Choosing between boyfriend and family

[Inj]

I have been dealing with this for a few years now. me and my family moved to Canada from the middle east in 2008. my parents have worked so hard to get us here! they have always had this dream for us to go to good schools and have a life that is better than what they had. My mother currently works 3 jobs, and my dad works part-time (hes had a hard time getting a job). they are 50. so its a lot for them to handle. I start by saying this because the rest is going to make them sound plain awful.

a year after we had been in Canada, I moved to a nearby city to attend university in Engineering. Living on my own I started to go out to parties and have fun. But It was nothing out of control. my first semester I had about 74 average for 5 classes. I was involved in student life (part of a student organization) and made lots of friends.

My first winter living on my own, I started to get depressed over the feeling that I had brought my parents Shame. because I went to drank and sometimes made out with boys (this sounds silly now, but I grew up in a closed environment). my parents would call me on week nights and talk for hours about their expectations and how they expect me to make them proud. they wanted me to be in contact with them too often. if I was asleep and missed a call I would find another 10 or so missed calls because my mother was frantic. So I started to complain, I wanted to concentrate on school, and engineering is not exactly a walk in the park. My parents than started to become unmanageable, especially my mother, she would send me a message and i would have to drop everything I am doing to go on skype with her. She visited me, often unannounced. one time she showed up at my doorstep at 5 am, because she was worried about me. I had changed too much. she then decided to search through my phone to find messages referring to drinking. and a message from a boy. this did not help the situation at all. things got worse. I ended up with D's that semester. I also met my current boyfriend that semester. and he was living out of town. we dated long distance for 2 years. in those two years, my parents and I fought alot. I felt like I had to fight so hard for basic rights that any of my friends had. I had to go home and argue for about a week just so I could be allowed to go take summer classes. my parents made me quit all involvement with the student organization I was part of. and that summer they basically ruined my entire semester, I failed all my classes. My parents came to my house too often and upset me every time. I decided to move far away from them and be near my boyfriend and they threatened to disown me for leaving. my dad said to me he would tell all our relatives back home that i died. and he still doesnt even know about my boyfriend till today only my mother knows.

I ended up staying where I am. I ended up in a serious situation with school because my marks were too low. I cut my parents off for a few weeks, as the stress level was at an all time high. I was having back spasms and stomach problems. and even though I was in pain a lot and couldnt eat or sleep very well., I got myself out of academic probation in one semester and continued to bring my marks up.

I now expect to graduate in 2013. My parents have gotten better at respecting me. my mother no longer touches my cell phone. I still visit. but when I am there I go out and see friends. (my mother doesnt like any of my friends because she things they have brainwashed me)

my boyfriend has moved to be near me!!! I love him very much. he makes me happy and accepts me for who I am. we do have our problems. he is getting fed up with the situation though. and is telling me that he doesnt want me to have to chose between him and my family.

My mother hates the mention of him. and just thinks that our relationship and the concept of us marrying is wrong by god(were different religions and culture, hes 'white'). that if we get married even our children will be going to hell. (yeah shes a bit blunt)

I honestly have no idea if god will be angry with me for marrying him. but how would I know anyway?

I love him and he loves me. and we respect each other.

I love my family very much. and If i didn't I would not still be talking to them after everything theyve done. I gave them a chance and now things are better.

I still feel so lost as I try to find happiness. and peace. My mother does not know that my boyfriend and I now live in the same city and I see him often. she still hopes I will just give him up. she has said she refuses to support me in doing something wrong! so she wont have anything to do with me if I marry him. my dad is even worse, one day when I tell him it will have to be on the phone. I am terrified of his words to me. both him and my mom break me down so much with emotional BS that just leaves me paralyzed sometimes.

has anyone here dealt with anything similar and maybe has some advice? thank you for reading!

[alvitdk]

Oh Dear, so sorry but the "clash of cultures" is just nothing easy to handle, I understand you pain. Choosing between your love and your family is not a easy task, neither should it be a option.

Yes you parents deserve a ton of gratitude, but at the same time they can't rule your life for ever. I would stick it out until you graduate, if it is that important to them, make them proud, give them what they deserve for all their hard work to get you where you are. Try to get your boyfriend to understand and be patient until you are done.

 

Once you graduate, let them know about your plans, introduce your boyfriend and make it clear that you very grateful for all their help, but that you are determent to take it from there by your own rules and expectations.

 

I know it's easier said than done trying to keep everyone happy, but at the end it might make things much easier.

 

Good luck!

[louise_23]

i agree with the above. but dont rush into anything hasty regarding the boyfriend.

 

at the end of the day your family, although overbearing at times, are looking out for you. no matter how much you love your boyfriend, relationships do break down. just be aware of burning bridges by going against them, because if things dont work out with this guy you could wind up with nobody.

 

i guess it depends on the closeness of your relationship with your family and this guy.

 

it sounds daft but there was a documentary called The Family here in the uk. if you go on the 4od (channel 4 on demand) website and look for series 2 there is somebody called Shay in the series dealing with being cut out of her family because of her choice of husband. im not saying it will help but you might be able to relate to it a bit.

[Inj]

I definitely like the idea of waiting till graduation. and letting my parents enjoy my graduation ceremony and being proud of me for that.

I believe that if I was not with my bf that my relationship with my parents would be better and also in the long term. If I am married to someone they can relate to and understand better. but there would always be problems between me and them. like after school is done, I obviously want to continue to live on my own, (right now I have roommates) maybe even get my own apartment.

but they would argue with me over that because they expect me to come home to them. live with them until I am married. they have also made comments about me helping them out financially. which I will not be able to do as I have lots of debt from school. (they have not paid for me education, they just help out every once in a while in the form of gifts, food or giving me a ride home or something)

also, It gives me time to work on my relationship. figure out some solutions and spend time together. I really do love my boyfriend very much. but it might not be enough. at this point in time, we just cannot stand the idea of separating. that's why we're working on it. I am also going into counselling again, to try and alleviate some of the stress from our relationship. so I do not transfer the stress from my family to him all the time. I can just work through it by myself. which i need to learn to do.

I thank you both for your posts!