Possible to be friends with a girl while having a girlfriend?

[Dire Wolf]

Long story short, years ago I was good friends with this girl who happens to be incredibly attractive. When I was single, I had something of a crush on her but did not pursue it for various reasons. After that, I was able to enjoy our platonic relationship. We've got similar interests/humor and have always had a great time together.

 

Time goes on. I got into a serious relationship with someone else and eventually ended the friendship with this girl. I always felt like a douchebag for doing it, but I didn't know what other course of action to take. I mean, what would I have said to my then-girlfriend? "Hey honey, I'm going out with my friend here for drinks. Did I mention that at one time I was into her?" I think most ladies would have a problem with this scenario even if the girl were unattractive.

 

Flash forward 2 years later and I have since broken up with my girlfriend, and reconnected with this girl. Let me be clear - I do not want to be in a romantic relationship with her. Even if she were interested, it wouldn't work. But for whatever reason, our friendship does work. And its something that I value and would like to keep regardless of whether or not either one of us is in a relationship.

 

My question is - is this an option? Has anyone here been successful in doing it? And if so, how?

 

Also, I've never had the discussion with my friend. I don't know if she ever got the impression that I did think of her romantically at one time. Or if now she thinks I may have an ulterior motive and want more than a friendship. Is it best to clear the air proactively so my intentions are known?

[turnera]

It would work ONLY if this friend were included in activities involving both you AND your wife, and if you have the kind of relationship with your wife where YOU TWO are best friends and not just romantic friends (i.e., utterly honest with each other, ALWAYS tell the truth, always work things out).

[Brit]

I would just leave her alone. You already broke the friendship and most likely, I would think, gain another girlfriend in the future, so why even build another bridge to burn. Let sleeping dogs lie.

[Dire Wolf]

It would work ONLY if this friend were included in activities involving both you AND your wife, and if you have the kind of relationship with your wife where YOU TWO are best friends and not just romantic friends (i.e., utterly honest with each other, ALWAYS tell the truth, always work things out).

 

I'm not married, or in a relationship for that matter...but get your point. Upfront is the way to go.

[Dire Wolf]

I would just leave her alone. You already broke the friendship and most likely, I would think, gain another girlfriend in the future, so why even build another bridge to burn. Let sleeping dogs lie.

 

And breaking the friendship is precisely what I'm trying to avoid here. Are you saying there is no way to maintain the friendship if I were to get a girlfriend?

[Brit]

" I think most ladies would have a problem with this scenario even if the girl were unattractive."

 

There is your answer. You did not value the relationship then, past behavior, predicts future, so once the power of the p*ssy, presents itself once more, it will become a problem once again.

 

So yes, let sleeping dogs lie.

[Peanut9330]

I think it’s possible but it all depends on the person your in a relationship with. If your GF feels uncomfortable or let’s say insecure around this woman would you really want to be hanging out with her, if you were considering on having a LTR with your girl. One of my boyfriend’s closest friend happens to be a girl and I don’t mind at all. It all comes down to trust maybe if you’re upfront with your future partner about your friend it might work out. However you have to be very careful to not cross any boundaries. Also take into consideration that your GF might be ok with the friendship in the beginning but later on might be uncomfortable. If you end up being serious about that girl and really love her... who will you chose??? your GF or your friend. You have to take all this into consideration before you make any decisions. I personally think that in a well balanced relationship with trust its possible to have friends of the opposite sex but even then you still need to be careful and your going to need to include your partner in the activities. Hanging out alone with her might make your GF feel insecure and cause a lot of strain on the relationship.

[somedude81]

I see no reason not to have a female friend while having a girlfriend.

 

Hell, the way I am now, I can't have any female friends while single because I'd fall for them. But if I were in a relationship, that wouldn't be an issue and I'd be able to have a platonic friendship with women.

[Dire Wolf]

And the second issue? Should I attempt to go forward with the friendship, is it wise to come clean about my past feelings for her and make it known that I have no hidden agenda?

[Brit]

Not being insensitive, but you keep throwing the sames questions in the clothes dryer, for a 30 minute cycle.

