Does anyone else think this NC mantra is a load of Horsesh*t ?

[whoknows11]

Everyone has their opinions. I was very skeptic about NC. Bailed out on it shortly and started talking to my ex gf (she dumped me). Im trying to be casual about everything even though i honestly really do want her back. But honestly i feel its going to set me back to square one. Possibly tear me apart as pathetic as it sounds. Im trying to prepare for whatever. But at times i believe i shouldve stayed with NC.

[carhill]

No Contact is a style of processing and recovery. It isn't universally healthy for everyone and every situation. It's an option to explore. The thread linked in my signature is a classic and moderate interpretation of the style.

 

I experimented with it long before the internet and the term existed to recover from an unhealthy affair and found it worked well. More recently, I practiced it during my divorce to keep the process business. For myself, my psychology, the style fits. For another, perhaps not. We're all different. When giving advice, I present it as an option and share the positives and negatives from long life experience. Hopefully, that's helpful.

[favoritepills]

NC's effectiveness depends on what your goal is. Using it to try to get your ex back is short-sighted and immature, so when your ex doesn't come back obviously you're going to think it's a load of bull-caca. NC isn't a tool to win your ex back, it's supposed to help you move on from the end of a relationship. You can't move on if you keep hanging on to little breadcrumbs from the person who dumped you.

 

Here's how NC worked for me in both ways:

 

He was my first love, and he dumped me because he thought I didn't love him as much as he loved me. (Somewhat true -- it took losing him to realize how much I loved him.) I was desperate, ready to throw myself at him for breakup sex, hang on to every word from him, but thankfully I came here and followed the advice to go NC.

 

If I hadn't gone NC: I would never have gotten around to working on my issues because I'd be so hung up on him, and my ex would have seen me as a miserable shell of my former self. He would wean himself off of me and lose interest in taking me back. Who wants to take back someone who's begging or stalking or constantly bugging you? How can you miss someone if they never really go away?

 

Even if I had come from a more logical place when contacting him, I don't think it would have worked out. He was the one who dumped me, therefore the change of heart has to come from inside him. If I have to convince someone to be with me, why do I want to be with them anyway? I'm better than that!

 

If I used NC to get him back: He MIGHT have come back, but it would have been for the wrong reasons. If I wasted my time waiting for that call or email, and jumped at the opportunity without a second thought, then I never would have taken the time to realize what went wrong with the relationship in the first place. The relationship would eventually fall apart for the same reason it did in the first place. Our relationship seemed perfect until the last two weeks -- I needed time and perspective to figure out what was driving us apart.

 

But since I used NC to move on: I felt great. I created my own happiness. I improved myself, worked on my issues, and realized that my life is awesome even without him in it. Over a week later, he called (I ignored it), he left a sappy voicemail (I didn't call back), and finally sent a long email about how wrong he was and how much he wanted me back. Thankfully, I was in a good enough headspace that I didn't just take him back no questions asked. We had long, level-headed conversations over phone and email detailing the flaws in our relationship and what steps we needed to take to fix them. Our relationship now is better than it was before the breakup! We gained maturity through the experience and have learned to value each other and respect each other's sense of identity. And we just moved in together over a week ago.

 

That's why I think your best shot with your ex is for you to truly move on. If they want you back, great, you get to start fresh. If they don't? That's okay, your life is amazing without them and you'll find someone else who gets how awesome you are.

[123321]

Why not just admit the relationship is dead and move on? NC stinks of manufactured drama.

[Tree_Salmon]

NC's effectiveness depends on what your goal is. Using it to try to get your ex back is short-sighted and immature, so when your ex doesn't come back obviously you're going to think it's a load of bull-caca. NC isn't a tool to win your ex back, it's supposed to help you move on from the end of a relationship. You can't move on if you keep hanging on to little breadcrumbs from the person who dumped you.

 

Here's how NC worked for me in both ways:

 

He was my first love, and he dumped me because he thought I didn't love him as much as he loved me. (Somewhat true -- it took losing him to realize how much I loved him.) I was desperate, ready to throw myself at him for breakup sex, hang on to every word from him, but thankfully I came here and followed the advice to go NC.

 

If I hadn't gone NC: I would never have gotten around to working on my issues because I'd be so hung up on him, and my ex would have seen me as a miserable shell of my former self. He would wean himself off of me and lose interest in taking me back. Who wants to take back someone who's begging or stalking or constantly bugging you? How can you miss someone if they never really go away?

 

Even if I had come from a more logical place when contacting him, I don't think it would have worked out. He was the one who dumped me, therefore the change of heart has to come from inside him. If I have to convince someone to be with me, why do I want to be with them anyway? I'm better than that!

