Possible cheating & double standards

[Roseanna]

Sorry for length!

 

Background-

I'm in a really long distance relationship, we live in different countries and haven't even met yet. We met online a few months ago and fell for each other pretty quick. He's very loving and has never given me a reason not to trust him. He's honest about his past, all the women he's been with (too many IMO), and that he's cheated before when he was young and stupid etc. He told me about his commitment issues and fear of "settling" and said I'm the only woman he's wanted to marry and all that stuff. We're meeting in a couple months and claims he's going to propose then - I guess I'll find out if that's true when we meet.

 

Before I fell for him, I googled him just to check he was who he said he was, I think anyone does that. There was nothing that surprised me. I noticed he was on some Facebook type website where you meet up with people or whatever and his posts about wanting to meet new people and buy them dinner, which seems like obviously trying to get with women to me! Why would he want to buy a random guy dinner?? Apart from that though it was fine and never went on it again.

 

Yesterday I found out how many women he'd been with, about 30, and it shocked me because, being a virgin, it seemed like a lot. I'm only 20 and he's 5 years older. I was reminded of that website and I decided to go on it, it wasn't that I didn't trust him but he admitted himself to "loving women" when we met and that's why his previous relationships didn't work. To my suprise, a few days ago he posted again that he wanted to "meet new people" and go to the cinema and get dinner and he would pay for it and gave his phone number. Now that seems to me like he was trying to meet up with women. There is nothing else suspicious on his page but that seems so dodgy to me and it really hurt me.

 

I decided to play some games with him, he knows I hardly socialise or go out so I told him I was off to a party of a friend's tomorrow to meet new people to get his reaction. He's very jealous/possessive and got really angry. I said he's always out meeting people, why can't I? And he told me he only meets new people through friends or work. So that was a lie. He told me didn't actively seek out strangers or women. Another lie, right? He also told me he has hardly any female friends, but all the ones on his page were women, although that is online, not reality.

 

Maybe he is just wanting to make friends or maybe it's something more but I just don't know. Should I tell him I saw the website, know he's lying to me and ask him what the hell he's doing? If not, what else should I do?? I'm at a loss. He is really really angry at me going out to meet people and says you "don't do that without your significant other" which is totaly double standards considering what I found. I feel like saying "Don't worry, I'm not going to the party, instead I'm meeting up with someone online to buy them dinner and see a movie..."

 

Any help would be so great, thanks for reading this long boring post!

[wow04]

Okay first of all why are you in a relationship with someone in another country that you have never met? You only know what he has told you. How do you know he has been honest about anything?

[Roseanna]

I talk to him on Skype video chat often and I've seen friends of his on there etc, I know he's not lying about his life or anything.

[Radu]

Sorry for length!

 

Background-

I'm in a really long distance relationship, we live in different countries and haven't even met yet. We met online a few months ago and fell for each other pretty quick. He's very loving and has never given me a reason not to trust him. He's honest about his past, all the women he's been with (too many IMO), and that he's cheated before when he was young and stupid etc. He told me about his commitment issues and fear of "settling" and said I'm the only woman he's wanted to marry and all that stuff. We're meeting in a couple months and claims he's going to propose then - I guess I'll find out if that's true when we meet.

 

Before I fell for him, I googled him just to check he was who he said he was, I think anyone does that. There was nothing that surprised me. I noticed he was on some Facebook type website where you meet up with people or whatever and his posts about wanting to meet new people and buy them dinner, which seems like obviously trying to get with women to me! Why would he want to buy a random guy dinner?? Apart from that though it was fine and never went on it again.

 

Yesterday I found out how many women he'd been with, about 30, and it shocked me because, being a virgin, it seemed like a lot. I'm only 20 and he's 5 years older. I was reminded of that website and I decided to go on it, it wasn't that I didn't trust him but he admitted himself to "loving women" when we met and that's why his previous relationships didn't work. To my suprise, a few days ago he posted again that he wanted to "meet new people" and go to the cinema and get dinner and he would pay for it and gave his phone number. Now that seems to me like he was trying to meet up with women. There is nothing else suspicious on his page but that seems so dodgy to me and it really hurt me.

