheat on your MM?

 

Have you directly told him such?

 

 

Participating in an A is not against my values. Cheating is. If I make a pro use, I keep it.

 

And yes, he knows exactly where I stand on this, and on other things.

[MissBee]

A dog that had been starved and whipped daily by his previous master would think a new master who feeds him and beats him once a week is an improvement.

 

This is true.

 

If one has come from a dysfunctional family and has had a history of dysfunctional relationships....a married person is not really a step in the right direction IMO, but a permutation of the same kind of problematic pattern. There are lots of stories, even on LS, of women who've been in physically abusive relationships and homes who "upgrade" (if you can call it that) from one who hits to more subversive forms of mistreatment. They don't think their new emotionally abusive or cheating partner is so bad, since they don't beat them.

 

This isn't at all a judgment by the way...but the reality of how our perceptions are formed and shaped when a large part of our lives we've grown accustomed to dysfunction. It's quite disheartening. My friend always says that when you compare yourself to people worst off than you, then you of course seem great and you never see a need to do better; it's only if you look in the other direction that your perception of what good is might change and you may decide that better is to be had. I find that to be very true. If your meter stick is one that is low...then anything even an inch above will seem like a huge improvement. I do understand and empathize with this and can more get where some people are coming from when I consider it within that context.

[cocorico]

.In any case: if cheating doesn't compromise your values, but they violated his, I'm not sure that you can also claim that you don't date people who don't share your values. As he didn't share your values about infidelity, so had to do all the bending in this instance.

 

He shares my views on infidelity in general, but "having an A" ie having to be the unfaithful spouse and not be fully honest with his BS went against his values.

 

.Does it feel out of sync to know that someone had to compromise their values to be with you? This is a genuine question. As for me, I would feel uncomfortable with them doing that. I'd feel like at some point, they'd resent me or hate themselves for it and I wouldn't want that. A good relationship in my mind is where we both allow each other to be our best selves, and I don't see my partner compromising his values for me, even if they are values I don't share, as me leading him towards his best self. I guess what I don't get is: how can you not be okay with a relationship that compromises your values, but okay with your partner being with you when it compromises theirs.

 

It was his choice. We had the discussion. He decided at that time that it was more important to him to have the R with me than it was to be completely open and honest with his BS. He was prepared to make that compromise because the benefits of the R were more important to him than the costs of the compromise. That was his choice as a consenting adult, made freely, and this, his responsibility to bear the consequences of.

 

.Is the rationale: That's his problem, not mine. As long as I don't have to be the one to compromise my values, that's what matters. If he wants to, great for him. (?)

 

The rationale is: he is an adult, able to take responsibility for his own decisions and choices. I refuse to patronise him by deciding what is good or bad for him - that is his choice to make, not mine.

[mercy]

Participating in an A is not against my values. Cheating is. If I make a pro use, I keep it.

 

And yes, he knows exactly where I stand on this, and on other things.

 

You can be with a cheater but can't be a cheater? The logic escapes me.

 

MissBee you may tire of me saying the same thing over and over but you are one wise lass.

 

Compromising our values always brings shame and sooner or later we all have to face it, no matter how many different ways we try to paint it or explain it.