You already mentioned that you reconnected, and are having issues in regards to if you should go forward with the friendship. You have gone forward with the friendship, and no do not tell her about your past feelings. All that will do is complicate a platonic friendship.

Uncomplicate your life and devalue and discard your friend, now, rather then later, because it it inevitable to happen once gain when you have a girlfriend, who does not gasp wish you to have a friend that happens to be feminine.

Why hurt a friend once, but then again and again?

[turnera]

What's that Julia Roberts/Dermot Mulrooney movie where they are best friends and all's fine...until he gets engaged? THEN she realizes she wants him. (psst: didn't work out)

[LoverOfDance]

I don't think you have much of a problem at all. You don't have a gf now and you're not into this girl. The past is the past. Leave it where it belongs. Don't bring it up. And it doesn't seem like you really value your friendship with this girl at all if u cut her out of your life the minute you got a gf. If u get a gf in the future, I don't see why she shld be bothered about this girl being around if you don't have feelings 4 her.

 

If u develop feelings 4 her in the future while in a relationship, then it will say a lot about how you really feel about your future gf. If you're really into her(your future gf), u wouldn't be looking in another direction. I would never cut a friend out just because of a new bf. Bfs/gfs come and go but friends will always be there.

 

At the of day however, it's your decision not mine. If you don't feel like the friendship is that important 2 u and u feel like having her in your life will cause a lot of problems 4 u in the future, then do what you must.

[Brit]

Maybe you should continue with the relationship, if you feel in your heart, that you can continue it, even with a girlfriend. I am slightly jaded with these type circumstances, because I had a platonic friendship similar, and was hurt by it.

I also continued to ruin it, possibly for the reason to not get hurt again. It was a fun friendship, completely platonic, and I was left very confused by it ending, but also understand, that my friendship was not valued enough, to endure a non platonic relationship. It still hurts, though. But that is life.

[Dire Wolf]

I don't think you have much of a problem at all. You don't have a gf now and you're not into this girl. The past is the past. Leave it where it belongs. Don't bring it up. And it doesn't seem like you really value your friendship with this girl at all if u cut her out of your life the minute you got a gf. If u get a gf in the future, I don't see why she shld be bothered about this girl being around if you don't have feelings 4 her.

 

For what it's worth, I did not cut her out of my life the minute I got a girlfriend. It was only after my GF started to express her feelings of how uncomfortable that friendship was making her that I ended things. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, just clarifying how things went down.

 

It's pretty clear I didn't value the friendship as much as I did the relationship with my GF. But that doesn't mean I did not value it at all.

 

Things are different now, I am different now. We've already started being friends again so I am going to see this through. And hope I've grown enough as a person to 1) be a better friend, and 2) improve my people-picking skills so I can find a GF who is more secure with herself and her trust in me so the friendship is not an issue.

[Dire Wolf]

Maybe you should continue with the relationship, if you feel in your heart, that you can continue it, even with a girlfriend. I am slightly jaded with these type circumstances, because I had a platonic friendship similar, and was hurt by it.

I also continued to ruin it, possibly for the reason to not get hurt again. It was a fun friendship, completely platonic, and I was left very confused by it ending, but also understand, that my friendship was not valued enough, to endure a non platonic relationship. It still hurts, though. But that is life.

 

Jaded or not, you have made many good points in this thread. I'm sorry you were hurt by your experience.

 

As you said before, I have already gone through with the friendship. So I've decided to keep going. I feel this time around its something I can continue regardless of whether or not I have a GF.

 

We hung out yesterday actually, and I apologized to her for how things ended. I'm fortunate she's such a kind and understanding person, she accepted my apology and said she completely got why I did it. That it didn't matter, the only thing that does is that we're friends again. So I'm going to do my best to make sure I don't f*** it up this time.

 

Also, I took your (and LoverofDance's) advice. My past feelings are exactly that - in the past. No need to bring them up. That sleeping dog will continue to lie.

 

Thanks to all of you for your feedback here.

[Brit]

Wonderful! Friends are a wonderful and beautiful thing indeed! Better than depression, well, a multitude of things are worse than having a friend or that being said not having a friend.