boyfriend on rugby tour!! is that ok? help?

[lilian]

Hi there

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and live together. He loves me a lot and he is very committed to me. Never lets me down, eg. calls me all the time when he's away, tells me he loves me, introduced me to all his friends and family after a few weeks of us together etc. I really trust him

 

My question:

 

5 of his best friends are planning to seeing the rugby worldcup. It will involve travelling over to New Zealand and my boyfriend will be away for two weeks!

 

Should I insist that he spends his holidays with me? Or should I just be happy for him and hope that he has a lot of fun? I mean, most of the other guys are singe and therefore "free" to spend their holidays as they like.

 

I haven't said anything yet but feel that I am quite "generous" to let him go away without me for two weeks.

 

Thank you for any input!!

[StartingAgain]

Just because he is your boyfriend and lives with you doesn't mean that you own him and that he has abdicated his right to have a life outside of your relationship. There's nothing wrong with his going to the World Cup with his buddies. A chance to go to New Zealand! Would you have him deny you such an opportunity? You don't insist on anything. You get him everyday, so it isn't as if you are being cast aside. You'd better change your thinking about "being generous" and "allowing him." You don't even get to do this when you are married.

[Pyrannaste]

Should I insist that he spends his holidays with me? Or should I just be happy for him and hope that he has a lot of fun? I mean, most of the other guys are singe and therefore "free" to spend their holidays as they like.

 

Are you worried he'll cheat on you? Or he'll end up going to strip clubs or other places single guys often visit when on holiday?

 

If you trust him let him go. Or he'll end up being resentful.

Possibly meanwhile go somewhere else with your girl friends and have a lot of fun!!!!

 

I suppose he didn't invite you because it is a guys-only trip.

 

I might get bashed for saying this but I agree that yes, it would be generous to let him go.

If he does not get many days off work, he is going to spend his whole holidays abroad with his friends and going nowhere with you.

This means forcing you to spend your holidays without him (if you get holidays in the same period).

If this is the situation, I'd be pissed off too if my bf chose his friends over me.

 

And I never liked the idea of people in a relationship spending their holidays apart from each other. Holidays spent together are usually high-quality relationship time. Choosing to spend holidays with friends *insted* of with SO to me means taking quality time away from the relationship. If it is possible to go on holidays first with friends, then with SO, it would be of course different.

 

If you decide to let him go on this trip, try not to nag him about it.

If you insist until he gives up the trip, expect him to be resentful.

 

Sounds like a no-win situation, huh?

Well, don't spend the whole two weeks being home alone upset at him and worrying about what he is up to in New Zealand.

Spend that time going out as much as possible, having as much fun as possible, and if you get days off work in the same period go somewhere on a girls-only trip!

[HoldOn]

Yeah, it kind of sucks that he'll be spending his vacation without you, but you should just relax and realize that he loves you. If you let him go on this trip and insist on him having a good time, he'll love you even more! and he'll miss you a lot.

 

I think you should plan your own trip with friends or family, just to get out of the house. Also, do not be available every time he calls from out of town. Do not wait by the phone. He'll wonder what you're doing without him...

[StartingAgain]

First let me say that I would never choose to take my two week holidays with the guys for the sake of some stupid sports event. I'd choose my lady. BUT everyone here is talking about "letting him go." It isn't for her to LET him do anything. He's a grown man of free will. The real question for Lilian isn't whether or not she lets him do this, but rather if she is in the right relationship. If she think that his choosing to spend his entire holidays with his buds instead or her is wrong (and she would have a point), then she needs decide if she can live with it. If she can, then she tells him to have a great time (and make alternative plans for herself), and never again mention the matter. She doesn't get to allow herself to resent it or to ever nag him about it, since she would have made her choice and it would be wrong to make him pay for it.

[Pyrannaste]

StartingAgain,

I apologize for using the words 'letting him go' in a rather loose way.

 

With 'letting him go" I meant:

- not threatening him to dump him or actually dumping him if he goes

- not treating him as a huge ***hole for the rest of his life if he goes

- not trying to send him on a guilt trip and making his life hell if he goes.

- not threatening retaliations of any kind if he goes.

(all of the above)

 

It is just a loose use of language.

Nobody is (hopefully) implying your SO is to be treated like a small baby or a dog

[lilian]

Thanks a lot for all your replies. I can't say that I am feeling any better now as I know DO feel as if my boyfriend chose spending time with his buddies over me which of course makes me feel bad.

 

I must say, though, it isn't a STUPID sporting event as he used to play rugby himself and always went to see the world cup with his friends.

 

He doesn't only have two weeks of holidays but yes you guys are right, it does reduce quality time of my relationship!

 

I really cannot win here. If I let him go to this and being completely "cool" about it, everybody will think that he doesn't love me as he choses sports over me.

 

If I'm a bitch about it, he'll hate me.

 

He's usually extremely considerate but never even asked me whether the rugby tour was ok but just planned it; which I think is strange!

 

He also wanted to go and see his sister in the states for our holiday this autumn but I insisted we go on holiday just the two of us (keeping in mind the rugby tour next year) and he was ok with it.

 

should I talk to him? And what would you guys say?

[Debster]

Understand that if he doesn't go his friends will know it is because of you and your boyfriend will resent you.

 

I am probably one of the rare women where chances are my fiance and I will have some separate vacations. I have friends that live around the world, love Vegas, love relaxing on the beach. He finds Vegas boring, likes rugged camping, fishing, sailing, etc. I don't want him to miss out on doing things he loves because I don't like those activities. And the same goes for things I love to do. I don't want to not see my friends because he'd rather do something else with his vacation time. There will be times where we compromise (resorts where he can sail/hike/fish and I can sit by the pool and there are also times where our vacation styles are similar - exploring new cities. But just because we are getting married, I don't want that to mean that he will never get to spend a week camping in Algonquin, for example (and I would HATE a week camping in Algonquin).

 

I know that we will be faithful to each other and miss each other and i also know that before he goes and when he gets back that our time together will be priority #1. I know our doing this is weird for a lot of people. my parents think it is crazy but for us, it works.

[HoldOn]

I really cannot win here. If I let him go to this and being completely "cool" about it, everybody will think that he doesn't love me as he choses sports over me.

 

Who cares what other people think? Maybe they will think that your relationship must be really secure since you don't mind him going on this trip.

 

I think everyone deserves some freedom. It's important to him. If I wanted to go on a two-week trip with the girls for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, it would suck if my bf decided not to "let" me go!