Does anyone else think this NC mantra is a load of Horsesh*t ?

[Oncehadluv]

It was a joint problem, she did not communicate to me her feelings, it was frustration after feeling her withdrawal, now I wish I had spoken at length face to face and that was my mistake, just letting it fizzle out, may have made no difference and if we had lived together, it may have happened 2 years down the line, who knows ? I am determined to make myself a better person and learn from my mistakes and do have a self sabotaging issue but after an inititial wow phase for 3 months the intimacy wained and I did not know how to keep it going, it takes 2 though and I guess I did not understand her, but again, it goes both ways. I just think you are being very harsh on Gulf-Delta and you do seems very black or white with no middle ground. No offense intended.

 

 

 

so you know whats going on in your ex"s head but and steer your own boat, then you take responsibilty for her throwing your feelings in a meat grinder.

 

people here who are a tad more balanced and have experience can see in your posts what you dont.

 

you need god my friend

[Gulf-Delta]

LOL he's 22 and knows it all.

 

He's the sheep that strays from the pack and will be eaten by the wolves.

 

You're just a projecting fool in GIGS trying to validate a reason to contact your ex ex.

 

Look at the title of this thread... painting NC black and all the advice given which you know deep down is CORRECT for your own self validation to contact that ex. Emotional Immaturity at its finest. Lie to yourself and everyone around you and cross your fingers and pray and hope that you get what you want. Wait theres another name for this, Manipulation

 

I never claimed to "know it all". That's your territory. My mind set for quite some time has been that none really knows anything about the future, or what their ex is thinking.

 

I have yet to be a sheep in anyway, and have not/will not be "eaten by wolves".

 

Trying to fit everyone into your own personal box is foolish. You're trying to paint me and others as victims if they talk to their ex, but guess what? That isn't always the case. Certainly not mine, at least.

 

I've talked to my ex somewhat recently. And here I am. I'm alive, I'm happy, I don't hate her, don't question her, not at home crying about why she blew me off, not cussing her out....if I talk to my ex, and am still in the positive, then what difference does it make? What's in the past is in the past. I have no reason to be bitter anymore, I'm not hurt by her anymore, so why should I avoid her?

Edited July 11, 2012 by Gulf-Delta

[Oncehadluv]

dude you know darn well if your ex threw a stick 100 yards away you would stop your life and do whatvever you can to fetch it.

[Gulf-Delta]

dude you know darn well if your ex threw a stick 100 yards away you would stop your life and do whatvever you can to fetch it.

 

Nope.

 

I've already made perfectly clear that unless she's asking for forgiveness, or wanting to have a legitimate conversation, we have no need to contact each other.

 

The relationship is over. Sure, I tried my hardest to get it back, and I quit playing that game. I'm done with it, and have been for some weeks now. That's why we don't talk. She's preoccupied, I'm not chasing her anymore, so we don't talk unless we happen to be with some mutual friends.

[Oncehadluv]

Nope.

 

I've already made perfectly clear that unless she's asking for forgiveness, or wanting to have a legitimate conversation, we have no need to contact each other.

 

The relationship is over. Sure, I tried my hardest to get it back, and I quit playing that game. I'm done with it, and have been for some weeks now. That's why we don't talk. She's preoccupied, I'm not chasing her anymore, so we don't talk unless we happen to be with some mutual friends.

 

 

 

sounds like a girl who didnt give a shiz about ya, why wait for her to ask for forgiveness?? if she cant have a legitament convo without all this bargaining then that shows what kind of woman she is

 

GOOD LUCK!

[Gulf-Delta]

sounds like a girl who didnt give a shiz about ya, why wait for her to ask for forgiveness?? if she cant have a legitament convo without all this bargaining then that shows what kind of woman she is

 

GOOD LUCK!

 

Well, it's complicated I suppose. She cared once. Still does. Things just changed between us. I know who she is, that's why we fell in love, that why I proposed, that's why we almost married.

 

If she was a bad person, or didn't give a ****, I wouldn't have gotten involved with her. If she didn't care, we wouldn't have set a wedding date. Nothing can change the past. At one time, undeniably, she was the greatest person I ever met. Nothing can change the history, for her or me.

 

I know who she is. She doesn't seem to sure, according to various sources. Not my problem anymore. I still miss who she was, of course, but I'm not gnna fight with her anymore. It's too draining. It's much less stressful to just be a normal person, and interact with her civilly, if we happen to cross paths.

 

She knows what I want out of a relationship. She can't provide it anymore, that's why we split. It's really as simple as that. I don't think she'll come back, but if she does, she knows how it needs to be. Maybe time apart, seeing other people, etc. just needs to happen....who the f*ck knows. I don't. No one does.

