Jellybean21 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Ok, first post.. I am married, he is married we "fell in love" after a fling, realised we had loads in common, connected etc etc, both from strained marraiges. It was all going so well, I moved house, we work together and have gone through a lot together, he is always there contacting me, calling, being supportive the works. But .... yes as you guessed it, he won't leave his wife. He moans about her, he is never home!!! we are both eachothers first affairs. There are children, both sides his son is teenager, my son is 5... and the inevitable question is. I am just being stupid and hanging on, he says he doesn't have the strengh to go.. Or am I just being blind... Do men ever leave their wives? no one not knowing the situation can say yes or no but I just like to see what people say. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Ok, first post.. I am married, he is married we "fell in love" after a fling, realised we had loads in common, connected etc etc, both from strained marraiges. It was all going so well, I moved house, we work together and have gone through a lot together, he is always there contacting me, calling, being supportive the works. But .... yes as you guessed it, he won't leave his wife. He moans about her, he is never home!!! we are both eachothers first affairs. There are children, both sides his son is teenager, my son is 5... and the inevitable question is. I am just being stupid and hanging on, he says he doesn't have the strengh to go.. Or am I just being blind... Do men ever leave their wives? no one not knowing the situation can say yes or no but I just like to see what people say. 3.5 years is a long time. Statistically, more likely he won't leave. But there is a small chance he will leave. Him saying he doesn't have the strength to go suggests he is more comfortable where he is, living this double life with deception, than what he thinks going through a divorce to be with you would be like. Probably something has to happen to change that, such as his teen grows up and leaves home, his W finds out, you end things,... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Ok, first post.. I am married, he is married we "fell in love" after a fling, realised we had loads in common, connected etc etc, both from strained marraiges. It was all going so well, I moved house, we work together and have gone through a lot together, he is always there contacting me, calling, being supportive the works. But .... yes as you guessed it, he won't leave his wife. He moans about her, he is never home!!! we are both eachothers first affairs. There are children, both sides his son is teenager, my son is 5... and the inevitable question is. I am just being stupid and hanging on, he says he doesn't have the strengh to go.. Or am I just being blind... Do men ever leave their wives? no one not knowing the situation can say yes or no but I just like to see what people say. He isn't looking to leave. If you want him in your life then you have to settle for an affair and continue being the OW. Yes, some men do leave but those that leave put a plan together and follow through. They divorce and make the transition as quickly and painlessly as possible. Those who stay and continue the A rarely leave. Believe him when he tells you he doesn't have the strength to leave. That's honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jellybean21 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Well I asked him point blank yesterday; he was in a foul mood so though may as well get the honest answer and it was a no he wasn't planning to. When asked what was wrong with me? Nothing... but he won't abandon his son. Fair play, I have a son I am willing to end my marriage? Or am I just a bad person here... It is what it is. To follow it up, he said I should enjoy him in the capacity at which I have him. It sounds so arrogant. I am gutted to say the least. Due to the fact we work together, I am actively looking for a new job, I don't know what to do at this point.. I am sure the pain gets better? or I can just hope it does. Thank you for the advice to date xx Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 It is what it is. To follow it up, he said I should enjoy him in the capacity at which I have him. It sounds so arrogant It doesn't sound arrogant. He is being honest and telling you it's just an affair and to enjoy it for what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. Many times when two people are married and have an affair, it's quite rare that BOTH leave their spouses for one another. I've seen so many storys on here when one person is willing to divorce but the other person isn't. Just think how good your marriage could be if you put that same energy and love into the relationship with your husband instead of your MM. Do look for another job. Detach, stop putting MM first. Focus on other things, keep busy and figure out if you want to salvage your marriage, reconnect with your husband or divorce him. As it seems now, you don't love your husband since you say you would leave him if MM left his wife. If your husband found out the truth about you and MM, how would you react? Would you realize that you don't want to continue to have a life with him and give him a divorce or would you wake up and realize that you do love him? