FEMALES, Please Read...I want to get her back!!!!!!

[Stupidme]

My story in a nutshell. I dated my ex girlfreind for two great years!! We talked about marriage and looked at houses together and the whole nine yards. However, I have realized I have commitment issues and have hurt her three times because I broke things off. The first break was not even a day, the second break wasa two weeks and we got back together. I went to see a realationship therapist twice, but stopped seeing her when we got back togther. That stopped the pain of being apart, but did not fix the problem at hand. This last time I broke things off to finally deal with this, i have admitted I have commitment issues to where I could not give 100% of myself to her...so I ended things. I did not end things because I did not lover her, I ended things to work on me, so she could benefit when the time was right.

 

It has been two months and 7 sessions later, and I fully understand what has to happen for me to face my fear. The problem is she has been hurt so many times by me ending things that she will not get back with me right now. I love her so very much and want to give her what she deserves....for the last month and a half we have been talking and going to lunch, everytime she feels herself getting close again she backs off. her best friend set her up with this other guy, and she has been seeing him also, which hurts so bad i cant stand it. I told her that it is going to be very hard for us to have contact if she is with this other guy. It just hurts so bad to talk with her when all I am doing is thinking about how she feels about this guy. She started seeing him 2 weeks after we broke up for the third time. She still tells me that i am the only guy she knew right away that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, so how does that just go away. I am still seeing the relationship therapist for myself, but also to show her how much I love her to work this out. She will not admit to me that she is even dating this guy, she just says they are hanging out. What the hell does that mean??

They always go out on the weekends and drink, I know she has shacked with him, but don't know abot the sex thing. She was over here with me two weeks ago and we made great love...she got up a 5:30 and tells me she has to leave because she did not want her roomate to know she was over here. She told me to be patient with her and she is really confused. She said she could trust me again, but did not know if she could trust herself. Things would not be that bad if it was not for this other guy. I tried to tell her that as long as she sees him we cant really have any contact, it just hurts to bad...that lasted 4 days, she called on saturday night and we talked for hour and half about the fourth plans, and she was going to bring her new boy toy to the pool party...What is she doing to me and what is the best way to respond to this...I cannot go on feeling this awful pain in my stomach every minute of everyday...I still sit by the phone waiting for it to ring...Somebody please give some advice on this...She always tells me that she is so proud of me for doing what I am doing, which is fixing myself...but she cannot go back right now...it is too soon..and she wants to be single for now...i am so confused and wonder how can she even look at another guy with attraction, when I cannot fathom dating right now..it would be unfair to me and the other person...I just want to love her the way she needs to be loved....PLEASE HELP!!

[jmargel]

You need to give her an ultamatium and stick to it. If she wants to be single and see this other guy, then you have to let her go. She knows you been to the sessions and continue going and it might be suitable for you to ask her to go along with you if she's interested. This may allivate some of the fear she is having in going back with you.

 

Stop waiting by the phone to ring. Get yourself together with other friends and go out. Stop punishing yourself over this. Let the responsibility of the decision lie with her. If she's having sex with you & still shacking up with him, then she is playing both of you. This is the wrong time for you to be put into any sort of games.

[jw32802]

Ok "stupid me" lol.....Dont beat yourself up too much. Sometimes it takes losing someone to know what you lost, and you actually have all the girls on here wishing their guy would realize it. And believe me, I think a separation is the best thing for every relationship, even if you both date after you separate. get the book "makeup dont breakup" by Bonnie Eaker Weil. I can give you the link if you want to email me. I know from a girls point of view, it rips your heart out when the guy you love breaks your heart, and after so many times, we feel this wall go up. WE may run to find another guy just to soothe the pain, the main reason we rebound is because we NEED to see that there are other guys out there and we need our ego boosted a bit. I think once you get to know your rebound, you start to compare everything about them, and you make a decision in your heart who you love most. I wouldn't worry about this other guy, as long as you are being YOU. Dont be mean, tell her you UNDERSTAND why she ran to someone else, etc. she cant defend herself when you are agreeing with her, and most people tear down their wall when you "understand them" and when you are in agreement. Put yourself in her shoes. I am in your situation but reversed sort of. I broke up with MY GUY because he acted the way you did. he pulled away, then called, then pulled then came back and i couldnt deal with it. I think he (and you) are CP's; if you are getting therapy you probably know that, read about it on the lifted hearts website and you will know if thats you, its a great ebook. id love to talk to you one on one, because i think i could help you, because i know what id want MY GUY TO DO to get me backk and yes in the beginning i wouldnt take him back either, he'd have to show change. i think she'd take you back but you have to go about it the right way. dont be clingy but dont back off too much. One thing i do know, is that NO ONE can change how you feel or who you fall in love with. If she loves you, she loves you. Another guy cant make her love you any more or less, only she can. So if you do it right, you can keep her loving you.

