Help me please

[Cletus]

Hello, I have been dating a woman now for over a year and i need some good advice. The girl that i have been dating is from a very different religious background than i am from. Her church is involved in speaking in tounges and dancing all around and shaking and a few other things during church service. I on the other hand come from a methodist and church of christ background. We don't have a full band in church and we don't wave our hands around and dance and fall out during church. I always knew that her church did this but no matter how much i disliked it i ignored it for a very long time. I love this woman very much and would love for her to be a part of my life forever. For most of the time we were dating, she liked to do the same things as me. We would go out drinking, dancing and having a good time. We also made love several times a week. I know that sex before marriage is wrong according to both of our religions and i don't really have a problem with that. She has recently stopped making love with me and stopped wanting to go out and party. It's like she just did a complete 180. Our biggest problem now is the whole church thing. For the longest time now i have wanted her and I to go to church together. I tried going to her church several times and she went with me once or twice. Neither one of us liked the other persons church. In order for us to continue our relationship it is necessary that we do something about this problem. I told her that i love her with all my heart and will give up my church and go around and find a church that we both can be satisfied with. She didn't like this suggestion at all. She told me that she would not give up her church for anybody. She told me that if i loved her enough i would quit my church and go with her all the time. This to me is not fair. Of course I would like for her to go to mine all the time but i didn't see this as fair that is why i suggested us trying to find a church we could both be satisfied with. She will not move from her decision. It's her way only. I just don't understand. I could make the same stand as her but I thought that that would get us nowhere kind of like a stale mate. Am I wrong? Is she wrong? I just don't know. Another thing is her father is the pastor at the church she goes to. She is 23 and lived at home her whole life. She has been very sheltered. At first it was like she was leading two different lives. On sunday and on wednesday night, she was miss religious but the rest of the week she was out having a good time like the rest of us. Now we both want to solve this problem but have no idea how. Someone please give me some advice because i love her and do not want to lose her but on the other hand i think she is being very selfish. Any suggestions?

[Tony T]

It's no minor detail that her father is the pastor of her church. She has been brought up there and it's not likely she will ever change. It is because of her father that she is not willing to find still another church that both of you can agree on.

 

There are a lot of things you need to pay attention to here. At first the two of you had sex and partied during the week, now she has halted that. This religious issue was not an important one but now is.

 

I think you have some important cues that you are headed for hell with this chick. Religion seems to be a very important part of her life and she's not going to give up her church. You do not feel comfortable there.

 

Didn't it strike you as a bit hypocritical that she was Miss Religious, as you say, on Sundays and Wednesdays and Miss Wild Woman the rest of the week? And now, she has chosen the holy life over everything else. That is her choice to make, of course.

 

If you marry her, she will want the children going to her church...so will her pastor daddy and pastor's wife mama. Your children will jump up and twist and shout on Sunday mornings and you won't like it. Her uncompromising stance regarding attendence at her church only comes directly from her daddy. You have to understand she's known her dear old dad a lot longer than she has known you.

 

I'm sure as time goes on, there are other issues that will surface. Perhaps you believe in psychic phenomenon...I guarantee you she consider's that evil. She will decide the TV programs you are allowed to watch. She will choose the books you are allowed to read. She will not want you fraternizing with friends who are not Christian. She will not want you to go to clubs or for drinks. And the list will get larger and larger with time.

 

I have a feeling you have only just begun to see the incompatibilities. It is unfortunate that you are in love with this lady but it takes a lot more than love to carry a relationship through the tests of time.

 

She has gone through her wild, rebellious period and is now settling back into her strict Christian upbringing. Nothing wrong with that except you are not disposed to the fanaticism of it all.

 

You have only two choices. You can do is enjoy church bands, wave you hands, dance and fall down in her church on Wednesdays and Sundays and wait for more surprises to follow. Give a lot of thought to all future ramifications if you choose this option.

