The most logical mindset of MM and OW (me)?

[Mount]

The thing is that right now the MM still wants to talk to me (mostly because of business) and hang out with me at work. Yes as I said I have emotional attachment to him, not sure if he does or not even though he said he does but I guess it does not matter.

 

So I am hanging there, hoping we will do what we had agreed.

 

 

 

Emotional attachment gets less with time and space and effort to move on and keep things above board.

[Owl]

I'll be interested to see where this thread is in six months.

[Mount]

Were you saying we will be back to SQ1, I hope not.

 

I'll be interested to see where this thread is in six months.

[Owl]

Do I KNOW that you'll be back to square 1? Of course not...I'm not clairavoyant.

 

BUT...do I believe that the odds are high that it could happen? Yep.

 

I don't think you're taking several things into account.

 

First...even for a "normal" relationship, it's almost impossible to "undo" an intimate relationship back into a "just friends" relationship. Too much emotional material has been exchanged...most people just can't successfully go back to 'just friends'.

 

Second...affair relationships are typically much more...intense...more 'addictive'. That just makes it that much less likely that you'll successfully continue to work together without resuming the affair. Even if you don't PHYSICALLY resume...odds are high that you'll continue to invest more than 'just friends' emotionally into the relationship. And...eventually...that'll likely lead into it resuming into a full blown physical affair as well.

 

This is the primary reason that NC (no contact) is the touted, insisted upon solution to end most affairs. It's why BS's (betrayed spouses) INSIST on it as the only solution...it's why they never are willing to accept continued contact as "just friends"...because it's almost instinctive to know that once that line is crossed, it's pretty much impossible to 'go back'.

 

Is it POSSIBLE that you two can do so? Sure, it's possible. It's also possible that I'll buy a winning lottery ticket and retire. Do I PLAN on that as the solution to my financial well-being? Nope...nor do I think that you should rely on the "just friends" methodology for your emotional well-being.

 

But...like many others...like all others...you insist that your situation is "unique", that you and MM are "special", and will be able to succeed where everyone else fails.

 

You won't listen...until it does fail...then you'll be looking for support again...and hear the same thing you're hearing now, only you'll (hopefully) be more willing to listen then...after that additional heart ache.

 

Post again in six months, and SHOW us that you're the exception, rather than the rule.

[Mount]

Your pounding words are certainly insightful. Of course I knew the so-called back to pre-A or honestly saying the still maintaining relationship that involving the emotion is the on-the-edge thing, still dangerous (for me). Yes the affair (especially PA) is addictive and passionate and I have tasted it. However, I am banking on the fact the affair was only lasted 48 days so I do have the temptation that falling back the feeling "be loved"...etc, but not so much falling back the desire to be physcial contact again.

 

Do I KNOW that you'll be back to square 1? Of course not...I'm not clairavoyant.

 

BUT...do I believe that the odds are high that it could happen? Yep.

 

I don't think you're taking several things into account.

 

First...even for a "normal" relationship, it's almost impossible to "undo" an intimate relationship back into a "just friends" relationship. Too much emotional material has been exchanged...most people just can't successfully go back to 'just friends'.

 

Second...affair relationships are typically much more...intense...more 'addictive'. That just makes it that much less likely that you'll successfully continue to work together without resuming the affair. Even if you don't PHYSICALLY resume...odds are high that you'll continue to invest more than 'just friends' emotionally into the relationship. And...eventually...that'll likely lead into it resuming into a full blown physical affair as well.

 

This is the primary reason that NC (no contact) is the touted, insisted upon solution to end most affairs. It's why BS's (betrayed spouses) INSIST on it as the only solution...it's why they never are willing to accept continued contact as "just friends"...because it's almost instinctive to know that once that line is crossed, it's pretty much impossible to 'go back'.

 

Is it POSSIBLE that you two can do so? Sure, it's possible. It's also possible that I'll buy a winning lottery ticket and retire. Do I PLAN on that as the solution to my financial well-being? Nope...nor do I think that you should rely on the "just friends" methodology for your emotional well-being.

 

But...like many others...like all others...you insist that your situation is "unique", that you and MM are "special", and will be able to succeed where everyone else fails.

 

You won't listen...until it does fail...then you'll be looking for support again...and hear the same thing you're hearing now, only you'll (hopefully) be more willing to listen then...after that additional heart ache.

 

Post again in six months, and SHOW us that you're the exception, rather than the rule.

[mercy]

so I do have the temptation that falling back the feeling "be loved"

 

Sorry for taking this out of context but it just sounded so lonely. I wish you well.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by Mount

so I do have the temptation that falling back the feeling "be loved"

 

You mean by him. Not someone else...

 

See, this is why hanging onto a friendship with your exMM is unhealthy for you. You can't see this but having him in your life, albeit not in an affair setting anymore, will prevent you from opening your heart and wanting someone else, another man. I think deep down you know this but are hell bent into believing that you and exMM are capable of a total platonic friendship that won't intefer in your life or in his.

 

The friendship is still a selfish one. His wife only gave permission to make him happy. You aren't IN their lives, involved in their daily life, a part of their social circle, aren't invited to family/friend gatherings and birthday parties, no Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve parties either.. You two are on your own in this 'friendship' and it STILL excludes his wife. She must really have a huge forgiving and loving heart to trust him and allow him to continue on with you. Not too many women would put up with that or allow that.

