The reason why many don't leave their marriage..

[daisy love]

As time goes on, I have read through many posts here and looked at my own situation. In all honesty, the reason why many MM or MW don't leave their marriage is not because of love...its because of fear of the unknown.

 

For the few that do actually leave, I can't imagine what they went through. It is not easy to just walk away from ones marriage even if the love has faded. It's not. When I read responses such as "he would leave if he really loved you" it makes me sick. I really love S, but since we were both married, i did not see what I couls really do. It's not as easy as ok I love her or him so ill just tear up my home. Believe me, I thought about it, but it was too hard.

 

I just wish more women and men knew this...the love may be as strong as any, but the situation to hard to deal with. Leaving and not divorcing does not mean they didnt love you.

Hey Stoneman,

Listen, I'm real sorry you're hurting. You've got to find a way to get over S. She mighta have loved you, but she didn't love you enough to leave her life. You just gotta love yourself enough to move on.

[MissBee]

I love the author M. Scott Peck and his ideas about love. I think his ideas express how I view love and why the actions are more relevant to life than simply the feeling of love. Here's an excerpt of his characterization and differentiation of love as a feeling and love that is a conscious choice, involving deliberate actions

 

Love is not a feeling. Many, many people possessing a feeling of love and even acting in response to that feeling act in all manner of unloving and destructive ways. It is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, "I feel like loving you, but I am not going to". My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love.

 

True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. When we are concerned for someone's spiritual growth, we know that a lack of commitment is likely to be harmful and that commitment to that person is probably necessary for us to manifest our concern effectively.

 

Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn't, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised.

 

The common tendency to confuse love with feelings of love allows people all manner of self-deception. It is clear that there may be a self-serving quality in this tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love; it is easy and not at all unpleasant to find evidence of love in one's feelings. It may be difficult and painful to search for evidence of love in one's actions. But because true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love, it is correct to say, "Love is as love does".

 

I 100% agree that "love is as love does".

 

I take the doing love any day over the feeling love.

[alexandria35]

my honest response is: Who cares how strong the love is, if it doesn't effect change and produces a desired result?

 

That's how i feel. I suppose for some it is a consolation that the person loved them...and i suppose that is better than if you felt they fabricated their feelings. However, lamenting over if the love was real or not is pointless imo, if the choice was against that or if they chose fear. They chose something else that had a stronger pull...that's that. But thanks that you loved me though....it was appreciated lol.

 

Love without the right circumstances, without bravery, without a willingness to risk, without actions, without truth etc is just a feeling you feel in your heart. If i love someone from far away and never do anything to show it...how exactly does my love make a difference to them?

 

It doesn't.

 

But if for some, knowing some person loves them who will never exercise the courage, risk, etc to be with them or to show it in its fullness, is a comforting thought...then hey. But that thought alone doesn't really add to my life. So i thank my ap if he loves me secretly, in his heart, if he's pining away and writing love letters he never sends, and if he will think about me until he dies while with his woman....but while i'm here, living my life, that love doesn't profit me and the love alone doesn't translate to a lived experience.

 

**applause**

[ac11442]

So many of you have had so many great things to say and I agree with most of them! I read the thread all at once so forgive me if I don't credit someone specific with something said.

 

My xMM loved me very much. His marriage was his priority, though. His kids are both in college so he didn't have to stay for them. But his son told him if he ever leaves his marriage he will disown him and never speak to him again. I think this kid means it. So should he give up his relationship with his children and future grandchildren for me? That's a lot of pressure on me! What if it didn't work out? Would I feel the need to stay just because of what he gave up for me? And what about him? Would he stay with me even if he didn't really want to because he gave up his life for me? I didn't want that kind of responsibility.

 

He also had those family and friends that wouldn't accept divorce as an option. When he told his brother he was wanting to leave his brother told him he made his bed so now lie in it. His w has caught us talking 5 times. 5. When she told her sister and mother about it they both told her she needs to find a way to make it work; do whatever it takes. I couldn't imagine telling my daughter to stay with a man who constantly cheats on her. To me that is putting the institution of marriage above the well being of your loved one. And, well, that's just crappy.

