Sleeping over at my ex's

[Nancy B]

Third night in a row and I'm packing an overnight bag to go stay at my ex's place.

 

Being here in our old apartment alone is painful and lonely. Scary at times.

 

I'm happy to see him, lay by him. (There has been no sex)

 

But a voice in my mind says all of this may end up hurting more. But for now I feel happy to distract my mind from the pain and ease pass more days in his company.

 

Does anyone have any experience with this?

[Sugarkane]

So are you actually sleeping together with your ex, in the same bed? You will delay the healing process if you do. You will end up hurting and they'll be sleeping with you while moving on and sleeping with others. Do you really want that?

[Renard99]

I appreciate that you are using this as a distraction, and that everyone is entitled to their own coping method, but what is it that you eventually hope to achieve by staying over?

 

Without wishing to sound too blunt, your relationship, for whatever reason, is over. Yet, you are pretending things are semi-normal. To me, that's like letting your car run out of gas but continuing to sit behind the wheel making your own engine noises and wiggling the steering wheel. It'll either send you crazy or at best make you appear crazy!

 

I know you say your apartment is now scary and lonely but I'm afraid that's something you have to face as part of the transition into single life. By continuing to distract yourself you are aren't defeating the pain, simply putting off the moment at which you face it until a latter date.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true

[CopingGal]

Sounds like you need a dog. Dogs can be a great comfort and most will usually distinguish between noises made by someone trying to enter your house and noises that houses just make for whatever reasons (ex: creaking, settling, noises that are really outside and not in your house etc.). Dogs usually do nothing when hearing these noises in nondangerous circumstances.

 

When I left my dog because I moved out of my parent's apt to get my own apt, GEEZ, I could not believe how many noises that places make. I was never bothered by noises because if something was wrong, my dog would bark. I got so used to that, I never realized how many noises apts. and houses just seem to make on their own.

[g450]

Third night in a row and I'm packing an overnight bag to go stay at my ex's place.

 

Being here in our old apartment alone is painful and lonely. Scary at times.

 

I'm happy to see him, lay by him. (There has been no sex)

 

But a voice in my mind says all of this may end up hurting more. But for now I feel happy to distract my mind from the pain and ease pass more days in his company.

 

Does anyone have any experience with this?

 

Good God Woman, why on earth would you do that? Are you playing games with him?

 

Best thing my XW did when she threw me to the curb was leave my house. Healing was impossible with her here and all it did was turn me into a pleading begging pathetic shell of a man. Once she left I redecorated MY house the way I always wanted it to be decorated.

 

Now where did I put that Elvis painting?

[Nancy B]

I'm not playing games with him. He dumped me.

 

When I am alone I am plagued with memories and regrets. We live abroad, so support from family is not an option.

 

I feel panicy and alone. I want him back, but realize this isn't going to happen.

 

I can't seem to relax and just move on. The only comfort I have is when I am with him. Even still.

 

We have been sharing a bed. He is coping really well with the break up. He gets annoyed when I become a crying mess. He says our break up is not the end of the world. But right now, to me, that is exactly how it feels.

 

The only comfort I get is laying at his side. It's so messed up. I never wanted to feel this weak.

[Renard99]

I agree with g450.

The best thing she did when she dumped me was leave the house. However, this was only after she'd spent 3 weeks organising her exit (i.e booking a van, arranging storage etc). For those 3 weeks I was a mess. Having her close by felt reassuring, yet at the same time I wasn't healing from the end of the relationship. That only began to happen after she left and I was no longer in her company.

 

I feel you need to do the same. Yes, the cold, dark, 'unknown' is scary compared to the warmth of having someone close to you but it's something that needs to be conquered to ruely recover. Things get worse before they get better but, as I'm sure many here will back me up on, it does get better.

 

You say your ex is coping well with the break up.... what happens when he gets to the point where he starts seeing someone else or simply feels content being on his own? How will you feel if he asks you to stop coming over?

 

You need to take control, stand tall and proud and do this for yourself. He was stupid enough to dump you so you deserve someone better!

[CopingGal]

I'm not playing games with him. He dumped me.

