guide me

[concernedcousin]

Someone please help me figure out what to do for my cousin. She stays with her mother who has a long history of abuse on anyone she feels is weaker than she is social services has been involved several times and hasn't done anything, my cousin is only 11 yrs old and talks about killing herself or running away just to make it stop and im very afraid of this bc i know first hand what her mother can drive you too. I know i should document these events but i can't outside of writing down when she used to be able to call me after she got hit i have no way of getting photos and her mother is good at not leaving a mark for proof, as with many cases the child is afraid if she tells the truth she will get hurt worse for it, her mother cusses her in ways you cant imagine someone speaking to a child and persists to threaten her life or to knock her teeth down her throat, she punches and throws the child around just like she did me as a child im currently not allowed to have contact with my young cousin bc i called social services but i do my best to keep track of her safety through her friends. I informed CPS that i would gladly take the child in and that i could provide what she needs i informed them of the suicide threats and runaway threats they just dont seem to care but i do i feel like the longer they wait the more likely i am to get a call or read an article saying she killed herself. Ive gone extensively into trying to locate her biological father with no luck he is not aware of the abuse so plz dont think he is a bad person or that he refuses to help he was threatened into not seeing his daughter many yrs ago. Her mother is dangerous and has been since the child was born i mean honest to god she held her new born baby over a burning wood stove and threatened to drop her if she didnt get her way she uses the child as leverage to get her wants met or to make her seem helpless but this is NOT the case she abuses her daughter bc she knows her daughter has no option but her at this time. i feel so lost and helpless ive seen the abuse ive heard it and ive stepped in i have seen the look in my baby cousins eyes and i know the look as desperate to make it stop ive listened to her explain the abuse and done all i could to help her even gave her a phone that her mother broke just so she couldnt call me for help. aside from CPS ive contacted childrens advocacy centers and lawyers no one seems to know what i should do at this point i wish i could take her and run far away but i know she wouldnt be able to live happily or get the education she needs if i do that she is so young and dealing with so much she cant understand no child should be like this her childhood is already forever tainted but if i could just get someone to help me i can guide her back to a normal chance seeing as ive been exactly where she is with the exact same person......im begging you anyone please help me find a way to save her before its too late......

[spiderowl]

This sounds really awful and must be heartbreaking for you. It is really difficult if social services are not listening. One wonders why.

 

Can you think of any evidence at all of what the mother is up to? If the child will not say anything and no marks are left, it's difficult. The child's behaviour is some sort of evidence so it's worth documenting that. I know documenting sounds pathetic when what you really want to do is to rescue the child now but it may help and sooner than you think, so if you can make notes.

 

The only other thing I can suggest is that you contact all help agencies - social services, any other child-protection organisations, with your information. Be a pest. If you think you can back it up in any way, i.e. you know it happened to the child, then put it in writing and send it to the agencies. Official organisations get worried when stuff is put in writing, especially if you keep copies of the letters. It means they can't ignore it, unlike a verbal report which can get misheard, misunderstood or be unrecorded. They have to respond to a letter and record their own response. They know that if they don't respond appropriately, they could face censure later on if they didn't act properly.

 

If you bother people enough they won't be able to ignore you. The only things I would be careful of is saying anything you know is untrue as that could be slander. Be sure of your information before acting. Ideally, make notes of what the child says/does that you can provide if asked where you got these ideas from. Good luck.

[Ducky23]

I'll add to the above post. I was in your cousins situation at her age, but quite worse with added abuse. Except I talked, a lot. To counselors, social services, police, CPS, anyone who would listen. And they called me a liar. Because I usually didn't have marks and I fought back. I found my refuge in juvinile. I became close with the sheriffs and I ran away. They saw the marks my mother left. But they charged me instead for a few different reasons. One policeman explained it that out in life, I was in danger from more people than my mother (this was very very true), and that to charge me with a mid-range crime would get me safe long enough to deal with it and maybe she would get better. When I was locked up I became close with the staff of the juvinile and institution I was sent to. Including the prosecuting attorney and my own defense attorney who both worked hard to give me the sentence I requested. They saw the marks and I wasn't shy about telling my story. My history. They saw and read the reports through CPS and knew I wasn't making it up. But CPS wouldn't take us. Because my mother lied her drunken a** off and made it out to be me looking for attention/lying. I did attempt suicide. On more than one occasion. When I was 13 I left home and the cops stopped taking me back. They knew I'd thrown in the towel and quit trying to fix my mother. I couldn't stand it anymore. And they wouldn't be the ones to put me back. 10 years later I can say that the lessons I learned through all of it, the drugs, living on the streets, the abuse, the angels I found in law enforcement.. Were all worth it.

Number one point: she needs to talk. You should be able to (depending on your state) be able to take custody of her, but ONLY if you can prove her mother is unfit and a threat to her well-being.

Point number two: she needs an advocate. Someone she feels safe talking to. Her mother needs to be put in jail. I know she's young, and that she's scared. Yes the abuse can get much worse when the victim talks. It did with my mom. But she's big enough to call 9-1-1. And she's old enough to be in school. She should be talking to a school counselor. If she can show them a bruise, a mark, anything, and make them believe she's scared to go home they can help her.

Point number three: document EVERYTHING. I'm serious. Write it down. Put it on paper. When, where, who, how, everything. Including your own experience with this woman. Yes it can help her case. But number one, she has to be willing to talk.

