A complete mess

[A_Lost_Cause]

Hello all. I don't know where to really start, as I've found myself in a horrible situation.

 

Anyway, a few months ago out of frustration and irritation with how my dating life has gone, I ended up stupidly responding to a casual encounters ad on craigslist. I met this gorgeous, beautiful young woman, and she explained to me that she was in an open marriage, and that she was looking for a casual partner while her husband was with his other partner. I ended up going along with it, met her husband and the casual sex relationship began. As I began to get to know her more and more, it became clear that the relationship with her husband wasn't going very well at all.

 

She began telling me a lot of things, and sort of twisted things to make her husband out to be this uncaring, emotionally abusive monster. She told me she didn't like the open marriage thing, and really only went with it because she was afraid of him cheating. She also told me he was never around, and generally ignored her with their three kids ( yes, there's three kids involved in this mess). More or less, she used me for my sympathy.

 

Anyway, as things continued, emotions naturally developed between the two of us, she fell in love with me, I fell in love with her, and this nightmare all started. Eventually, her husband starting to suspect it, and one night we all got way too drunk and there was a huge argument between her and her husband. Things escalated, and the husband confronted me about the situation, and asked me to sit down and talk with the three of them. I explained to him all the things she told me, that she didn't think he cared and that she was forced into this situation.

 

Talking with the husband, I realized he wasn't quite as bad as she made him out to be. I wouldn't say she lied to me, but she did embellish on many things and he even explained to me that he'd NEVER cheat on her, and that all she had to do was ask and this would all stop. In his mind, he doesn't feel that he mistreats her, and that he's not this horrible person she seems to make him out to be.

 

After I told him about the feeling between us, and that she told me she "loved" me, he confronted her about it, telling her it's the worst thing that she could have done to him, and that he couldn't stay with her anymore. Now there's this horrible mess, I've stopped talking to her and I've been trying to convince him not to leave her. I feel absolutely horrible about this situation, and talking with her husband about this I've come to the conclusion that this is just a communication issue between them, and that no one is really to blame.

 

The husband has been quite nice and sympathetic to me about the entire situation, and I feel like an absolute monster now. I'm trying everything I can to fix this mess, trying to talk with him so he doesn't leave her. I know it isn't any of my business, but this all started with me and I feel like I need to do anything in my power to fix it. I'm just not sure what to do. I feel totally responsible for this.

[Ladydrib]

Oh my. I feel a little guilty but better at the same time. I thought my situation was a mess!

 

When I read your story the thing that keeps jumping out at me is how you feel responsible and have become a tangled thread within this dysfunctional fabric. I think there is more to it than you are caught in a mess. I think you could have something internal to you that needs to be addressed with a good therapist. And then you have this gigantic mess on top of whatever problem that may be, compounding the pain and confusion. It's one thing to get involved in a messy relationship situation, but it's an entirely different level to feel responsible and to become the referee between a really dysfunctional marriage.

 

Stop making it your problem. Simply say goodbye to the husband and the wife. Tell them you made a big mistake getting involved. Do not worry about what will happen between them. And get in therapy.

 

I'm sorry you ended up in this mess. You will get out.

[A_Lost_Cause]

I think part of the reason it's so hard too is because there's so many mixed emotions here. There's the overbearing guilt and I'm also heartsick at the same time.

 

I've always been the guy that's always been very shy and timid around girls. It's always been an issue with me. When I met this girl, we bounded because we have so much in common. We both grew up as the awkward, timid loner, who was too shy to reach out to people. We both dealt with the same ugly duckling to swan mentality after getting out of high school. Even worse, everything about her fit what I look for, even right down to how she looked. It's as if God decided to pull the blueprints of my perfect, ideal girl and stick her right there in front of me to completely screw with me. There was no stopping it, I completely fell head over heals for her.

 

That's another reason this is so hard for me. I'm trying to do the right thing, regardless of how I feel about her. I'm still very much in love with her, but I know I have to step out of the equation. The guilt is crushing me, and I'm also worried about her welfare. I'm worried about splitting up a family.

[skywriter]

I'm trying to do the right thing, regardless of how I feel about her.

 

 

A_Lost_Cause,

 

It sounds like you fit the profile that most, if not all of us that find ourselves in an A do.

 

Trying to "fix", or be what we believe these people need.

 

We all have to realise it isn't our responsibility or even within our power to do this for anyone.

 

We'd do well to take these off of the pedestals that we put them on too.

 

I'm not implying we are victims, just caught up in situations that we shouldn't be involved in.

 

I hope you can realise, these matial problems were there long before you came, and will be there after you are gone.

[woinlove]

The husband has been quite nice and sympathetic to me about the entire situation, and I feel like an absolute monster now. I'm trying everything I can to fix this mess, trying to talk with him so he doesn't leave her. I know it isn't any of my business, but this all started with me and I feel like I need to do anything in my power to fix it. I'm just not sure what to do. I feel totally responsible for this.

