Zammo25 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 This NC mantra is quite annoying really. It is like some brainwashing, like an insidious cult telling EVERYONE no matter what the circumstances are, no matter what the story is, no matter what the factors are , you MUST go NC ! It is ridiculous the way this is applied to EVERY single post and anyone asking for advice. It is like the whole of the LS community are sheep, zombies, incapable of having a mind of their own and feel the ONLY way no matter what the circumstance is to go NC. I do actually wonder how this mindset has infact ruined quite a few relationships thay could have been healed. Thats my opinion anyway. Feel free to shoot me down as I am sure you will. Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 NC is the best option. It's unrealistic at first, but I'd say most of the time, it's the best logical option. After all, why keep associating with someone who has hurt you, has no interest in you, and/or or doens't care about you. Link to post Share on other sites
muzik_lvr Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I don't think anything should apply to any and every situation, so I agree with you there. But, I think NC is good for the large majority of breakup situations, as I am sure those who have been on this forum for years and heard countless stories could tell you. Keep in mind, the purpose of NC is not to get anyone back, but it is for the dumpee to heal and be able to move on after being broken up with. If one wants to try and get their ex back, then that's another story. But to truly move on and heal, NC seems to be the best way to do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tree_Salmon Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I think you initially need time away from this person especially if the other person is immature. Time away gives you perspective and allows you to put your thoughts together. But I also agree that once you've got your head on straight you need to do whatever you feel. I stop NC as soon as I feel it's right. I dont dodge people and play mind games. It always works out best for me this way. I answer when i feel like it and i don't regret it. It's all about how long it takes you to get your confidence back. Some people think NC is a cure for everything. Just do what feels right to you. But only AFTER you've taken the irrational fear emotions out of your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariana345 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) I do think that NC is the given advice most used in this site, but also is the most rational. I also thought that I can do or say something to make my ex come back, but after I think about it, he not only asked for a "time", and told me that "he wanted to see if he can miss me, and feel the same way as before" and he didn't care if I was hurting and crying. So nothing that I could do at that time would help but NC. And besides, breaking up is not a game. If someone breakup with you it must something serious and you can´t force someone to stay with you If they don't want to. Even if they do that to make a point or "teach you a lesson", you wouldn't want to keep that person right? So, that's what NC is for. I know that some of us want to do something to save our relationships, but whatever we could do and didn't do it IN the relationship don't work outside. We also need time to change, and staying there, annoying the other person won't make us be a better partner. I do wanted to do something about the relationship that I had, but if he doesn't want to work for it, no matter how much I give, It wouldn't work. NC allows me to understand that, reflect about myself, what I want and what can I give, and him too, to consider if is the best choice for him, or if he really want this as much as I do. Edited July 10, 2012 by Mariana345 Link to post Share on other sites
hinatticus Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) If I didn't have a kid with my ex or I didn't want to get back together or i couldnt be friends with my ex, I'd go nc to heal properly. I'm trying to get my ex back through lc. I can grow and learn from my mistakes and have a chance to practice what I've learned through lc. As long as you're mature enough not to break down/beg/plead/reason every time you see your ex, lc is a good option too. How else can my ex see that I've changed? Edited July 10, 2012 by hinatticus Link to post Share on other sites
JesseMartin Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 People that need advice on how to handle their break up, I believe, generally don't have the mental fortitude and emotional awareness to handle contact with their exes in a civil, mature fashion. Psychologists across the board have compared romantic love to any other addictive behavior. Most addictions are best overcome by going cold turkey, which in break up terms, means no contact. So for that same reason the best thing a drug addict can do is to stop using, the best thing a love addict aka break up victim can do, is no contact. The only exception, I believe, is when no contact is practically impossible to do. I think situations with kids are a good example, where going NC isn't an option. However, a shared gym membership, is NOT. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oncehadluv Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 you like chasing a carrot on a stick? you are satisfied with breadcrumbs then by all means stay in contact and further sink in the quicksand Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 you like chasing a carrot on a stick? you are satisfied with breadcrumbs then by all means stay in contact and further sink in the quicksand I don't believe in the breadcrumbs idea either, simply because there's no way to know what anyone is thinking at any given point. Link to post Share on other sites
Oncehadluv Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 anyone here who has real relationship experience and over 25 know the difference and consequences of following the breadcrumb either you get the idea of NC or you dont Link to post Share on other sites
Oncehadluv Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 grow a pair romance a new female unless you have no social or verbal skills to get another woman on your own Link to post Share on other sites