 

I don't remember who said it but someone stated that staying in the marriage is condemning the spouse to an unhappy marriage without them even knowing (paraphrasing, of course). I agree completely! When my xH left me he told me "I could stay, but do you really want me here knowing I'm not happy?" No, definitely not.

 

I left my first marriage because I cheated. I realized if I was able to cheat I wasn't really in love with him the way I should be so I left. It was hard, unbelievably hard, but I did it. And it was a good decision. But I didn't have kids, and I had a family that supported me. Without that I can't say I would have made the same choice.

 

It takes a lot of strength and courage to leave a marriage. Not everyone can do it. Not everyone has the support system to do it. Imagine leaving your marriage and trying to talk to your siblings and all they ever said was you needed to go back and try harder. Or every time you called or texted your kids you were ignored. And all to be with someone you could never take to a family holiday, or your childs wedding or birth of a child. I know I would never want to go to Thanksgiving with my xMM's family. I would be the whore condemned to hell and I really don't think they would make an effort to hide how they felt.

 

If you're going to leave your marriage it should be because you aren't happy and want to leave, not because you want to be with someone else specifically.

 

The bottom line is sometimes you may not make the decision that makes you happy, but you make the decision you can live with.

[SBC]

So many of you have had so many great things to say and I agree with most of them! I read the thread all at once so forgive me if I don't credit someone specific with something said.

 

My xMM loved me very much. His marriage was his priority, though. His kids are both in college so he didn't have to stay for them. But his son told him if he ever leaves his marriage he will disown him and never speak to him again. I think this kid means it. So should he give up his relationship with his children and future grandchildren for me? That's a lot of pressure on me! What if it didn't work out? Would I feel the need to stay just because of what he gave up for me? And what about him? Would he stay with me even if he didn't really want to because he gave up his life for me? I didn't want that kind of responsibility.

 

He also had those family and friends that wouldn't accept divorce as an option. When he told his brother he was wanting to leave his brother told him he made his bed so now lie in it. His w has caught us talking 5 times. 5. When she told her sister and mother about it they both told her she needs to find a way to make it work; do whatever it takes. I couldn't imagine telling my daughter to stay with a man who constantly cheats on her. To me that is putting the institution of marriage above the well being of your loved one. And, well, that's just crappy.

 

I don't remember who said it but someone stated that staying in the marriage is condemning the spouse to an unhappy marriage without them even knowing (paraphrasing, of course). I agree completely! When my xH left me he told me "I could stay, but do you really want me here knowing I'm not happy?" No, definitely not.

 

I left my first marriage because I cheated. I realized if I was able to cheat I wasn't really in love with him the way I should be so I left. It was hard, unbelievably hard, but I did it. And it was a good decision. But I didn't have kids, and I had a family that supported me. Without that I can't say I would have made the same choice.

 

It takes a lot of strength and courage to leave a marriage. Not everyone can do it. Not everyone has the support system to do it. Imagine leaving your marriage and trying to talk to your siblings and all they ever said was you needed to go back and try harder. Or every time you called or texted your kids you were ignored. And all to be with someone you could never take to a family holiday, or your childs wedding or birth of a child. I know I would never want to go to Thanksgiving with my xMM's family. I would be the whore condemned to hell and I really don't think they would make an effort to hide how they felt.

 

If you're going to leave your marriage it should be because you aren't happy and want to leave, not because you want to be with someone else specifically.

 

The bottom line is sometimes you may not make the decision that makes you happy, but you make the decision you can live with.

 

If my college aged daughter told me she would disown me if I left my marriage (or any relationship I was in) I would laugh out loud at her. Just as she would do to me if I gave her the same ultimatum about her boyfriend.

 

Really? This is his excuse?

[alexandria35]

If my college aged daughter told me she would disown me if I left my marriage (or any relationship I was in) I would laugh out loud at her. Just as she would do to me if I gave her the same ultimatum about her boyfriend.