 

I decided to play some games with him, he knows I hardly socialise or go out so I told him I was off to a party of a friend's tomorrow to meet new people to get his reaction. He's very jealous/possessive and got really angry. I said he's always out meeting people, why can't I? And he told me he only meets new people through friends or work. So that was a lie. He told me didn't actively seek out strangers or women. Another lie, right? He also told me he has hardly any female friends, but all the ones on his page were women, although that is online, not reality.

 

Maybe he is just wanting to make friends or maybe it's something more but I just don't know. Should I tell him I saw the website, know he's lying to me and ask him what the hell he's doing? If not, what else should I do?? I'm at a loss. He is really really angry at me going out to meet people and says you "don't do that without your significant other" which is totaly double standards considering what I found. I feel like saying "Don't worry, I'm not going to the party, instead I'm meeting up with someone online to buy them dinner and see a movie..."

 

Any help would be so great, thanks for reading this long boring post!

 

 

What countries are you two from ?

[Roseanna]

He's American. I'm English.

 

He found out what I was hinting toward and deleted the posts from his page. I basically broke up with him because that just proved he was trying to hide it from me. He says he wrote it one night when he was drunk and nothing ever came of it and never would. Just the fact he wrote that with the intention to cheat is enough for me.

 

I love him so much and I have no idea of what to do. I know people say 'you've never met, how can you love him' but a connection is a connection regardless of distance. I already keep changing my mind about staying with him or leaving him and it's been mere hours.

 

Am I over reacting or is it justified? I'm in a haze of anger and hurt, I need an outsiders view. Is what he did as bad as I think it is?

[It's Just Me]

You have every right to be angry, if this is what's going on.

 

A connection is a connection, but it doesn't mean it's love, nor does it mean that it has to last forever. Online stuff is artificial and ultimately meaningless, until you actually meet in person and spend time with that person and have arguments about who has to wash the dishes after dinner. It's too easy to fall into the fantasy trap about what could be. You need to actually experience real life with someone before deciding about things like love and long-term relationships, not to mention commitment.

 

Listen to your instincts, and read up on the difference between love and infatuation. And stick to local, real, in-the-flesh guys next time.

[venusianx13]

You sound really hurt, and you have every right to be. You two may really like each other, but it sounds like you're more in love with "what could be." Just be really careful and don't let your expectations go sky-high. Truthfully, he sounds like a player, and it's not surprising - he's only 25. If you don't have much experience with men, I'll tell you, a LOT of them behave that way. (not all, but a lot). You're so young... don't put all your eggs in one basket. I'm nearly 30, and that's a big mistake I made for well over 10 years of my life.

[Radu]

He's American. I'm English.

 

He found out what I was hinting toward and deleted the posts from his page. I basically broke up with him because that just proved he was trying to hide it from me. He says he wrote it one night when he was drunk and nothing ever came of it and never would. Just the fact he wrote that with the intention to cheat is enough for me.

 

I love him so much and I have no idea of what to do. I know people say 'you've never met, how can you love him' but a connection is a connection regardless of distance. I already keep changing my mind about staying with him or leaving him and it's been mere hours.

 

Am I over reacting or is it justified? I'm in a haze of anger and hurt, I need an outsiders view. Is what he did as bad as I think it is?

 

I thought he might have been using you for citizenship.

Well, you had your answer.

 

The reason his presence in your mind is this strong is because you never met.

Because you never met, you idealised him in your mind, made him out to be fantastic and added every possible 'good thing' to this package.

 

I suggest you start adding bad things, by remembering what he wrote, what he answered you, and inventing some ugly stuff about him [he has AIDS/HERPES/genital growths/he screws ugly old prostitutes/ etc ... ].

[YellowShark]

..we live in different countries and haven't even met yet.

 

Never met.

 

..We met online a few months ago.

 

Only known each other a few weeks.. from chatting online.

 

..He told me about his commitment issues and fear of "settling.."

 

He warned ya. Don't say he didn't.

 

..and said I'm the only woman he's wanted to marry and all that stuff. We're meeting in a couple months and claims he's going to propose then - I guess I'll find out if that's true when we meet.

 

So lemme get this straight. A guy you haven't met, and only have known from chatting online for a few weeks says he has commitment issues but is going to propose to you because you're the "one." Is that correct? ugh.

 

..He's very jealous/possessive and got really angry.

 

Oh how wonderful. You've only known him a few weeks and he already a controlling rage monster. You sure picked a winner Roseanna!

 

Here's what you should do. BLOW HIM OFF NOW. This is such a wank and a dead end. Erase this loser, block him on Stupidbook, and save yourself a ton of drama and grief.

[ladyabstrused]

I don't even know where to begin. I was in your situation and it went on for almost 5 years. Met once in real life and LDRs are difficult to maintain if there is no proper trust and work on both sides.

 

I don't think I need to get into specific details as other posters have pointed out some of them, but the fact that he's not being honest with you, is pretty controlling and doesn't trust you and now I'm sure you don't trust him too, are already waving red flags.

[Roseanna]

Never met.

 

 

 

Only known each other a few weeks.. from chatting online.

 

 

 

He warned ya. Don't say he didn't.

 

 

 

So lemme get this straight. A guy you haven't met, and only have known from chatting online for a few weeks says he has commitment issues but is going to propose to you because you're the "one." Is that correct? ugh.

 

 

 

Oh how wonderful. You've only known him a few weeks and he already a controlling rage monster. You sure picked a winner Roseanna!

 

Here's what you should do. BLOW HIM OFF NOW. This is such a wank and a dead end. Erase this loser, block him on Stupidbook, and save yourself a ton of drama and grief.

 

I know I sound like an idiot, I am admitting that. It's one of those situations where if you had told me this would have happened a few months ago I'd think you were mental. I guess it's just one of those things you're cynical about until it happens to you.

 

I wouldn't have believed a word he said if I hadn't spoken to him all day every day, video chatted with him, seen and talked to friends of his and his son on Skype. He's told his parents and everyone about me going to live with him for a couple months in a few weeks and I don't understand why he would say he was going to propose when we meet if he was lying. Obviously it wouldn't take me long to find out if he was or not.

 

I know the online situation sounds ridiculous - but if meeting and falling for someone through the internet was so ridiculous then online dating wouldn't be as popular as it is. And we'd have met sooner if it wasn't for his job. I just want to take the whole online unrealistic sounding relationship element out of the question and for people to look at it like it's a proper relationship and what I should do...

[YellowShark]

I know I sound like an idiot, I am admitting that. It's one of those situations where if you had told me this would have happened a few months ago I'd think you were mental. I guess it's just one of those things you're cynical about until it happens to you.

 

I absolutely agree, I don't know the guy. But from what you say he has shown some real red flags already that you need to be aware of. If you meet this dude I think you'll be dropping yourself into a serious emotional blender. And you don't need "this" that bad. Really.

 

..all the women he's been with (too many IMO), and that he's cheated before when he was young and stupid etc... his commitment issues and fear of "settling".. said I'm the only woman he's wanted to marry and all that stuff... He's very jealous/possessive and got really angry... He is really really angry at me going out to meet people and says you "don't do that without your significant other"..

 

Check out this laundry list. He's been with a lot of women and it creeps you out, he's cheated before, he admits to commitment issues, he's very jealous and possessive, you think he may be hooking up with other women online, he has a temper and gets really angry, he doesn't want you to go out and meet new people. Jeeeze. And you've never met Roseanna! And have only known him a couple months! Yikes! Hit the brakes girl.

 

First of all you are not the only woman he's wanted to marry and "all that stuff." He doesn't even know you. Second he's basically told you he's had a lot of women - obviously they don't stick around for a reason right? He has also admitted that he has cheated plus that he has commitment issues. His words right? And finally he has become very angry with you already. Huh? This is how he treats the "only woman he has ever wanted to marry?"

 

So before you go meet Prince Charming Roseanna, think about all this. As an outsider I think you are making a big mistake here.

[It's Just Me]

I just want to take the whole online unrealistic sounding relationship element out of the question and for people to look at it like it's a proper relationship and what I should do...

 

My answer is still HELL NO.