A few questions,

1. why did you break it off? what was going thru your head ?

2. did you think she was going to stick around and in part, is that why it didnt bother you to break it off?

3. what made you realize she is the one? did you meet other girls and compare?

4. how long did it take for you to realize shes the one?

[ilovececi]

Hey,

That's awsome that you actually tried to get help for your commitment problem. A lot of people wouldn't want to. It's a lot of work too. I know you love her. That's obvious. Just make sure that she gets rid of this guy. If she doesn't she's using you both! And what ever you do, DON"T have sex with her again. That will complicate things so much! Emotionally. It'll make you feel worse as long as she's not with you. And what if she's doing the other guy?! That's a sick thought. You'd be "unwillingly" sharing your girl with that dickhead!

If she loved you that jerk would be gone by now. So it's obvious she has feelings for you, very strong feelings for you, but she's not set on you. If you hurt her, she has him to fall back on. If you guys get in to an argument or anything like that, she knows she has him to lean on. So really, all you can do is be the sweetest guy she's ever met. If nothing changes after a few weeks, then tell her she has to get rid of him, if not. Tell her it's over. Give it some time, and she'll realize what she had and come back to you.

People never know what they have until it's gone.... I lost my one true love... I had never been in love until she was gone... So I can tell you that it works from experience... Anyway, good luck man.

Derek

[jw32802]

Derek, what happened with you? You didnt know you loved her till she was gone??

[Olivia_19742004]

I disagree with the "just get rid of this guy" theory. First of all this woman went back to this man two times after he ended the relationship. She gave him two chances to make things right and he pushed her away once again. She doesn't owe him anything and in my opinion she's giving him more than most women would give him. He has no right to give her any ultimatum. He's the one that screwed up and if she isn't ready to date then he'll either have to be patient and see if she'll come around or move on himself.

 

Haven't any of you heard about dating? There is nothing wrong with this woman dating two men at once and quite honestly you have do not have a committed relationship with her and it's none of your busies who she is sleeping with. Why should she just suddenly jump back to this man because he decides now he's ready for a commitment. After he already rejected her twice! Why should she end something with someone else just because her ex suddenly thinks he's got his **** together and can make things right? I think the good ole' pat on the back is great for you seeking therapy but just because you're ready now doesn't mean she has to be ready.

 

You may still be her great love. You may still be the only man she wanted to be with. But you ****ed up. Now you just want her to jump at another chance? I'd be cautious if I were her, too and I certainly wouldn't let you back into my life so you could snap your fingers and say, "hey get rid of that other guy. I'm back in the picture"..

[Bubbles]

Sounds to me like this young man needs to do a lot of growing up and to tell you the truth he will NEVER do it if this girl is still in the picture. He needs to see his counsillor to get instruction on his committment issues "in general". Not see the counsillor and seek how to overcome his committment issues and be all mixed with his jealousy and breaking-up issues..........

 

I think that Stupidme should spend some time on himself. Stop calling this young lady and let her get-on with her healing. He has hurt her very much! Holy Geez! I know how I felt when I was dumped because of someone else's "committment issues" and it's NOT NICE! It's a horrible feeling. I felt like I was not good enough for him to want to stay with me let alone marry me. Stupidme has taken a hammer to this girls ego and beat on it. He needs to recognize what he did, admit it out loud and never do it again....to any-one! and just because he is on the road to recovery and has realized what he has done does not mean that this girl will heal as quickly.

 

Stupidme........focus on yourself! If she really cares about you.....she will be back. If she never comes back then at least you have learned about your committment issues and how to avoid feeling like that for the NEXT TIME you fall in love.

 

Bubbles

[jw32802]

Stupid me

any updates?