 

Really? This is his excuse?

 

100% agree. I couldn't imagine my adult sons saying something like that to me but if they ever did they would soon find out that they don't dictate how I live my life. And if I ever tried to tell my sons something like that they would certainly tell me to stick it where the sun don't shine. Your MM is either lying or he's a spineless weak little man, if he's going to let his adult children run his life.

Edited July 11, 2012 by alexandria35
spelling

[SoMovinOn]

Leaving an M, ending *any* R, is difficult to do, even when there is no A or anything else involved. We are incorrectly taught to avoid failure, and taught to view the end of an R as a failure. Sticking it out for a lifetime, even in the wrong R, is seen as noble. That's also wrong, and, just plain dumb.

[ac11442]

I agree with you! I would laugh at my children as well. My kids are young and live with me right now so they way we all interact is important. It will always be important. But once they are gone, living their own lives, how I chose to live my life becomes less and less of their business.

 

He pretty much is spineless. I knew that when we were together. His daughter sounds great, but his son is a spoiled rotten brat, even at age 19. He had knee surgery 2 years ago and was such an ass he threw a bedpan at the nurse. MM's response was "He's a terrible patient. That's just how he is.".

 

If that were MY child?????? Oh Hell no!!!! I would tell the nurse we needed a minute and to make sure she brought a doctor back with her cuz my boy was gonna need it. Never, ever EVER would I allow my child to act that way. I would make sure he did everything humanly possible to make it up to her. But to make an excuse of that's just how he is??? No flippin' way!

 

His boy also, the spring he graduated high school (home schooled btw) went to the Christian college his sister attended to see the campus. While there he ran from one side of the town to the other, literally scaled the outside of the basketball stadium so he could be on the roof to pray over the town. MM and w thought he was being enthusiastic about his religion. I, personally, thought he was one step away from the guy wearing the sandwich board, ringing the bell in front of the NY public library talking about the end being near.

 

When it comes to his son he is totally clueless. There were sooooo many examples of messed up stuff. I think he's bipolar. We even did a bipolar test on his son and he scored 44 out of 50. Something like 35 was you need to see a shrink cuz you're probably bipolar.

 

The first time his son found out about us (I don't know why they both feel the need to keep telling the kids about their marriage) he fb messaged me. He said (and this is a quote, except he used the actual words) "You are a dirty c&*t. You should kill your kids and then yourself. Go to hell you whore". Literally the most hurtful thing I've ever had said to me. We were in nc but I forwarded MM the message. He said he'll try to talk to him. Again, if that were my kid, the cops would end up being called because of the sheer volume coming from my house.

 

Had he laid down the law with this kid from day one this probably wouldn't be an issue now. But could you imagine if he did leave and we were together? Would he stand up and say, "my life, y'all need to get over it?" I don't think so.

 

Yeah, nc is hard. Yeah, I miss my friend. Yeah, I know it's silly cuz he's a wuss. But I didn't have to live with him, never wanted it full time, so I got to pick and choose a little more. If we were together full time I'd have A LOT more to say about A LOT more stuff! Trust me!!!!!

[ac11442]

Leaving an M, ending *any* R, is difficult to do, even when there is no A or anything else involved. We are incorrectly taught to avoid failure, and taught to view the end of an R as a failure. Sticking it out for a lifetime, even in the wrong R, is seen as noble. That's also wrong, and, just plain dumb.

 

I know a lot of people like this, my xMM being one of them. He used to say at church every Sunday they made announcements saying so and so have been married 60 years today, etc. He wanted that. But he also said he wondered how many of them were truly happy vs just waiting it out til one of them died.

[carhill]

OP, I was in your situation many years ago. I saw the fear in the MW; fear of the unknown. It kept her in the M for a good 15 years after we first met.

 

I faced the same fear much more recently. MC helped me conquer it, clarify what was healthy and face it square on. I feel better now than in decades. Free.

