The reason why many don't leave their marriage..

[FelicityShot]

Stoneman - therapy would be a good place for you to start looking at how you feel about your marriage, your priority to your family, your beliefs, etc to try and come to some peace and acceptance.

 

Right now I doubt your family would support your bandaid solution of affairs for an unhappy marriage so you know that isn't something they would want but you are doing. So you need to look at whether you need to prioritize your happiness over their desires and whether they will love you despite it.

 

At the end of the day, when you are on your deathbed, how do you want to look back and remember this? What pieces would you be most proud of? What pieces do you think you will wish you did differently? And what can you do to change them now?

 

Right now you seemingly have one foot in and one foot out of all areas. To me, you need to work on where you are going to stick both feet so you can be committed to something or some ideal/belief.

 

What a lovely thing to say.

 

I have seldom seen anything here so devoid of agenda.

 

Maybe I didn't look right before or I don't know. But this seemed so true, and I feel so happy this was said.

 

I used to come here because I thought I would learn or move forward from my pain/stupidity.

 

Then I thought I had only found a place where everyone wanted to back an agenda.

 

I felt a little silly after that for speaking my heart. But no mind.

[roni26]

As time goes on, I have read through many posts here and looked at my own situation. In all honesty, the reason why many MM or MW don't leave their marriage is not because of love...its because of fear of the unknown.

 

For the few that do actually leave, I can't imagine what they went through. It is not easy to just walk away from ones marriage even if the love has faded. It's not. When I read responses such as "he would leave if he really loved you" it makes me sick. I really love S, but since we were both married, i did not see what I couls really do. It's not as easy as ok I love her or him so ill just tear up my home. Believe me, I thought about it, but it was too hard.

 

I just wish more women and men knew this...the love may be as strong as any, but the situation to hard to deal with. Leaving and not divorcing does not mean they didnt love you.

 

Thank you for your post, I agree and really appreciate it. I always here if he really loved you he would leave, i don't feel it is that easy. People stay at thing; jobs, friendships, staying in towns they don't like, business partners and marriages for oodles of reasons. It would be nice if we could all just do whatever we wanted in all aspects of life, but at the same time that would make us seem completely wild and probably insane as well !

[Got it]

What keeps a lot of people in situations they aren't happy about is either fear or laziness. Without those what reason does one have for not making a change?

[silktricks]

To be honest, I have not read this entire thread. So, this may have already been said.

 

Stoneman, you cannot say why MANY don't leave their marriage. You seem (IMO) to have extrapolated how you feel onto how your AP felt and thence onto how MANY feel.

 

You were scared. Though you loved your AP, you were also afraid to leave your marriage.

 

Your AP chose to not leave her marriage. You choose to believe that she loves you and that her feelings for you match your feelings for her. That may be true - and it may not. You'll never truly know for sure, as you cannot crawl into her skin.

 

However, to take your feelings, and the possible feelings of your AP and then assume that MANY feel the same is a useless exercise. Maybe they do. Maybe they don't. And really, in the long run, who cares? Someone leaves - or they don't. They love their AP or they don't. They love their spouse or they don't. Each story is it's own individual story. Mine doesn't affect yours, nor yours mine. There is no sense in trying to pretend that they do.

[scatterd]

Heres how I feel about a husband or wife that cheats. If you need to cheat let me know for If I knew I would want you to leave. I was waiting for someone when you came along and I could do it again when you leave.You was not the first nor will you be the last. If anyone deserves to know what your doing is the one that you promised to be faithful to.I don't need you for the kids I have raised them everyday when you have been gone. The kids are better with out a meaning less marriage. I'm not the one that is needing you to lie to me you are just fooling yourself and think you are the only one that I would ever want or will need. you fell for me in the beginning and someone else better will too. So if you love me your welcomed to stay but if you don't let me out of this Constitution.I Will hurt but I also will heal. Its UN-fair to not give the person your cheating on a choice to decide if they want to be with you under the circumstances. In most affairs the person lies and begs for you to believe them that they will do anything and it was a mistake or it did not happen. If you cant tell me what you are doing or how you feel you must need me or know what would happen. I married believing you loved me and have done everything I could to make you happy so I have trust and faith because you led me to.

Another thing that happens when they cheat they turn the story around to the OP. Most people stay married because they are led to believe they are loved and its going to work out or maybe their too ill to leave.Some times their to hurt or weak at first or feel their to blame. Their is another side to each story.

Wow I needed that. LOL

[scatterd]

I wrote what I did to let people know that when you dont love someone or you are cheating their reaction is not always what you think it will be.Everyone deserves to be happy and if the person does not know how you feel

then they cant make it better or they keep trying to make it work. If your wanting out get out it will work

the way it should. Think of everyone involved but do not short yourself.

