- really struggling to get over breakup

[CBB81]

Hi, I am new to the forum, my ex, who I lived with broke up with me at the end of April this year, now it is is July and I am still absolutely distraught, I need a kick up the backside and for others to help me take off my rose tinted glasses and make me see I am better off without him.

 

Apologies for the length of this message, I have tried to explain the 'main' bad things that happened.. there is more but this is the worst bits..

 

We were together from July 2011 until the end of April this year. I am 30 (female) and he is 33. We lived together in his house and I'd moved quite a long way from my hometown to live with him. In hindsight I moved in with him too fast - end of September - but cannot change that now. It transpired that my ex had some very serious mental health issues and quite soon after moving in I noticed that even in the slightest conflict he would become VERY verbally irrational, abusive and then would take his anger out on inanimate objects, these ranged from thrown glasses across the room (not at me, the anger and frustration seemed to be within himself), he pushed over a huge shelving unit, he smashed a glass photo frame over his own head in frustration.

 

Between christmas and new year he became verbally abusive and when I tried to (verbally) defend myself he started throwing tins of tomatoes in my general direction with such force that the tin burst and went all over me and all over the wall, then he pulled his CD rack off the wall - it was bolted to the wall!! - and smashed a load of CD's and then threw my home made christmas cake on the floor, I called the police as I he was going berzerk but because it was his house they couldnt - didn't - do anything other than advise me to go and stay elsewhere for the night.

 

Things were OK for a few weeks, but then in mid/end January, I found out that he'd been hiding some pretty bad stuff from me, he had some very odd/disturbing fetishes which I found out about just after I met him but he promised me at that time that he would stop doing what he was doing. He also promised he'd stop because by December we had a joint bank account and the thing he did cost quite a bit of money and he knew that even though we had no money worries, I'd see these things on the bank statement - so I think it must have become very frustrating that he couldn't get involved to quite the same extent, but I found out that he'd still been doing other things, it was the lying I couldn't cope with. I hit the roof, and told him how betrayed I felt, he reacted by pushing over the dining table, huge thing that could seat six people, then he grabbed some bottles of water which were on the side and started throwing them in my direction, unfortunately behind me, on the wall was a big framed picture and one of the bottles hit the picture, the glass shattered, a shard of it landed in my foot and my foot started bleeding quite a lot. I was pretty upset at this point and I called the police, they came out, took statements of us both, and arrested him. I spent a night in A&E, he spent a night in a police cell but I didnt have him charged because I didnt have the heart to, he'd have ended up losing his job and his career was everything to him.

 

The next morning I seriously did consider leaving him but by this time I had also got a really good job offer and I was due to start this job in early Feb. (when I originally moved up there, I'd been doing some temp work), So I saw lots of reasons to stay, also by this point he'd referred himself for some counselling - he said his issues stemmed from being bullied as a kid and the resulting low self esteem - he had a very low opinion of himself - and had done for many years. Every time he had an "emotional outburst" this is the term his counsellor would give to his problems, he would be absolutely mortified afterwards, apologising, begging me not to leave him - we also had a good life in terms of having a nice house, a lot of financial stability due to the joint bank account and his very good job. He had been single and living alone for a long time and was very independant and career-driven but when it came to his emotions, he completely buried them and wasn't bought up to show his feelings - his parents were big on pushing their 3 sons academically but emotions just got bottled up and never dealt with, hence the reason why my ex was the way he was, I think.

 

So we stumbled along, due to his massive levels of irrational anxiety about even the smallest things, we had a fair few arguements, he did all kinds of things during his outbursts, he once emptied my clothes out of the wardrobe and threw them down the stairs and then got his man-bits out and tried to urinate over them, he emptied my jewellery box over the bedroom floor, squirted a tube of my hair serum all over the bed, and one time when I was sweeping up glass/food etc up from the dining room floor after one of his outbursts, he came in and took the dustpan and brush over me and tipped the contents of it over my head.

 

In mid-Feb he had the next big outburst, we'd had a really silly arguement about the state of the spare bedroom but he always took things REALLY personally and this time he reacted by storming around upstairs and then he went into the bathroom and proceeded to smash up some plastic drawers we used to keep toiletries in, in the process of doing this he destroyed most of the contents of my makeup bag, about £70-100 worth of stuff, toiletries etc, there was plastic and stuff everywhere I couldnt believe what I was seeing, he then fell to his knees, sobbing, and used a bit of the broken plastic to make several large cuts in his wrists, and then he swallowed half a bottle of shower gel. I did not know what to do I couldnt believe what he had done, so I called an ambulance, they came out and checked him over but (as usual) by this point he had calmed down, looking ashamed of himself, so the paramedics just cleaned up his cuts and checked his blood pressure and other things, advised me to look for somewhere else to live and for him to seek help, and left us alone. As usual he was mortified, couldnt stop apologising, we both led such busy lives job wise and socially that we kind of papered over each outburst and tried to get back to normal.

