"When a man says you deserve better..."

[BetheButterfly]

"When a man says you deserve better, listen to him.

 

"You deserve better" doesn't mean he's going to try and be a better man for you.

 

It means, "Yeah, I know I'm treating you crappy, but I won't put in more effort. This is all you're gonna get outta me!" - Quiet Storm

 

Quiet Storm and fellow Loveshackers,

 

I have a great friend whose boyfriend is going through depression, and says the "you deserve better" line to her.

 

She has told him repeatedly however that she loves him, accepts him, and is there for him. They have been a couple for 4+ years. When they first met, he was not depressed. However, the depression is a result of his losing his best friend and losing his job around 2 years ago.

 

What do you think she should do? I know she loves him. I have never met him. They are a long distance couple. Do you think that in the case of a depressed human being, "you deserve better" means the above, or is it simply an issue of acute depression in this case?

 

What do you think is best for her to do? I personally have encouraged her to reevaluate the relationship. She says that she loves him (which I know is true) and doesn't want to abandon him. She hopes he gets out of the depression soon because she wants him to be happy. She thinks her leaving him will only worsen his depression, yet she doesn't see herself as trapped in staying.

 

Again, I know she genuinely loves him, and wants them to be happy together and for him to be ok. He wasn't always depressed. Losing a best friend and a job one's had for years does tend to hit some people very hard. What do you think she should do in this case?

 

I told her I support her whatever she decides, but knowing her, i know the last thing she wants to do is leave him. When he says "you deserve better" it really bothers her though, because she sees herself as a team with him. She is very emotionally connected and just wants him to be well, and no longer be depressed.

[amaysngrace]

I feel bad for him. People who say that typically don't value themselves very much but think highly of the person they're saying it to.

 

I would probably stay with him and encourage him to get treated for the depression.

 

Then wait and see.

[Negative Nancy]

depression is a completely different story and quiet storm's "advise" should not be applied in the case of your friend. that's all there is to say.

 

because in his case, he might speak from a place of feeling unworthy and ---- depressed, so he might worry that he is not good enough for her in his current state of mind.

 

it's nothing to do with the other poster's situation at all.

[FitChick]

Why hasn't one of them moved after four years? Perhaps his job prospects and a change of scenery would be better where she lives.

 

Otherwise, it sounds like he doesn't feel worthy in his present circumstances (some men have pride) and that maintaining any kind of relationship, even long distance, is too much for him to deal with now.

[KathyM]

I think she should encourage him to get counseling for his depression. That is something that counseling alone or counseling combined with medication could most likely resolve. He may be suffering from an adjustment disorder because of the loss of his job and his friend, and a counselor would likely be able to help him with that. Tell her she should urge him to seek psychological counseling from a licensed therapist. I do believe it will help. I'm not particularly in favor of long distance relationships, because I think they are very hard to maintain, but right now I would suggest she urge him to get counseling. He doesn't seem to be able to get past this on his own, so he needs help to do so.