Wife found out about me....

July 16, 2012

Strawberryjetta, surprisingly, while I obviously do not approve of many actions that you've taken during this affair, I do believe you still have hope.

You said you have no one in your family that you are able to talk to, or who is able to help you. For that I am sorry, but I think we both know that getting yourself involved in an affair or staying in a marriage that is not at all functional for you or him is not the way towards bettering yourself either. Though it may seem (and admittedly is) extremely hard to be alone during such hard times, you have to realize that being alone is so much better than being in an even unhealthier situation. Alone does not always have to mean lonesome.

What does surprise me about this is that, like another person said, you said you wouldn't get involved if he had kids... yet you do have kids. That really stood out to me, and I have to wonder, how would your kids react to hearing something like that? That their childhood is practically 'fair game', while another man's kids aren't. I'll tell it to you straight, though: in terms of your kids alone, you are being extremely and undeniably selfish. What saddens me is that you come from an abusive and unhealthy family, with both your mother and father obviously not having been the parents that you deserved to have. If not for yourself, your affair partner, or anyone else -- please, for the kids' sake, wake up from this fog that this affair has clouded your head with. Wake up to the fact that by continuing this affair, you are betraying the trust of your kids. If doesn't matter how quiet or secretive you both are about what's going on, if you decide to keep seeing this man in the manner that you are now, you will be continuing the cycle of unhealthy relationships in your family and your kids will not get the good parenting they need. I'm not trying to judge you too harshly either. I know parents are only human too, and no, they're not perfect... but that also doesn't mean it grants you the right to selfishness with no regard to the consequences it has on your kids. You made that promise when your kids were born in the first place.

The hard part is that I feel you are a genuinely good person, but you are not giving yourself the full chance that you deserve. The potential is there for you to be a great single mother and a great person, and your heart is in the right place deep down, but you're doing a disservice to yourself by participating in an affair, by brushing off (not settling) your broken marriage, and involving yourself in another broken adult's marriage problems.

The truth is, you can't help fix somebody else's life/marriage when you yourself have not fixed your own. Strawberryjetta, truly, I know it's hard. But the bottom line is you need to focus on your marriage -- or what's left of it -- even if that means just focusing on the kids and making sure they have as much of a good life as possible. Focus on them, and you. Work hard and try to be the best person you can be. Do this so you can at least have the pleasure and security of telling them (your children) that although you've had a difficult life sometimes, with learning disabilities and financial problems, you were able to find the strength to pull it together and be a good example.

It doesn't matter if this man says he 'loves you' and that you're special. He may be telling the truth, but his wife is ill and he is cheating on her. Period. How would you feel if the person you loved for so long did that to you in your biggest time of need? The time where your partner should be helping to keep you strong and make you feel loved, not like a second-fiddle concern and betrayed. You may love him, but he's also taking part in an affair as well, so right now you cannot trust him. Despite all this, you must start taking responsibility for yourself and stop depending on other people to do so, Strawberryjetta. Be an adult. You've learned in the past that too much can go wrong when you put your all into someone else's hands, so wake up and start earning the credit you deserve. You still have the potential to come out on the brighter side of this, you just have to make that decision.

Edited July 16, 2012 by Thieves

July 16, 2012

this is wrong on so many levels, i don't know where to begin.

OP, you sound like a "kept" woman.

this has cuckold written all over it.

July 18, 2012

WoW OP ... just wow.

Please read my entire post before exploding, like Thieves i also believe there is hope.

The MM is scum, utter scum, serial cheater, cheating on an ill wife, giving you the money that maybe could help her.

But you are worse.

You say you would never have done this with a MM who had kids, because you didn't want to mess their lives ... yet you don't mention your kids untill half-way through the thread. There is no emotion for them that i can see.

You were worried about the MM's potential children, but you mentioned nothing about your own ... how does that look ?

That couselor is utter scum. After you wrote what she said, and you mentioned her gender and the fact that 'she has a PHD', as proof that what she said is right i nearly puked.

