Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 As I mentioned we both choose to end the Affair last Friday. Over the weekend I was sad. Monday I was a bit sad as well plus I had to communicate very shortly with MM over the company system regarding work. Today I feel more relieved. But at work, again, I had to meet with MM alone regarding work/data for over 2 hours. Most the time we were all focusing on talking out work issue, solution...etc. And interestingly I was feeling so relieved and relaxed that we were being able to go back our pre-A status, talking...talking...about work only. During the interim, MM also mentioned since we both logically thought about we would not be able to be together in future, the choice of ending A is the best. He was sad last friday as well, felt like letting me down. I told him that I felt relieved too and so glad we were able to get back the normal condition before our A and he would be just my "dad" - one of the reason the MM thought we have too much age difference. Just wondering if it is normal for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) and he would be just my "dad" Just wondering if it is normal for both of us. This, no this is definitely not normal. Edited July 11, 2012 by SBC Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Why is not normal. During today's 1 to 1 work meeting with me, we almost had no romantic emotion/feeling intervened, only briefly talked about our both sadness last Friday after we agree to break the Affair off. Again, we were logically aware that if we could not be together in future (that he's not able to leave marriage so soon), continuing the Affair that put me in such low place is really not good. Thus I feel so relieved, and he said he's as well. Are we so good to retrieve our feeling back so quickly, without lemanting over for a while. Guess he is just not loving me deeply :p even though during the affair he claimed he does. This, no this is definitely not normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) No, I disagree, it is not a game - and btw, who is playing the game? No one. Plus the A was short anyway, only less than 50 days. This is our mutual decision that we choose to end the A, and going back previous professional relationship. The two of you will be back on the sac again. This game simply adds more romance and tension to your relationship. The two of you are enjoying this. Then, when it happens you can tell each other 'at least we tried". Edited July 11, 2012 by Mount Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Honestly during the 48 days Affair, because of the guilty, or afraid of not being discreet, I tried not to see him as MUCH as I can at workplace because of the tension. And now I am feel so relieved, talking to him so naturally at workplace both in front of people or just two of us. If the two of you keep working together it will happen again. Trust me on this one. Enjoy the tension and anticipation. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Why is not normal. During today's 1 to 1 work meeting with me, we almost had no romantic emotion/feeling intervened, only briefly talked about our both sadness last Friday after we agree to break the Affair off. Again, we were logically aware that if we could not be together in future (that he's not able to leave marriage so soon), continuing the Affair that put me in such low place is really not good. Thus I feel so relieved, and he said he's as well. Are we so good to retrieve our feeling back so quickly, without lemanting over for a while. Guess he is just not loving me deeply :p even though during the affair he claimed he does. Why is not normal? Because he is NOT your 'dad' He is (was) a sexual partner. That is blurring a weird line, don't you see? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 I am using "dad" just a joking way(as he is much elder), as he intends to have us go back to professional relationship and friends... Even though I know we shouldn't, we better have as less contact as possible, due to work situation, contact is unavoidable. Plus it is not a game, he agreed to end the A as well after I said to him I had to let him go if he is not leaving marriage since I am not willing to have his such little time and felt like low-life people. Why is not normal? Because he is NOT your 'dad' He is (was) a sexual partner. That is blurring a weird line, don't you see? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 :laugh: Actually he did get Viagra after we just started A but he said he did not need to as our $#$%& was very passionate and great. Anyway it was history now. Honestly if he did try to pull me back again I would not respect him, since now he retrieved himself and gets our relationship back to previous status I still have a respect to him. OK, if he is old enough for you to call him dad he may be too old for you. Affairs sometimes bring together odd couples. I am glad your MM had the guts to end the affair. He probably felt strange dating a child. Obviously, you knew this was going nowhere. So perhaps you are correct and this may actually work. But, who knows maybe he simply does not have a budget for Viagra.:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Seriously, if he is not married, why he can't date me, it would be legitimate. (he is not very old old, only 18 y/o diff). But again, it is all hypothetical. Seriously; whether he is married or not he had no business dating you. I am glad you saw the light. For him this was a conquest and I assume most of the thrill was the chase. Once he got what he wanted he realized what he had done and backed away. Good for him. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) He's "only" 18 years your senior and you don't think that's old??? What's old then, 30 years? If you're technically an adult before I was even born...you're significantly older to me. I liked older men but 8-10 was my uppermost consideration. Nowadays though, 5-6 is about a reasonable range, as I want someone to grow with who has't long surpassed stages I've gone through and who has a whole other field of reference than I do because they were already an adult when I was a baby. I'm sure such arrangements work for some people though. But that's besides the point...it is weird to call him "dad". It's a bit creepy to me. Joke or no joke...the last thing I'm trying to call an older man I've slept with is Dad..it's a bit weird...ok a lot weird. Anywhoo I suggest you not have him as your "dad", uncle, or anything except your coworker. Edited July 11, 2012 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
Jellybean21 Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 It seems like a very "grown up" prospective but yes I get the Dad part, maybe mentor would be more befitting? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) Yes actually he was the mentor figure for me at work indeed before all the messy situation happened, guess now it is back to mentor and professional relationship. Can I say our "love" or "relationship" is profound? We are a very unique xMM/xOW? It seems like a very "grown up" prospective but yes I get the Dad part, maybe mentor would be more befitting? Edited July 11, 2012 by Mount Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Yes actually he was the mentor figure for me at work indeed before all the messy situation happened, guess now it is back to mentor and professional relationship. Can I say our "love" or "relationship" is profound? We are a very unique xMM/xOW? It's impossible for things to go back to how it once was. Right now you can't see that, but in time you will..And so will he. When two people cross that line, that boundry, especially when it's an A, everything changes. as our $#$%& was very passionate and great If it was that passionate and great, even though the A is over (less than a week?) there's NO WAY this will work. Sooner or later 'the conversation' will come up. A flirt, a look.. A feeling will be felt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Not a week, 50 days. But again, the MM is exetremely logical person, so am I , that is why I said it is probably a very unique pair:o that we are able to push our relationship back to pre-A. It's impossible for things to go back to how it once was. Right now you can't see that, but in time you will..And so will he. When two people cross that line, that boundry, especially when it's an A, everything changes. If it was that passionate and great, even though the A is over (less than a week?) there's NO WAY this will work. Sooner or later 'the conversation' will come up. A flirt, a look.. A feeling will be felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 You could be right, the profound love is just a "delusion". But again, the capability that we can pull back our feeling and be able to back normal is real, correct? Indeed I am feeling SO relaxed and relieved so far. Most folks in an EMR think they are unique. Most think they have discovered true love and that they belong to an exclusive club with only two members. In reality, it has been done a zillion times before:laugh:. It feels different because the chase of an EMR is more exciting than romance in the open:love:. This causes a higher OCD change in your brain chemistry. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 You can wait it out and see if your feelings change about how much you're able to go back to a pre-A relationship. It hasn't been tested yet. It may be possible. But thus far enough time hasn't passed with this new arrangement to know if it was jumping the gun and thinking you could do something you can't or if it's legitimate. So report back in a few weeks/month about if the arrangement still works and feels comfortable/normal and is professional and has no tension or weird undertones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Why do I seem to be jumping his pants or jump his bones? I proposed to end the A and he was nice enough to agree. And both of us restrained ourselves so far. We are not scientists...guess the love/delusion was just not deep enough. Just wait till you ovulate. That day you will want to jump his pants. The two of you must be scientists. I could not do what you are doing. I would have to have her out of sight. I am betting a case of Coca Cola that you will jump his bones. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Please be honest.. How often do you think of him? When you do think of him, do you ever reminse about how he was in bed? How he made you feel? Have you two actually spoken just as 'business collegues' and not discussed the A, feelings? If you were to meet someone else, would you feel weird telling him? Are you actually open (heart and mind) to letting another man close to you? