my first post

[worried2012]

Hi

I am new to this site, in fact never really felt for the need to look for advice before but feel really uneasy about my relationship with my boyfriend and could do with some help

We have been together for 18 months and we have a long distance relationship, he lives in belgium, I am uk based. I have been feeling less and less comfortable around him and we have just been together for 3 weeks and at times I felt really stressed and had painful stomach aches and back tension and generally very tense. He was annoyed by this saying i was miserable to be with and needed to change. He often criticises me and likes to call me names and tease me but this got worse with him often being confrontational and at times it felt like he wanted to physically fight, he called it horse play but I am covered in bruises. he bought me a brand new bicycle, I didnt ask for it and then got annoyed when i was a bit tense about riding on busy streets ( I havent cycled for many years). He was annoyed when I wanted to quit smoking and became very angry and said I was hard to be around, I stopped smoking as it wasnt helping with the stomach pains. He was moody with me wouldnt talk to me or hug me and next day said he had doubts about us. After talking he changed his mind about splitting up and wanted to have sex all day. I felt so confused. He was then really nice to me and cooking for me etc but I felt shaky and as I was a long way from home I just went along with everything. I know I sound really weak and dumb but I am really shocked by his behaviour and really upset as I thought we were deeply in love and happy. he tells me he loves me but I feel weird about him. Since I got back my stomach is fine but I now feel really depressed and know I should end things but dreading doing it. How did I not see what was going wrong? I am really doubting myself now

[Brit]

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASE save yourself now. He is not your friend, do not change your self in any manner to apppease him. He is poison, unless you wish to remain miserable, get out now. Do not tell him your plans, just MIA, with a note. Nice gu(utter trash)y.

[worried2012]

is his behaviour that disturbing? He has been calling me all day and I feel too depressed and stressed to talk to him. I cannot believe he has changed so much so fast. I am shocked. I feel so disappointed by this, but thanks for your succint advice, it really made me think

[Brit]

Yes, it is that bad. Re read what you wrote, if you watched this man treat a friend or a sister this way, how would you feel, and what would your advice be to them?

Relearning to ride a bike is difficult if you have not done so for quite awhile, and can be dangerous, especially if the breaks are sensitive, you could go flying....

He is critical of you, he is not your authority, he is supposed to be your lover, he should be embracing all your good qualities, and loving you.

I do not care if inbetween these episodes he is cuddling, what not.

You are better than this.

Behavoir like his does not get better with time, it gets worse.

I am unfortunately binded to an ass like this even after divorce, and he will out of the blue, go off on a tirade, and then the next time I unfortunately have to speak with him, he will just brush it off, that, oh something else may have had me in a foul mood that day. I still suffer through this over and over.

[spiderowl]

This seems to be how you are feeling:

 

"feel really uneasy about my relationship with my boyfriend"

"I have been feeling less and less comfortable around him"

"I felt really stressed and had painful stomach aches and back tension"

"I am covered in bruises"

"I felt so confused."

"I felt shaky."

"I am really shocked by his behaviour and really upset"

"know I should end things but dreading doing it"

 

This is how he was:

 

"He was annoyed by this saying i was miserable to be with and needed to change. He often criticises me and likes to call me names and tease me."

"him often being confrontational and at times it felt like he wanted to physically fight, he called it horse play but I am covered in bruises"

he "got annoyed when i was a bit tense about riding on busy streets"

"He was annoyed when I wanted to quit smoking and became very angry"

"He was moody with me wouldnt talk to me or hug me and next day said he had doubts about us."

 

The guy is a controlling bully who has no consideration at all for your feelings. You know you want to end it with him. I expect you are afraid of doing so as his manner has been threatening and indeed he has physically bruised you with supposed playfighting you didn't want. He has been bordering on blatantly attacking you by doing this. You correctly sensed that he was trying to provoke confrontation and that he may well let loose and hurt you if you stood up for yourself.

 

You do need to get out of this relationship. Fortunately he's a long way away. I think it might help if you tell someone close to you how this guy is behaving and tell them you are going to finish with him. It's up to you how you do this. If you do not feel comfortable talking to him, email him and don't answer the phone or respond in any other way. Make sure your family and close friends know the situation. I would not advise you to see him again or let him visit you. The guy sounds potentially very dangerous to me. This may be why you are feeling shaky - your body is telling you in very clear terms that it is scared. What a guy says and what he does can be two totally different things. Always pay attention to actions and behaviour not just what a guy says. He can say he loves you until he's blue in the face, but unless his behaviour demonstrates love and affection (not sexual aggression), he really isn't a good guy.

