firefighter_711 Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 Hi, i have been with my girlfriend for almost 8 months now and yesterday she told me that she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. That she still loves me, but in not the same way. She asked for a brake from each other, so that she could really have time to think to herself and realize what she really needs to do. I still love her deeply and want to stay together, but she doesn't want to stay with me because she finds it to be unfair for me. She really wants to stay friends with me if we broke-up and keeps insisting on it. She even cries when i tell her that, if we ever broke-up that, i wouldn't want to see her or have her in my life again. I told her to call me when she's sure of what she really wants to do. She asked me not to give up on her in like a week, that she needed me to stay available and open, for the time it takes her to realize what's best. And she has this crazy idea that she never deserved me in the first place. But, i think that i have made a few mistakes in the past with her, that would have given her that impression. What do you guys think about this, should i keep hope?! Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 firefighter_711, Sometimes when you're deep into depression you tend to blame yourself for everything. Wrong thinking ! I don't believe someone can be fully blamed when it comes to relationships. For example, when your partner cheats on you then you can still take something like 10% of the blame for not staying physically fit, not being there when your partner needs you, not being physical enough with them etc... That's what you're doing when you say "But, i think that i have made a few mistakes in the past with her, that would have given her that impression." You're putting the blame on yourself. I'm trying to tell you to stop putting all the blame on yourself and start checking out the reality factor (see things for what they really are not what you want them to be). Your ex is obviously asking for a break because her feelings have changed (she said it herself). When you love someone you never tell them "I still love you but not in the same way". Perhaps when you're both 70 years old but surely not this early in the relationship !! I'm sorry if my words are not what you were expecting to hear. If you really love her then give her a week or two but do NOT tell her you are willing to do it, keep this decision for yourself. Don't tell her anything and do NOT talk to her or contact her in any way (phone, email, sms...) during those 1 or 2 weeks. I can tell you, from my own experience, that when a person says they need time to think to themselves and realize what they really need to do it usually means they found someone else to be interesting and worth a try. So this is their indirect way of telling you "kindly step aside for a moment while I go check that other interesting person. If it works out then you can kiss my a** bye bye. If it doesn't then I'll be back for you". Of course they cannot say it like that. It would hurt your pride and they might risk losing you. They don't want that ! They want to keep you hanging on as a potential prospect until they decide what is best for them. Don't fall for that trap. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 she needed me to stay available and open Oh wow. I can't believe she said that. I bet she won't be staying available. I hope you're intelligent enough to see this only means she's placing you in a back-up position. Not very classy. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Mr messed up Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 In my experience women are like monkeys when it comes to us men!!!! They never let go of one tree till they have a bloody good grip on the next one!! So if I was you I would pull my tree about 100yards away from the next one(withdraw all contact) and watch her fall flat on her face!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 lol Mr messed up. Nice analogy (no kidding I really liked it). I'll add it to the list of my favorite quotes (all rights reserved to you of course). Link to post Share on other sites
Mr messed up Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 Now just a bit more to help our buddy here. I really wish I woz in your shoes now with this sort of resource when I broke up with my gf 6 months ago. Sadly, I hadn't found you all back then, so I had to learn the hard way, For a start off, you can stop the blame game with yourself about making mistakes in the relationship. That's why you are here on earth, to make mistakes and learn from them, not get hung up by them. I think dreamguy has come to the same conclusion as me. This sounds like the classic "It's not you, it's me..." blaa blaa blaa - women trying not to hurt your feelings, while she pursues some bloke that has floated her boat for some reason or other. The way you act from here on out will make a real man of you if done right. Plus, it will make her have maximum respect for you, if not get her running back with tail between legs, as it were. Read everything on no contact you can, and put it into force right away. DO NOT NOT NOT give in and call, text or whatever in any shape or form. Also, try and make sure she does not even see you around. I think you may be surprised at the change in attitude from her before too long. Keep us posted mate! Link to post Share on other sites
breezy Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 My advice to you is to give her the space she needs. If that is what she thinks she needs to do. I never did understand that when people said that. Although, sometimes having space does work. I know I dated a man who said he needed space one time and we took like a week apart and when we saw one another again we connected in a great way, then 3 months later he broke up with me because he needed to "find himself". I think too many people run from there problems and when they get stressed out, confused or feel pressured.....they RUN!!! Do NOT contact her, how can you expect her to figure things out if your still calling and pushing? She is already feeling pressure. By you not contacting her, might make her realize "Hummm...why is HE not calling"? Honestly, woman like to play those type of games sometimes. But, so do men. I know its not hard. The hardes part is the NOT knowing what is really going on in her head and