 

It's been much easier to kinda just let it all go and leave it up to fate, I guess. Whatever will be, will be. If hse decides to come back, we can talk. If she never does, then I can take solace in the fact I had her in my life when she was at her best, and am lucky to be with her during that time.

Edited July 11, 2012 by Gulf-Delta

[JesseMartin]

Well, it's complicated I suppose. She cared once. Still does. Things just changed between us. I know who she is, that's why we fell in love, that why I proposed, that's why we almost married.

 

If she was a bad person, or didn't give a ****, I wouldn't have gotten involved with her. If she didn't care, we wouldn't have set a wedding date. Nothing can change the past. At one time, undeniably, she was the greatest person I ever met. Nothing can change the history, for her or me.

 

I know who she is. She doesn't seem to sure, according to various sources. Not my problem anymore. I still miss who she was, of course, but I'm not gnna fight with her anymore. It's too draining. It's much less stressful to just be a normal person, and interact with her civilly, if we happen to cross paths.

 

She knows what I want out of a relationship. She can't provide it anymore, that's why we split. It's really as simple as that. I don't think she'll come back, but if she does, she knows how it needs to be. Maybe time apart, seeing other people, etc. just needs to happen....who the f*ck knows. I don't. No one does.

 

It's been much easier to kinda just let it all go and leave it up to fate, I guess. Whatever will be, will be. If hse decides to come back, we can talk. If she never does, then I can take solace in the fact I had her in my life when she was at her best, and am lucky to be with her during that time.

 

Hey man, I don't know your entire story, but you make it sound like you're coming from a place where you're in control. Awesome man, a lot of guys going through similar situations would kill for being in control.

 

For me, back in the day, NC was the only way I could get back in control of my life and disentangle my emotions from my rationale. If anything, that's what NC does for you. Sounds like you're pretty disentangled already. If seeing your ex doesn't give you relapse feelings, and thinking of worst case scenarios like seeing her being intimate with another guy don't mess with your mind, then my friend, I don't see why you would need NC.

 

I believe the vast majority of people seeking help are not in control and are going to be benefitted by going NC. I know I was.

[Zammo25]

so you know whats going on in your ex"s head but and steer your own boat, then you take responsibilty for her throwing your feelings in a meat grinder.

 

people here who are a tad more balanced and have experience can see in your posts what you dont.

 

you need god my friend

 

God ? Maybe but he was busy so I had to make do with a therapist I am seeing next week instead. I made mistakes and have some issues I need to resolve before I can make a new relationship work. I was good to the ex so I can look in the mirror in that I was loving, loyal and never cheated and never would. We just blew it between us. I have had my closure now and will work on making myself a better person.

[Edtheduck]

This is an interesting topic and has caused quite a stir!

 

I'll add my view, but this is only based upon what has happened in my life.

 

I've always done NC after a breakup, in 3 previous major relationships. NC bring deleting the number, forcin myself to forget about them, and moving on. I've NEVER had an ex come back to me and change their minds, wanting to reconcile. So in this way NC has been good for moving on. Of course, with one of these previous ex's, I wanted there to be a chance, but it never came.

 

Fast forward to my current ex, 3 months on since BU, I've not done what I normally do. Why? I still love the girl, that's why. And I still hope, as little as it may be, for her to return. Don't get me wrong, during the 3 month period I've had a 1 month spell of NC from me. This time, my ex has sent breadcrumbs. And me being me, foolish maybe, responded.

 

Currently, it's a mix. LC, but very light at that. I don't feel bad when I don't hear from her, as I've accepted the BU and identified issues why it happened. I've also forgiven her and to be honest feel nothing bad. What I do know, is I miss her.

 

So...for me right now, a mixture of NC and LC works. NC to make my mind and heart stronger, identifying issues where I can improve myself and of course getting into my brain that it's more than likely, as is my history, my ex won't return. LC works in that it's a reminder to us both that we're still in eachothers thoughts. A realisation that things needed doing for a reason, but not all barriers are completely closed. There's no hurt anymore, just the acceptance were two people living different lives, but still around.

 

Of course, this could ALL change if one or the other was involved with someone else. Then, it's NC all the way. Although the thought of my ex with someone doesn't hurt me if I'm honest.

 

So...NC and LC can work if the situation merited it. Just my view.

[123321]

This NC mantra is quite annoying really. It is like some brainwashing, like an insidious cult telling EVERYONE no matter what the circumstances are, no matter what the story is, no matter what the factors are , you MUST go NC ! It is ridiculous ...

 

Yeah, it's pretty much horsesh*t, but it's sh*t people like .