 

If I used NC to get him back: He MIGHT have come back, but it would have been for the wrong reasons. If I wasted my time waiting for that call or email, and jumped at the opportunity without a second thought, then I never would have taken the time to realize what went wrong with the relationship in the first place. The relationship would eventually fall apart for the same reason it did in the first place. Our relationship seemed perfect until the last two weeks -- I needed time and perspective to figure out what was driving us apart.

 

But since I used NC to move on: I felt great. I created my own happiness. I improved myself, worked on my issues, and realized that my life is awesome even without him in it. Over a week later, he called (I ignored it), he left a sappy voicemail (I didn't call back), and finally sent a long email about how wrong he was and how much he wanted me back. Thankfully, I was in a good enough headspace that I didn't just take him back no questions asked. We had long, level-headed conversations over phone and email detailing the flaws in our relationship and what steps we needed to take to fix them. Our relationship now is better than it was before the breakup! We gained maturity through the experience and have learned to value each other and respect each other's sense of identity. And we just moved in together over a week ago.

 

That's why I think your best shot with your ex is for you to truly move on. If they want you back, great, you get to start fresh. If they don't? That's okay, your life is amazing without them and you'll find someone else who gets how awesome you are.

 

This is completely accurate.

 

NC is a way to work on yourself. If you use it as a strategy to manipulate then you'll end up getting something you dont want.

 

Just find your own happiness and then you regain your confidence. Once you move on anything is possible with an ex. Even not wanting them...ESPECIALLY not wanting them.

[123321]

Yes I agree that when its time that nothing will change the outcome and you will not get back together, NC is the way to go.

 

My problem with it here is it seems to be pandered as the only solution to the breakup.

 

We were friends before and I have no issue with being friends after, what is the big deal? Something was tried, good times were had, and it is over. Enjoy the happy memories and stop being dramatic.

[flitzanu]

so, everyone complaining about how NC is stupid and not the answer for everything...

 

what is your suggested method then?

[CopingGal]

Anyone who was abused physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc by their ex needs to go NC. Now if you really feel like you have to get out your feelings or get closure, you can try and then go NC. But remember these people are champion manipulators. You really need to go NC right away and get closure yourself.

 

There is NO other way. If there is, I would love to know it, but I'm still going NC. NC is a choice I made. IT was the only choice I could make. Only by going NC did I remove myself from the ongoing psychological abuse that my ex was inflicting on me.

 

Going NC stopped the lies, the disrespect, and the blantant cruelty towards me. It all ended with NC.

 

I went NC first. With him, it took 4 threats at different times to call the police on my part. Finally, in December, that jacka$$ went NC.

 

NC freed me from all of him nonsense...and I mean TOTAL NC, not looking him up on google. NO spying on him on Facebook. I have not broken NC since April 2nd when I told him in an email he was dead to me. I never, EVER want to break NC again. I want to go NC for life!!

[Gulf-Delta]

so, everyone complaining about how NC is stupid and not the answer for everything...

 

what is your suggested method then?

 

Your mind will tell you what to do when the time is right.

 

Immediate NC is a pretty huge shock to the system, and that's why some people may need to ease into it. If you start NC too early, it may end up causing more pain, confusion and anxiety.

 

So just listen to your gut. If your actions drive them away, provided you don't do anything scary/illegal, then they clearly don't understand you, and there was no chance anyway.

[Gulf-Delta]

Anyone who was abused physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc by their ex needs to go NC. Now if you really feel like you have to get out your feelings or get closure, you can try and then go NC. But remember these people are champion manipulators. You really need to go NC right away and get closure yourself.

 

There is NO other way. If there is, I would love to know it, but I'm still going NC. NC is a choice I made. IT was the only choice I could make. Only by going NC did I remove myself from the ongoing psychological abuse that my ex was inflicting on me.

 

Going NC stopped the lies, the disrespect, and the blantant cruelty towards me. It all ended with NC.

 

I went NC first. With him, it took 4 threats at different times to call the police on my part. Finally, in December, that jacka$$ went NC.

 

NC freed me from all of him nonsense...and I mean TOTAL NC, not looking him up on google. NO spying on him on Facebook. I have not broken NC since April 2nd when I told him in an email he was dead to me. I never, EVER want to break NC again. I want to go NC for life!!

 

Good for you.

 

I 100% agree in the case of an abusive relationship breakup. NC is the only choice.

[CopingGal]

Thanks. Yeah. He would say that if we ever broke up, he hoped we could be friends on facebook. He didn't tell me that he was going to psychologically and emotional abuse me, after the break up, though. I guess he conveniently left that part out.