 

I'd stop trying to convince her H not to leave her. If this is a deal breaker for him, that his choice. Why does she want to stay married anyway, given how she describes her H? Has she explained that to you?

[A_Lost_Cause]

She wants to stay with him because they have three kids, two cars, and a house and she doesn't want the family torn apart. I'm not saying what she did was a good thing; she certainly tugged at my heart strings for attention. I know she has some serious issues. In her mind I don't think she ever meant to hurt me though. The problem is I gave her the attention her husband doesn't, and she clung to it. She feels bad about it, too. I think she has some serious mental health problems that can only be resolved with counseling.

[woinlove]

She wants to stay with him because they have three kids, two cars, and a house and she doesn't want the family torn apart. I'm not saying what she did was a good thing; she certainly tugged at my heart strings for attention. I know she has some serious issues. In her mind I don't think she ever meant to hurt me though. The problem is I gave her the attention her husband doesn't, and she clung to it. She feels bad about it, too. I think she has some serious mental health problems that can only be resolved with counseling.

 

Very poor reasons to stay married. Bringing deceit and deception into your children's' home can be much worse than a divorce handled with integrity and respect. But, the fact that she wants to stay married for the wrong reasons is her problem not yours. Her H could very well be right in thinking that divorce is best in their situation.

[A_Lost_Cause]

I told her that the situation she's in isn't good for a family. I asked her, if things are this way now, what will they be like in another ten years? Do you really think that's a good environment for children? Honestly, I think the main reason she stays is fear. She married very young and he's literally all she knows. There's another thing; she's currently jobless. She's had some rough circumstances with the previous companies she worked for. Her first job, she managed for a realty company, and she had to leave because the owner was caught by the irs stealing money and not putting it on the books. Then after that, she worked at another job for six months. One day her boss asked her to go to lunch with him. She declined, then two hours later she was fired by that very same boss. She's currently going through a sexual harassment lawsuit with that guy, too.

[skywriter]

A_Lost_Cause,

 

I think that you cannot be her savior.

 

She has to want to help herself. She found a nice guy and she's milking the nice guy.

 

The only thing you need to fix, is your involvement with this couple. Become uninvoved. You'll probably feel like a huge burden has been lifted, when you do.

[A_Lost_Cause]

A_Lost_Cause,

 

I think that you cannot be her savior.

 

She has to want to help herself. She found a nice guy and she's milking the nice guy.

 

The only thing you need to fix, is your involvement with this couple. Become uninvoved. You'll probably feel like a huge burden has been lifted, when you do.

 

I think you're right. I still don't blame her though. I know she feels bad about the whole situation. I can't count how many times she apologized to me previously. But I'm certainly stepping away from it. If her marriage works out, great for her, if not the ball is in her court if she decides she wants to pursue me. But I'm not reaching out to her again, and I won't get involved with her unless she's divorced and her marriage problems are sorted out.

 

At least I found a silver lining in the clouds; I was recently called for my first post college interview, so now I can happily focus on my career and put my mind on that. It's amazing how one good thing can pop up in life and make you feel much better. I'll put my energy towards that instead of worrying about this.

[skywriter]

At least I found a silver lining in the clouds; I was recently called for my first post college interview, so now I can happily focus on my career and put my mind on that. It's amazing how one good thing can pop up in life and make you feel much better. I'll put my energy towards that instead of worrying about this.

 

Wow! I'm am so happy for you. You sound like a marvelous person and I hope the doors start opening for you with good people that will appreciate you for you!

 

I wish you all the best in life.

[A_Lost_Cause]

At least I found a silver lining in the clouds; I was recently called for my first post college interview, so now I can happily focus on my career and put my mind on that. It's amazing how one good thing can pop up in life and make you feel much better. I'll put my energy towards that instead of worrying about this.

 

Wow! I'm am so happy for you. You sound like a marvelous person and I hope the doors start opening for you with good people that will appreciate you for you!

 

I wish you all the best in life.

 

Thanks. I certainly hope so. For all people that have told me how wonderful and cute I am, I sure haven't had very much luck with the opposite sex. Hopefully that luck will get better.

[skywriter]

A_Lost_Cause,

 

I know exactly where you're coming from. If I had a dollar for everytime I've heard, "why are you alone?", "Why don't you have a boyfriend?", and many more questions, I'd take a day off with pay. LOL!

 

With a good bit of reflection. I've come to realise that has alot to do with me. I haven't put myself out there. Even if I've gone to outings with friends, I'm not making myself approachable. I don't make eye contact or start conversations with others. I'm closed off and apparently I have trust issues.

 

So, I realise that I have some things to work on within myself. I also realise this is all or at least in part because I've made the choice to be involved in unhealthy relationships and I'm afraid that I will put myself there again. I don't want that, so I just don't go there.