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How bad was I if she wants to be friends?


hinatticus

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I have a thread describing my situation in more detail, sorry I don't know how to link. Those icons make no sense to me.

 

Short story... She broke up with me almost 5 months ago, been together for 4.5 years, we have a 2 year old together and there were many reasons why she left but my anger was the main culprit.

 

So as the title says... I've been in counseling for over 2 months and have read lots on abuse. I know in my heart I don't fit in with the worst of the worst, but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilt, shame and remorse. I can honestly say I'm not the same person as before. I stay up til 4 in the morning sometimes researching articles and I practice what I've learned.

 

Recently she's been a lot friendlier with me. Today for example she wanted to come over and learn a song with me. It was her day with our son yet she wanted to come over. I didn't even invite her. I bought us food and drinks and we had a good time learning the song.

 

Why is she doing this? She's made it clear she doesn't want to get back together. She's made it clear I hurt her. She's made it clear she gave the relationship all she could. The day went well up until the end when all hell broke loose, but I'll save that for another thread.

 

Why does she want to be friends when she knows I can't?

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january2011

If she brought your son, she may want him to still have a relationship with his father. And for the sake of your son and his future, she's willing to be friends despite what you did to her.

 

I suggest accepting this as a one-in-a-lifetime gift. Make sure you deserve it by continuing to make good progress on dealing with your issues - assuming that the "all hell broke loose" doesn't mean that you completely ruined your chances of having any kind of friendship with the mother of your son.

 

As an aside, I'd also advise you to seek professional help in your journey.

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She apologized to me this morning about last night.

I'm in counseling already. It's a domestic abuse program and my counselor said I don't need to go anymore. I asked if i could continue. At the beginning they always try to get people into an 8 month group session. I ended up doing one on one therapy for an indefinite period. I guess my counselor doesn't believe my situation is as bad as some people's. Regardless, I know I made mistakes and I'm taking responsibility for them.

 

I don't believe she would come over so that I could see my son. I see my son more than she does. I pick him up from daycare when she has to work late. We do 50/50, but when we do our swap I get him around 3-5pm and sometimes the night before. For instance tomorrow i pick him up at 8 am instead of the scheduled 3-5 because she has to work. When she gets him she will usually get him after she's done work, which is around 8-10pm. So with all the swaps I get a lot of extra hours.

 

The part about hell breaking loose was in her part. She was raising her voice and getting angry. I was calm, quiet and crying. I was crying because all the progress I thought I made was erased by her getting mad. I was crying because of the situation I got us into.

 

Anyway, I'm just gonna give her space. I have to see her tomorrow though. I gotta pick my son up at 8 am.

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january2011

Is she seeing a professional about what she went through?

 

It doesn't sound like it's going to be easy. Nor will things improve overnight. But I think that you both need to somehow make this work for your son's sake. You don't have to be BFF, but you do need to at least try to be civil. And if you can't be civil, you'll have to communicate through third-parties, such as lawyers.

 

Good luck with the pick-up tomorrow. Agree that some space might help.

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