[Tree_Salmon]

So ok NC is used to actually move on. Not to get your ex back

 

Then what do you do if you want your ex back? what do you do differently?

 

You cant just magically make your ex come back with NC.

 

Moving on is actually giving you the BEST CHANCE. and even then a break up is usually irreversible. You might get back with her but it'll just end at some point. In most cases.

 

Moving on is the most important thing because its all about YOU and not about anyone else. When you're feeling good by yourself other people will gravitate toward you. and at that point who cares about your ex?

 

You have to learn to understand this.

[k100danny]

I don't believe it is 100% the way to go in every situation and I don't think that is what is "preached" straight after a break up I'm certain nobody goes 100% no contact, once you have had a couple of days though limited contact and then NC is the way to go. Even if it is just to gather your thoughts and be able to think clearly again.

 

I have done the whole text your ex a lot in previous relationship after the break up and to be honest I can't speak for every person but you aren't being yourself at all, you want a reaction or a reply and you don't want to be friends. After my breakup the one before this i was a mess for months, looking on fb, contacting my ex ect and it was VERY hard to get over. This time the break up I just went through around a month ago we had a little bit of contact for say 2-3 days then I went nc, she contacted me a few times after say 4-7 days of nc and i replied. Don't get me wrong It still hurts but it has made it easier, I asked her to remove me from facebook because i guess i was still hanging onto that in some way even though I didnt look at it probably out of fear of what i may see. she did remove me around a week later. we had a brief text the other day as I was asking about a watch she had of mine that she said she would return that is very valuable and sentimental (not an excuse to contact her) I kept it very brief and since have not contacted her again, Don't get me wrong I do wonder what she is up to, I wouldnt like to hear she was with someone else but straight after a break up NC or limited to as little a you can helps.

 

Good relationships don't need saving and hard work they are good. Of course relationships you compromise but if this person has broken up with you there is nothing you can do to make them come back, even if they do im 99% sure it will soon fail again.

 

If someone loves you and they know how much you love them which im sure they do, they don't need reminding constantly or manipulating back into a relationship. I still care greatly for my ex and i wish her nothing but good luck with her life and happiness but until i can picture her with someone else and i can totally be who i want around her or while talking to her without editing my behaviour then i will have as little contact as possible and only when needed.

[123321]

If one has to ignore people in order to live a normal life, there is a serious emotional deficiency exhibited. They were a part of your life, now they are not. Save the drama for your mama, as they say.

[Gulf-Delta]

Hey man, I don't know your entire story, but you make it sound like you're coming from a place where you're in control. Awesome man, a lot of guys going through similar situations would kill for being in control.

 

For me, back in the day, NC was the only way I could get back in control of my life and disentangle my emotions from my rationale. If anything, that's what NC does for you. Sounds like you're pretty disentangled already. If seeing your ex doesn't give you relapse feelings, and thinking of worst case scenarios like seeing her being intimate with another guy don't mess with your mind, then my friend, I don't see why you would need NC.

 

I believe the vast majority of people seeking help are not in control and are going to be benefitted by going NC. I know I was.

 

Oh sure, there are still feelings there...I wish things had worked out different for her and I. There's still emotions with her, but not to the point where my whole world spirals out of control if I see her or anything like. It's more like a thing of "Wow, that's too bad". The "worst case scenario" thoughts hurt some, but it really helps if you just remind yourself how great you were to them.

 

As for being in control, I guess so in some aspects...but I realize sometimes, that I have to not be in control sometimes and let fate take over, regardless of consequence.

 

Ultimately, most of us here want a second chance with our exes...but we've already tried our hardest to make it happen...since there's nothing we can do about it anymore, all we can do is let time do whatever it needs to do. It could bring them back, it could not. No one knows. You just have to let the chips fall where they may.

 

That's the phase I'm at now. Do I wish that at the very least my ex and I can just clear the air? Yes. Do I want her back? Sure. But I don't let it run my life anymore. I don't stay up crying over it anymore. I still have down days, but they're not as frequent as they once were. IMO, there's nothing wrogn with wanting or hoping your ex comes back...it's when you start letting that hope run your life, that it becomes a problem. I've moved passed all that, have started focusing on my career/studies and hobbies more than I ever have. And that's what I define as moving forward.

[k100danny]

So today I broke NC and spoke with a mutual friend and my ex who I still want to be with. Turns out she had waited a bit for me to contact her before she allowed someone else to start getting close to her. Thank you so much for all the people screaming NC here. Should have never let the idea into my head

 

 

this could just be an excuse to shift blame, also if THEY broke up with you and waited for you to chase them that shows what they think of you.

[CopingGal]

It is like the whole of the LS community are sheep, zombies, incapable of having a mind of their own and feel the ONLY way no matter what the circumstance is to go NC.