 

I think looking back I was in some kind of denial because on the outside, he was a very quiet, sweet, successful, educated person and no one would have believed me if I'd told them, I was also absolutely nuts about him and loved him more than I thought it was possible to love someone and we had so much good stuff going for us (shared dreams, the resources to make them happen, etc) that I thought we would always survive the bad stuff, believe me tho I had threatened to leave before - who wouldn't - but he was always so ashamed of his behaviour and said he loved me so much so I never did leave.

 

I had made friends in the village we lived in, got involved with a hobby with him and become friends with his oldest friends and he very much made me welcome into his life. By this point we'd also redecorated the lounge, when I moved into his house it was a total man cave but he said he wanted to make it into a nice home for us and things were starting to come together in that sense.

 

Things didnt get any better with his outbursts, though, and it almost became normal for me to be sweeping up after he had smashed/thrown stuff around, once I stood on some glass which must have been left over from the outburst when he was arrested, and had to go to the docs to get it removed from my toe.

 

At the end of March, we had booked a day off work together, it was the first anniversary of my beloved Nan's passing away I knew this would be an emotional day for me so he said why don't we go for a drive, stop somewhere for lunch and take your mind off it.. but whilst we were out that day, we'd stopped in a lovely town in the Peak District, for those of you from England, things were going fine, we were having a browse round the shops when he noticed we were nearly up on our time on the parking metre, I saw a little purse in a shop window I wanted to buy so I said to him ok you go back to the car and I will see you there in a few minutes, so literally not even 10 mins later I was walking back to the car, when I heard this loud shouting person calling my name, I turned round and it was him - he was going CRAZY.. saying I was making him wait and was trying to make him look stupid?! I quickly realised that he was having an outburst in a very public place, so I said OK go and calm down, I will go for a walk and leave you to calm down cos people were starting to stop and stare at him.. but he wouldnt leave me, he followed me through the town shouting at me, then he threatened to go and throw himself in the path of an oncoming bus, he was going so mental that a passing Postman stopped and asked me if I needed any help. I told him firmly to LEAVE ME ALONE and go and wait in the car and I'd give him some time to calm down, eventually he di walk off, about half an hour later I made my own way back to the car but he'd disappeared, eventually he came back and found me sitting on a bench in the town centre, he did his usual thing of apologising profusely.. so I got in the car and we carried on with our day.

 

So the next month or so carried on, but at the end of April, it all changed, forever, the 24th April arrived, a normal day, we'd just had a lovely weekend, I was getting ready for work when out of the blue totally randomly he came stomping upstairs and told me I hadn't bought the "right" food for his packed lunches for work, I was a bit surprised and went downstairs with him to see what he was on about as as far as I was aware I'd bought what I usually bought for him... he the launched into verbal abuse, calling me a fat s***, told me I was lazy with no work ethic (er, I'm totally the opposite regarding that - yes I'm a bigger girl but he'd never had an issue with it, but a work ethic is something I have plenty of!) and again began to break things, this included his own mobile phone he smashed it on the floor into several bits.

 

(Then he took a knife out the drawer and tried to cut his wrists again, this was something he had tried to do before but never succeeded as they were only blunt knives and I'd had to grab a knife off him many times to stop him - the only time he'd gone through with it properly was the incident in the bathroom I mention above) .

 

I was terrified he was having a nervous breakdown cos he started sobbing uncontrollably and so I called his Dad - I'd got his parents involved before cos I literally did not know what to do to help him his parents live two hours drive away. His Dad just said "oh not again, we can do without this" and not much else.. anyway my ex again, apologised, begged me not to leave but I was really really upset cos he'd called me a fat s***, he told me it had been in the heat of the moment and he did not mean it, he said I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him and that he didnt want me to leave. he spend the next hour and a half apologising and crying.. I had to phone in sick to work and tell my boss I had a domestic emergency. Then there was a knock on the door, and it was his parents, they had driven down, they took my ex out the house, they were then gone for about an hour, then the 3 of them came back in and told me the relationship was over and that I had to go NOW. I was absoluitely shocked, I mean, I had a life there - a home, job, etc. I couldn't just leave?! But his Dad said look we do not blame you for any of this, our son is evidently very mentally ill but it is best for both of you if this relationship ends today. His dad said that I am too much of an emotional person, that it should have ended when I had their son arrested (er what was I supposed to do, just act like my foot bleeding and bleeding was just a normal daily occurrance?!) and also by this point my ex's attitude towards me had totally changed, he said he didnt want things to end BUT he knew he was not mentally a well man and he couldnt put me through this anymore. I also had to resign from my job that day because they gave me no time to try and arrange alternative accommodation which would have allowed me to stay in my job I had up there.