rAFC Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) I've tried other methods and I've even taken ex's back. The only thing that has ever worked out for me in the long run after getting dumped is walking away with my head held high. If you are fine with being someone's doormat, "walking on eggshells" until they leave you again and/or watching your ex love move on with their new relationship then by all means, don't go the no contact route. Personally, I have far too much self respect for that. Edited July 10, 2012 by rAFC 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 If your ex wants to come back on their own, they will You are just sensing emotional distance... See it 1000000x miles away. You even know the crap your spewing out of your mouth is crap Link to post Share on other sites
Oncehadluv Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 If your ex wants to come back on their own, they will mp even then, F - that! your life shouldnt be a revolving door for ex"s incase things didnt work out with new partner. hence NO CONTACT! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I told you your Ex was going to drop breadcrumbs and you didn't believe me. She dropped them, you ate them. Did you win her back? Did you hear / learn things that upset you? Did you not feel good / hopeful at first and then a few days later not feel hurt, used, let down? Do you want me to post what you went through after she contacted you so you are reminded of what that was like? You want your Ex back in a very bad way and due to your age, maturity, lack of break up experience, this is your first relationship and first love... You want some "drugs" (her to contact you) so you can get that "high" (false hope) again. So of course you are going to say NC is a bad idea and breadcrumbs don't exist... You are still addicted to your Ex and don't want to quit. Speaking of your Ex... She is going to drop breadcrumbs again. To say hi, to see how you are doing, to share all the amazing things she is seeing and doing, to see how you are doing, to tell you about how the new guy makes her happy and see if you are with someone (only curious and doesn't care), etc. What you need to remember... Our Exes had ZERO problems communicating through WORDS, EFFORT, ENERGY and ACTIONS, etc. how they felt about us, what they wanted, needed, hoped and dreamed for with us. They overcame a lot of obsticles, pulled all nighters, sacrificed, compromised, spend money, did things they didn't want to do, had disagreements, fights, agruements and kiss and made up many times. Our Exes invested their heart, mind, soul and body for YEARS (while they dated us, courted us and throughout the relationship). If you think not responding to contact or breadcrumbs is going to keep your Ex from pursuing you if they really want you... You are either a young, immature, not in a place where you have a chance of getting them back anyway or you have no break up / reconcliation experience. Truth is, if they want you back... They will make it CRYSTAL CLEAR what they are doing and why through their WORDS, EFFORT, ENERGY and ACTIONS, etc. and they will try to climb, crawl over, circumvent, overcome and blast through every obstical that you or anyone else puts in their way. It is not YOUR job to convince your Ex to want you back, It's THEIR job to convince you to want them back. Well, my ex has yet to drop a single breadcrumb on me the entire time we've been apart..therefore, I didnt "eat them"....the whole rest of your post kind hinges on my ex dropping breadcrumbs on me....which has yet to happen so, no offense, but the rest of your post is kind of irrelevant to my breakup... Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 This NC mantra is quite annoying really. It is like some brainwashing, like an insidious cult telling EVERYONE no matter what the circumstances are, no matter what the story is, no matter what the factors are , you MUST go NC ! It is ridiculous the way this is applied to EVERY single post and anyone asking for advice. It is like the whole of the LS community are sheep, zombies, incapable of having a mind of their own and feel the ONLY way no matter what the circumstance is to go NC. I do actually wonder how this mindset has infact ruined quite a few relationships thay could have been healed. Thats my opinion anyway. Feel free to shoot me down as I am sure you will. No it's not. Of course it depends on the situation too, but it works for most people. Exemple: - So you break up and you call her everyday, annoy her by stopping by and knocking on her door, beg and cry... When you could... - Give her some time to think and miss you, get her to change her mind or at least spare you the humiliation of getting rejected again. Link to post Share on other sites
Thisisbs Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Everything is situational. But the best thing to do following a breakup is to go NC because you won't be able to learn or think straight without doing so. You'll be caught up in the past, confused, hurt and depressed. And in that state, it is incredibly hard to think straight. Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Oh Really... Wow....she just broke NC You consider that a breadcrumb? It was a reference to something when we were dating, to which I didn't respond. I don't consider that a breadcrumb. Fact is, in the couple months since we've stopped talking on a regular basis, I've yet to receive any "how are you doing," "new guy makes me so happy," "hey I wanna talk," "my life is so awesome" emails/texts/calls. We talk every now and then, but it certainly isn't related to relationships, personal lives or anytihng like that. It's just a mutual politeness because we share many mutual friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Everything is situational. But the best thing to do following a breakup is to go NC because you won't be able to learn or think straight without doing so. You'll be caught up in the past, confused, hurt and depressed. And in that state, it is incredibly hard to think straight. Exactly. As I've said for quite some time now, time is the only thing that can set your mind straight. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 We talk every now and then LOL .......... <sigh> 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 LOL .......... <sigh> Why is that "LOL sigh"? I sure feel loads better, physically and mentally than I did months ago. No harm is/was done by talking to...there's no reason not to if I feel like it. Please, oh wise one, explain the harm that has been caused to me by interacting with someone I shared two years of my life with. Oh, please tell me how my world is dark despair because of this!! Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Why is that "LOL sigh"? I sure feel loads better, physically and mentally than I did months ago. No harm is/was done by talking to...there's no reason not to if I feel like it. That's a breadcrumb, unless you picked up the phone and called her... "Im having a bad day, let me get an ego boost from my ex to feel better about myself" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) That's a breadcrumb, unless you picked up the phone and called her... "Im having a bad day, let me get an ego boost from my ex to feel better about myself" No it isn't. Even if it was, does it really matter? It did no harm to me at all...so...who gives a **** if it was a "breadcrumb" or not. BTW, as for the "lol sigh" comment, perhaps it would be better to call up my friends and say "sorry guys, can't hang out cuz [ex] is gonna be there"....boy nothing says being over the ex like avoiding social gathering where they might be! Don't get me wrong, NC is the way to go if, say, even see your exes name somewhere hurts. But if it doesn't affect you, then who cares if you talk to your ex. I certainly don't care or feel bad when I talk to her....why do you feel bad for me? I ignored her and that was it. Not only was it not a breadcrumb, even if it wasn't I didn't bother with it. Look guys, I know I don't fit into your little compartments of human interaction here, and I'm sorry because it clearly throws you guys into a tizzy if people don't fit into your theories and gameplans, but oh well Edited July 11, 2012 by Gulf-Delta Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 You are lying. You did not ignore her. Um...lemme check my texts history.....yeah, see I'm not seeing any responses to her...once again, you're wrong. Then you say this... However, you say the following about how you felt talking with her: You took two different quotes from two different threads at two different times Your Ex isn't the person you think she is. Uh, yeah she is. Here's a clue bro...people sometimes change The thing is, I lived with her for two years. Spent quite a large amount of time with her. Call me crazy, but I think I know her at least a little better than someone who has never even met her. Just a hunch. You think your club whore party girl Ex who has no problem getting trashed, who is half naked and shaking her ass every night and dating and sleeping with all the players and "bad boys" cannot be upfront with you? WTF are you talking about? I tihnk you're projecting a bad experience YOU may have had, onto me, because none of that applies to my (or hers?) situation at all. Fact is, again, going off of experience of...you know...actually knowing her, if she wanted to get back together, she wouldn't tell me. That's just a fact. I know because I've lived it. I know because, again, you tend to get to know people after living with them for a while. Based on the fact that you insist on being your Ex's little b1tch... *sigh* No. Please, oh anointed one, in what way am I her bitch? Do I let her run my life? No. Do I quit all my career and hobbies hoping she'll return? No. Do I call/text/whatever? No. How could you possibly think she is scared or intimidated by you? I didn't say she was intimidated or scared...nor would I even want her to be. Back to what you said / felt about contact: You're quoting something from WEEKS ago, again. So you say that you want to be friends but it's conditional. 1. She is single. 2. You are not and will not be a priority. 3. Not only is she dating multiple men, she is also sleeping with them. 4. You were ditched not for one guy but many. 5. She also has been "BUSY" several times when you asked her to do things and has also blown you off too. I don't get the point here... 1. No she isn't. 2. Um, derp. That's why I broke up with her... 3. No, she isn't 4. No, I wasn't 5. Um, derp. That's why we don't talk much. Busy kinda means busy, right? Valiant effort You are so lost, have no idea what you are doing and incapable of being honest with yourself about your situation, your Ex, etc. How am I lost? I'm living in reality based on observances and experiences...I'm being honest with myself. Get over your God-complex pal. Please tell, where oh where am I going wrong? What have I done that's so bad that (according to you) my whole world is crumbling around me and the sun will never rise? You are 22, she was your first date, first kiss, first GF, first relationship, first love and the girl you lost your virginity too. *sigh*....yes, no, no, no, eh, yes, yes. Don't get me wrong, you're trying, and getting some things right, but if you throw enough darts, one of them has to stick, right? You are talking completely out your ass and preaching like it's gospel. Hello pot, I'm kettle If you want to continue to look desperate, needy, a chump, be her whipping boy, push her further away, reward her dumping you and screwing every bartender in town with your friendship.... By all means, Go Knock Yourself Out! Okay, I'll ask again. I'll be a little bit clearer in case it didn't get across before. In what way, am I being her "whipping boy", "pushing her farther away", "rewarding her dumping me"? What have I done, recently (I'll admit, I did some nasty things in the beginning), that makes me look needy/deperate/etc? "Oh my GOD! You said hi to her!!! You pussy, she hates you and doens't see you as a man anymore!" :laugh: For you own sake... I hope you find / discover your self-respect, self-worth, dignity, pride, self-esteem, ego, confidence, intelligence, etc. SOON! Look, dude, you're sick. Like, being totally legitimate, all kidding aside, you need help. You have serious pride issues, and whoever hurt you did a serious number on you. MAybe the stories of other breakups remind you of it, so it forces you to project all of your pain and experiences onto others? IDK, I'm no shrink, but what I do know is, you post around on here as if you were some clairvoyant and claim to be the end-all, be-all of information on not just relationships, but human interaction and thoughts as well. That screams God complex, and if that's the way you've always been, then it's no wonder you are where you are. For your sake, I hope you learn to one day see the world in a better light. Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I think you should direct your anger some place else, like the self improvement forum I get you're angry and I get that you need to take it out on someone or something, but that's not helping you getter better, happier. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts