Need good advice from knowledgeable women....PLEASE!!

[VeryConcernedGuy]

[font=arial][/font][color=black][/color]

This is the story.........

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we were inseparable at the beginning, however over time I realised that she never wanted me to leave her, even when I had work / study on the next day and had to be up fresh, I left anyway as I didn't want to be tired for the next day, but didn't want to feel guilty of leaving this girl who i loved very very much, i just wished she understood me. This caused minor arguments, but i realised as i got to know her and the more i tried to please her (i did everything to try and make her happy) and perhaps i really spoilt her, giving her most things she wanted.

 

Anyway, this was finally accepted and then she would call me at night which is fine, but she wanted to stay on for hours and hours till late at night, she would call me after my job which i have filling shelves at night and finish at 11, and am tired and ready to sleep. I said to her it's O.K. to call and chat to me for 10 minutes and I would call her the next day, but NO, she most of the time got down in the lip and started something to make me feel bad when I said to her I wanted to sleep.

 

I have tried everything to get her to keep her calls to a minimum, but it feels like she doesn't hear me, and I have been quite blunt telling her this. I have had to tell her I have tutors and business meetings for study at home at night now (A LIE, Which I ABOSUTELY HATE LYING) to stop her from being on for hours and hours.

 

Well my girlfriend got a job in January of 2004 and became friendly with one of the students, calling him and befriending him, i asked her what his intentions were and she insisted they were just friends.....I told her i trusted her implicitly. She ended up coming to me about 2 months later (as we were in the middle of regular arguments) and said she had kissed him and thougt we were over (A LIKELY EXCUSE, which i replied), coz I thought we were trying to work things out, and nothing had ever been said about breaking up, coz we are committed to each other.

 

She was very distressed about this but told me the truth (came to me CRYING ETC.), SO LIKE A FOOL I have decided to keep her. Not long after this ordeal, she has found another friend (Male) and insists he is just a friend. She even has me dropping her off to his place, but she won't invite me in to meet him. I ask her when am i going to meet your friend and she says one day...............Does this sound SUS to you???

 

She has just asked me to help her pay a $300 phone bill to his number, as she calls that number and a lot of other guy friends each night, because she is apparently bored, because she cannot talk to me for any length time.

 

She knows I am working for HER.......For US and our future, but she is now not kissing me as much and when we do kiss she turns her head saying she wants to look good for me, so it doesn't muck up her lipstick / lip-gloss.

 

We don't talk much in the car, all she does is turn the music up when we go for drives, but she doesn't think twice to ask me for McDonald's, or to drop her off to her friends place, while I HAVE TO WAIT IN THE CAR and drop her off about 5 houses from where he lives.

 

She says to me I am being over JEALOUS, about the situation when I bring it up. Which isn't going to stop me from bringing it up!! I'm not scared of her, I just want her to be fair dinkum about us.

 

I REALLY LOVE HER, and am working hard in 2 jobs and doing 2 Tafe Courses for our future...........HOW CAN I TEST SHE IS NOT CHEATING AGAIN, without it being obvious and raising her awareness???

 

If she cheated once before, will she do it again and is there any tell tale signs that I can look for??

 

PLEASE HELP.

[Olivia_19742004]

In my opinion kissing isn't that big of a deal, but I know many people feel this is a form of cheating. However, her secrecy in not wanting you to meet the male friend would be a problem if I were you. People only hide things for a reason and if there wasn't any reason to hide his identity then you would have met him by now. I'm not sure of any way you can "test" her. You either decide to trust her and see if it happens again or you end the relationship.

[dudesomewhere]

damn dude

 

"If she cheated once before, will she do it again and is there any tell tale signs that I can look for??"

 

I'd say all those things you've mentioned are signs. Bit if you want more just keep watching, maybe hire a PI, lol. Though I wouldn't waste the money, I'd just end it.

 

You've put yourself in a bad spot though, to me this is cheating because there's high probability of that fact. If she's calling some guy and racking up some $300 bill...she and the guy should be paying for it, not you. So with the way she's behaving around you, it seems all you are now is a money pot, free ride...etc whatever else can be said negatively.

 

here's something that might sound mean, but is so to give you a wake up call. She probably doesn't want to kiss you on the lips because she's saving that for the guy she really considers her bf or the guy she's screwing. And she most likely wants to look good for him, not you. Have to look good for him when you drop her off at his house, lol.

 

really man, ouch

[HokeyReligions]

Honey, if you pay that phone bill you are a fool.