what she is really feeling. I always think there is more to it than what they really tell us, but they are too coward to say it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Mr messed up and breezy, the dilemma we are all faced with (I am faced with it right now) is the fear that when you stop contacting your ex it will make it easier for them to get over you. You think, they have to hear my voice or see me (if possible) every now and then so that the flame keeps burning. I know, some people will say that excessive or even reduced contact will make it easier for them to get over you as well (since they can slowly get out of the relationship like gradually stopping to smoke). Which is the worst according to you ? Prolonged no contact or reduced contact ? I still haven't come up with a final answer to that question. I'll start a new thread called "Which is better? No Contact or Reduced Contact?" about this topic under "Second Chances". Please reply there for everyone to be able to follow the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 She asked for a brake from each other, so that she could really have time to think to herself and realize what she really needs to do. Why do you want to be with someone who has to run away and hide somewhere just to THINK? What kind of relationship did you have with this girl that completely doused her ability to THINK? Were you a boyfriend or a talking, whining lap-dog sitll being potty trained. she BLATANTLY is too chicken to break up with you because you're way too in love with this broad for your own good. She even cries when i tell her that, if we ever broke-up that, i wouldn't want to see her or have her in my life again. She cries because she feels like a bitch and because she tried to break up with you, was too chicken, then you threatened to be totally pissed about it and exile her so she chicked out... scare tactics for getting her to stay with you. you're going to make life difficult for her if she leaves you. how assinine. She asked me not to give up on her in like a week, that she needed me to stay available and open, for the time it takes her to realize what's best. this is to give you false hope and also give you time to get used to the idea that she just dumped you before she actually has to do it. She apparently thinks it'll be less of a scene if you cool off a little bit before she throws in the ice block. And she has this crazy idea that she never deserved me in the first place.But, i think that i have made a few mistakes in the past with her, that would have given her that impression. Now HERE she is totally manipulating your feeble masculine mind with her twisted female antics. Of course once she lays on the guilt trip she can make you think whatever she wants. She owns you. She just put you on CALL like you're workin for her - and you are never gonna see much of a paycheck i bet you. Whether I'm right or wrong here's the deal: it's not up to her to decide whether she's going to continue the relationship, it is YOU. Why? Because if she continues the relationship, after having said what she said: she told me that she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. That she still loves me, but in not the same way. then she is continuing the relationship for some kinda messed up pity party let's see how much i can use this guy reason. and YOU are the one who has to decide how little you value yourself - how low can you go? will you pine for a relationship with someone who tells you point blank they don't love you romantically anymore or will you let her go in peace without causing a big scene where you banish her from ever coming near you again. I mean, come on, yo've been together for 8 months, I'm sure you've adapted your friendship circle. She doesn't want to just up and disappear. You're her FRIEND. Don't get all peevy over it, **** happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firefighter_711 Posted July 8, 2004 Author Share Posted July 8, 2004 hi, thanks to everyone who replied to my message, now i understand what 's best to do. i will give her her brake and i will not contact or see her for as long as it take, or until she put an end to this relationship once and for all. I will leave everything up to her, if she wants to call me then she will, if she want to see me then she can , she will have to make every move, every decision. i think that that's the best thing to do, i just hope she comes running back to me in the end and we could start over again. i just have to play the waiting game...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author firefighter_711 Posted July 12, 2004 Author Share Posted July 12, 2004 Hi, remember me, the guy that his girlfriend said she needed a brake and that she didn't feel the same way about me anymore???!!!! Well, guess what! While we were on brake, i made up a lie to one of her closest friends, saying that this pretty girl at the gym gave me her phone number and that i took it!!!! Knowing that this friend who surely go tell my ex-girlfriend what i just told her, i kept it cool and waited for it to happen. Well two days later, i talked to that same friend and asked her if she told my ex-girlfriend about the pretty girl at the gym. Well, what do u know, she got jealous....Ha ha ha !! I thought that she said she didn't care about me the same way, that she wanted to be friends...... Well, if i was just a friend, why would she have a reason to get so jealous????!! :confused She got upset in front of her friend and asked her a bunch of questions like, who it was, what was here name, was she pretty, if she knew her, if i called her back and where, when, at what time, i would be going out with this girl....She got so pissed, especially when her friend told her that she told me to go out with the girl, that it would make it much easier for me to get over my now ex-girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend then yelled at her and asked her why she was giving me advice, that she should just mind her own business and stay out of it!! Ha ha ha !! , it just keeps getting funnier. Now i guess i'm the one holding all of the cards, but what should i do now? Should i go see my ex-girlfriend and ask her if it is really over, tell her that i need to know and that i would be needing an answer as soon as possible, or should i stay away from her and wait for her to come see me?? I'm just afraid that me giving her the idea that i am going to see this other girl, who give her a jealous reason to go see other guys and it would all blow up in my face!!!!!!! please i need someone point of view, because i need to act fast so that i don't end up losing her completely and for good! I just want her back! thank you for everyone's time! bye Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 Don't go see you ex. Don't tell her about the girl you supposedly met at the gym. When you volunteer out information it usually loses its credibility. It's a good thing that you're ex's friend told her instead of you doing so. But still, you're playing with fire. If I was you I'd tell that same friend to STOP talking about the new girl to your ex. You just wanted to bring in some competition and you did. Leave it at that. Don't push it ! I say you should give it a few days, wait and see if your ex calls. If you call her now it would be too obvious that you sent her friend to make her jealous and you're following up on your plot ! Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 I agree. Dont contact her, dont do anything like that. If she calls YOU, maybe answer but tell her you are on your way out. Be like "have a great night, im on my way out! Ill call you back tomorrow night" and then DONT CALL HER. then see if she calls you.....shes the one who wanted this, not you so dont you go running to her, if she wants you then she will work for you Link to post Share on other sites
Author firefighter_711 Posted July 12, 2004 Author Share Posted July 12, 2004 hi, well it makes sense what you are trying to tell me and i will give it a few days, but what if she doesn't call me or whatever should i just give up on her and move on with my life? tell me what you think ....... because this is the first time that i ever found myself in this kind of situation. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 You don't know what will happen mate. Maybe she'll call in a few days. So don't start anticipating because it only stresses you out. Relax and go do something else meanwhile to keep yourself busy. You'll decide what to do later (in a few days) in case she doesn't call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firefighter_711 Posted July 12, 2004 Author Share Posted July 12, 2004 All-right, that sounds fair.... I'll give it a few days and hope for the best. Thanks you guys for all your help, it means a lot to me and if anyone else has something to add, that could be helpful, please do so, i'm looking forward to any suggestions. thanks again! Bye! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr messed up Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 Nice one ! the jealous trick seemed to have a positive affect but like dreamguy said dont push it!!!!!! If she contacts you and asks about her make out it is no big deal and that it is nothing serious YET!!!!!!!!! Dont contact her as I have said before or you will loose the power you just got back coz it shows you are still very interested, This break will have to run its course i'm afraid as she needs to come to the conclusion that she wants to be with you on her own and in her own time. Yes the new girl on the scene trick may speed things along for you but what is the point in her coming straight back only to have the same issues on her mind unanswered,which will only get you back to square one again when she walks yet again so keep playing it cool and lets see what happens!!! All the best ................ Link to post Share on other sites
Author firefighter_711 Posted July 12, 2004 Author Share Posted July 12, 2004 Your right, Mr messed up. About us being back to square one, if she came back to me. But i think that this brake was about her losing her attraction towards me, leaving her thinking that she didn't love me anymore, or else she would have broken up with me right there, instead of saying that we needed a brake. I was just depending a little too much on her, i spent more time with her then with my friends. And whenever she would ask me to come over, i would always show up, never told her that i wasn't able to be there or that i had something to do. Maybe, she just needed this time apart to have some time to herself again and to give me time to get my independence back, to go out more often with my friends and for her to have the time to miss me again. And now that she found out about this other girl, she figures that her time is running out and that she might actually lose me all together. Thats just my point of view on what went wrong, she gave me a few hints in the past, but why wasn't she clear about it in the first place. When she told me that she needed a brake, she said that she didn't love me the same way, but that she still loved me as a person and asked if i was going to hate her because of that. And insisted that we stay friends and that i give her time and that i stay available. Woman..... they expect you to always know exactly what the are thinking. please somebody try to give me some explanation on what is really going on! Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted July 12, 2004 Share Posted July 12, 2004 The explanation is very simple. You stopped being a challenge ! When a woman takes you for granted, when you cater to her every whim, when you apologize even when you're not wrong, when you show up at her door every day... you no longer remain a challenge. You no longer cause her to be attracted to you. When she asked you for a break she was hoping you would become the challenging man she once met. Don't let her down ! Do not always be available. Keep some mystery in your life. Make her work hard for it ! And most of all, even if you stay in touch with her, NEVER beg or plead and I mean NEVER EVER ! Always be confident and strong. This is the only way you can attract her to you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firefighter_711 Posted July 12, 2004 Author Share Posted July 12, 2004 Your right, thanks again! You and other's have been the best of help, i hope that one day i will get to repay some of my gratitude, with some of my help in your future relationship dilemmas. I'll surely keep you guys posted, on the outcome of mine. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Yep I would not call her everyday either. Let her initiate all the calls. Act busy. Just continue to play the waiting game Link to post Share on other sites
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