My Sons controlling Girlfriend

[alvitdk]

OK, this might take a while but after 6 month of struggle we have no more hope of getting my son on track, but I would love to hear from others with similar problems and hopefully even a solution.

 

My son just turned 18, graduated HS and is written into a Community College near by, so far so good. About 9 month ago he hooked up with a girl in school who is only 14 Years old (he was 17 at that time). We had all kind of discussions about the age difference but as you can imagine that did not help at all. This girl is mentally disturbed, cutting herself at her whole busy, and since than my son started do do the same. Over time and with therapy he got better and stopped doing it but that would now be his/our least problem.

 

His GF is at her tender age manipulating and abusive. He is acting like her little puppy, she calls him and he runs. She had given him a black eye as well as recently a split lip and loose tooth. He denied it was her, but I am able to read his twitter message, since he used it on my PC and saved his Password, I know I should not but it's the only thing we have to see whats going on.

 

Recently after she split his lip (and she bragged on twitter about it) he had broken up with her, just to run back the next day, telling us he made a mistake. She is threatening him with cutting herself again, just to get him to come over. In the meantime he has lost all his supporting friends, we only see him once in a while, and his girlfriend mother lets him stay overnight, imagine that, a 14 Year olds mother. Her sister got pregnant with 15 and I'm afraid it's just a matter of time until the police will pick him up and he will be marked for the rest of his life as a sex offender, no?

 

So, she is 14, manipulative and controlling, abusive and tries everything to cut us as well as his friends out of their relationship, and we have no idea anymore what else to do. If we try to talk to him about it, he gets annoyed, does not want to hear it and will leave.

 

At his graduation party, he even gave her most of his graduation money he got as a gift, and explained to us that he would just spend it and she will be watching it for him.

 

Any advise???

 

Thank you so much for reading.

Edited July 9, 2012 by alvitdk

[MuscleCarFan]

This girl needs counseling pronto. I hope you son wisens up soon, because I don't understand how ANY guy can tolerate being with a controlling woman/girl.

[alvitdk]

This girl needs counseling pronto. I hope you son wisens up soon, because I don't understand how ANY guy can tolerate being with a controlling woman/girl.

 

She is seeing a therapist, but I guess for the wrong reasons. I would like to tell my son "to grow a pair", but I know this would just alienate him more from us. However, I would love to tell her mom what a moron she is by supporting him to sleep there.

 

Maybe we should just let him go, after all I still have 2 daughters, thats at least how I feel at times, but than....he is our son and we love him dearly.

[pink_sugar]

Please remember this girl is only 14...but this could get worse if not addressed. She probably has a lot of issues that she doesn't know how to deal with. I'm most states with the exception of Hawaii, the age of consent is at least 16. Have you talked to your son about the possible consequences of having sexual relations with this girl? He is an adult and you cannot stop him, unfortunately, but you could possibly talk to the girl's mother about your concerns. 14 is too young to be with an 18 year old.

[Balzac]

Focus on continued therapy with your son. He is demonstrating emotionally unhealthy behavior.

 

Age of consent laws are easily known. Does your son have a handle on condom usage?

Edited July 10, 2012 by Balzac

[dreamingoftigers]

How would you handle it if it was your 17 year old daughter being treated like this?

Would you tell her to grow a pair?

 

Wouldn't you do everything possible to get her out of that situation?

He's still a minor, have you tried talking to the girl's parents?

 

Check locally into domestic violence courses, often they are able to help the families make changes in their communication patterns when situations like these arise.

[alvitdk]

I appreciate all your comments, but I might not have explained enoyh to make sense.

 

1. When they first dated we discussed in lenght that we do not approve, due to the age difference. Forbidding a relationship will of course not work, same school, hiding places and so on. Forbidding will not help, but usually only make it worse as we all know.

 

2. When he turned 18, actually even before that, we made it clear that in case if is having a sexual relationship, it is his head on the line, believe me we kept talking until we turned blue, but he just said: well, thats my problem to deal with, I love her and thats it. I agreed and keep mentioning it every other week, to his annoyance.

 

3. She never ever will sleep over our house, as much as they wanted and we had fights about it, no way I will enable that.