 

People can love each other and still be manipulative users. She doesn't care about you, she cares about what you can do for her.

 

No honest person would treat you like this. Dropping her off a few blocks from her friends so they don't see you! Come ON! That is so Jr. High Selfish.

 

You need to exit this one-sided relationship and find people who will treat you right.

[netman]

Dude, you sound like me many, many years ago. Loving blindly, trusting blindly, meanwhile the girl is stomping all over you, clearly disrespecting you and not caring enough to be honest with you.

 

My ex was like your girl in some ways, always wanting to talk on the phone. She'd call me in the morning, at work, after she got out of school, at night, and like your girl she'd want to talk for hours even though I had a long day of work and I'd rather lay down and rest. I let that go on for a while because I thought to myself that if I loved her and if that's the way she is, then I should accomodate that. Also I had jealousy problems, so I thought that if I didn't talk with her on the phone when she wanted to then she would find someone who will behind my back. Again, that was my insecurities and jealousy talking. I put up with the phone thing, but I would never in my right mind drop her off to a guy's house and let her tell me that I can't meet him. Now that's not my jealousy talking, that's my common sense talking.

 

Fine, it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex, but she won't let you meet the guy? And you're dropping her off to his house? Wow, sounds to me like you love her to the point that you're letting her get away with pretty much anything. And dude, she's going to string you along and have her cake and eat it too as long as you let her. Seems like she loves attention, and if you're don't give it to her then she's going to find someone else that will. Wait, she already did!!!

 

I'm sorry, but I don't blame her 100% for any of this. I blame you for putting up with it the first time, the second time, and so to the point that she's hid things from you and cheated on you. Talking on the phone with a guy that's not her man can surely lead to emotional infidelity, then eventually cheating. And she did cheat on you. Kissing is definitely cheating, no if ands or buts about it. And if she was sneaking around behind your back, who knows how far she really went, but then again you love her blindly so you'll only believe what you want to believe. Ignorance is bliss.........

 

 

It's easy for people to say to dump her (which might not be a bad thing), but I know you love her and that's not what you want to hear. You need to grow a back bone and put your foot down and stop letting her disrespect you. You're here so I know you're not happy with the way the relationship is going, and you never will be if it continues this way. Trust me, you love her sooo much right now but one day you're going to realize that you're the catch and she's not bringing anything into the relationship but headaches and you're going to start resenting her and eventually you're going to dump her. You sound like a great guy and seems like you're the only one working at this relationship, and you definitely deserve better. Remember, don't EVER be afraid of the thought of not being with your girl. Love is great, but don't let it blind you and don't lose yourself in the process.

[quankanne]

she's using you, plain and simple. now the ball is in your court -- do you want to continue putting up with her behavior (being available for whatever errands she wants, giving her money to pay her bills, waiting on her), or do you want to put your foot down? in my experience, a person doesn't do this to a friend or lover unless they've lost all respect for that relationship but realize they can still milk it for all it's worth, and that sucks, dude.

 

my vote is to dump her, but that's me. as I've pointed out before, the ball's in your court

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

You really can't be serious are you? Do you need to have a piano

to fall on your head? You drive her to some other guy's home to spend

time with him and she will not let you meet him? Are you out of your

mind? How do you think she would react if the roles were reversed?

She is making a complete fool out of you. It is clear she has no respect for

you but it is really sad that you seem to have so little respect for yourself.

 

She is using you to the max. What boyfriend would drop his girlfriend off to

another man's house and accept the fact that she will not let you meet him?

How much more humiliation and disrespect are you going to endure. She and this guy must be having a good laugh about this. Stop being such a chump. You are being used big time and the sad part is that you accept this. I see no reason why she should respect you at all. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Why are you willing to accept such humiliation and disrespect in your life?

[ziggy]

VCG,

sounds like you 2 have been through some pretty tough times, i can only imagine where your heads at, but it seems you are not getting very much enjoyment from this relationship, are you spending more time being unhappy and searching for clues for cheating than enjoying being in her company? if so you need to take a step back and figure out what you want for yourself.

 

 

Unless you can talk this through with each other and solve it, it will hang over you always and you will be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering, this is no way to feel when you are with someone.

Everything sounds very suss, and it sounds like you cannot get past this because you can never talk it through enough to feel happy that everything is O.K, and this is the only thing that will rest your mind.

 

 

Also because you work so hard, you don't have a lot of quality time together, do you think things would improve if you had more time together? give it a shout just take a few days away and you will know soon enough. hope this helps

Z

[VeryConcernedGuy]

I would really like to thank you all for your advice.