[wilsonx]

People that suggest NC is stupid are people that want themselves to be tortured by drama of the past.

 

Look at how this post turned out, OPs life sucks so for an ego boost, he said something that he knew deep down was the "RIGHT" thing to do and turned it and used it as a weapon. "NC Mantra" (LOL). He created Drama within a thread so everyone here is reliving their own past

 

People that stay in contact with their ex's after a breakup for weeks, months even years after a breakup are pretty much validating to their ex's that their decision of breaking up with you or you them was correct because you are/were a chump and can't live life and move forward without them.

 

NC should not be used as a tool for "Ignoring/Manipulation" Its the right thing to do at the right time.

 

Trust me, if someone wants you back, they will blast through your NC walls. Nothing will stop them.

Edited July 12, 2012 by wilsonx

[whoknows11]

People that suggest NC is stupid are people that want themselves to be tortured by drama of the past.

 

Look at how this post turned out, OPs life sucks so for an ego boost, he said something that he knew deep down was the "RIGHT" thing to do and turned it and used it as a weapon. "NC Mantra" (LOL)

 

People that stay in contact with their ex's after a breakup for weeks, months even years after a breakup are pretty much validating to their ex's that their decision of breaking up with you or you them was correct because you are/were a chump and can't live life and move forward without them.

 

NC should not be used as a tool for "Ignoring/Manipulation" Its the right thing to do at the right time.

 

Trust me, if someone wants you back, they will blast through your NC walls. Nothing will stop them.

 

 

I completely agree honestly. I learned it the hard way. I thought that us staying in contact was her and myself's way of working on things together. As time went on it was just confusion, hurt,one word responses,and just worry. Each day. Also up and down with arguments. Then things started to clear up.

 

Then recent argument,gave space,broke it twice then finally stopped. Then contacted her the day before yesterday. Conversation went well. Texted back and forth for the day. Then yesterday we started talking and she just stopped responding. Convo didnt last long. She never wrote back. Tried texting her a couple times after she stopped responding, but got nothing for the whole rest of the day. Really hurt. But i learned the importance of NC now. I really regret even staying in contact with her. Staying in contact isnt worth it people. Trust me.

[CopingGal]

Now my ex from 2005 and I never had NC. But our relationship was very, very different. We had a relationship that was not romantic at all. It was so plutonic...so incredibly plutonic that there was not point in keeping the relationship going when I left town.

 

The transition was smooooth because the relationship of friendship we have now is the same thing. We don't hold each other, except for when one is very upset. We don't kiss at all. We don't share a bed in the apt. we share.

 

Our transition was so smooth because there was no romance in the relationship. Every once in a large, large while, I'll think about the past relationship and be mad for the lack of romance. But he is SUCH a wonderful person and has been a tremendous friend for me. In that case NC was not warranted. In the case of my first bf, it was not warranted. But in both cases I left town for school and although they made mistakes during the relationship for the most part, they were very good to me.

 

But other than that, I went NC, especially for this latest one. NC also helps me keep myself in line because both me and my roommate really, truly want to kick his a$$. But we don't. And going NC makes it easier to avoid those desires. My roommate went NC on him too. My roommate told him if he ever came to see us, he would have him arrested.

Edited July 12, 2012 by CopingGal

[Zammo25]

People that suggest NC is stupid are people that want themselves to be tortured by drama of the past.

 

Look at how this post turned out, OPs life sucks so for an ego boost, he said something that he knew deep down was the "RIGHT" thing to do and turned it and used it as a weapon. "NC Mantra" (LOL). He created Drama within a thread so everyone here is reliving their own past

 

People that stay in contact with their ex's after a breakup for weeks, months even years after a breakup are pretty much validating to their ex's that their decision of breaking up with you or you them was correct because you are/were a chump and can't live life and move forward without them.

 

NC should not be used as a tool for "Ignoring/Manipulation" Its the right thing to do at the right time.

 

Trust me, if someone wants you back, they will blast through your NC walls. Nothing will stop them.

 

Do you get off on being so rude to people in emotional turmoil. You may consider yourself to be the LS guru but as a Human Being with any empathy or understanding you are cold and heartless person.