 

I mean, imagine you married, and your H cheated, you two fixed things, ended your A, yet your H was adament about keeping his OW around in the background, keeping a friendship. Would you truly allow that? Be OK with it?

 

MOST women would still be bugged about this and always in the pit of their stomach, back of their heads wonder why the 'friendship' had to happen.

[Mount]

As LadyGrey kept asking me why I put myself into A, feeling "lonely" could be one of the reasons.

 

Sorry for taking this out of context but it just sounded so lonely. I wish you well.

[mercy]

As LadyGrey kept asking me why I put myself into A, feeling "lonely" could be one of the reasons.

 

Only you can answer that but it seems to me that an affair would only perpetuate the feelings of loneliness. Funny in an ironic sense what we do to ourselves or put ourselves through thinking that oh yes this will fix everything, though in reality it only magnifies the empty feelings.

 

And honestly lass, remaining his friend is only going to hurt you in the long run. But your heart already knows these things. There's a sorrow in you and it saddens me. Keep reading and listening, the right words will come when you are ready to hear them and you'll slowly begin to heal. You really do deserve so much better.

[Mount]

Hi Mercy, you are so right, how can I NOT know that keeping contact (work relation plus a bit friendship) with him will not make me feel good, but reality is reality, I can not change workplace and i can not ruin the work relationship with him because of his role.

 

Don't you not see me using STOP SIGN to end the A (at least PA) was a desperate way to make me not being further hurt - poor me. You were saying right word will come when I am ready to hear, why don't you let me get them now. Again, remember I can not change workplace and work contact is unavoidable.

 

Also, just like the other member said, people is where they want to be. I WANT myself not being hurt, I also WANT him "loving" me (which might lead to allow him keeping A with me), but I can only have one WANT, so I guess I have to choose the first one even though letting go is so painful.

 

Only you can answer that but it seems to me that an affair would only perpetuate the feelings of loneliness. Funny in an ironic sense what we do to ourselves or put ourselves through thinking that oh yes this will fix everything, though in reality it only magnifies the empty feelings.

 

And honestly lass, remaining his friend is only going to hurt you in the long run. But your heart already knows these things. There's a sorrow in you and it saddens me. Keep reading and listening, the right words will come when you are ready to hear them and you'll slowly begin to heal. You really do deserve so much better.

Edited July 13, 2012 by Mount

[Mount]

It has been first whole week that the MM and myself stopped the intimate affair, but as I mentioned our work contact was unavoidable. During A he usually came to my place on Friday then we cuddled and $%#, so not to my surprise today he was asking me to see me again at my place after work and I firmly rejected. He appologized and thanked me to talk him out of the emotional request.

 

One day a time, for the sake of myself.

[whichwayisup]

This is far from over. You think you two can and will be 'besties' or whatever, but you two are NOT on the same page.

 

YOur emotions are all over the place and he wants sex again. You can refuse him daily..Either that will get old and you'll get pissed off / fed up, realize that NO real or true friendship can happen and you'll end it - Only speak to him about WORK related issues and stay out of his way most of the time.. Or you'll cave and end up back in the affair again. Right now it IS an emotional affair. Nobody gets over stuff this quickly and I think you really wanted to believe that things could go back to how it once was, but with him wanting you, you refusing has just shown you it's not going to go as smoothly as you thought.

[whichwayisup]

so not to my surprise today he was asking me to see me again at my place after work and I firmly rejected. He appologized and thanked me to talk him out of the emotional request.

 

Do you see now that you two are not 'unique' and 'special' to master this so called 'platonic friendship' after an A ends? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE to be friends, especially so quickly after an A.

[Mount]

So what am I supposed to do:(? At least what I can do at my part is rejecting any requests tending to be back to A from the MM.

 

And the MM is the go to person at work and I can not leave my top notch employer right now.

 

Do you see now that you two are not 'unique' and 'special' to master this so called 'platonic friendship' after an A ends? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE to be friends, especially so quickly after an A.

[whichwayisup]

So what am I supposed to do:(? At least what I can do at my part is rejecting any requests tending to be back to A from the MM.

 

And the MM is the go to person at work and I can not leave my top notch employer right now.

 

I'm not telling you to leave the job, or never speak to him again. I'm just saying you don't have to pursue a friendship with him and be buddies with him. You deal with him only when you need to, ON a professional level. No need for side chatting, or talking about your lives, being attached to one another.

 

Yes, keep rejecting him..But know that HIS intentions of 'friendship' is not the same intentions as yours. This why I, and so many others, called you out on the 'we can be "just" friends' situation. It's impossible for feelings of attraction, affection and lust to disappear so quickly. I know you wanted (want) to believe that it was going to be JUST platonic, but now you know it isn't and never can be.

[Mount]

It is so painful to cut him off, although knowing I am doing the right thing long term for myself, now my heart is so wrenched.

 

During the weekend I cleaned up my work calendar, and intentionally cancelled one work meeting/lunch with the MM that scheduled long time ago, as I try to avoid him as much as I can. And the MM communicated to me wondering, I re-assured him that we shall only carry on pure work relationship. Guess I was acting very heartless and the MM called me crazy.:( Again I ignored and still keep NC (non-work related) so far.

 

But I feel so painful, and I miss him so much :(:(. The pain I am going through right now is the pay-back for my step-in A I suppose.

Edited July 16, 2012 by Mount