 

4. The first time her mom had allowed him to sleep over, he was still 17 and told us he will sleep at a friends house, which we knew was a lie since they did not hang out for several month. I followed his car and of course he went to her. He got in trouble with us and I had a talk with her mom, she told me it's fine with her and better than if he is driving around with her daughter all night. I was furious, told her what I think about her parenting, what do you mean driving around all night? First of all my son had to be home by midnight on weekends, so no driving around, and she is your 14 year old daughter, keep her inside and kick my son out. Needless to say she apologized and thats it.

 

5. Ever since he turned 18, he is sleeping over, her mom said it's fine and since he is 18, nothing we can do. But, if he ever gets in trouble because of it, I will make sure her mom gets too, for enabling such a relationship under her supervision. Interestingly her sister was pregnant with 15, you would think her mom would try everything to avoid the same faith from her other daughter.

 

So, yes he does know how to use a condom, we had lots of talks about the relationship to a 14 Year old, we talked in lenght with her mom, who is trying to be best friend of her daughter and my son and finds it all too great. She does not know about the abuse, we only know it trough his twitter postings, so it's difficult to bring it up to anyone without revealing the source.

 

How would you handle it if it was your 17 year old daughter being treated like this?

Would you tell her to grow a pair?

 

Wouldn't you do everything possible to get her out of that situation?

He's still a minor, have you tried talking to the girl's parents?

 

If it would be my 17 Year old daughter it wouldn't be any different, only that I would go up to the abusing 14 Year old and set him straight, somehow I will not do it to a 14 Year old girl, not sure why

 

He is NOT a minor, again he is 18 now, thats the problem!

 

Yesterday we sat down and had a little talk.....again....but I had him read an article on controlling and abusive relationships. His only responds was: I know all of it, I know we have a very bad relationship, but it is what it is and not in your business....here you go, what else to add.

 

The positive for us is, at least he knows what we think about it, he is aware of his mess and not just a innocent victim. I told him we will always be there for him, but he should really start to think about it, hopefully over time he will realized the crap he is into, before it is too late. BTW, he as well as she told me they do not have sex yet, no idea if it's true or just a lie, I hope it's true.

[pink_sugar]

For an 18 year old, it sounds like he knows what he's doing. If they are having sex, he hasn't gotten her pregnant and it sounds like he knows what he's getting himself into. For him to aknowledge your concerns and calmly say that it's his concern is a big step for an 18 year old. Unfortunately, he is right. It is his life now. You have done all you can, all you can do is be supportive of him and there for him when he realizes the mistakes he makes and help him move forward. It happens to all of us. I made a lot of mistakes and learned from then when I moved out at 18. Actually, reverse psychology works better than you think. Would you rather have his girlfriend stay over, in a separate room and be in control of the situation or stay home wondering where your son is late at night with his girlfriend? A lot of people would disagree with my mom allowing my 22 year old boyfriend over at 17, but it was much preferable to wondering where I was until late at night. So it's not necessarily enabeling, but having more control over the situation.

[dreamingoftigers]

I missed about where he wasn't a minor, sorry.

 

That puts things a little out if the league.

 

I would definitely check if he's in an area where it's legal.

 

The girl could claim anything under the Sun and it won't look good.

[alvitdk]

I missed about where he wasn't a minor, sorry.

 

That puts things a little out if the league.

 

I would definitely check if he's in an area where it's legal.

 

The girl could claim anything under the Sun and it won't look good.

 

Yep, that's the problem, in our area the age of consent is 17

 

And we did tell him exactly that, even just him braking up might prompt her to tell on him, accusing of having had sex or even worse, raping her. Either way, he will take the fall for it. When he turned 18 we told him, up to now we were here to lead him into the right direction, from now on whatever path he decids to go, he will have to take full responsibility, he just rolls his eyes and says he knows.....soooo frustrating

 

But....he made his bed, he has to sleep in it. We will always be there for him, but it's all up to him.....and his girlfriends messed up mother

 

I guess nothing we can do, I just wished there was something we could do

[TG1]

But if your son really does love this girl genuinely, then if you feel like you have to say something to him about this, you should but still if you force him into breaking up with this girl, it is only going to drive him closer and closer to this girl and I am sure that is not what you want right? Then I would say you have to respect your son's choice because he is at that age where he is reaching adulthood and he is going to make his own choices. If they are the wrong ones, he is going to have to find out for himself the hard way, you know what I mean?

