whichwayisup Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Yes I throw down the gauntlet and it really upsets him. I guess I am not being fair. Feel like a complete b ch now He has told me he is not going to make a decision right now so I should be more understanding I guess. I am dreading this person dying, I just don't know how that will go with him It really sounds like you want it all (with him) and he is only able to offer you 'the affair' and for you to be his OW. In his mind, you're rocking the boat and pushing it, which is why he is stressed, amongst everything else that is going on in his life.. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Yes I do understand more now as I said earlier. I have accepted that they are his family too and he loves them so I shall not expect him to come clean to them either. As for what someone said above, it takes two to end a marriage but what exactly do you call a marriage??? When one spouse is madly and deeply in love and hardly every at home and you know about it and you do nothing to stop it, and you just pretend everything is fine. He has tried to talk it over with her but she refuses to talk to him or me so now leaves everyone in limbo. As I said he cannot leave right now as her father is dying and I would not want him to. And as someone said above, why are you being defensive, did you not read the posts, because some nutjob called me a nutjob !!!!:D:D If MM is so deeply in love with you, never at home, and his wife doesn't give a damn, then why doesn't he go ahead and file for divorce? Is the wife's father dying in their home or someplace else? If the father is not at their home and depending on MM to meet his needs that still isn't an excuse to not file for divorce. Why doesn't he at least separate from his wife and move in with you? He's definitely cake eating here. Another point is the wife doesn't have to talk to either of you in order for him to file for divorce. The attorneys can do all the talking without either of them and especially you talking it over. No need for communication if that's how the W wants it. One other point is this - if the entire family knows about you then why aren't you going to the graduation? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 (edited) I'm not sure how a BS not acknowledging an affair puts everyone in limbo. I really don't get that. Should she acknowledge, pack the MM's bags, file for divorce, call up the OW and congratulate her so that he doesn't have to dirty his hands any further? I don't get it. He wants the divorce allegedly, so he should be the one to do all the work. His OW is not his lawyer or the mediator. If you want to end a relationship, especially if you have someone else in the wings, then frankly, the other person's denial won't stop you. You keep telling the them the truth and keep saying what you want and what you will do and they have to at some point accept it...or not..but you will do what you need to to be free. Has the MM consistently done this? Written an email, letter, left a voicemail, text, sat her down and explained he wants a divorce and is moving on? Or has he just claimed that this woman is an irrational crazy lady who runs around the house with her hands over her ears screaming when he tries to talk??? How exactly has he said he brought it up and how many times? Thus far I heard someone else mention another person sending her a message about the A and in this thread, delirious is the one who is trying to call her. Seems like everyone BUT her husband has sat down to have a grownup conversation. I've heard of people who won't sign divorce papers...yet that doesn't stop the spouse from moving out, living somewhere else and openly dating other people. "She won't let me break up with her" is not a good excuse IMO. People break up and divorce people all the while who would have preferred to stay with them. So in this case it is no different. This is the MM's decision about his life and part in a marriage he supposedly wants no more of...if he already made his choice, he should follow through. If he doesn't or has a ton of excuses, particularly ones blaming the BS for not letting him break up with her lol, chances are he is full of crap and is exactly where he wants to be. Edited July 13, 2012 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 (edited) He said he did not have to go and that if they all knew about us, then he would not be going. BS is not going. I am kind of confused how do you know that all of them know about you? Did he tell you that? Are you sure his wife knows you are together? He loves her family they have been together a long time.I am wondering does he plan on divoricing his wife. Have you ever talked to her before, she might think you are just a client. I am just wondering why you thought you had a right to tell him not to go and to call her. Edited July 13, 2012 by scatterd Link to post Share on other sites
jade4071 Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Not trying to be a jerk but I just don't understand your desire to contact the BS? Isn't that your MM's job? If you want the marriage to end, etc etc.....what do you think your contact with her will do? It would likely cause way more drama and problems than anything it might solve. I think contact with her is counterintuitive to what you would like to see happen. Besides that, you've tried to reach her and she hasn't responded; she clearly isn't interested in speaking to you. When someone makes that clear, the only thing to do is respect the person by leaving them alone. Persistence does not pay off in this case. You have clearly become impatient with the situation and have made that clear, as you stated about throwing down the gauntlet to your MM. IDK about men in general but most of the men I know personally don't respond well to ultimatums. H*ll, most women I know don't respond well to them either. IMO, the only way your MM will take you seriously is on your follow through. That said, he still may not do what you him to. As far as your description about their marriage, no one knows what goes on in another person's home. He tells you his side, his version, whatever he thinks you want to hear and to keep you hooked. If the affair causes you this much distress (it may to some and may not to others), you should strongly consider following through on whatever you said when you threw