[SoleMate]

I'm in a really long distance relationship, we live in different countries and haven't even met yet. We met online a few months ago and fell for each other pretty quick. He's very loving and has never given me a reason not to trust him. [other than long laundry list of red flags]

 

It is obvious he is a player, seemingly a very successful one by his own claims, and he is looking for more people to play with or just to play. You can be one of them if you want. But please don't waste another millisecond of your fantasy time on thinking of a serious and/or lasting and/or 1:1 and/or faithful relationship with him, because it is clear that will NEVER happen.

 

He's American, I am English.

You know, there are over 100 million adult women in the United States. An American seriously looking for a relationship would do well to start in his own country. Same for an Englishwoman. I understand that the Internet r/s are easier to come by, but that is just because they are so much less meaningful. OTOH, if you just want someone to exchange pointless banter and cam shots with, he may well be ideal.

 

Editing.....

I just saw that you are an inexperienced virgin and he has become angry and jealous. Time to dump him. Look for real people you can meet IRL. My 2c.

[DonDuck]

I talk to him on Skype video chat often and I've seen friends of his on there etc, I know he's not lying about his life or anything.

 

You got me lauging. Is there anything's he not lying about?

[aawebdev]

i believe it is very hard to maintain long distance relationships specially from a different country.all the best

[iambookworm]

First off, if you didn't have suspicions, you wouldn't have googled him or searched for his profile online.

 

Second, you haven't met him and you already have serious issues. Meeting him won't make this work, it will only intensify the problems.

 

I recommend breaking it off and looking for someone else. I bet you, once you break it off, he will have that profile back up in flash.

[Roseanna]

It's such a confusing situation. I appreciate all the replies. I know it seems simply that I should just chuck him and never talk to him again. He's apologised more times than I bear to count and keeps calling it a mistake. I'm not going to bother making up any excuses for him in that regard - he hasn't made up any excuses apart from it being a drunken mistake.

 

It's just so confusing. I know he sounds like a player but if he was I don't understand why he's wasting his time with me? We "met" when he was in Afghanistan and he's only recently gone back to America which is why we haven't met sooner. He could have any woman he wanted, and knowing him he really could very easily lol, so why is he wasting time with a woman who lives in another country? We made plans months ago that around August or so that I'm to go over and live with him for 2 months to see how things go. I don't know whether to still go or not.

 

It's just everything he told me and I saw seemed so genuine until this thing happened. I don't know whether to believe it was just a one off "mistake" (ugh) or he's a complete liar. I mean when he was back in Afghanistan we were Skyping and his friend walked past and he "introduced" her to me and she said she'd "heard loads about me" (they worked together every day.) Maybe that's just an expression I'm looking into too much.

 

He always goes out his way to Skype with me and introduced me to his son only about a week ago while they were out eating (he was living with his Grandma and didn't have internet so would go out to Skype with me) His son is 6 so again, maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing but it seems weird to introduce someone to your son who you have no intentional long term plans with.

 

I know his anger and jealousy issues are annoying, I've told him about him and he's "trying" to work on them and he has, believe it not, improved since we met, lol. I know I shouldn't have snooped on him in the first place but everything I read or saw was what he told me so I had no reason to mistrust him.

 

Should I still go to live with him for two months in a month or so? I mean unless he's a serial killer it can't hurt. Maybe I should to know where I stand. He's adamant about proposing when we do meet so I mean at least then I'll know if he was lying or not. Maybe we won't even get along in person and it'll just end anyway...

[ladyabstrused]

Should I still go to live with him for two months in a month or so? I mean unless he's a serial killer it can't hurt. Maybe I should to know where I stand. He's adamant about proposing when we do meet so I mean at least then I'll know if he was lying or not. Maybe we won't even get along in person and it'll just end anyway...

 

Well, go ahead. Find out and learn from the experience, whichever way it takes you. That's the only way to really know, I guess. But be prepared for the good.. and the bad. I wish you luck.

 

Oh and before you go live with him, make sure you've got others who know where you are and how to contact you in case of any emergencies. Best to have your own known company go there with you for a few days at least.. that is if you can.