 

You know what, the people on this board know exactly what they are talking about. And how do they know? Because they are the ones that went through the agony, the sleepless nights, being cheated on, being made fools out of, being hit, being victimized, being taken advantage of, being verbally spat on. These people lived it and NC got them through their living nightmares. That's how they know NC works!

[Zammo25]

So today I broke NC and spoke with a mutual friend and my ex who I still want to be with. Turns out she had waited a bit for me to contact her before she allowed someone else to start getting close to her. Thank you so much for all the people screaming NC here. Should have never let the idea into my head

 

This is my point. I went NC for 6 weeks and all it did was ruin any chance I had something I bitterly regret now. If you love someone, tell them, exhaust all avenues. If they meant so much to you how can ignoring them as if they are of no worth to you do any good ? It just reinforces to them you don't give a damn. I think NC is HORSES*IT and am not afraid to say it even though I know I will flamed for it.

[Zammo25]

Sorry but I think LS is full of cynics and people who can see no good of any situation and the blanket NC has killed off any chances of reconciliation for a lot of people. There I have said it.

[flitzanu]

This is my point. I went NC for 6 weeks and all it did was ruin any chance I had something I bitterly regret now. If you love someone, tell them, exhaust all avenues. If they meant so much to you how can ignoring them as if they are of no worth to you do any good ? It just reinforces to them you don't give a damn. I think NC is HORSES*IT and am not afraid to say it even though I know I will flamed for it.

 

so what you're saying is that by simply not talking to your ex, you ruined your chance?

 

that's just dense.

 

also you're confusing "no contact" with meaning "ignore". there's a difference.

 

with NC you're making the choice to no longer communicate with a person.

 

with "ignoring" you're making the conscious, intentional effort to refuse conversation.

 

not to mention, the way you're discussing "NC" is that it's a "method" and that you "failed" because of it.

 

that shows me you're still not getting it. NC is not a method for anything. it's simply the advice that you STOP TALKING TO SOMEONE that dumped you.

 

again, best analogy made on here (by whoever it was) is that if you get fired from a job, do you still show up to work and hanging around your job after you get fired?

 

no.

 

same as someone dumps you. you don't keep going around them. they chose to push you from their life.

[wilsonx]

He's just painting it black, senses emotional distance...

 

He has one that got away and trying to find fault/blame others for his own actions because what he did did not work to win her back.

[Zammo25]

so what you're saying is that by simply not talking to your ex, you ruined your chance?

 

that's just dense.

 

also you're confusing "no contact" with meaning "ignore". there's a difference.

 

with NC you're making the choice to no longer communicate with a person.

 

with "ignoring" you're making the conscious, intentional effort to refuse conversation.

 

not to mention, the way you're discussing "NC" is that it's a "method" and that you "failed" because of it.

 

that shows me you're still not getting it. NC is not a method for anything. it's simply the advice that you STOP TALKING TO SOMEONE that dumped you.

 

again, best analogy made on here (by whoever it was) is that if you get fired from a job, do you still show up to work and hanging around your job after you get fired?

 

no.

 

same as someone dumps you. you don't keep going around them. they chose to push you from their life.

 

NC = Ignore.

[flitzanu]

NC = Ignore.

 

hey i just posted a big paragraph for you to read. go do that.

 

nc and ignore require the same actions.

 

one of them means you're being an immature prick, the other means you're trying to move on.

[k100danny]

They way i see NC is this. I will not go out of my way to contact my ex, tell her im hurt, tell her i care ect. If I need to contact her for a reason that isn't just so I can get a reply then I will, I don't see it as ignoring either I just see it as if she chooses to contact me and she has a reason of course I would not be rude I would reply it's just about refusing to play the game and getting back to being yourself.

 

I wouldn't ignore her unless I thought it would effect me in a bad way by replying.

[rAFC]

Some people get slapped in the face and then go back for another slap.

 

Some people get slapped in the face and say once is enough, I don't associate with people who slap me in the face.

 

The difference between these two types of people is self-respect. If you don't respect yourself, don't expect others to respect you either.

[Tree_Salmon]

hey i just posted a big paragraph for you to read. go do that.

 

nc and ignore require the same actions.

 

one of them means you're being an immature prick, the other means you're trying to move on.

 

This is true. I naturally don't like talking to people i cant trust. Therefore, when some dumb ass messes with me I stop talking to her.

 

If she says something worth answering then I will gladly answer her. I never make a conscious effort to ignore anyone. I just don't initiate contact. That's what "NC" is to me.

 

If you think NC is a way to mess with someone then you need to grow some balls and learn how to deal with your issues.