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 It is what it is. To follow it up, he said I should enjoy him in the capacity at which I have him. It sounds so arrogant. Well, it sure doesn't sound like love. He doesn't seem to think you deserve more, but you do. It hurts and will for a while, but this can't really be the kind of man you want to share your life with. Keep up your resolve, know you deserve better, find a new job, focus on your son, friends, family, activities you enjoy. Vent here as needed. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Of course men leaves there wives, hence divorce is rampant. Although, I don't know statistically if women initiate divorces more than men. I believe I read somewhere that women often initiate divorces more, and in affairs, women also tend to leave their spouses more than men who do. So yes....some men leave their wives. The question is: will your MM do so? If he says no...believe him and plan your life accordingly. If he clams he will, but is vague about it and seems to avoid the topic...also look at that and plan accordingly. Are you planning on leavng your husband? Or are you basing that on whether your affair partner leaves his wife? If both of you are waiting for the other to leave, it's a bad recipe IMO. As it is better if you all leave your marriages because you are truly done, it's over and you wanted a divorce anyway, regardless of the A...and not simply you're in an A, caught up on the feelings of now, so are divorcing "for" each other. Link to post Share on other sites
JasonRules Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 @OP What you're asking for is analogous to giving me the cake first, letting me eat it, and then expecting me to pay you when it's already in my belly. Secondly, if he didn't have have the balls to tell his wife that they have issues (before he met you) they need to work on, what makes you think he will all of sudden find the balls to leave her? Lastly, here is some food for thought. You stated you are also married, but now you are cheating on your current husband with this guy. I'm sure at one point you were in love/infatuated with your current husband otherwise why would you have married him to begin with, right? Here's the catch though; he might be thinking this; "if she's capable of cheating on her current husband when things fall apart, who's to say if I marry her she won't be cheating on me with another man when she tires of me?" Some food for thought... You have a lot of soul searching to do and you won't find the answers in this guy's bed... As I man I'll tell you this; he isn't going to leave his wive. He never intended to leave his wife ever. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 You have been with him 3.5 years. Is the first time you ever asked him if he was leaving? You said you moved house. Does that mean you seperated from your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
chalkfarm Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Do men ever leave their wives? No. And if they do leave, they go back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jellybean21 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Firstly, thank you for your replies. I know everybody is different, yes we share some common ground but I take it on board that everybody will tackle life differently. So let me fill you in on the rest. I have been with my Husband for a total of 19 years, 11 married 8 dating we met young, and I married him because it seemed the right thing to do after all that time. We have a lovely son, he is brilliant but no I do not intend on staying with him. With or without MM, My husband and I fell out of sorts a long time ago. DH found out about the A and we went for counseling etc, MM wife found out as well but she didn't want counseling, she just wants to pretend it never happened. I work in a good career, MM is not my direct boss but he has been helpful working with me on my career; he is 15 years older than me. MM wife is stay at home mom, his son is 14. In a way, and no I am not making excuses, but he shows commitment because he feels he cannot abandon his son, excuse or not and I can kind of respect that, my son is young and can still adapt. I was planning on leaving my DH even before the A, after I have completed my studies I possibly will. Yes I used to love him, but it has been a long road and one cannot do all the work all the time, when MM I got together it was suppose to be for fun, we outlined that, 3 years down the line we spend a heck of a lot of time together, give him his due he is very straight about things, no false promises, and tells it like it is. I feel for him I want to help MM I want to be his partner and help him grow, he is not yet 50 but considers life pretty much over, which is sad. Yep the randy stuff is brilliant, but interestingly enough given current workload there is not a lot of it, but he is always still there regardless. He even offered to have counseling to help me with some stuff… Hmm it's one of those, and yes Jasonrules, we have addressed that as well, as I would wonder if he could cheat on me and I him, think with men being older they worry that the woman will grow bored as they get older. My past unfortunately is not brilliant; however he knows of it and still accepts me. Ironically we have worked on honesty from day one with MM (yes I know) but even if it hurts and the other person doesn’t want to hear it you say it. I am glad to find the board, and thank you, it's such a lonely world out there it is great to connect with people in similar situations it makes like a bit more bearable! Link to post Share on other sites
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