[chalkfarm]

As time goes on, I have read through many posts here and looked at my own situation. In all honesty, the reason why many MM or MW don't leave their marriage is not because of love...its because of fear of the unknown.

 

For the few that do actually leave, I can't imagine what they went through. It is not easy to just walk away from ones marriage even if the love has faded. It's not. When I read responses such as "he would leave if he really loved you" it makes me sick. I really love S, but since we were both married, i did not see what I couls really do. It's not as easy as ok I love her or him so ill just tear up my home. Believe me, I thought about it, but it was too hard.

 

I just wish more women and men knew this...the love may be as strong as any, but the situation to hard to deal with. Leaving and not divorcing does not mean they didnt love you.

 

Personally, I appreciate this post. I still wonder if XMM really loved me and reading your post 2 years ago would have been very important to me. And yes, it matters if he loved me or if he was just screwing me. Sorry, but it matters. Although, I guess it matters less than it used to.

 

Also, I think some people are treating you rather poorly. They write that you should get over the love you have, you should stop pining now or it will never end. I find "get over it", "man up", "grow some balls" to be highly insulting and dismissive.

 

I want to tell you that it takes as long as it takes to feel better. And sometimes it takes a LONG TIME. It is okay to hurt and cry and feel miserable. It's okay.

 

My very wise mother said she thinks that the gravity of the pain and disappointment I have felt were directly proportional to how great my expectations were and how deeply I loved him. I trust your expectations were equally high and your love equally deep.

 

The good news is that you will feel better and "things" will fade. You won't pine forever, no matter what others may say.

 

I send you many hugs Stoneman.

Edited July 11, 2012 by chalkfarm

[Silly_Girl]

Good post chalkfarm. And your mother is indeed wise

[stillwater]

Also, I think some people are treating you rather poorly. They write that you should get over the love you have, you should stop pining now or it will never end. I find "get over it", "man up", "grow some balls" to be highly insulting and dismissive.

 

I want to tell you that it takes as long as it takes to feel better. And sometimes it takes a LONG TIME. It is okay to hurt and cry and feel miserable. It's okay.

 

As the person who used the phrase "manned up", I wasn't telling him to just get over the love he has. Far from it. I understand the pain and the hurt and how long it can take, oh believe me I do.

 

Here's the long version of what I was actually trying to say: leaving a years-long relationship WAS hard. Coming home to an empty house when you're used to having someone there is hard. Losing that confidante, the person who would always listen to how your day went, etc etc etc. I didn't have a whole lot of friends when this happened, and the friends I did have either didn't share my hobbies or were often busy with their families. So even while xMW was still in the picture and I thought we had a future, it still wasn't easy giving up that safe comfortable life I had, for something that truly was an unknown. It would have been far easier to stay and cake-eat (and doesn't it sound great, having 2 women?), but that's not me. I put myself out there and took a risk. It was hard, yes, but I chose not to base my decisions on fear. And so I did what I had to do to rebuild my life. Oh, and no doubt what SHE went through was far far harder.

 

Perhaps I did treat the OP poorly, and for that I apologize, but the original post and (especially) the one I responded to really got my goat. I interpreted it as him saying his situation was more difficult than that of other folks here, and I think that's ridiculous. Thousands of couples divorce every single day, and I find it hard to believe any of them would say it was easy. But they chose to not live in fear, and did what they thought was best.

Edited July 11, 2012 by stillwater

[EmptyHeartGirl]

I don't want to beat up the OP, I really do understand the hurt feelings of losing someone you love. I believe most of us do because most of us are actually currently going through it or have been through it. You should definitely take your time to mourn, and find a way to move forward. Everyone has their own timeline to heal.

 

However it makes my blood boil to hear the excuses about why they didn't leave. The kids excuse is BS to me. They are your kids, you think a piece of paper is going to disown you, or create an invisible barrier that now you can't see your kids? and I'm sorry when did kids start running the show? Are they paying rent, food, and upkeep these days?

