When to give up supporting an addict

[mldavis27804]

I have dated a man for 4 years. He is 59 and I am 44.

 

When we met, he had ended a 35 year marriage on bad terms with his wife. He had repeatedly cheated on his wife during their marriage. She knew of the affairs but remained with him. He fathered a child with another woman during this marriage. He has two grown sons from his marriage and he has no relationship with them due to the divorce. I have never met any of his children.

 

About 1 1/2 years ago, I discovered he cheated on me. He claimed he was a sex addict and began attending SAA meetings. He saw a counselor. This lasted about 6 or 7 months.

 

I discovered a week ago that he has cheated on me again and had cheated on me last summer but now he is having sex with men. He either posts or answers posts on CL. He exchanges information with these men, photos, then they either meet at his place or their place for sex. Photos have been taken of them having sex and posted on internet sites.

 

When I confronted him, it was the usual denial routine. I showed him the physical evidence that I have (i.e. photos) and he got mad, screamed, etc. Then he reverted to "I am an addict" and I'll get help, etc.

 

He tells me that he cheats with men because he knows no relationship will develop with these men since it is only sex. He told me it was okay if I had sex with women but I couldn't have sex with men. I'm not interested in having sex with anyone else . . . including him at this point.

 

I do not trust him. I want to trust him but he lies too much. He doesn't seem to be ashamed by his actions. His family, friends, clients, me - we have seen these photos of him having sex with men, etc.

 

I look at him and I see a man who has nothing and no one. I am angry that I planned a future with a man who does not care about anyone else but himself. He makes no effort to control his addiction. All the time he spent trolling the internet, picking a sex partner, traveling to met him, taking photos, posting photos . . . . and not once did he call his sponsor, call another SAA member or take any step to stop his actions.

 

My question is . . . when do you stop supporting an addict? And, how?

[dreamingoftigers]

You stop NOW

 

I am married to a sexual addict.

 

He is in recovery.

 

Addiction is not an excuse, ticket or opportunity.

 

Addiction means that as an addict you take more responsibility for yourself and your urges and RECOVER from them. and NOT intermittently! NOT JUST WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT. AND NOT JUST WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT.

 

Knowing that you are a sexual addict and then doing squat about it is worse then just cheating and messing around because you are a horse's ass. It means that you are aware of the damage you are inflicting upon yourself and others but you just want to escape it by using the same thing you know causes the damage to begin with.

 

You yourself need to do some reading and figure out why the Hell you ended up with Bromeo here. I have no comment on homosexuality. I don't care what other people do with consenting other people as long as it doesn't harm anyone else. But you had better get checked for STDs and get your boundaries in place. seriously girl.

 

Dealing with an addict demands stronger boundaries, not weaker ones.

 

Be upset. Be upset as all HELL. Let him get away scot-free, whatever. LIfe pisses you off. BUT DO NOT CONTINUE TO LET SOMEONE YOU ARE DATING CONTINUE TO INFLICT DAMAGE ON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM ETC.

 

He probably is suffering and has had a ****ty life. Making your life ****ty too isn't going to help him.

 

Let's say you had a friend and the two of you went out for the afternoon. it starts to rain and your friend slips and falls in the mud.

 

How do you help your friend?

 

Do you ask them to cover you in mud?

 

Do you get down in the mud puddle with them and sit there hoping that your friend will take the initiative and pull you both out?

 

Or do you extend a hand and when your friend refuses and tries to pull you down with them, back away and go do your own thing?

 

The last one doesn't look helpful, but it is. All your friend needs to do is get up and follow you instead of sitting in the damn puddle trying to get mud all over you too.

 

damn poor analogy. just get my point.

[dreamingoftigers]

How:

 

1) "You know what? You cheated on me more and again and again. I ain't dealing with this **** anymore. Don't call me until you are working your program full-on, sober for six months and ready to do a polygraph disclosure. Then we'll TALK about the POSSIBILITY of getting back together. and I want my ****ing DVDs back."

 

He'll throw you under the bus, "you're being controlling, fine then, you smell like garlic anyway blah blah blah." Or he might just disappear and replace you.

 

2) Untangle yourself completely financially

 

3) Go get your hair done and go for some hikes and a spa weekend.

 

4) **** the pool boy (optional)

 

5) Spend more time with your girlfriends. If you don't have girlfriends, join some kind of hobby group and make some.

 

6) Read Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend.

 

7) Don't read what I am writing as mean: just run run run run run from a sexual addict not in proper recovery! By the way, SA much more effective then SAA.

 

You might also want to tell him about Laser Centers for Health in Victoria BC doing a treatment for sexual addiction, helped husband cut down urges 80%.

 

And EMDR therapy.

 

Then RUN.

[mldavis27804]

He is lucky that he lives in an area where there are daily SAA meetings. He had a sponsor last year. He has names and telephone numbers of SAA members whom he can call. He listed his triggers. I don't know much about addiction but, in my opinion, he has resources available to work on, deal with and cope with his addiction.

