What does it mean when a guy suddenly stops caring and breaks up with you?

[claramente512]

My fiance and I were together for almost 2 years. He says he still loves me, that I am perfect, but that he is not happy with the relationship anymore. He wishes for me to find someone that will correspond to me with the same affection but I tell him that he's the one I want and that I want to be there for him in this moment. I just don't think it's right that he suddenly stopped caring. It hurts because that's the same thing he has done with his exes. He just stops caring and stops trying. I was the most important person in the World to him. Right now we stand at I'm giving him his space to figure out within himself why it is he stopped caring. I just don't think that's right. In return, I promise to stay friends with him as he wishes. I just don't want him to be a person that all of a sudden doesn't care. How will he ever be happy with anyone else?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, I'm sorry that you have been through the pain of being engaged to a guy who would do this, and it's not right at all … but there is probably not much to figure out. This is just the kind of person he is. Not a good type to be in a relationship with and especially not to marry, so in a way, you are fortunate. I'm sure you're not feeling that way now.

 

I hope you are not being a doormat. The tone of your post kind of sounds like you might be. He's walked away from you. Please let him go. When you heal, you will wait for a man who will be able to give you real love.

 

Take care.

[Pod81]

Could be either one of 3 things 1)There's someone else in the picture 2) He's the commitment phobic type who gets cold feet when things start getting really serious. 3) You have done something or have some flaw that made him question the relationship.

 

If it's either of the first two reasons, he doesn't sound very emotionally grounded and stable. Give him space to figure his own crap out, but don't wait indefinitely for him either. As for the third possible reason, is there anything that you may have done in the relationship that could have caused him to be distant and hesitant?

[CopingGal]

Some people are not capable in being in long term commitments and will suddenly want something new. My ex was like that.

[Samilia]

The "all of the sudden" makes me think about another woman. But again, it could be that he was unhappy and you hadn't picked up on it. I disagree that it automatically has to be your fault, it's easy to blame someone else to justify our decisions.

 

As for being friends, I don't see it happening now.

[rayne05us]

Well it sounds like a pattern he does because of some unresolved issues he has and is not willing to deal with from his past. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do in this situation, until he is ready to face it. I've been through that before too, and I thought I was the one who would make them change, but it was never about me. I hate to say this, because I know how much he means to you, but please realize this is NOT your fault.

[Stanza]

I'm sorry for how much you are hurting right now.

 

The fact he keeps doing this suggests he's incapable of reaching a higher relationship level in terms of emotion and next steps. There's different theories on the stages of a relationship but if you google some you'll see that he's just not getting past certain ones if he can't fully commit. It sounds like the engagement was also not really within a very committed phase on his side.

 

You will find someone better. Absolutely. Whereas if he's going to reach the next level...and start trying? Time will tell.

[KatZee]

Could be either one of 3 things 1)There's someone else in the picture 2) He's the commitment phobic type who gets cold feet when things start getting really serious. 3) You have done something or have some flaw that made him question the relationship.

 

If it's either of the first two reasons, he doesn't sound very emotionally grounded and stable. Give him space to figure his own crap out, but don't wait indefinitely for him either. As for the third possible reason, is there anything that you may have done in the relationship that could have caused him to be distant and hesitant?

 

Agreed. My ex pulled the same thing your ex is pulling. "I love you" "There's nothing wrong with you" "It's all me" "I'm not happy in the relationship but I still love you" "I need to be alone to figure it out." "I still want to be friends."

 

I think you're making a mistake with the "I agreed to be his friend" thing. Believe me, you DON'T want to be his friend, and I know you're only saying that because you think if you remain in his life he'll see what he's missing and come back. I have to be brutally honest with you here---HE WON'T. Remaining friends with you will only ease his guilt for hurting you. He'll be able to pull away at his own pace, and eventually just wean himself off of you entirely. There is absolutely no benefit for you in being his friend.

 

In my exes case, I believe it was a combination of all 3 factors listed above. And I believe that's the case because he treated his ex before ME the exact same way, and you need to really open your eyes and be aware that your ex treated HIS exes this exact same way as well. This is who he is. Things get tough, and he runs. He doesn't work through problems, he just pulls back and looks to start over with someone else.

 

Please don't make the mistake of remaining his friend, remaining in his life, and waiting on him. You'll only hold back your own life and you'll look back months, years down the line and want to kick yourself for wasting so much time on someone who couldn't even be bothered to put effort into the relationship.

 

It's rough. It sucks. I know, because I was there and I went through it. But the longer I stayed in NC the more my eyes opened as to what kind of person he really was, and I realized I was sad about what I THOUGHT I had had.

 

He wants his space to "figure himself out" so give him all of the space in the world. NC.

[KatZee]

In return, I promise to stay friends with him as he wishes. I just don't want him to be a person that all of a sudden doesn't care. How will he ever be happy with anyone else?

 

You owe him nothing. He ends it with you and he's the one calling the shots and still reaping benefits of having you in his life?

 

Wrong.

 

It also doesn't matter who YOU want him to be as a person. You can't fix him. You can't help him. You can't change him. So don't even waste your time trying.

 

He probably will never be fully happy with anyone else. But he wasn't fully happy with you, he wasn't fully happy with his exes. This is his problem and his character flaw. Until HE'S willing to acknowledge this and change this, worrying about it will be futile. You'll just be banging your head against a wall.

[Pod81]

You owe him nothing. He ends it with you and he's the one calling the shots and still reaping benefits of having you in his life?

 

Wrong.

 

It also doesn't matter who YOU want him to be as a person. You can't fix him. You can't help him. You can't change him. So don't even waste your time trying.

 

He probably will never be fully happy with anyone else. But he wasn't fully happy with you, he wasn't fully happy with his exes. This is his problem and his character flaw. Until HE'S willing to acknowledge this and change this, worrying about it will be futile. You'll just be banging your head against a wall.

 

Agreed with all of the above. My ex also had HUGE commitment/insecurity/emotional maturity issues and just didn't have the capacity for mature love as I do. She also tried to pull the same sh*t with trying to be friends. But at the same time, she said the contact ball was in my court?! Of course, I haven't contacted her since (that was about a month ago), so that just shows you how much she really meant it when she "wanted to be friends." I can guarantee yours is the same story, just different actors. All he wants to do is wean off of you to 1) lessen his guilt and 2) make you his security blanket/backup option. Please don't fall for these tricks - leave with some pride and dignity intact. Is it fair that he tries to maintain his pride and dignity by manipulating you to throw yours away?