[Blastoplast]

As far as NC and Breadcrumbs or even GIGS are concerned, I'll say this: not everything is black and white

 

Every situation is different. My EX and I broke up because of her financial situation that was putting a strain on our relationship. We're now focusing on bettering ourselves. Do I love her? Yes. Do I wish we would work this out together? Yes. Do I think there's a future for us? Yes. But say I move away with her, and she finds a great job and I find a crappy job. Then the roles are reversed, it wouldn't be fair to EITHER of us. I did NC for a while with her, but it just didn't feel right. While we may not be lovers, we're still best friends -- and you never know what can happen in life, she might not be there tomorrow. I went from being sad/depressed to bitter/angry to pity/sorrow for her in the course of 3 months. I just want her to better herself. She knows how great of a couple we were, and that I think the world of her, but she can't love me until she loves herself first. She's just lacking her soul and confidence right now and she's just not the same person she used to be, but it's hiding there somewhere deep down. I want to help her any way I can because I LOVE her, and nothing can change that. So I'm going to embrace what she wants because I've accepted it. So I'm supposed to have No Contact with her because I was heartbroken? Well I tried it, and it didn't feel right. I mean, I'm still in love with her and I love her -- but I know we can't be a couple right now so I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

 

Just do what you think is right. Only YOU know your wisdom and maturity level, don't let posters on here tell you otherwise. I've learned A LOT about myself in the past 3 months and I feel like a much stronger person for it. I know I'm mature enough to respect her decisions, and accept what she's doing rather than dwell on it and think about what I could have done differently.

[Tree_Salmon]

People that suggest NC is stupid are people that want themselves to be tortured by drama of the past.

 

Look at how this post turned out, OPs life sucks so for an ego boost, he said something that he knew deep down was the "RIGHT" thing to do and turned it and used it as a weapon. "NC Mantra" (LOL). He created Drama within a thread so everyone here is reliving their own past

 

People that stay in contact with their ex's after a breakup for weeks, months even years after a breakup are pretty much validating to their ex's that their decision of breaking up with you or you them was correct because you are/were a chump and can't live life and move forward without them.

 

NC should not be used as a tool for "Ignoring/Manipulation" Its the right thing to do at the right time.

 

Trust me, if someone wants you back, they will blast through your NC walls. Nothing will stop them.

 

This is true.

 

I don't see where the big debate is.

 

If someone wants to be with you they will push through those barriers.

 

Using NC as a means of moving on is the only thing that should be encouraged but only for certain people. I think its natural to spend time away from the person that broke your heart. Gives you time to reflect.

 

Using it as a means of manipulation is what most people want to hear. That doesn't work.

[Blastoplast]

Now my ex from 2005 and I never had NC. But our relationship was very, very different. We had a relationship that was not romantic at all. It was so platonic...so incredibly platonic that there was not point in keeping the relationship going when I left town.

 

The transition was smooooth because the relationship of friendship we have now is the same thing. We don't hold each other, except for when one is very upset. We don't kiss at all. We don't share a bed in the apt. we share.

 

Our transition was so smooth because there was no romance in the relationship. Every once in a large, large while, I'll think about the past relationship and be mad for the lack of romance. But he is SUCH a wonderful person and has been a tremendous friend for me. In that case NC was not warranted.

 

This describes my EX and my situation perfectly -- except that we used to be romantic but she has had insecurity issues that caused our love-life to run dry. She is such a great person, and I hope she finds herself again. For me, I'm single and living life to it's fullest. If there's a girl that I click with, I might be down for a little ticklin' around, but I'm not looking for anything serious that's for sure.

[CopingGal]

Just do what you think is right. Only YOU know your wisdom and maturity level, don't let posters on here tell you otherwise.

 

I agree, do what you think it right. However, I don't agee with the OP's opinon that NC is crap. I also don't think anyone who strongly suggests NC is trying to take anyone's choices away. They feel strongly about it because it works.

 

I don't understand this thread. If you want to do NC, do it. If you don't want to do NC, don't do it. I strongly agree with NC, and think people who have been abused absolutely should do it. But I'm not Dr. Phil. The OP should just do what he wants to do instead of trying to convince people NC is crap.

Edited July 12, 2012 by CopingGal

[betterdeal]

I agree, do what you think it right. However, I don't agee with the OP's opinon that NC is crap. I also don't think anyone who strongly suggests NC is trying to take anyone's choices away. They feel strongly about it because it works.

 

I don't understand this thread. If you want to do NC, do it. If you don't want to do NC, don't do it. I strongly agree with NC, and think people who have been abused absolutely should do it. But I'm not Dr. Phil. The OP should just do what he wants to do instead of trying to convince people NC is crap.

 

To be fair, if he believes it is crap and doesn't work then expressing that is fine, just as you, me , anyone expressing the opposite opinion is fine. He can give his advice as much as anyone else can: we're just sharing our realities, after all.