 

MM/MW weren't worried about their kids when they were messing around. My exAP spent 3-4 days a week with me and some weekends. If he cared so much about his kids, why wasn't he using that time to be with them? and let's just say hypothetically that it really is "about the kids" why are you dragging OW/OM into a situation and you know you "can't leave"? The reason is simple: SELFISHNESS and COWARDICE

 

It's ok for the OW/OM and BS to get hurt as long as the MM/MW is happy and can have it all. and no I don't believe these MM/MW love anyone but themselves. You don't treat people that way when you love them. The action does not reflect the words.

[woinlove]

Personally, I appreciate this post. I still wonder if XMM really loved me and reading your post 2 years ago would have been very important to me. And yes, it matters if he loved me or if he was just screwing me. Sorry, but it matters. Although, I guess it matters less than it used to.

 

Also, I think some people are treating you rather poorly. They write that you should get over the love you have, you should stop pining now or it will never end. I find "get over it", "man up", "grow some balls" to be highly insulting and dismissive.

 

I want to tell you that it takes as long as it takes to feel better. And sometimes it takes a LONG TIME. It is okay to hurt and cry and feel miserable. It's okay.

 

My very wise mother said she thinks that the gravity of the pain and disappointment I have felt were directly proportional to how great my expectations were and how deeply I loved him. I trust your expectations were equally high and your love equally deep.

 

The good news is that you will feel better and "things" will fade. You won't pine forever, no matter what others may say.

 

I send you many hugs Stoneman.

 

I see it more as people trying to help Stoneman see that he has the ability to be the driver of his own life. He can choose to stay married, he can choose to divorce, he can choose to pursue the OW, he can choose to not pursue her, he can choose to continue to have affairs, he can choose to be monogamous, he can choose to be open and honest and either monogamous or not. Right now he is focussed on feelings and living in his head from what he posts here, but, meanwhile, the substance of his life continues on (that he is married and not having anything to do with the OW) and it would probably do him well to really decide if the substance of his life is exactly what he wants. If so, he can fully embrace that and make it even more like it is now. If not, he can make changes. Sometimes one needs to spend some time living in one's head, but the substance of life still goes on, and any time spent really affecting that substance is time well spent.

 

I can't see anything that Stoneman would be doing differently right now if he didn't love the OW, and that, I think, is very sad. To me, love is such a huge motivator and enricher of life, infusing so many actions, that to have love that doesn't change anything seems very sad to me. Sure, he spent time with OW and had an A. But he said he had A's before and it wasn't love and he didn't leave his W then either. So, it seems for now that Stoneman is choosing to live his life essentially independent of love, keeping love confined to his thoughts and not in his actions.

Edited July 11, 2012 by woinlove

[y2k]

Leaving an M, ending *any* R, is difficult to do, even when there is no A or anything else involved. We are incorrectly taught to avoid failure, and taught to view the end of an R as a failure. Sticking it out for a lifetime, even in the wrong R, is seen as noble. That's also wrong, and, just plain dumb.

 

This is one of the best posts I've read in this forum EVER!!!!!!!

 

People, take note of this!!!!!!!

 

Ending a relationship/marriage is NOT a bad thing. Staying in a marriage where you're not in love and happy with your spouse is not "the right thing to do". It's 2012 for crying out loud. This old 1950's way of thinking has got to go.

 

GREAT POST SoMovinOn!!!

[MissBee]

I don't want to beat up the OP, I really do understand the hurt feelings of losing someone you love. I believe most of us do because most of us are actually currently going through it or have been through it. You should definitely take your time to mourn, and find a way to move forward. Everyone has their own timeline to heal.

 

However it makes my blood boil to hear the excuses about why they didn't leave. The kids excuse is BS to me. They are your kids, you think a piece of paper is going to disown you, or create an invisible barrier that now you can't see your kids? and I'm sorry when did kids start running the show? Are they paying rent, food, and upkeep these days?

