My Says She Loves Me But Is No Longer Attracted To Me

[OWENRICH]

HELLO ALL, I NEED HELP AND ADVICE. ME AND MY WIFE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR JUST OVER 5 YEARS AND HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD BOY. UP UNTIL A FEW WEEKS AGO EVERYTHING WAS GREAT BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN MY WIFE STARTED GOING OUT EVERY NIGHT TO GET AWAY FROM ME. NOW SHE STAYS HOME BUT SHE IS ALWAYS ON THE PHONE TALKING. SHE IS JUST TALKING TO HER FRIENDS BUT IT IS HER WAY OF AVOIDING ME I THINK. WE USUALLY DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER AND ARE A VERY CLOSE THREESOME. WHEN CONFRONTED ABOUT HER ACTIONS SHE FIRST SAID I WAS BEING SILLY THEN THE NEXT DAY SHE FINALLY OPENED UP AND TOLD ME THAT SHE LOVES ME BUT IS NO LONGER ATTRACTED TO ME AND DOESN'T WANT TO WASTE MORE OF HER AND MY TIME BY BEING TOGETHER.

 

I TOLD HER I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY BUT I NEED MORE INPUT AND THAT WE SHOULD TRY EVERYTHING POSSIBLE BEFORE WE GIVE UP AND SEPARATE. AFTER ALL WE HAVE A GREAT LITTLE BOY THAT LOVES US AND NEEDS US AND THAT IN ITSELF SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO AT LEAST TRY. HER RESPONSE IS THAT I SHOULDN'T PUT THE CHILD IN THE MIDDLE AND SHOULD LEAVE HIM OUT OF IT. AND THAT SHE DOESN'T SEE HOW TALKING TO A COUNSLER WILL CHANGE HOW SHE FEELS.. SHE SAYS ONCE THE ATTRACTION IS GONE ITS GONE.

 

SHE IS STILL WITH ME BUT SHE ACTS LIKE SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME UNLESS WE ARE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE THEN SHE PUTS ON A SHOW AND ACTS LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG. SHE WONT TALK TO HER FAMILY ABOUT THIS AT ALL. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO BE MORE AFFECTIONATE BUT IT IS HARD WHEN THE ACTIONS ARE NOT RETURNED. SHE STILL SAYS SHE LOVES ME BUT I KNOW THE SPARK IS GONE AND I NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO GET IT BACK. SHE SEEMS VERY ANGRY TO EVERYONE AND ALSO SAYS NOTHING MAKES HER HAPPY ANYMORE. WHEN ASKED IF THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE SHE SAYS DEFINATLY NOT. SHE STILL TAKES CARE OF THE HOUSE AND COOKS AND IF YOU LOOKED AT US THROUGH A CAMERA YOU WOULD THINK EVERYTHING IS FINE EXCEPT THERE IS NO AFFECTION.

 

I SHOULD ALSO SAY SHE IS STILL MAKING PLANS SEVERAL WEEKS DOWN THE ROAD TO DO THINGS AND IN FEB 2004 WE DECIDED TO TRY TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD BUT WE HAVE NOT GOTTEN PREGNATE YET. I THINK SHE IS HAVING THE 7 YEAR ITCH AND IS SCARED THAT THIS IS ALL THERE IS TO LIFE AND SHE MIGHT BE MISSING SOMETHING BETTER. WE HAVE A NICE HOUSE AND MONEY IS NOT A PROBLEM USUALLY. I AM VERY CONFUSED WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO TALK TO HER AS NOT TO PUSH HER AWAY.

 

PLEASE HELP ME!!!

[jmargel]

First, please take off the caps.

 

Second, sometimes a relationship needs a 'challenge'. It's not head-games, but once the routine sets in, things can become dull. First thing you should do is stop the affection, stop the 'I love you'. Attraction can mean alot of things, not just physical. Back off some, and do things on your own. When you do go out with her, go to places that are fun. Something exciting.

 

When she says she doesn't look forward to anything, that is a sign of depression. The depression isn't because of you necessarily. It could be from alot of things combined. She needs to see a doctor/councilor so she can get the help she needs. Counciling isn't about changing her mind, but to get her thoughts clear. Please make sure she understands this. If you do see a councilor, find one who is licenced in marriage counciling.

 

You might be doing things to her that you aren't even aware of. For one to say everything is great, is usually not the case. She just didn't lose attraction for you, for no reason at all. Think back perhaps you have been too critical of her, or not paying enough attention to her. Miscommunication could lead to alot of problems such as these.

[Mr baseball]

Hi I'm in the same boat. I would say that about 98% of your story fits mine. I have been with the same woman for 11 years 9 of which we have been married. I have a 2 year old that is very close to 3. My wife goes out all the time and talk's on the phone to three female friends. We started going to a counselor and he said the attraction thing is a smoke screen. I asked him if she may have p.p.d 3 years after child birth and he said that was a good question? I told him about all the negative things she says about us and he said that is also a smoke screen? I will tell you in my case I think the "grass is greener" and the influence from friends does play a large part. My wife has told me that she was "done" with our marriage and then three days later decided to take it one day at a time. I would just support her as much as you can for now and see how she reacts. I think its working for me. Good luck!!!!!!!