[LoveTKO]

As time goes on, I have read through many posts here and looked at my own situation. In all honesty, the reason why many MM or MW don't leave their marriage is not because of love...its because of fear of the unknown.

 

For the few that do actually leave, I can't imagine what they went through. It is not easy to just walk away from ones marriage even if the love has faded. It's not. When I read responses such as "he would leave if he really loved you" it makes me sick. I really love S, but since we were both married, i did not see what I couls really do. It's not as easy as ok I love her or him so ill just tear up my home. Believe me, I thought about it, but it was too hard.

 

I just wish more women and men knew this...the love may be as strong as any, but the situation to hard to deal with. Leaving and not divorcing does not mean they didnt love you.

 

 

Fear of the unknown is a definitely a deterrent, but it's still very selfish in my book. Take the MW that I have been with. Regardless of how often she complains about the lack of sexual attraction for her husband, she often expresses concern for facing the unknown should she proceed with a divorce. She makes her own money and has ample cash in the bank, but she just can't let go of that almost father-daughter like relationship she has with her husband. He made her life so easy by catering to her, I give her a hard time about how she's too cheap to start digging into more of her own money and what not. He treats her like a daughter and she allowed that to go on. she is very manipulative and tries to control her environment in order to achieve that "feel good" vibe.

 

Again, as per some of my previous posts, WS' are selfish individuals who want the best of all worlds. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and the whole equation makes life more tolerable. They suffer from serious decision making disorders, so that's why you leave it at sex and keep emotions out of the game.

[hermione08]

Men don't leave their marriage because most of them enjoy not having to choose. Men like having the security of a home and the thrill of a lover. Why should they choose?

Choice means giving up something and they don't want to.

Love is seldom men's priority.

[LoveTKO]

Men don't leave their marriage because most of them enjoy not having to choose. Men like having the security of a home and the thrill of a lover. Why should they choose?

Choice means giving up something and they don't want to.

Love is seldom men's priority.

 

 

 

Women are just as bad. Why give up a nice house, a husband who does all the heavy lifting, socking your own money away, all while you can have a spicy love life on the side that fills the passion void in your life?

[sleepie]

Will probably get slammed for this, but here it goes:

 

I *understand* what you're saying, Stoneman. In my A, we were both married (for more than a decade, and we had young kids). Leaving a marriage is hard, and in many ways feels impossible. No matter how strong the pull of your AP, there are other things--responsibilities, obligations, promises, love of spouse and kids--that you feel must keep you in your marriage.

 

But you say your AP said she was staying married because she loved her husband. That sends a clear message, I think, that she is saying she loves her husband MORE than you. Harsh to hear, perhaps, but likely true.

 

IMHO, when people who love their AP still choose to stay in their marriage, it's because there's something they love more than their AP. Maybe it's their kids. Maybe it's financial security. Maybe it's their spouse. Maybe it's themselves. But no matter what, when the choice is made to end the A and stay in the marriage, the message is clear: SOMETHING ELSE is loved more.

[Got it]

I don't see it as necessarily about loving someone more. I think we can love many people at the same time, just in different ways.

 

For me the decision is about the MP choosing between their "old" life or a "new" life. It is about them deciding whether to overcome the fears, etc. and put their money where their mouth is and move on their feelings of discontent and unhappiness.

 

If they complain but never move on, have the affair, etc. it's because they are choosing themselves first. For whatever reason, it's because the impact on them will be worst going with one decision than with another.

[alexandria35]

 

For the few that do actually leave, I can't imagine what they went through. It is not easy to just walk away from ones marriage even if the love has faded. It's not. When I read responses such as "he would leave if he really loved you" it makes me sick. I really love S, but since we were both married, i did not see what I couls really do. It's not as easy as ok I love her or him so ill just tear up my home. Believe me, I thought about it, but it was too hard.

 

I just wish more women and men knew this...the love may be as strong as any, but the situation to hard to deal with. Leaving and not divorcing does not mean they didnt love you.

 

For the few that do actually leave? Few? What are you talking about here? Peope leave their marriages ALL THE TIME. Just about every second or third person I meet in my age range (forties) has been through a divorce at some point. Why are you making it sound like divorce is some impossible feat that only the very strongest and bravest are able to accomplish? Divorced peope are everywhere. You can't imagine what they went through? Gee you've never talked to any divorced people before? I think theres a forum right here on love shack for people who are going through divorce. Like I said it's pretty darn easy to what a divorce is like from people who have gone through it since they're everywhere and there are like hundreds of thousands of them. Where you get this idea that very few people manage to leave their marriage and divorce is beyond me. Do you not live in a city? I don't doubt that some people are too scared to do it, so they choose to sneak and lie and cheat instead of just doing what thousands of others have done, which is divorce. Sucks to be them.