 

MM/MW weren't worried about their kids when they were messing around. My exAP spent 3-4 days a week with me and some weekends. If he cared so much about his kids, why wasn't he using that time to be with them? and let's just say hypothetically that it really is "about the kids" why are you dragging OW/OM into a situation and you know you "can't leave"? The reason is simple: SELFISHNESS and COWARDICE

 

It's ok for the OW/OM and BS to get hurt as long as the MM/MW is happy and can have it all. and no I don't believe these MM/MW love anyone but themselves. You don't treat people that way when you love them. The action does not reflect the words.

 

Great post and good questtion!

 

You already know you have kids. You already know how you feel about your kids. Why carry on with someone , esp someone who wants more, if you know you can't leave your kids?

 

The answer is: the kids thought often comes later. In the midst of the A, the kids aren't a focus, the A suspends the family life for a while. This isn't a crime, this is just how it works. Parents are humans too. While caught up in the A you're thinking about you, your AP and how you feel. However, when you step back a little or start thinking about your actual, everyday life...you are far more attached to it than it sometimes comes off in an A.

[Got it]

As time goes on, I have read through many posts here and looked at my own situation. In all honesty, the reason why many MM or MW don't leave their marriage is not because of love...its because of fear of the unknown.

 

For the few that do actually leave, I can't imagine what they went through. It is not easy to just walk away from ones marriage even if the love has faded. It's not. When I read responses such as "he would leave if he really loved you" it makes me sick. I really love S, but since we were both married, i did not see what I couls really do. It's not as easy as ok I love her or him so ill just tear up my home. Believe me, I thought about it, but it was too hard.

 

I just wish more women and men knew this...the love may be as strong as any, but the situation to hard to deal with. Leaving and not divorcing does not mean they didnt love you.

 

Stoneman - I beg to differ. We were both married we are now both divorced. You can't imagine because you haven't attempted to take control over your life and your happiness.

 

It wasn't hard to leave my spouse. It was sad definitely but I had spent the time trying to turn the relationship around so by the point of the EMR I had already prepared to divorce. It was the right decision for my ex and I and we are in much happier relationships.

 

You are not a victim in your life. You can't control others but you sure can control your actions. If you aren't happy in your marriage than do something about it. There are no brownie points being a martyr.

[beachbabe82]

As time goes on, I have read through many posts here and looked at my own situation. In all honesty, the reason why many MM or MW don't leave their marriage is not because of love...its because of fear of the unknown.

 

For the few that do actually leave, I can't imagine what they went through. It is not easy to just walk away from ones marriage even if the love has faded. It's not. When I read responses such as "he would leave if he really loved you" it makes me sick. I really love S, but since we were both married, i did not see what I couls really do. It's not as easy as ok I love her or him so ill just tear up my home. Believe me, I thought about it, but it was too hard.

 

I just wish more women and men knew this...the love may be as strong as any, but the situation to hard to deal with. Leaving and not divorcing does not mean they didnt love you.

 

But some guys do leave and leave because that is what they want! Billy's wife didn't kick him out. He moved out. I think leaving does depend on many things - and if the relationship is meant to be, a guy can leave with dignity. I think using the kids is an excuse!!!!!! We're you thinking if your family/kids when you were having sex with S? We're you spending time with her when you could have been with your kids??

 

No One should stay married and cheat. That's so wrong. Leaving is better for everyone if it is done right, like Billy did.

 

I agree with Got It. There is more to it @ your not leaving. So you are gonna stay married and be miserable cause you don't love your wife? If Billy and I don't last, I would rather he leave me than to cheat or to pretend he loves me. No way is that cool.

[Got it]

I do agree that the kid issues is a concern for many and MANY will stay married because of the kids. I know my parents did for just that reason. I don't agree, I don't think it is necessarily healthy but I know it is a definite reason that many ascribe to.

 

But I don't believe you have children so I am not sure why you aren't using/seeing your affair as a lightbulb moment about your life and marriage. Your decision to divorce should have nothing to do with the OW or anyone else. You should divorce for you. But having had an affair, that should be a pretty big cliff to be at to either look at committing 100% into the marriage or leaving it. Limping along for years on end, for what reason? Fear of being alone, lack of an emotional safety net? Why? Why stay in the marriage then?