 

I am not afraid to discuss this with her, and am thinking it is just about the end of the relationship as it stands.

 

I don't think she's going to change, and we are getting more distant from each other everyday.

 

I will let her know of her actions and will turn the tables saying to her that I am going to see other female friends of my own and she can't meet them either. This will either break us up or bring her to her senses.

 

But we need to discuss this at length and come to some conclusion pretty soon as it has already gone past rediculous.

 

Of course I will not do anything with my female friends, but the way she is at the moment........Maybe I should.

 

I'll stay in touch with you all and let you know how it's going.

 

Cheers.

[netman]

Originally posted by VeryConcernedGuy I will let her know of her actions and will turn the tables saying to her that I am going to see other female friends of my own and she can't meet them either. This will either break us up or bring her to her senses.

I like this idea. I think you know what you have to do, but when you love someone it's pretty hard to let go. If you do turn the tables on her and she changes her act, then the relationship might have a chance. BUT, if it just pushes her away even further, then it confirms that the relationship was over a long time ago and she just got her window to pull out.

 

Good luck and please keep us updated.

 

PS.. DO NOT PAY THAT PHONE BILL FOR HER!!!! Tell her straight up, "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time".

[VeryConcernedGuy]

I have had words with her today

 

I called her today as I haven't been in touch with her and she was all lovey dovey with me.

 

It didn't wash with me, coz I AM STILL SO HURT from the first time she kissed someone else and then had the nerve to say, she thought we were over.

 

This is history repeating itself, it's tragic really, I thought she was such a nice girl.......Which leads us all to the lesson that never judge a sweet, beautiful anyone by thier cover.

 

I said to her that I will have my own friends who are females and I am going to see one tonight, he he, she said well that's O.K. and I'll just have to trust you on this.

 

I then said to her about her turning her head when I go to kiss her on the lips, that she is saving the kisses that I go to give her, for her "BOYFRIEND" OOOOoooppss I Mean Best Friend......She didn't like that, he he...........By the way shouldn't your lover and partner be your best friend as well as your lover and partner???

 

That's what I always thought.

 

I can't believe the hide of her, IT HURTS ME SOOOOO MUCH, my chest and stomach hurt. I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH and she says the same, BUT I KNOW WHAT she's doing behind my back.

 

I asked her why I couldn't meet her friend and she told me a line of CR*P that, he doesn't have a girlfriend yet and would feel uncomfortable seeing me and her together......Well my reply to that was, HE IS NEVER GOING TO FIND A GIRLFRIEND WHEN HE THINKS YOU ARE HIS GIRLFRIEND.

 

She told me he asked her for a HUG the other night before she left and I picked her up, like a F%*King TAXI service. I TOLD HER IF HE HUGS YOU AGAIN OR TOUCH'S YOU AGAIN I'LL BREAK HIS ARMS AND FINGERS.

 

But she just passed this off as Jealousy.

 

I REALLY HATE HER AT THE MOMENT, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I LOVE HER SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!

 

Why does the world play such WICKED torments on us humans.

 

NEVER EVER LOSE the passion for life.

 

LOVE, HURT, PASSION, DISSAPOINTMENT are all part of our journey to a higher Realm.

 

THIS LIFE IS ONLY BUT A GAME, and I CHOOSE NOT TO LOSE!!

 

Thank you all for your advice, I'll keep you all posted

LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH PASSION!!

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

You are still taking her to her male friend who she will not allow you to meet? She tells you that he had tried to hug her and you reply you will hurt him if he does it again? First, she will not tell you anything again about him trying again. Second, she is humiliating you and disrespecting you since a girlfriend does not hang out with another guy when she has you as a boyfriend. Third, I am sorry but you have to be some sort of masochist to drive your girlfriend to some guy's place at night to hang with him. It is clear that she does not respect you or your relationship. The sad part is that you also do not respect yourself to allow such humiliation and disrespect from you. Finally, she saw through your little game. She continues to have you think of yourself as her boyfriend while you drive her to this guy's house who she will not let you meet. I am sorry but you are a fool. You deserve better than this. Finally, the fact that she admits his attempts at physical contact with her and she still continues to see him tells you a great deal that apparently it does not bother her at all. She is making you look like a clown to accept this.

[netman]

asked her why I couldn't meet her friend and she told me a line of CR*P that, he doesn't have a girlfriend yet and would feel uncomfortable seeing me and her together......Well my reply to that was, HE IS NEVER GOING TO FIND A GIRLFRIEND WHEN HE THINKS YOU ARE HIS GIRLFRIEND.

