M30USA Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 If anyone wants to reay my full story here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/326981-separated-3-months-pending-divorce-my-story After over 5 months separation from my wife, I've had some time to reflect. I've realized a few things. Firstly, I still love her. Secondly, I've been a lot more content, happy, stable, and healthy on my own. I suspect for strong reasons that she has borderline personality disorder and I feel that I am a lamb to the slaughter when I'm with her. But it eats me up inside because I wish so much that I could be strong enough to handle her. She really needs a superhuman. I am not that. This leaves me confused and torn. I know this sounds crazy, but I almost want to remain married, but live in separate houses. Obviously this is mainly because we share children. I realize this isn't realistic, as sooner or later either one of us will need to finalize the divorce and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 If you are married to someone who needs to be "handled" then IMO you should not be together....children or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 If you are married to someone who needs to be "handled" then IMO you should not be together....children or not. I was planning on staying married for life. Even with having to "handle" her as I've said. But every man has his breaking point, I guess. That's all I was saying. I just wish my breaking point was higher. It's like the Sheryl Crow song "Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man?" Evidently I'm not strong enough to be her husband. Maybe another man is. Link to post Share on other sites
evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 If anyone wants to reay my full story here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/326981-separated-3-months-pending-divorce-my-story After over 5 months separation from my wife, I've had some time to reflect. I've realized a few things. Firstly, I still love her. Secondly, I've been a lot more content, happy, stable, and healthy on my own. I suspect for strong reasons that she has borderline personality disorder and I feel that I am a lamb to the slaughter when I'm with her. But it eats me up inside because I wish so much that I could be strong enough to handle her. She really needs a superhuman. I am not that. This leaves me confused and torn. I know this sounds crazy, but I almost want to remain married, but live in separate houses. Obviously this is mainly because we share children. I realize this isn't realistic, as sooner or later either one of us will need to finalize the divorce and move forward. Wow, I think I know how you feel, but I haven't had the guts to go for a separation. 3 kids.....I'm dying to fix this lousy marriage somehow. Been almost 3 years since she cheated on me, and thousands of dollars in counseling. I think she has BPD, but no one will diagnose and even if they did, there is all that confidentiality BS. What made you finally separate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 Wow, I think I know how you feel, but I haven't had the guts to go for a separation. 3 kids.....I'm dying to fix this lousy marriage somehow. Been almost 3 years since she cheated on me, and thousands of dollars in counseling. I think she has BPD, but no one will diagnose and even if they did, there is all that confidentiality BS. What made you finally separate? We initially separated when the cops took her away after she bruised me several times with a wooden plank. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Wow, I think I know how you feel, but I haven't had the guts to go for a separation. 3 kids.....I'm dying to fix this lousy marriage somehow. Been almost 3 years since she cheated on me, and thousands of dollars in counseling. I think she has BPD, but no one will diagnose and even if they did, there is all that confidentiality BS. What made you finally separate? I think you and M30 do not want for BPD to be identified in them. BPD is considered a mental illness and as such these women will start playing the victim card through their lawyers. Even therapists are afraid of putting the BPD label on obvious patients. Your only shot is if she is an obvious BPD by not being a high functioning one, and asking for court appointed therapist who is impartial, and a judge that will render a verdict based on that assesment. This in your country's Family Court system ... heh These ppl are actually little children [emotionally] in the body of an adult with the rights of an adult, being treated by an adult and with an enabling family ... you honestly think they will change ? Why should they change, when no-one can force them to accept the change ? And you want the label of victim attached to them, in the 'impartial' family courts, with the powerfull NOW lobby ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 I think you and M30 do not want for BPD to be identified in them. BPD is considered a mental illness and as such these women will start playing the victim card through their lawyers. Even therapists are afraid of putting the BPD label on obvious patients. Your only shot is if she is an obvious BPD by not being a high functioning one, and asking for court appointed therapist who is impartial, and a judge that will render a verdict based on that assesment. This in your country's Family Court system ... heh These ppl are actually little children [emotionally] in the body of an adult with the rights of an adult, being treated by an adult and with an enabling family ... you honestly think they will change ? Why should they change, when no-one can force them to accept the change ? And you want the label of victim attached to them, in the 'impartial' family courts, with the powerfull NOW lobby ? Can't disagree with you. I've thought the same thing about BPDers: a child in an adult body, with adult rights and abilities. Dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Can't disagree with you. I've thought the same thing about BPDers: a child in an adult body, with adult rights and abilities. Dangerous. Are you in a support group for spouses of abuse or BPD disorder? Link to post Share on other sites
evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Are you in a support group for spouses of abuse or BPD disorder? I'm in one with my three kids, but they don't know it. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I was planning on staying married for life. Even with having to "handle" her as I've said. But every man has his breaking point, I guess. That's all I was saying. I just wish my breaking point was higher. It's like the Sheryl Crow song "Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man?" Evidently I'm not strong enough to be her husband. Maybe another man is. it doesn't matter what you were planning on doing, she had other ideas... and with someone like her it's not about having a strong man, actually it's the opposite - women like her need weak men... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I'm in one with my three kids, but they don't know it. What does the group give you in terms of support? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 If anyone wants to reay my full story here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/326981-separated-3-months-pending-divorce-my-story After over 5 months separation from my wife, I've had some time to reflect. I've realized a few things. Firstly, I still love her. Secondly, I've been a lot more content, happy, stable, and healthy on my own. I suspect for strong reasons that she has borderline personality disorder and I feel that I am a lamb to the slaughter when I'm with her. But it eats me up inside because I wish so much that I could be strong enough to handle her. She really needs a superhuman. I am not that. This leaves me confused and torn. I know this sounds crazy, but I almost want to remain married, but live in separate houses. Obviously this is mainly because we share children. I realize this isn't realistic, as sooner or later either one of us will need to finalize the divorce and move forward. Well, if your wife is truly borderline than she would never go willingly into separation or divorce without making your life a living hell. Borderlines fear abandonment worst of all and can become totally unhinged when someone want to separate and divorce them. In fact, there are support groups to help you divorce a borderline. They are incredibly manipulative and suck the life right out of you day and night. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, a boderline will never feel loved enough by anyone but they torture all in the process. Many of the other personality disordered can exhibit some traits, intermittently of other personality disorders. Going off to read your thread now. If your wife has any personality disorder, please remember this: There are almost impossible to treat if the person does not want to be treated, and even with treatment, borderlines have a very low success rate. Now bi-polar? That is much more treatable. And there is a huge difference between bi-polar and borderline. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I apologize.Downtown did a great job of handing you some really sound advice. My friend, I encourage you go to all the counseling you can afford to try and understand why you want such a toxic partner. Your sympathy is admirable, but at any time may be used against you for another sideline attack in the future. Hell! You're feeling sorry for her chance at future employment and I'm here worrying about when her rage erupts and she takes you out for good! Or, one of your children. She is violent, unstable, lying, and will take anything you say or do and split it to her advantage. I would only talk through attorneys and pray she moves onto another guileless victim. Try to get your kids as often as you can. They are really, really going to need you in the future. Do NOT drop the DV charge! It is the only proof in existence of her violent tendencies. If she pleads to a lesser charge, she has to be a good girl for 7 years for it to be expunged from her record. If not, well there it is. Where I live if a man planked a woman four times for looking at porn, he'd be in jail, period. Stop minimizing her actions in the hopes she has changed back into the woman you first met. It was all manipulation anyway. Get strong, real strong, for the sake of your children. They may be her next victims. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 it doesn't matter what you were planning on doing, she had other ideas... and with someone like her it's not about having a strong man, actually it's the opposite - women like her need weak men... Wow. *smack to the face* Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Wow. *smack to the face* the point I was trying to make is that don't be hard on yourself - like you're not strong enough to have someone like her.. sounds like she needs therapy, not a man... Link to post Share on other sites
evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 What does the group give you in terms of support? I was trying to joke that my kids are my support group. They keep me from committing suicide. We have counseling tomorrow, and I think I'm finally going to ask her if her therapist has ever talked with her about BPD. I have read the Walking On Eggshells book and determined that she has at least four of the five to be diagnosed. But I know these greedy bastard counselors are very reluctant to "label" anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 I was trying to joke that my kids are my support group. They keep me from committing suicide. We have counseling tomorrow, and I think I'm finally going to ask her if her therapist has ever talked with her about BPD. I have read the Walking On Eggshells book and determined that she has at least four of the five to be diagnosed. But I know these greedy bastard counselors are very reluctant to "label" anyone. I guess I shouldn't read and post on the fly? I am not in agreement with all counselors being greedy...but you gotta do what you gotta do. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Light Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 If anyone wants to reay my full story here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/326981-separated-3-months-pending-divorce-my-story After over 5 months separation from my wife, I've had some time to reflect. I've realized a few things. Firstly, I still love her. Secondly, I've been a lot more content, happy, stable, and healthy on my own. I suspect for strong reasons that she has borderline personality disorder and I feel that I am a lamb to the slaughter when I'm with her. But it eats me up inside because I wish so much that I could be strong enough to handle her. She really needs a superhuman. I am not that. This leaves me confused and torn. I know this sounds crazy, but I almost want to remain married, but live in separate houses. Obviously this is mainly because we share children. I realize this isn't realistic, as sooner or later either one of us will need to finalize the divorce and move forward. I can relate to this. There was a time I wished that I could be stronger for my wife. But then I realized that she has some pretty serious problems. I'm convinced my wife has Asperger's Syndrome. I know one thing for sure, she has NEVER ONCE tried to be stronger in regards to my problems. In fact, she has come right out and ridiculed me for them. That is why I left her earlier this year. Oh, and I also agree about being more content, happy, stable on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Wow. *smack to the face* Don't be smacked to the face. The personality disordered are attracted to the kind and the empathetic because WHO ELSE would put up with five minutes of their nonsense? No one. This is a compliment to you; that you continue to love and care for someone who is so damaged and possibly beyond your ability to love them whole and strong again. Stop romanticizing the finer moments (though that is completely normal in grieving the loss of a relationship). Please concentrate on what was truly unfulfilling for you and try to figure out why rescuing the unrescuable (wd.?) was empowering for you. You sound like a really nice guy and deserve someone who treats you with the same kindness and respect and empathy and remorse as you do them. Your only other choice is to ACCEPT your spouse the way she is and never pine nor wish for change, because it may never happen. Some people cannot be fixed, especially if they will not even admit they have a problem. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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