down the gauntlet. The MM and BS clearly still have a lot of issues to sort through, work out, deal with and you have run out of patience. So it sounds like it's not working for you. Why keep beating your head on the wall when your MM clearly isn't serious enough to take the next step and do what you want him to? I'm not saying he should but I am pointing out what you want isn't happening. FWIW, I'm not advocating anything; not advocating adultery or fidelity, just pointing out the obvious. With any relationship, if reasonable time and effort is put in and you still aren't getting what you want/need from the other....WTH is the point of continuing? Yes, I know, you love him and all but what are YOU getting out of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author delirious Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 Sh... this is like chinese whispers Some people are picking out bits and twisting them around. Some people are going through old posts and getting the wrong end of the stick. I said now I was willing to understand the feelings that he has for his wife's family. Now I accept that thank you for some of you pointing out my misunderstanding. Please do not mention this again anyone!!! When I said he gets upset, I mean he cries, he does not get angry. How does upset mean angry??? Is that American Right now after all our upset, he can't eat of sleep and looks like shi.... I can't leave him whilst his fil is dying any more than he can leave her for the same reason. No one could file for divorce then. FFS That would be cruel; what is wrong with you people saying that jeez. I think the point of this thread has been lost completely due to people clouding it with old posts from years ago that have been superseded. GOODBYE AND THANK YOU Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Goodbye . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author delirious Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 FYI, your post about someone sending your mm's wife a letter is not years old, a few months. Good luck to ya. Well i cannot recall the date but thanks for splitting hairs. Things have moved on since then...... Thing is, how the hell can you start picking up old posts in relation to an updated matter months later about something entirely different. really the point of this forum is to deal with the current situation and not answer a problem months old ffs or else we would never EVER get to the point and involves people sifting through loads of now irrelevant cra.... A bit like what you do when your marriage is bad. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Delirious... What are you really mad about? Focus before/if you choose to answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 (edited) Since delirious apparently has it all figured out, I don't see the purpose of this thread. Edited July 13, 2012 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jade4071 Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Sh... this is like chinese whispers Some people are picking out bits and twisting them around. Some people are going through old posts and getting the wrong end of the stick. I said now I was willing to understand the feelings that he has for his wife's family. Now I accept that thank you for some of you pointing out my misunderstanding. Please do not mention this again anyone!!! When I said he gets upset, I mean he cries, he does not get angry. How does upset mean angry??? Is that American Wow, you really lash out at everything! Right now after all our upset, he can't eat of sleep and looks like shi.... That's too bad..... I can't leave him whilst his fil is dying any more than he can leave her for the same reason. No one could file for divorce then. FFS That would be cruel; what is wrong with you people saying that jeez. So, continuing to conduct your affair with the MM while laying down the gauntlet to him, while the BS's dad is dying, is somehow less cruel to the BS? My dad died 9 months ago and had I been with someone screwing around during that same time, I seriously would rather them leave than stick around while I was dealing with my parent dying, because the inevitable relationship troubles and/or end would eventually have to be faced anyway. I wouldn't need or want the support of someone who doesn't 100% want to be there to begin with. That's just me and maybe the BS doesn't feel the same way. In any case, maybe you should back off a bit (set your selfishness and anger aside) and let these people deal with what they have going on. She/their marriage was there long before you were and it sounds like they have a lot going on. Stop calling the BS too, as if she doesn't have enough to deal with. What are you so angry about anyway? I think the point of this thread has been lost completely due to people clouding it with old posts from years ago that have been superseded. GOODBYE AND THANK YOU Good luck.... Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 OP, i'm getting the impression that you are unhappy about certain aspects of the affair, but when you bring them up to your married man he gets upset ( cries?)... I'm sorry, but hat sounds pretty manipulative to me, like what a child would do to get his own way. he sounds like a knob..he's got his wife at home looking after him, and you on the outside looking in, also looking after him. he's right where he wants to be, and where does that leave you? his wife/ inlaws are no more capable of making him stay than you are of making him leave...after fours years , he's got you both right where he wants you...both of you blaming each other for your hurts rather than the person who's playing you against each other... for all you know, she found out about you..she told him to leave, he begged her to stay, and here the three of you are...god only knows what he's telling her each time you call ( "she just won't let go") i wonder, if you and she were to compare your stories just what truths would come out of it all... but after 4 years you still stay...are you just where you want to be? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author delirious Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 His wife finding or should I say him telling you she found out IS absolutely relevant to this thread as you mentioned it in your opening post and you talked quite a bit about how his wife was reacting or not reacting. So my response had everything to do with that. Also I looked through some of your post posts because I didn't know what your situation was. Next time I'll refrain from responding since you've been quite rude. She found out, he brought me the letter straight away she received, she gave it to him and she went to work! Sorry I did not mean to be rude, just a bit emotional just now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author delirious Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 """ So, continuing to conduct your affair with the MM while laying down the gauntlet to him, while the BS's dad is dying, is somehow less cruel to the BS? My dad died 9 months ago and had I been with someone screwing around during that same time, I seriously would rather them leave than stick around while I was dealing with my parent dying, because the inevitable relationship troubles and/or end would eventually have to be faced anyway. I wouldn't need or want the support of someone who doesn't 100% want to be there to begin with. That's just me and maybe the BS doesn't feel the same way. In any case, maybe you should back off a bit (set your selfishness and anger aside) and let these people deal with what they have going on. She/their marriage was there long before you were and it sounds like they have a lot going on. Stop calling the BS too, as if she doesn't have enough to deal with. What are you so angry about anyway? """ What is happening someone is mixing up my posts with someone elses here.??? I don't think he is being there for her, I think he is there because he cares about him a lot and it sure as hell would be horrible to find out about it whilst he is dying. She has lots of other family members and does not rely on him for support emotionally at all JUST FINANCIALLY. He chooses to be there for the family, not bs particularly,. And as one poster put it, BS does not look after him at home thanks, he doesn't want looking after, he actually does most of his own washing, cooking and ironing and works ten hours a day!! BS doesn't. Why would you assume that, this is 2012 As I said earlier, I am not laying down the gauntlet now. I am going to step back thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 I know many come here looking for tea and sympathy and we get challenged and a few brick bats. ALL OF US have experienced this, not just you d. As for reading past posts, I for one, encourage it as I have had posters swings bats that had no clue as to my sitch, and whether they realized it or not, their posts had no relevance to my issues as they had not read my history. With that being said d, just something to think about: Is it possible he intercepted the letter, before she even saw it, and claimed she didn't care? I think that is a fairly typical assertion. I know after my H convinced himself I didn't care during his affair, he convinced her of it. Nothing could be further from th truth! I thought he was working late trying to get ahead in his new job. That certainly would have stopped you dead in your tracks from attempting any further communication with his wife, no? Sorry to be so cynical, but after reading here for years, I have heard and seen it all, including faking a spouse's terminal cancer to get the AP to back off from gauntlet throwing. Good luck to you, and I really, truly mean that. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 delerious, I'm not trying to attack you or your married man, but I am trying to offer yu a different perspective... i suggest you take a look at the infidelity section ( especially posts written by former wayward spouses who have reconciled). I think you may be surprised at how many have been very muh like your married man, at least in their own mind. Look at how many wayward spouses were lying to their other man/woman about their home life...how many made every excuse to stay, and how, when push came to shove, leaving their marriage wasn't what they wanted...what they wanted was to have the best of both worlds. Think of it this way...did you force him to be with you, or did he decide that on his own? If the answer is that he decided that on his own, then it also applies to him staying i his marriage...he's deciding that on his own too. You can either accept that or not, but the only one who can change his actions is him. Excusing his choices won't chnage the fat that, on some level, being in his marriage is what he wants right now. If you can't accept that, then tell him so...see what he does. As for the letter...are you sure she saw it? you say he brought it back to you after she saw it/ Really think about that...if you were in her position, would you give the letter back, or would you tear it up, yell at him, whatever? I really think he's full of [email protected]lly, what he is telling you makes little sense. Like i said before...if you want to stay with him, you will have to accept him as he is and that he can only give you so much...is that enough for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author delirious Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 Yeah Spark that did cross my mind, he would have had to be incredibly lucky though as he was at my house when she opened it. When he came to mine, he was in a state, so I really think not. However also her not answering the phone to me, i have rung her 10 times with my number attached proves that she just doesn't want to know. Also she has not invited me to events when she could have done if she had not known about me. I know him now after four years, he is not good at lying so there is no way she does not know. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 I know many come here looking for tea and sympathy and we get challenged and a few brick bats. ALL OF US have experienced this, not just you d. As for reading past posts, I for one, encourage it as I have had posters swings bats that had no clue as to my sitch, and whether they realized it or not, their posts had no relevance to my issues as they had not read my history. With that being said d, just something to think about: Is it possible he intercepted the letter, before she even saw it, and claimed she didn't care? I think that is a fairly typical assertion. I know after my H convinced himself I didn't care during his affair, he convinced her of it. Nothing could be further from th truth! I thought he was working late trying to get ahead in his new job. That certainly would have stopped you dead in your tracks from attempting any further communication with his wife, no? Sorry to be so cynical, but after reading here for years, I have heard and seen it all, including faking a spouse's terminal cancer to get the AP to back off from gauntlet throwing. Good luck to you, and I really, truly mean that. same here....my kids had health problems and i was worn out from looking after them...to my husband's other woman, that translated to " she doesn't care" when what it really was is that i thought she was just a friend of his...after all, why would a single woman want to be involved with a married guy with three kids? Stupid of me, I know. If you really want to know what's going on, all her from a different number and talk to her, send her a private facebook message he can't intercept, whatever. Maybe he is being honest, maybe not...but at least you'll know what's going on... will it matter to you if his wife didn't know when all along he was telling you she did? Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Your thread is called, " Cake eating....hypocrisy " I think you're concerns are valid. Your MM is definitely cake eating. Some things don't add up. If a man is planning to leave and you're under the impression his wife knows, his and her family knows then why is he participating in family functions and being there for his father-in-law who is dying. If my father were dying and he knew his son-in-law was cheating on his daughter he would refuse to see him and probably punch his lights out. Also, if my sibling knew my husband was cheating on me the last thing they'd want was for him to join them in celebrating their son's graduation. From what your saying it seems your MM's family is very friendly with him, and I believe it's because they don't know he's got you on the side. I can see why you're confused...things just don't add up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 OK, so he has a wife that seemingly doesn't care and did not move to divorce or separate. That kicked the ball squarely into his court. The next play, and all future plays, are HIS. As long as she is okay with it, ONLY YOU can tell him what you want and when. Yes, a gauntlet and a timeline. The only other option is to stay exactly where you are doing exactly what you are doing. If you are ok with that, fine. Nothing changes. If you are not okay with it, then you will have to kickstart your future with an ultimatum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 delirious, when something doesn't make sense, it's a lie. That's been my experience in life. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 delirious, when something doesn't make sense, it's a lie. That's been my experience in life. one night when i couldn't sleep I ended up watch the "Judge Judy"( trashy, i know) show on YouTube... she used that same line ( " if something doesn't make sense then it's probably not the truth") and it stuck in my mind as pretty good advice... another thing was a poster my dad used to have on his lab wall ( he's was a microbiologist who specialized in mycology-the study of fungi)... " I must be a mushroom...I get kept in the dark and fed lots of bullsh@t"... seems like that really applies to both the betrayed spoue and the other man/woman 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 He chooses to be there for the family, not bs particularly,. What you don't seem to understand is his wife is his family! This man is lying to you on every level. If you don't believe us, wait until he is home from work and then go over there to sit down and talk to them. Watch him fall apart. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 one night when i couldn't sleep I ended up watch the "Judge Judy"( trashy, i know) show on YouTube... she used that same line ( " if something doesn't make sense then it's probably not the truth") and it stuck in my mind as pretty good advice... another thing was a poster my dad used to have on his lab wall ( he's was a microbiologist who specialized in mycology-the study of fungi)... " I must be a mushroom...I get kept in the dark and fed lots of bullsh@t"... seems like that really applies to both the betrayed spoue and the other man/woman What I took from that saying as a little girl was, my lies better make sense! bwwahahahaa never heard the mushroom one! Link to post Share on other sites
Author delirious Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 (edited) Your thread is called, " Cake eating....hypocrisy " I think you're concerns are valid. Your MM is definitely cake eating. Some things don't add up. If a man is planning to leave and you're under the impression his wife knows, his and her family knows then why is he participating in family functions and being there for his father-in-law who is dying. If my father were dying and he knew his son-in-law was cheating on his daughter he would refuse to see him and probably punch his lights out. Also, if my sibling knew my husband was cheating on me the last thing they'd want was for him to join them in celebrating their son's graduation. This is my point, I would not want him to go for that reason Finally someone gets that. Everyone else is saying he is still part of that family.... From what your saying it seems your MM's family is very friendly with him, and I believe it's because they don't know he's got you on the side. I can see why you're confused...things just don't add up. No YOU are confused Bs's family DO NOT KNOW about me. That is why i didn't want him to go!!! Other posts: The BS knows, she knows me, she knows I am not a bunny boiler so she would not think that. She also knows people who know me so knows I am not going bunny too. SHE GOT THE LETTER, HE CAME TO SEE ME ABOUT IT immediately, HE ASKED ME NOT TO SAY ANYTHING IF SHE RANG. actually that is just a common reaction of panic on DDAY, I know, I did it too, and it was MONTHS AGO, not relevant really. I did not mention it, but someone keeps bringing it up. Who said FIL had cancer? Sorry has someone been to the hospital to check?I said he is dying. And thank you Spark for your input. MM never complained about her not looking after him. I said earlier this was 2012 Edited July 14, 2012 by delirious Link to post Share on other sites
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