 

What bothers me about this thread is that the OP feels his well being was harmed because he took the advice he received. Almost all advice is a form nostalgia, and just someone trying to apply their experience to your situation.

 

Ultimately, it's your choice to follow that advice or reject it. Every decision is a chance taken, and so long as you see each decision you make as being someone else's choice, you'll feel disenfranchised, robbed, out of control of your own life.

 

So dig deeper: ask yourself why did you agree to NC? If it was a mistake in your view, what can you change in the way you operate to reduce the risk of a similar mistake in the future? Learning better critical analysis? More self-confidence?

 

Or was it actually something you wanted to do?

 

Whatever the reason you decided to lose contact with that person, that's what you have ownership of and what you have the best chance of changing if you wish to.

[flitzanu]

Do you get off on being so rude to people in emotional turmoil. You may consider yourself to be the LS guru but as a Human Being with any empathy or understanding you are cold and heartless person.

 

no my friend, cynicism is merely truth that you don't want to believe.

 

the empathy lies in us telling you the BETTER option in this emotional turmoil. just because it hurts and it sucks doesn't mean he's rude. trust me. in a year from now, you'll probably understand.

[CopingGal]

To be fair, if he believes it is crap and doesn't work then expressing that is fine, just as you, me , anyone expressing the opposite opinion is fine. He can give his advice as much as anyone else can: we're just sharing our realities, after all.

 

 

 

Okay. You say that well. I agree with you.

[Svet74]

As far as NC and Breadcrumbs or even GIGS are concerned, I'll say this: not everything is black and white

 

Every situation is different. My EX and I broke up because of her financial situation that was putting a strain on our relationship. We're now focusing on bettering ourselves. Do I love her? Yes. Do I wish we would work this out together? Yes. Do I think there's a future for us? Yes. But say I move away with her, and she finds a great job and I find a crappy job. Then the roles are reversed, it wouldn't be fair to EITHER of us. I did NC for a while with her, but it just didn't feel right. While we may not be lovers, we're still best friends -- and you never know what can happen in life, she might not be there tomorrow. I went from being sad/depressed to bitter/angry to pity/sorrow for her in the course of 3 months. I just want her to better herself. She knows how great of a couple we were, and that I think the world of her, but she can't love me until she loves herself first. She's just lacking her soul and confidence right now and she's just not the same person she used to be, but it's hiding there somewhere deep down. I want to help her any way I can because I LOVE her, and nothing can change that. So I'm going to embrace what she wants because I've accepted it. So I'm supposed to have No Contact with her because I was heartbroken? Well I tried it, and it didn't feel right. I mean, I'm still in love with her and I love her -- but I know we can't be a couple right now so I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

 

Just do what you think is right. Only YOU know your wisdom and maturity level, don't let posters on here tell you otherwise. I've learned A LOT about myself in the past 3 months and I feel like a much stronger person for it. I know I'm mature enough to respect her decisions, and accept what she's doing rather than dwell on it and think about what I could have done differently.

 

 

I like this because i can relate to this situation. I cant do NC with my ex. I know that he wants to be with me but he cant because he knows he has to change first. ANd be able to provide for me. At the moment I have everything, and he lost everything. And it doesnt take One day for him to be what he wants to be, it takes time. we all have issues.

[Oncehadluv]

I like this because i can relate to this situation. I cant do NC with my ex. I know that he wants to be with me but he cant because he knows he has to change first. ANd be able to provide for me. At the moment I have everything, and he lost everything. And it doesnt take One day for him to be what he wants to be, it takes time. we all have issues.

 

 

so by you letting him have contact but dont care enough to be a CONTRIBUTOR to him getting on his feet that makes you feel better about yourself? yes you have issues and its clear your of no emotional/monitary support to a partner

[spives]

NC does work. I think some people are disappointed because they are misled into thinking that it's a magical method that will bring their ex crawling back. NC, when used with the correct motivation, absolutely helps you to see that you can function just fine without this person and that your happiness is not dependent on them. It's a tool that is supposed to ease your suffering as the person who got dumped.

 

The only situation where it will really work with any degree of certainty in bringing someone back is if they broke up with you for a logical reason but still feel attracted to you. Maybe you were too difficult or incompatible, their family didn't like you, etc. so they broke it off, maybe reluctantly, to cut both of your losses. In this situation NC can (and has in my case) work because your ex will be thinking about you, missing you and wondering what you're doing without them... wondering why you are doing so well despite the recent break.

 

It can put things in perspective for them, help their perception of your character by showing them that you are not as weak and pathetic as they may have thought, and in some cases make them so paranoid and jealous that they just have to have you back. It sounds sleezy to describe it like that but it's very true in some case.