[alvitdk]

But if your son really does love this girl genuinely, then if you feel like you have to say something to him about this, you should but still if you force him into breaking up with this girl, it is only going to drive him closer and closer to this girl and I am sure that is not what you want right? Then I would say you have to respect your son's choice because he is at that age where he is reaching adulthood and he is going to make his own choices. If they are the wrong ones, he is going to have to find out for himself the hard way, you know what I mean?

 

Genuine love, with a 14 Year old does not mean anything to the judge if convicted of statuary rape!

 

I know, believe me I would let him make his own choices, unfortunately this is a very BIG no-no. If it comes to light, he would be charged with rape and marked for the rest of his life. Forget college, a good work and so on. There is too much at risk to just let it go as, he has to learn the hard way. Yes, at the end there is nothing we can do, but I wish there could.

Edited August 1, 2012 by alvitdk

[Radu]

Genuine love, with a 14 Year old does not mean anything to the judge if convicted of statuary rape!

 

I know, believe me I would let him make his own choices, unfortunately this is a very BIG no-no. If it comes to light, he would be charged with rape and marked for the rest of his life. Forget college, a good work and so on. There is too much at risk to just let it go as, he has to learn the hard way. Yes, at the end there is nothing we can do, but I wish there could.

 

It is not the end of the world.

Yes, it will be hard, but if he's a smart guy he will pull through even without college/good work, nothing will stop him from building a good business.

 

I'm saying this [and there is proof], so that you can hopefully shake the 'doom' attitude.

Talk to a lawyer, maybe documenting this stuff will help.

[RiverRunning]

I have personal experience. I live in Michigan. My female cousin was 17 when she began a sexual relationship with her 14-year-old girlfriend. The relationship endured until the other girl was nearly 16 and my cousin was nearly 19.

 

Well, word got out. The judge was a little lenient at first: she had to go to counseling sessions for a few months in the form of some program for pseudo-sex offenders...and after that, she would be done. So long as she never saw her girlfriend again.

 

Of course, that didn't happen. My cousin is now on the sex offender registry and she spent nearly 2 years in prison. Her life will never be the same. She has to be guarded about where she lives (and remember, sex offenders generally can't be within so many feet of a school, etc.)

 

After getting out of prison, she was on probation for a year and had to wear a tether. She had to get special permission if she wanted to go anywhere other than home or work - and this was often denied, unless it was a funeral or something. She could leave to visit my parents for an hour or two, but if she was cutting it close, she'd get a stern call from her probation officer that it was time to leave.

 

OP, I think you need to calmly sit down with your son and talk to him. What attracted him to this girl? What are her good qualities? Maybe you can do some probing - the fact that he's so young and this is (arguably?) his first relationship may mean that he thinks this is normal behavior...that he's afraid that if he breaks up with her, he won't be able to find anybody else...etc.

 

It may also well be time to stage an intervention or something. Call some of his old friends and explain the situation to them: maybe with their influence and support, your son will be more willing to consider how awful this girl is for him. It's not unusual for kids his age to listen to a friend more than a parent...

 

Maybe it would also be a good idea for him to start meeting other girls. Maybe his friends could look for some single girls to bring along for outings (that is, if they can convince him to ever hang out with them again). Meeting other girls and regaining some confidence could be the key to getting your son to break free from this nightmare.

 

This girl is seriously messed up. And she has the power to DESTROY your son's entire life.

 

My cousin was a woman, so I've no doubt the judge was probably more lenient in sentencing her. Imagine what happens to a guy having sex with an underage girl...

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Just wait until her mom gets pissed at him. He will be a registered sex offender before you can blink.

[NoMagicBullet]

Genuine love, with a 14 Year old does not mean anything to the judge if convicted of statuary rape!

 

So true. He will be a registered sex offender for life. He will have to register every place he lives or face going to jail for not registering. His name will be in a searchable database accessible to the public (in some states, anyway). Every prospective employer will know about it. He can forget about ever having certain jobs beacuse of it.