 

Not once did he reach out to anyone.

 

I hate and resent his comments to me. He tells me to stop playing the victim role. Stop being upset about it. That I need to accept that he is a sex addict and that he will have lapses.

 

I can't focus on anything else in my life right now. I keep running through my head all the planning and time he puts into meeting someone. What else has he lied to me about? How many people has he slept with? Why did I allow myself to build a relationship and plan a future with him?

[dreamingoftigers]

He is lucky that he lives in an area where there are daily SAA meetings. He had a sponsor last year. He has names and telephone numbers of SAA members whom he can call. He listed his triggers. I don't know much about addiction but, in my opinion, he has resources available to work on, deal with and cope with his addiction.

 

Not once did he reach out to anyone.

 

I hate and resent his comments to me. He tells me to stop playing the victim role. Stop being upset about it. That I need to accept that he is a sex addict and that he will have lapses.

 

I can't focus on anything else in my life right now. I keep running through my head all the planning and time he puts into meeting someone. What else has he lied to me about? How many people has he slept with? Why did I allow myself to build a relationship and plan a future with him?

 

Arg.

 

So he gave you the usual sexual-addict-clearly-not-in-recovery platitudes.

 

Here's the thing: you know how a regular, good-time dating relationship works (at least I assume so), you are 44. Now, what he is asking you to understand is that even though relationships work this way on Planet Earth, his is from Planet Sodom and you need to do things his way.

 

Now, IF, he was some kind of alien ambassador it MIGHT be KIND OF interesting for A LITTLE BIT, but right now he doesn't even have that going on. He's just an emotional abuser trying to use a flawed premise so he doesn't have to feel ashamed about his bull****.

 

I'll be completely honest, when I was younger I had some compulsive maturbating issues, I went to group (SA) for a bit, got my stuff under control etc.

 

The guys in that group werent all "lapse free" but their hearts were in it. You can see the very obvious difference of how they try to respect their spouses. No one their, that is in active recovery says "I have this issue and I get to do what I want and they have to shut up about it."

 

You have been a victim of lying etc. You have been a victim. You aren't "acting" like one, he's victimizing you.

 

The only choice you have at the point is if you cut him off to make him stop.

Or you go along with it and hope you don't get an STD.

 

But really though, I know the gravitational power these guys have, they will kick the **** out of your self-esteem. They really have the ability to make you think "I must be crazy, he did TELL me he was a sexual addict, he did tell me that he would have lapses."

 

Honesty (and I use the term loosely here) is not the end of recovery. Could you imagine the just tell every SA that they have to announce what they did/attempted inbrhe weekend and every partner would have to accept it? Craziness. Honesty and disclosure are the BEGINNING of recovery and it says right in group about not dumping your crap on your partner until you are sufficiently ready to deal with your issues and they are sufficiently ready to hear it. Did he make sure both he and you had been for the counseling to prepare yourself to hear it? Or did he just dump the info on it to assauge his own guilt?

 

Guess what? He COULD HAVE SLIPS, this guys is LIVING IN RELAPSE. And if he's not reaching out to anyone, there's your answer right there.

 

(I'll answer about living with a sexual addict maybe later today I have to get ready to go)

[betterdeal]

He tells me to stop playing the victim role. Stop being upset about it. That I need to accept that he is a sex addict and that he will have lapses.

 

Or what, exactly? What are the consequences of not doing as he tells you? Will he hit you? Berate you more? Throw you out? Shout at you?

 

You see how abusive these orders are?

Edited July 11, 2012 by betterdeal

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually, even right there.

 

"Stop feeling ______ about this"

 

is very invalidating.

 

Anyone who close to the age of 60 who is invalidating the fact that you are having an emotional reaction to him sleeping with a bunch of other people and lying about it, is not relationship material.

 

Get rid of him, like, yesterday.

 

You are dating, no children with him. There is no need whatsoever to expose yourself to his garbage.

 

If you do want him in the future, tell him that you will take him back after xyz amount of proven sobriety. Even then, you know that you'll be looking over your shoulder.

 

Because once they lie and lie and smack you upside the head with the "truth" and then invalidate the heck out of you, you'll never quite be the same.

 

My husband and I have a daughter together. If he wasn't going beyond the Moon to work on this, at this point, after all of the garbage he put me through, he can take a flying leap.

 

That's isn't mean. It's life.

 

It means that you trust the person you love to make responsible choices regarding their own happiness.

 

This is his pathetic way of showing you "I am to weak to tell you that I am not capable of having an ordinary intimate relationship and I refuse to stop seeking out my sexual gratification. Please stop bothering me about it."

[betterdeal]

If you had a cleaner and they kept crapping in the fridge, you'd sack them, right?

 

Your happiness, your well-being, your heart, your life are not to be shat on, right?