As a close, I want to say thank you. Thank you for caring and for standing up and wanting to help. For talking and seeking advice. It is a long hard road, and it doesn't always end up the way we want. But she needs someone to protect her. To care about her. You are that person. And that is amazing.

[concernedcousin]

I have documented what i can when i can, currently her mother wont let me have access to her or let her have access to a phone, ive told attorneys about all cases i could recall where her mother had violence even dating back to her school years even they say since im a cousin i dont stand a good chance of getting her. I told them i could get witnesses backing her mothers history of violence no one seems to care. advocacy centers wont help without a referral from CPS and CPS wont help unless there are marks, they stated to me that even if the child speaks up they have to believe the parent over the child?!? I was shocked of course the abuser will say they have done nothing its not like they are going to confess. Her mother even went as far as stabbing her husband once I've researched this to death called every number i can find explained again and again the situation and im getting no where i even called the system failure line and all they did was connect me back to d.s.s without even letting me explain :-( this little girl is in danger and they say bc of budget cuts they cant help...how can you put a price or budget on children ill never understand that and without being able to speak to her i cant document the abuse. ive seen the look in her eyes she doesnt want to go on like this and im afraid she will break and end it i wont be able to handle it if something happens to her i love her like my own child and she needs me but i cant help. does anyone know of anything ive overlooked? besides whats been mentioned ive done everything in the replies and im getting no results im afraid it will be too late soon if they dont do something now she will....

[spiderowl]

It seems incredible that child protection services there don't listen to the child; I hope it would be different here in the UK. In fact, I'm pretty sure they would take a child seriously here. It might be worth finding out about what child protection services are obliged to respond to, legally speaking. What are their duties and responsibilities as enshrined in law? What are the trigger points at which they should act? Do their rules actually say they can't do anything unless there are marks? If you can find something in their own regulations which indicates they should act, you could point that out. Also, it might help you to know that something specific that you are not currently aware of might be a trigger. Maybe something's already happened that they should have responded to, according to their own rules.

 

I wonder if you could apply for custody and go to court to explain why you need it? At least you would be heard in open court by a judge then and surely they would have to investigate? I know this would cost money and I don't know if you'd get any help with costs.

 

Perhaps you could ask social services to write to you let you know why they don't think this child is at risk, if they are refusing to help. They will not want to put their refusal to help in writing if they can help it. Make sure they are aware you are documenting everything in case they need the information (but basically so they know there will be plenty for them to explain later if something goes wrong).

 

Who else comes into contact with the child? Can you enlist their help in documenting and reporting on what's happening?

 

I think you're in a really difficult position. It must be awful being so worried about this child and not being able to help.

[CopingGal]

Here are a few things.

 

1)

Contact these people to get advice. IF you can, also give her the numbers.:

 

Safe Horizon’s Domestic Violence Hotline:

 

800.621.HOPE (4673)

 

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

 

1-800-273-TALK

 

 

Crisis Chat USA:

 

Contact USA * Someone to listen, someone to care.

 

 

2)

I'm wondering if talking to a lawyer would help. Maybe you can take action that CPS won't.

 

Do you have money for a lawyer?

 

This link goes to the National Legal Aid Directory. You can find legal aid offices in your state.

 

National Legal Aid Offices

 

3)

Also consider speaking to a Social Worker

 

Good luck. Let us know what is going on.

[Ducky23]

You've been on my mind a lot lately, I can't help but think of your cousins situation. Because you are a cousin, it will be very hard, if not impossible, to get custody of her. Laws are different in every state and I don't know where you are, but there are a couple of things that might help. I don't know your monetary situation, but hiring a PI is always an option if you can afford it. Schools pretty much suck at offering help to anyone who isn't "approved" by the parents, but you may be able to get an interview with the principal where she goes to school and explain the situation. If abuse is suspected most schools are very proactive. I know it's summertime, but it IS an option since these things take time. Try to see her, even if it's for 2 minutes because you're a stalker who follows her to the bathroom, sees her walking, whatever, and let her know what you're trying to do. Try to get her to understand that if the abuse is never reported by her, it may never be taken seriously. If she sees a school counselor she can say that she's afraid of going home and they will send a police escort to evaluate the home. If she's beaten after that she needs to call 9-1-1. Yes, it sucks and it's setting her up, but I never made that call and it almost killed me. Another option is to find a domestic abuse center in your town, and enlist their help. They are usually a well of all sorts of resources and will do anything to help anyone in need. You need as many people in your corner as possible. Get witnesses to write declarations for court, get an attorney if you can afford it, and petition for custody. In the petitioning process you can request a Guardian Ad Litem. Be aware that it is on par with opening a CPS case as this person is required by law to evaluate you, your home, your work, your past, ect., as well as where she is now, her moms past, her moms past, she will be observed in her home, around her mother, in school, everything. So make sure you are squeaky clean and absolutely certain that you are the best bet for her well being. The courts always take the advice of the Guardian Ad Litem seriously. That person speaks for the well being of the child and if they notice anything (the mom talks down, she acts afraid, ect.) it will be put before the judge and goes above and beyond whatever the mother may say. The child is old enough that she can write her own declaration and have it viewed in court. Try to get witness declarations BEFORE you sit down with a lawyer. That way you can say "I know this may fail, but I'm determined to help this child. These are witness statements. I'm not the only one claiming she's being abused. Please help me." Good luck and keep us updated.