Trying to reconcile divorce, but cannot quit loving someone else....

[Tracy]

This is my first forum question, so please be patient My husband and I divorced two years ago. We had a multitude of problems, including too much work, not enough attention to each other, and the relationship ultimately ended because of infedelity. We were both to blame (infedelity), however, when we divorced it was because I fell in love with another man (we'll call him Jon).

 

We have two small children and have struggled continually since the divorce. We struggled with the damage we were inflicting on our children, what God's will was for us, and I personally struggled with the guilt of being unfaithful while I was married and letting that lead to divorce. Past 2 yrs, we would go back and forth trying to make things work, but never succeeding. We were both involved with other people during the times we weren't talking to each other, "trying to make things work". He was in numerous relationships, a couple serious. I continued to yo-yo back and forth between him and Jon.

 

Jon was always there waiting for me when I would decide that things couldn't work with my ex. I constantly struggled with guilt and wondering if I really loved Jon, or if it was just some sort of infutuation. After two years of playing yo-yo, my ex and I decided we could not find a solution. In January, we prayed about things and decided to make a real attempt at rebuilding our family, including completely dissolving relationships with anyone else. We (family) have been living together for three months. Most of the time, things are ok. We still struggle with some issues, but for the first time, we're both trying.

 

Here is my struggle: I am doing everything I can: praying, doing my best to past behind, being attentive to him. But, I cannot forget about Jon. I am afraid that I have realized I do love him like I thought I did. I am afraid I let other people convince me it wasn't the real thing. What do I do? Stick it out, have patience and hope I will learn to love my husband the way I really love Jon? I have not had any contact with Jon since January, and I try to put him out of my mind. My husband is a good man, father, good looking, everything I should wish for. I wish I could love him the way he deserves, the way I love Jon. Do I share this with my husband, give things time, give up on fantasies of Jon? Please help.

[overseas2004]

Gosh girl that is a really tough one. I would not want to be in your shoes. I am a traditionalist and would always have to say that it is far better to not destroy a marriage. However, i assume that your feelings will not go away and you will not be able to ultimately ignore them... whether that be your love for Jon or your not in loveness with your current husband.

 

You have truly stumped me. I don't know what to say.

 

I guess time will help you figure it out yourself...

[tiki]

First off, you seem really intelligent and heartfelt too. I could feel your pain while reading your story. You seem to be a good person inside. My advice would be to continue to pray about it. You and your husband should check into counseling and rebuild your marriage. Maybe it can be completely rebuilt? You definitely owe it to your children to give it all you got. Don't see "Jon" -- which it doesn't sound like you have. That's a step in the right direction. You know where your heart belongs, or you wouldn't have had no contact with him for all these months. Good luck and don't give up.

[Rachel36]

I know exactly what you are going thru and it hurts soo badly. Your story is the exact same thing that is happening to me! I have been away from my ex hubby for 2 years and I have been in love with another man for over a year! I have never broke contact with my ex hubby, we are still very close! We also have children together and the guilt I carry is overwhelming. Ex hubby did some disrespectable things to me over the last few years we were together. He would not listen to me on how I was feeling with the way he was treating me! I felt like a slave,like a piece of meat, like I was worthless. I did the yo-yo thing too with my new man and ex hubby, but I could not put the past behind me! I don't trust that he will change and respect me and treat me like a wife instead of his doormat.

I have been forcing myself to move on as bad as it hurts. I still love my ex but don't feel I can trust him with my life! I already gave him 16 yrs of my life and I'm not willing to give him another day!! Life is just too short to be treated that way!! I deserve to be loved and respected and so do you!! Good luck to you!!

[jazzin7]

Since you are into praying, I would suggest you go to web site called restoreministries or restorem.org (same thing). Pray that the cords of your sin to Jon be broken. God will restore your love to the "husband of your youth", and pray also for your husband "you are the wife of his youth". God states in his Word that he hates divorce.

 

 

Say this prayer to break soul ties with Jon.

 

Dear Heavenly Father,

 

I come to You, in Jesus' name, and acknowledge that You gave everyone a free will. I humbly repent for allowing any control or bondage in my life, and ask to be forgiven. I RENOUNCE all use of soul power. I RENOUNCE allowing myself to be controlled or manipulated in any way. I loose myself from all control, soul bonding, bondage, slavery, or any spirits that have come from the controller, any sex partner in the past or by any person specifically (name of person).

 

I declare that Jesus has delivered me from bondage and I am a child of Light and the Bride of Christ. I now ask You, Lord Jesus, to set me free from these soul ties soul bonds or cords of iniquity between and any sex partner of the past, or any other person or persons, specifically (name of person). I cancel and break this bonding and cords of iniquity permanently. I take back all rights to my body, to my soul and to my spirit. I release all parts of the other person. I break any psychic links between me and any other person.

 

I ask You, Father, to apply the Blood of Jesus to where these cords were connected so they can never be reconnected. I command all spirits that have come from the controller(s), or any demon that makes these psychic links operate, to leave me now and never return, in Jesus' name. It is my desire to worship You, Heavenly Father, with all my body, soul and spirit. In Jesus' name. Amen.

[Tracy]

Thank you to the several people who posted a response to my dilemma. Before, I thought forums like this were useless and even harmful. But I think it's great that people are interested and take the time to give meaningful answers, not just trash. It has helped.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think as long as there is some willingness on both spouses' part to try and make the marriage work --- then there is no reason to leave. Only when all options have been exhausted, and there is no stone left unturned, should they then agree to part.

 

It is not a good idea to leave a marriage just because there is another romantic interest waiting in the wings --- or even the "hope" of meeting someone who might make a better partner for us than our current spouse. If you leave solely for these reasons, it may not work out the way you want it to in the end, and you'll find yourself facing the rest of your life alone, anyway.

 

You'll know in your heart when its time to throw in the towel. There will not be any lingering questions or doubts about what you are proposing to do. The time to exit is when you can honestly say to yourself: "I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than spend another day in the situation I'm in."… and you'll mean it. Because, in the end, it might be the only alternative you are left with.

 

If you can not bare the thought of leaving your marriage behind and living the rest of your life alone…than you are no where near ready to handle the potential disappointment and are at a greater risk of experiencing regret and "second thoughts" later on.

 

Try not to focus of the "what ifs"…instead, concentrate on the "here and now."