 

When I am alone I am plagued with memories and regrets. We live abroad, so support from family is not an option.

 

I feel panicy and alone. I want him back, but realize this isn't going to happen.

 

I can't seem to relax and just move on. The only comfort I have is when I am with him. Even still.

 

We have been sharing a bed. He is coping really well with the break up. He gets annoyed when I become a crying mess. He says our break up is not the end of the world. But right now, to me, that is exactly how it feels.

 

The only comfort I get is laying at his side. It's so messed up. I never wanted to feel this weak.

 

Okay, listen, you need to stop this...no matter how scared you are. Here are a few things to help you feel safer:

 

-Put some extra locks on your door

-Get a dog, like I said

-See a therapist. This is no good. This is a toxic situation for you, sleeping in the same bed with the man who dumped you? What happens when he starts dating again and brings his women over to the house? This is no good, darling. This is a very dysfunctional situation.

 

So you are weak? So what? We all get weak. We have to find our strength. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak X 150.

 

My mom stayed in a terrible, terrible marriage for 30 years because she could not be alone.

 

I also suggest reading some books on co-dependency, darling.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 13, 2012 by CopingGal

[g450]

I agree with g450.

The best thing she did when she dumped me was leave the house. However, this was only after she'd spent 3 weeks organising her exit (i.e booking a van, arranging storage etc). For those 3 weeks I was a mess. Having her close by felt reassuring, yet at the same time I wasn't healing from the end of the relationship. That only began to happen after she left and I was no longer in her company.

 

I feel you need to do the same. Yes, the cold, dark, 'unknown' is scary compared to the warmth of having someone close to you but it's something that needs to be conquered to ruely recover. Things get worse before they get better but, as I'm sure many here will back me up on, it does get better.

 

You say your ex is coping well with the break up.... what happens when he gets to the point where he starts seeing someone else or simply feels content being on his own? How will you feel if he asks you to stop coming over?

 

You need to take control, stand tall and proud and do this for yourself. He was stupid enough to dump you so you deserve someone better!

 

OMG this is exactly like it was with me as well. I remember she took her sweet time packing and going through the house and stacking crap up in the hallway. I even took a picture of it. I remember I took a day off on the day she moved out. I did help her but I had an alterior motive. I wanted to make sure she wasnt taking anything that we agreed upon prior.

 

Once she was gone my world changed. It was hard at first. The emptyness of my house mirrored the empty feeling in my heart. I could not stand to be there anymore. I went out if I could. My house was no longer a home, it was just a house. We raised our Son here and loved each other and now here I was looking at the walls and feeling them stare back at me.

 

After a while though I realized that this was still MY home! And I made it my home again. She had control over everything in it. Now she had no say so. My man cave was now a man castle. Even my brothers were a bit jealous of what I did with the place LOL. I started to feel like I was at home again. But it was a bit surreal at the time.

 

Sorry for the hijack OP. I can understand your situation. You cant leave yet. That's a tough spot to be in. But there is no excuse for sleeping with him. You are making the situation worse for yourself. Start detaching from him. Can family send you a plane ticket?

 

I agree with CG. Sounds like you are codependant. I know because I was for many years to my XW and didnt even know what the word meant.

Edited July 15, 2012 by g450

[Nancy B]

Thank you for all the responses.

 

While some of the things that have been said have been difficult to hear, I know ultimately they are true and can only serve to help me.

 

We went to a big music festival at another town over the weekend with some mutual friends (friends we met here in the foreign country). It was the first time many of these people knew we had broken up. I noticed a coldness in my boyfriend. While we have comfort alone these nights, he wants everyone to know our relationship is over.

 

It was hurtful when he was short with me or completely disinterested in anything I said. In fact, a drunk dude came over to our group and openly hit on me. I told him to go away and my boyfriend said 'Oh, you should've went for it.'

 

I think I am worth more than that. And I think this sleeping over arrangement only brought comfort while my boyfriend was still being nice. I guess he's pushing me away.

 

I go home for vacation in a few weeks. Hopefully the break will do me good.

 

I really do not want to be a person who cannot be alone. I am young enough to hopefully break this habit.