 

I know my situation is unique but divorcing was very easy and very amicable. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom and the world ending.

[Spark1111]

I do agree that the kid issues is a concern for many and MANY will stay married because of the kids. I know my parents did for just that reason. I don't agree, I don't think it is necessarily healthy but I know it is a definite reason that many ascribe to.

 

But I don't believe you have children so I am not sure why you aren't using/seeing your affair as a lightbulb moment about your life and marriage. Your decision to divorce should have nothing to do with the OW or anyone else. You should divorce for you. But having had an affair, that should be a pretty big cliff to be at to either look at committing 100% into the marriage or leaving it. Limping along for years on end, for what reason? Fear of being alone, lack of an emotional safety net? Why? Why stay in the marriage then?

 

I know my situation is unique but divorcing was very easy and very amicable. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom and the world ending.

 

Great post Got it!

And, inversely, do I want a relationship with someone who is here because they fear livng alone or losing their safey net?

 

No way! I want someone who want me and wants to be with me.

 

Is divorce easy? No, of course not!

 

But it takes courage to risk for happiness and freedom. Life doesn't serve it on a silver platter that drops in your lap when it is easiest for you.

 

You have to risk loss to acheive gain. You have to take action....or you can just muddle through and wait, wait, wait for things to turn out better.

 

Doesn't usually happen that way....IMHO.

[flightysue]

Miss Bee you write a lot of sense.I salute you.

[Stoneman70]

As I mentioned a while back, my marriage was somewhat arranged, not forced.there is a lot of pressure on me, the eldest son, to stay in this relationship. I'm unyappy, but its not as easy for me to just walk away. I wish it were, but I'm under a lot of pressure from my family to make it work. There isn't much love, it just is. I'm in a tight spot and am not really sure how to leave...

[woinlove]

As I mentioned a while back, my marriage was somewhat arranged, not forced.there is a lot of pressure on me, the eldest son, to stay in this relationship. I'm unyappy, but its not as easy for me to just walk away. I wish it were, but I'm under a lot of pressure from my family to make it work. There isn't much love, it just is. I'm in a tight spot and am not really sure how to leave...

 

Since the pressure comes from your family, you could try confiding in them, speaking honestly and openly about your feelings. If you tell them you love another woman and you want that kind of love in your life, they may support you or, at least, give arguments as to why you should stay anyway. If you agree with their arguments, that could help you commit to your M. If you don't agree with their arguments, then you may see why you need to forge your own life. I think honesty and openness with those we are closest to (and if you family is affecting your life in such an extreme way, I define that as close) is the best practise and is most likely to lead to happiness and contentment with ourselves. Keeping up a facade, pretending to your family that you are committed, when you are not really, is more likely to take a toll on you and someday you might forget how to even be authentic if you keep up the facade.

[Got it]

As I mentioned a while back, my marriage was somewhat arranged, not forced.there is a lot of pressure on me, the eldest son, to stay in this relationship. I'm unyappy, but its not as easy for me to just walk away. I wish it were, but I'm under a lot of pressure from my family to make it work. There isn't much love, it just is. I'm in a tight spot and am not really sure how to leave...

 

Stoneman - therapy would be a good place for you to start looking at how you feel about your marriage, your priority to your family, your beliefs, etc to try and come to some peace and acceptance.

 

Right now I doubt your family would support your bandaid solution of affairs for an unhappy marriage so you know that isn't something they would want but you are doing. So you need to look at whether you need to prioritize your happiness over their desires and whether they will love you despite it.

 

At the end of the day, when you are on your deathbed, how do you want to look back and remember this? What pieces would you be most proud of? What pieces do you think you will wish you did differently? And what can you do to change them now?

 

Right now you seemingly have one foot in and one foot out of all areas. To me, you need to work on where you are going to stick both feet so you can be committed to something or some ideal/belief.