This thread is at 2 pages, and already ppl have noticed that you are passive, that your H is not that big of a monster, that there is no D because he is protecting you and the kids, they have understood because they are real ppl who have lived through life's **** and what it takes. It's good that your husband has stopped paying for counseling.

If you had followed her advice you would be in bigger trouble.

Think of all the money you payed her ... add it up and understand that these 2 pages where you have been ripped on has done you more good than that woman ever will.

I said above that the couselor is scum, do you know why ?

Because there is no difference between her and your MM, they are both preying on a carcass of a marriage, neither of them are in this for your own good.

Lawyers, doctors, mental health specialist, these are all ppl that need to put the personal being of the patient above all else, and she didn't.

In this thread 2 women who were also abused posted and basically told you to 'grow a pair', that's because the entire thread the vibe coming from you has been 'someone has to solve my problem' and someone did.

First your H, than your MM, to help the transition from the former to the latter you demonized the former.

It seems that you have always wanted for someone to fix your problems [how i can relate to this ... ].

Counselors, therapists ... they are all buddies with a toll booth.

If you really want the problem to get fixed with today's self-help literature, you can do it yourself, or find alternatives, you don't need to find a 'buddy' that needs a check every hr.

And even if you do decide to go with therapy, ppl usually change therapists because you can't always find the right one.

I hope you stick around on these forums, because there is some change from your original OP and you need some tough love instead of enabling crap.

Oh, and btw ... i hope you realise that if it weren't for your kids, your H would have kicked you out a long time ago and moved on, in a way ... they validate your existance.

Don't you think it's about time you started being more independent ?

PS: From what yr is your Jetta ?

July 18, 2012

You are right. There are some parts that I just haven't taken charge of. My husband knows about the other man, he has known about it from the start. There is nothing left in my marriage, it died a long time ago. My kids are small, so paying for after care/school will pretty much negate working. I did in the past clean houses on the side when I found out that there was no money to pay for things. I did that for about a year, and I felt like crap about myself, but I was happy that I could give my kids a good Christmas that year. Next month I am working as an art assistant so my kids can go to summer camp. It's not that I am not doing. Working and going to school is hard for me because I do have learning disabilities that stem from my childhood, so I always have to put extra effort into things. I am trying. I know once I finish school in a year, life will be better. I would have finished school earlier but my husband wanted to start a family immediately and I got very sick throughout the pregnancies and had to have home health care and consistent IVs and pumps to get through them. So I put my life on hold. I guess that is why we haven't moved to full divorce because he knows that I put my life on hold for his wants at that moment and knows if I go out on my own without my degree, I will be hurting the family because you get more money when you have a degree and I might not be able to go back and finish. So he is trying to set a better example.

So cleaning houses to earn money for your family made you feel like crap about yourself but cheating and taking money from a married man with an ill wife makes you feel just fine and dandy? I really think you need to reassess the way you look at the world. I cleaned houses for about 6 years when my kids were small and I needed to support us. Should I be ashamed of myself for that? Would I be a better person now if instead I had just laid in bed with some married dude and taken his family money? Now you say you only had kids because your husband told you to. Stop blaming your own choices on the rest of the world and take ownership of your own life. There is no pride in being helpless and dependant on others, and turning your life into a mess and then blaming it on everyone else won't get you far either.

I don't care about the degrees your therapist has. That means nothing. Therapy and counselling are careers that actually attract a lot of nutjobs. I went to an expensive psychologist for about six months and she was in worse shape than I was. I swear she was taking more drugs than me. I gave up on her after a while because she seemed to be lost in her own little world. A year later I met a Social worker who specialized in helping young poor single mothers and she was fantastic!! She didn't have the degrees and education that my very expensive psychologist had but she was ten times better at helping people.

July 19, 2012

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]You are one piece of work girl!!! [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]And that is not a compliment! I came on here as I’m married struggling with my husband’s ‘friend’ and I came on here to see the ‘other side’ [/FONT][/sIZE]