 

The fact that she abuses him will likely not mitigate any of it, if the courts even believe it. Speaking of that, have you been able to save or document that Twitter feed? (I don't do Twitter, so I don't know.) Even though you don't want to confront him with it, maybe it's time to confront him directly that you know she abuses him, that it's wrong, and that he doesn't deserve that.

 

I don't know -- maybe there are DV resources out there that can give better advice. If there is a DV support group out there, it might be a good idea to go and get the opinion of some professionals.

[Radu]

The thing that scares me is that abusers increase their abuse when they feel that their victim is slipping away.

 

I'm worried that she will actually go and report him herself if he tries to break up with her.

 

Did you talk to a lawyer ?

[alvitdk]

Thank you guys/ladies for you suggestions.

 

Yes, we did confront him with all of it, I did save all the twitter messages, and he knows that we know she is abusive towards him. He keeps making excuses for her....just like you see in the movies. He is so co-depended, it's scary. Being that she is a minor does not make it any easier, and that her mother is fully committed to their relationship is just incomprehensible. She is enabling them in any way, has a good time going with them rafting, the movies and even on a 1 week vacation, let alone have him sleep over.

 

He recently broke up with her and she texted him she will kill herself. He called the police to her house to check on her. Afterwards the police came to our house to see her suicidal text messages and asked him if he has or had sexual contact with her. He denied it (and maybe it's true, I really dont know) and the cops told him "correct answer, otherwise we would have taking him in".

I know it is not illegal to date as long as they dont have sex, and he tells me they don't, but it's still scary.

 

He said he is fully aware of the consequences if they would engage in sexual activities, but I'm not so sure if he REALLY does.

 

Anyway, I hope once he starts college in 3 weeks, he might find a girls in a appropriate age and it will all blow over, but there is still the thread that she might call "rape" if he brakes up again.

 

But I know that if anything like that happens, I will get a lawyer, not necessary for him but to sue her mother for enabling and making it even possible. She has five kids, one in juvi for robbery, one pregnant with 15, one 14 Year old with my son and two little ones with a very dimm future, maybe she should get them taken away for protection.

[alvitdk]

Just wait until her mom gets pissed at him. He will be a registered sex offender before you can blink.

 

Thanks, very helpful

[KathyM]

I hope you've explained to him all the repercussions there will be if the gf or her mom decides to report him for statutory rape. That's a scary thing to have to be registered as a sex offender. And make sure he realizes that he must always use condoms with her, no matter if she is on the pill or uses some other birth control. And you may want to have a discussion with him about how his life would change and what the financial cost would be to raise a child. Kids don't usually think in concrete terms about the consequences, and are often in denial that it would happen to them until it's too late. So I would suggest you make sure he is well informed of the potential consequences of what he is doing, without getting angry or combative, and try to guide him towards creating a life for himself--looking at colleges with him or discussing career plans, and try to get him interested in some other activities that will enhance his life--possibly buy him a gym membership--anything that will distract him into focusing on his own future. Right now, he feels his life is all about her, and as his parent, you need to guide him into a future that is focusing on his own goals and interests. So stop the combativeness, the threats, the drama. That is only making him want her more. Help him to focus on his future goals and his own interests so that she will have less of a hold on him, and then hope that they will break up eventually. Don't miss an opportunity to plant a few subconscious ideas into his head that might help him see his relationship with her in a negative way, but you have to be very subtle about it, in a way that he thinks you are on his side. He needs to see you as his ally in this triangle--the one who has his best interests at heart. If you are combative with him, he will see her as the ally and you as the enemy, and your influence will be minimal. I know what it feels like when your son chooses a gf that you don't think is good for him. I was eventually able to get my son to see his gf for what she was--an entitled, controlling, princess, but I was able to do it because I backed off and tried to maintain a position as ally to him, and subtly point out some things that enabled him to see her for what she was, so that he came to the decision himself that she was like that. If you fight with him, with her, or the mother, you will lose this battle, and he will be drawn even closer to her. You have to maintain your position as his biggest ally, and the one who loves him and has his best interests at heart. Good luck.

[veggirl]

I am confused, does your son live with you? Cause you said he has a curfew. If he lives with you, it doesn't matter if he is 18, it is your house and your rules. Give him an earlier curfew, tell him he can only go out one night a week...whatever it is. Does he have a car? do you pay for it? take his keys away.