 

I started crying, I said I didnt want to go but they were insisting I left, I packed up some stuff, I called my Dad , (I'd told my parents some of what was going on by this point so it wasnt totally unexpected) and an hour or so later my Dad arrived and took me back to my hometown. It all happened so fast. I was in a total state in the days that followed, trying to call my ex constantly but he wouldnt answer, I was distraught at having to leave my job but there was no way I could have commuted the distance there from my parents house, no way at all. My ex was refusing to communicate with me.

 

I felt suicidal for about the first three days back at my parents house.. never felt so awful in my life.

 

That following weekend my mum and dad went up to his house to collect my belongings, (I didnt go with them I was in too much of a state) ...which my ex and his parents had packed up... unbelievably, on the day they kicked me out.. my ex had stood there and let his mum touch my personal things and pack them up.. my mum and dad said that when they got to the house, my ex and his dad were there and my ex was shaking and couldnt speak much but he did say it wasnt how he wanted things to be, that he loved me very much but he couldnt carry on putting me through all these outbursts, and the dad reiterated what he'd said to me on the day he dumped me.. that they knew my ex had issues from his childhood years, but he was evidently more mentally unwell than they had realised.

 

 

So its now July, I am lot better than I was, I am not crying every day but my goodness its been tough, I loved my job and I miss it SO much, i have since been doing some office admin temporary work but I miss my ex, believe it not, I miss the house, the security of what we had... I am struggling with being 30 and living back with my parents BUT i know this was esentially an abusive relationship.. regardless of the fact my ex is mentally very unstable, and it was only a matter of time before the outbursts extended into direct violence towards me.

 

I cannot believe that I was only with him for 9 months.

 

it feels like longer. I am struggling.

 

Since the breakup, I have spoken with various mutual friends, a lot of whom were shocked as by looking at our facebook pages, you wouldnt have had a clue what was going on, and the only people I'd told were my mum and dad - and I hadnt even told them the half of it, for obvious reasons. my mum and dad wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as they could see he was very loving towards me but they have since said that ,needless to say, if they had known the full extent of what was going on, they would never have welcomed him into their home.

 

I think I must have been in denial.. it seemed better than being alone.. and we did both want the same things..

 

Since found out from a couple of his friends that these outbursts go back a long way and that he'd "lost it" in public a few times in the past whilst doing his main hobby, which was something I'd got involved with.

 

I thought because his self esteem was so low, maybe if I stayed with him, he would realise he was loveable... but really, you cant help someone like that. he'd spent so long focussed on his career and materialistically he'd got everything but mentally, he was a ticking time-bomb and SO many feelings he had buried and I couldnt have helped him no matter how much love I showed him.

 

I am struggling to move on... stupidly I keep texting him begging for a conversation for closure cos I cannot seem to find the closure within myself, I think that talking to him might give me that, but he will not communicate with me.

 

I miss my job so much and yes I'm doing some temp work but I feel I lost everything Id worked towards. I feel betrayed cos he always said he would NEVER throw me out of his house cos he knew I'd built up a life in his town..but he did exactly that and in the process I lost everyhthing and now im living with my parents at the age of 30 when I should have been living my life with him :0(

 

Really really struggling and need some advice of how to move on, how to find closure and I NEED a reality check and for someone to tell me that I am better off without him!!

 

thank you for reading

[StarlaStardust]

Okay, I couldn't read all that, because I'm lazy and it WAS pretty long

Are you talking with a therapist? To stay with someone who acts like that repeatedly, and then to want to beg them to talk to you for your own closure, suggests your own self esteem issues lurking there.

[The Tallest One]

I really feel for you! You have to accept that you won't get the closure you want, you have to make peace with this in your own way. As far as a reality check, you are truly better off without him. Although I feel bad for him and his mental health issues, there is nothing you can do to help him and subjecting yourself to his abuse and possible physical harm is never worth it. It is obvious that he has severe psychological issues and until he gets professional help, he shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone.

 

I know how you feel about living with parents, trust me, try being 42 and having to return home after being married for years and having two children but also being in financial ruin. It's not easy for anyone. I was dumped two weeks ago from a woman I deeply loved and now I'm bored, lonely and restless.

 

In time you will come to realize that your life will get much better and you will find someone who is a better suit for you. As hard as this seems, you have to be strong and stay as positive as possible. You will get through this! Oh, and I did read your whole post, couldn't stop reading because I really hope you will be able to move forward. Take care!