 

Or you can give up on this thing, find someone who wants to be your compromising equal loving partner, and start life out without both hands tied behind your back. This option sounds a lot more romantic to me.

 

God Bless You!!!

[Queenie]

Cletus,

 

I myself come from a Pentecostal background. All she was doing was rebelling with you. You were the cover she needed in order to get out and try what she wanted to try and do what she wanted to do. She knew that you cared enough for her to watch out for her and she also knew that she could weave her charm to get you to do what she wants.

 

Beleive me I did the same thing, I'm not proud of myself but here's at least an explanation: The Petecost Religion is extremly protective of their own - not a cult so please don't misunderstand, the girl you are dating will probably live a double life until she finally meets the person whom she will Marry and she will marry him because he knows how to be flexible enough to keep her secrets. Remember this, the way these people act out their love of God at church is exactly how they carry on their lives at home. Especially for her because she is trapped under the same roof as the man who leads the church and it's people, she needs the release every now and then. If her father found out what she was doing he would definetly punish her no matter how old she is; she is still his child and she is still living under his roof.

 

So Good Luck to you, if you love this girl enough to stick it out with her it will be a rough road but you never know she might be worth it!

Hello, I have been dating a woman now for over a year and i need some good advice. The girl that i have been dating is from a very different religious background than i am from. Her church is involved in speaking in tounges and dancing all around and shaking and a few other things during church service. I on the other hand come from a methodist and church of christ background. We don't have a full band in church and we don't wave our hands around and dance and fall out during church. I always knew that her church did this but no matter how much i disliked it i ignored it for a very long time. I love this woman very much and would love for her to be a part of my life forever. For most of the time we were dating, she liked to do the same things as me. We would go out drinking, dancing and having a good time. We also made love several times a week. I know that sex before marriage is wrong according to both of our religions and i don't really have a problem with that. She has recently stopped making love with me and stopped wanting to go out and party. It's like she just did a complete 180. Our biggest problem now is the whole church thing. For the longest time now i have wanted her and I to go to church together. I tried going to her church several times and she went with me once or twice. Neither one of us liked the other persons church. In order for us to continue our relationship it is necessary that we do something about this problem. I told her that i love her with all my heart and will give up my church and go around and find a church that we both can be satisfied with. She didn't like this suggestion at all. She told me that she would not give up her church for anybody. She told me that if i loved her enough i would quit my church and go with her all the time. This to me is not fair. Of course I would like for her to go to mine all the time but i didn't see this as fair that is why i suggested us trying to find a church we could both be satisfied with. She will not move from her decision. It's her way only. I just don't understand. I could make the same stand as her but I thought that that would get us nowhere kind of like a stale mate. Am I wrong? Is she wrong? I just don't know. Another thing is her father is the pastor at the church she goes to. She is 23 and lived at home her whole life. She has been very sheltered. At first it was like she was leading two different lives. On sunday and on wednesday night, she was miss religious but the rest of the week she was out having a good time like the rest of us. Now we both want to solve this problem but have no idea how. Someone please give me some advice because i love her and do not want to lose her but on the other hand i think she is being very selfish. Any suggestions?

[Rogue]

It's important to her..she's important to you..then that makes it your concern. Talk to her about her church.Ask her questions about it,try to find out from her directly what about appeals to her and why it's important her.Give it a try and also to leave some of your hang ups behind. Really make sincere effort to be open minded...try to understand her position!

[Mitch]

"Another thing is her father is the pastor at the church she goes to. She is 23 and lived at home her whole life"

Now there's a fun bunch of in-laws in the waiting!

 

If you find a fix, let me know, because this has been a showstopper for me too but in milder forms.

 

Yeeuch, especially with her dad the head of the church.

 

Not only is she dumping her religion, but effectively her Dad too by switching churches.

 

I don't see that happening.

 

Talk to her about it, go over the things that you think are mega problems and listen.

 

But this is a tough one. Be prepared for an unhappy outcome.

 

Good luck.