 

I've known other victims of an abusive relationship who've fallen into it like you - the guy starts out OK and then gradually the abusive behavior creeps in and she wonders if she's imagining it and feels confused. Then it gets worse and she's shocked and at that point leaves or tries to explain it until another time ... It's not your fault this has happened. He's starting to show his true colours and they look nasty. Please get out now and keep your distance.

Edited July 13, 2012 by spiderowl

[CopingGal]

Welcome to LoveShack.org, dear. Your stomach and other parts of your body are telling you that things between you and him are just not right.

 

I listened to my body when I was so upset over my bf's treatment of me that I got sick. I listened and I left that loser.

 

Listen to your body. This guy has a whole lot of problems. Among them is that he is aggressive, insensitive, an abuser, and a control freak.

 

Ease the tension on your body and stay away from him.

[worried2012]

Thank you so much for the help and advice. I really appreciate the kindness. I agree totally with all that has been said to me and it has hit home. I will end the relationship and be very careful to stay away from him for good. I realised today just how bad I have been feeling and how I have attempted to make excuses for his behaviour and ignore what my body has been telling me. I have been foolish and I know need to spend some time being good to me and staying away from any new relationships until I feel I am ready and believe me that will take time.

Again many thanks for all the help and support, I havent been able to tell close friends or family about this as I have felt so ashamed.....another feeling I am not proud about

I will email him then delete him out of my life, thank goodness he is a long way away, have no idea how much more scared I would be if he lived nearby.

[spiderowl]

I really wish you all the best. It's a distressing situation for you. It's never easy to split up with a boyfriend but I hope you will feel relieved at least and gradually recover. Good luck!

[worried2012]

Hi again

I have taken a few days to think before I sent him an email and in the meantime, with me ignoring him, he sent me a long and apologetic email. I wish he hadn't in a way as it made me feel very emotional but I have realised that in order for him to sedt the apology he must be fully aware of his bad behaviour and even though I was really tempted to give it one more go I have decided to carry out my plan of ending it. I now feel sorry for him, he is destined to ruin all his relationships. I know from the way he is with his other ex girlfriends that he doesnt just take no for an answer but he is going to have to accept this as I am determined not to be pulled into his horrible little world. I am now going to spend time thinking about what I want to do next with my life and deal with all the stress this relationship has subjected my body to. I am going to start exercising again, doing yoga and meditation and do positive things and really try not to be upset about how this relationship turned out. I cry a lot at the moment but I think that is a good thing and healing.

Again, big thanks for the help and support, it has meant a great deal to me.

One futher thing I want to mention is that he has no family members who keep in touch with him, even his mother ignores him, I used to feel really sorry for him because of this, I now wonder whether their reluctance to even reply to his emails is due to unpleasant behaviour he has subjected them to. There were signs and I didnt even see them. I was such a fool

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you are on the right track to healing. Remember to do nice things for yourself, treat yourself and so on, things that make you feel good.

 

You are a kind person and feel sorry for him because you know he is shooting himself in the foot all the time, but it sounds like you've realised staying around to 'help' him would be harmful to you and wouldn't help him anyway. I would bet he has a history of bad behaviour and if you tracked down people from his past they would tell you that (not that I'm suggesting you do).

 

Good luck, you seem a very astute woman. I'm sure you'll come out of this stronger and wiser.

[todreaminblue]

Hi

I am new to this site, in fact never really felt for the need to look for advice before but feel really uneasy about my relationship with my boyfriend and could do with some help

We have been together for 18 months and we have a long distance relationship, he lives in belgium, I am uk based. I have been feeling less and less comfortable around him and we have just been together for 3 weeks and at times I felt really stressed and had painful stomach aches and back tension and generally very tense. He was annoyed by this saying i was miserable to be with and needed to change. He often criticises me and likes to call me names and tease me but this got worse with him often being confrontational and at times it felt like he wanted to physically fight, he called it horse play but I am covered in bruises. he bought me a brand new bicycle, I didnt ask for it and then got annoyed when i was a bit tense about riding on busy streets ( I havent cycled for many years). He was annoyed when I wanted to quit smoking and became very angry and said I was hard to be around, I stopped smoking as it wasnt helping with the stomach pains. He was moody with me wouldnt talk to me or hug me and next day said he had doubts about us. After talking he changed his mind about splitting up and wanted to have sex all day. I felt so confused. He was then really nice to me and cooking for me etc but I felt shaky and as I was a long way from home I just went along with everything. I know I sound really weak and dumb but I am really shocked by his behaviour and really upset as I thought we were deeply in love and happy. he tells me he loves me but I feel weird about him. Since I got back my stomach is fine but I now feel really depressed and know I should end things but dreading doing it. How did I not see what was going wrong? I am really doubting myself now