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 And both of us restrained ourselves so far. See, without even noticing, the choice of your words..Restrained/restraining means you're tempted but are holding back, which means whatever you feel for him sexually or whatever IS still there. If you had said, the thought never occured to me to jump him, means it's not on your mind at all. It doesn't matter what you tell us, what matters is are you being true and honest to yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 But just like the another thread pointing out - love is the action of result. The love or maybe not love - it could be delusion between us does not have any action right now, even it did previously for short time (50 days), but not anymore. Please be honest.. How often do you think of him? When you do think of him, do you ever reminse about how he was in bed? How he made you feel? Have you two actually spoken just as 'business collegues' and not discussed the A, feelings? If you were to meet someone else, would you feel weird telling him? Are you actually open (heart and mind) to letting another man close to you? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 See, without even noticing, the choice of your words..Restrained/restraining means you're tempted but are holding back, which means whatever you feel for him sexually or whatever IS still there. If you had said, the thought never occured to me to jump him, means it's not on your mind at all. It doesn't matter what you tell us, what matters is are you being true and honest to yourself. I remember how I knew I was over my ex, after a bout of NC when we got back in contact, was because I realized I didn't have to restrain myself. Initially when we'd hang out, because I told myself it was long enough and I was strong enough now, I'd always think he was so attractive and would be talking myself through it like "Okay, don't kiss him if he tries to kiss you" "Don't allow him to come inside". "Don't look at him in the eyes too long; lol blah blah On the outside I was acting normal but the energy between us was not platonic and I was restraining myself. The final time when we hung out, I felt no such desire. He didn't seem as attractive, interesting or anything. I truly felt normal towards him and had no desire for him.. In fact, when I got home and he walked me to the door, he leaned in to kiss me, and I hugged him and haven't seen him since. That was 2 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 But just like the another thread pointing out - love is the action of result. The love or maybe not love - it could be delusion between us does not have any action right now, even it did previously for short time (50 days), but not anymore. I think the basis of that thread and this are different. Two people who have sexual attraction and desire, who hang out or attempt to have a "mentoring" relationship are likely to act upon this desire, particularly if when they do hang out, they consciously restrain themselves. Especially too if they used to have a sexual relationship before. The heart is willing but the flesh is weak as they say. This isn't the same as the thread about whether or not you love your AP but you didn't choose to be with them. In that case, the APs often no longer see each other anymore and the OP in that particular thread is lamenting that although his MW moved to another country and he is still married, he really does love her. The love doesn't count as he is still married, she moved away and no one is going to make an effort to change things. That's not the same as you still work together but have decided to stop the A, restrain your desire and maintain a mentoring relationship. This is shaky ground. But as I said Mount, if you think you can do it, it's still early, so no one knows whether or not you really can or can't. So report back about how it's been going when sufficient time passes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 But just like the another thread pointing out - love is the action of result. The love or maybe not love - it could be delusion between us does not have any action right now, even it did previously for short time (50 days), but not anymore. Love and lust/sexual attraction are two different things. So, does this mean you do not think of him at all, other than when you see or talk to him at work? No thoughts drifting about him at night before bed or when you wake up? If no, then that's a good thing, you're not emotionally attached to him anymore (again, that's different than love, action or not).. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mount Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 No, I do think of him and not sure/not care if he does or not. And still I feel relieved as I don't feel like hanging on him anymore. My whole point here is that, we are able to act/present well, back to pre-A situation. Thus even though we or at least I, do have the residual of emotional attachment, without continuing the A, I believe the emotional attachment will get lesser and lesser. Is that so. Love and lust/sexual attraction are two different things. So, does this mean you do not think of him at all, other than when you see or talk to him at work? No thoughts drifting about him at night before bed or when you wake up? If no, then that's a good thing, you're not emotionally attached to him anymore (again, that's different than love, action or not).. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 No, I do think of him and not sure/not care if he does or not. And still I feel relieved as I don't feel like hanging on him anymore. My whole point here is that, we are able to act/present well, back to pre-A situation. Thus even though we or at least I, do have the residual of emotional attachment, without continuing the A, I believe the emotional attachment will get lesser and lesser. Is that so. Emotional attachment gets less with time and space and effort to move on and keep things above board. Link to post Share on other sites
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