When a girl is more concerned about the feelings of another man other than her boyfriend, then she has no respect for her boyfriend or his feelings. MAJOR, MAJOR red flag.

 

She told me he asked her for a HUG the other night before she left and I picked her up, like a F%*King TAXI service. I TOLD HER IF HE HUGS YOU AGAIN OR TOUCH'S YOU AGAIN I'LL BREAK HIS ARMS AND FINGERS.

Dude, you can't blame the guy on this one. She probably didn't even tell him that she had a boyfriend, and if she did tell him she proved to him how much she doesn't respect you by going to his house and being his emotional pillowand stuff.

 

THIS LIFE IS ONLY BUT A GAME, and I CHOOSE NOT TO LOSE!!

Sorry man, you're in the loss column right now when it comes to Relationship 101. She need to step up your game.

 

LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH PASSION!!

Tony Robbins is a great speaker, isn't he?

[beetledriver2]

I can first of all tell you that your gf has co-dependency issues. That is quite obvious. She is way to needy and obviously she needs attention from whomever will give it to her. She needs to see a therapist and get some self-esteem.

 

Second of all, if my fiance would ever kiss someone else, it would be over. Life's to short to be played around.

 

Finally, my fiance and I have mutual friends. We respect each other and what's she's doing to you is wrong. When I talk to men or meet men, I make sure to include my fiance. I would never be friends with any man who is not friends with my fiance. I love him so much that I want to share everything with him, including my friends. If I go to a man's house, I can guarantee you that my fiance not only knows him but is a close friend with him.

 

I don't know how old you are but I been down this road and it's not worth it. Like I said earlier, life is to short. If there is no trust or respect in a relationship, there is NO relationship. Take care of yourself!

[miz_barby]

Well said!!!! This girl is USING YOU for a ride, money, ect. Your relationship has ran it's course and now she's keeping you around as a meal ticket and a taxi! I would STOP taking her places, giving her money, and doing things for her. Talk to her on the phone, see her but STOP DOING ANYTHING for her and see how long she sticks around! I bet she'll find an excuse why you two need to break up! You don't have to buy someone's love or do things for them to be with you! Please do yourself a favor and just see for yourself by not doing these things anymore!

[VeryConcernedGuy]

Thank you all once again for advice, it really helps when you're not feeling the best about a relationship, to know that their are people out there in forums like this, who are willing to share thier feelings with you. And the feelings they share are so true and to the point, I haven't met any of you but you are all friends.

 

I am at the stage with her that I have told her that me and her aren't an item anymore, we never were. She turned on the tears but I just said to her that my heart can't take this anymore.

 

I don't care what you do, I don't care who you hang with, I don't care where you go.

 

She can stay in touch, but don't be hurt when she see's me with a decent girl who really cares for me and won't cheat behind my back.

 

I feel better for this as I am not being fair on her by trying to mould her into something she isn't (and that would be turning a liar into an honest person) once a liar always a liar, once a cheat always a cheat.

 

I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

Thank you all for confirming my suspicions and helping me see the light.

 

Take care, I will stay and reply to all your posts over time.

[Mr Spock]

Just read your situation-I am glad that you are sticking up for yourself. Will you maintain contact with her/

[miz_barby]

Yes PLEASE STAY STRONG because you sound like a really nice guy who deserves so much better! Good luck and don't settle for someone who'll bring you pain in the end. I'm glad to hear that you let her go, because exactly like you said you can't make a fibber become honest just because you ask them to...same as you can't turn a wh*re into a house wife! Anyway good luck in the future!

[VeryConcernedGuy]

In reply Mr Spock, I will stay distant friends with her, I really don't want to be around someone who is like this. They cheat everyone and are always looking for a free ride and someone to scab off, I DON'T LIKE IT.

 

I hope she finds someone who will give her some of her own back, and as I said to her, one of these days babe you are going to stumble across someone who you really really care for and he ain't goin to care the same back and you are going to fall flat on your ass.

 

In reply Miz_Barbie, Thank you for writing back to me, and I will stay strong on this now. You are right you can't change a wh*$e into a house wife, although for such a long time I have been praying this wasn't true (2 years in fact). Oh well, her loss I am going to find someone special who I can treat beautifully and they appreciate me and they'll treat me beautifully back.

 

Thanks Again, to all my friends here at LoveShack.Org.