 

 

You have been given some excellent advice by people here I hope that you take their advice....i agree this relationship is toxic for you take the advice offered you......you will regret not taking it...... and the longer you stay the more affected you will be.........hope that you come to realise that its time to go soon....and find a relationship with a guy that deserves to be in one with you....good luck....i am wishing you a pair of sneakers so you can run faster and further away....deb

[CopingGal]

Hi again

I have taken a few days to think before I sent him an email and in the meantime, with me ignoring him, he sent me a long and apologetic email. I wish he hadn't in a way as it made me feel very emotional but I have realised that in order for him to sedt the apology he must be fully aware of his bad behaviour and even though I was really tempted to give it one more go I have decided to carry out my plan of ending it. I now feel sorry for him, he is destined to ruin all his relationships. I know from the way he is with his other ex girlfriends that he doesnt just take no for an answer but he is going to have to accept this as I am determined not to be pulled into his horrible little world. I am now going to spend time thinking about what I want to do next with my life and deal with all the stress this relationship has subjected my body to. I am going to start exercising again, doing yoga and meditation and do positive things and really try not to be upset about how this relationship turned out. I cry a lot at the moment but I think that is a good thing and healing.

Again, big thanks for the help and support, it has meant a great deal to me.

One futher thing I want to mention is that he has no family members who keep in touch with him, even his mother ignores him, I used to feel really sorry for him because of this, I now wonder whether their reluctance to even reply to his emails is due to unpleasant behaviour he has subjected them to. There were signs and I didnt even see them. I was such a fool

 

HI. My ex used to tell me about how badly his exes treated them when they were seeing him. I felt so bad and wondered how could these women be so mean to him. Well, I found out how. If he was telling the truth about these women, I could see why they were so mean to him. One implied after the break up that she could have him killed. I thought that was shocking. Then I got a huge dose of his abuse and I understood why she was so mad at him. My ex had no contact with his father. He abandoned him when he got sick and could no longer recognize my ex. My ex abandoned his mother, his sister, all of his brothers, and of course, me. He smothered his son his attention, but then used his son in lies to cheat on me.

[turnera]

is his behaviour that disturbing? He has been calling me all day and I feel too depressed and stressed to talk to him. I cannot believe he has changed so much so fast. I am shocked. I feel so disappointed by this, but thanks for your succint advice, it really made me think

Yes, it IS that disturbing. Know that abusers will put on an amazing front to 'hook' you in, and then they start destroying your confidence and your belief in yourself, one little 'give in' at a time. Oh, he's just unhappy today; I'll not say that he hurt my feelings. (give in) Oh, I guess he's right, I DID laugh too loudly; better stop that. (give in) Oh, it must really be that I'm too clingy; after all, it's just a strip joint. (give in)

 

Get the book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men (Bancroft) to see what's going on.

 

Leave him. If he's decent, he will see what you are saying and change. If he won't, then you will find someone better.

[worried2012]

Have been feeling very stressed and depressed the past few days so going to go and see my doctor, this problem has hit me harder than I expected and i need to look after myself and get better. Every time I think about him i feel panicky and depressed and so so dumb

[turnera]

Have been feeling very stressed and depressed the past few days so going to go and see my doctor, this problem has hit me harder than I expected and i need to look after myself and get better. Every time I think about him i feel panicky and depressed and so so dumb

Don't feel dumb. You're no different than the other millions of women who have dated or married abusers after falling for their fake personas. I hope you will find that book I recommended and read it. It will make you feel MUCH better. It tells how getting you, and then denigrating you, is all part of a plan that abusers do - without even knowing they are doing it - it's just what feels good to them. Also know that, once you leave for good, you may become his 'project.' They hate to lose and you are just a possession to them, so they can become pretty stubborn about 'winning.' Let everyone you know know that you have left him, so they can help you.

 

My DD21 dated an abuser one summer for a month and broke up with him. That next fall at school, he tried to act like they were still dating! She told him to leave her alone, and he literally spent the next 9 months trying to win over all her friends, convince them to dump her, making her life hell. And they only dated a month!